Hey,
It's Michelle,
And I'm going to talk today about people who bust our boundaries.
Okay,
I'm going to call them boundary busters.
These people tend not to listen,
And they're really frustrating for us to set boundaries with,
And often we might give up.
And so I'm going to give you like a three-step process really quickly on what you can do different.
So one,
I want you to wake up.
Two,
Speak up.
Three,
Stand up.
And I'm going to go over each one.
So the first one is I want you to wake up to what your boundaries are,
Okay?
You have to know your boundaries really,
Really well before doing this.
You can't go into the situation thinking,
Well,
I'm not sure what I want,
But this is what I am going to ask for.
You have to be super clear.
So take some time before interacting with these people on what your limit really is,
What you're either going to participate in or what you're going to not participate in,
Because that's going to be whatever your boundary is.
Means that you've got to be firm with these folks.
You can't say things like,
Well,
That's not going to work for me or I don't think that I'm comfortable with that.
They're going to go all over on that.
They're going to pounce.
And we don't want that because boundary busters tend to know what they want and they're used to getting it.
So we need to be more firm here and say,
No,
That's not going to work for me.
This is what I can do.
It has to be very,
Very clear.
I'll never forget one time a couple of years ago,
Was talking to a woman who was who was definitely a boundary buster and she tended not to listen to him and so I coached him and I told him to be a little firmer and you know she backed right off and that's what I want to tell you with people like this is that sometimes they're used to controlling the situation and getting their way so it's really different when we come respectfully but firmly and be very clear on what you're going to tolerate and what you're not.
Now remember boundaries are more powerful if they're about about what you're going to do versus what somebody else is going to do.
Because when we try to dictate somebody else's behavior,
It borders on control,
And that typically doesn't go well.
So being firm with these people is really,
Really important.
The last one is stand up.
This is,
At some point,
You may have to stand up and go.
You may have to stop the interaction.
You may have to leave the situation.
If they don't respect your boundary,
You have to choose to leave in some way,
Whether you decide to do what you're going to do to take care of yourself.
You're going to hang up the phone.
You're going to not return that email right away because it didn't go very well.
Whatever that is,
You need to stand up,
Take care of yourself,
And often that means removing yourself,
Especially if you've already done the speaking up part and it didn't go well,
Okay?
Because I want you to have the power to set your own limits.
This is super,
Super important in a relationship.
And the people,
Believe me,
Boundary Busters are our teachers.
These people are wonderful for us to practice with because they are really good at it.
They're really good at saying exactly what they want and being very verbal about it.
Whereas for us,
If we're not so good at that,
We can sort of look at them and go,
Wow,
How do they do that?
Now,
We may not want to do it exactly the way they do it if they're hurtful or they're mean about it,
But the firmness is what I want you to look for is they are not apologetic.
They just say,
Hey,
This is what I want to do.
Now you can come back and say,
Well,
This is what I want to do,
Or that's not going to work for me.
How about this?
And if they're not willing to negotiate,
You know what?
Then you get to decide what you're going to do next.
So I hope that helps.
Boundary busting happens to all of us and you will get better with practice.
So take care of you guys.
Bye.
