7 Steps To Making Amends That Work

In this audio, you will learn 7 key strategies for how to make amends and heal your relationships. Making amends to people who hurt you takes courage, but these steps will help you feel more confident in approaching it mindfully. Learn here with me!

Transcript

How do you make amends and heal old hurt in relationships? That's what we're going to talk about today. My name is Michelle Farris. I'm a licensed marriage and family therapist and I'm so glad you're here willing to learn about making amends because I'm going to share seven tips on how to make amends the right way in a heartfelt way that work. So first what I want to do is I want to clarify the difference between making an amends and saying I'm sorry because they're definitely different. So making amends is a popular 12 step concept where you're really taking the time to acknowledge the pain and hurt you've caused someone else. Okay, I'm sorry is much more used off the cuff. If it's a very minor offense, Then I'm sorry can be effective. But when it's a bigger offense, Or there's a lot more hurt, And maybe it's a relationship pattern, I'm sorry doesn't really cut it. And it's probably going to hurt you in the relationship because the other person isn't gonna find it as sincere as an amends. The first step is what I want you to do before you start is do some journal writing. And this is just for you to express and vent any emotions or experiences that could get in the way of you making a sincere amends. This could include your own pain, Your own hurt, Your own expectations of this other person that may or may not happen. Because part of making amends is realizing that you're doing this for you. You're not doing this for someone else. Even though, Let's face it, A lot of times we have expectations on the back end, But these amends need to be for your own healing. And if it heals the relationship, Great, But that's the piece we can't control. So the journal writing is really for you to get clear and do a brain dump on anything that could sabotage this amends, Okay, So that you can come into it from a clean place emotionally. Now, Number two is I want you to make amends only when you're calm and safe. Centered because we don't know what's going to happen as a result of making the amends. The other person may have a reaction. It may be a positive one. It may not be a positive reaction. And if you're doing this, If you're tired, Rushed, Stressed, It's not going to typically land well. So if you can do this from a place of being calm and centered, Even though yes, You're probably going to be a little afraid because this is a courageous step to take. I want you to go into it as calm as you possibly can because again, Again, You don't know what the other reaction is going to be on the other end. So the third one is I want you to get permission up front before you start talking. So this sounds something like, Hey, I'd really like to talk to you about what happened a couple of years ago. Is this a good time? So that the other person can choose in or out. Because what happens is if you launch into the amends without giving the other person warning, You know, The timing might not be good for them. They might have had a crappy day. They might not be up for listening to you, Or they might be so shocked that you're actually wanting to make the amends that they might need some time for themselves to kind of prepare and get ready because these can be difficult discussions. So getting permission upfront is really, Really important because as you know, Timing is everything. And if we can pick a winner, Where the other person is receptive, It's likely gonna go a lot better, Okay? All right, So number four, What I want you to do is write it out. Write out in, Say, Two to three sentences the exact amends you're wanting to make. Because what happens is if we go on and on and on, We can end up rationalizing our own behavior, Justifying it, Talking about their behavior, And all of those things are gonna make our amends less effective. So it's really, Really important for you to come up with, Say, Two to three sentences on exactly what you need to say in order to make your amends, Okay? Because that way, It's going to be super clean. Now, Number five is I want you to specifically name the words or the actions you took that caused harm to that other person. The biggest mistake people make when they try to make an amends is they're too vague. They might say something like, I'm really sorry that I hurt you, Or I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. If is going to totally thwart the amends. And that I'm sorry I hurt you is way too general, Especially if it's a bigger offense. So if you're actually willing, What I want you to do is to say, Hey, I'm really sorry. I want to acknowledge the pain and the hurt I've caused you when I said this and when I did this to you several years ago. Because if I can name it specifically, That sends the message to the other person that I know what I did. And that conveys a lot more sincerity and trust in the long run because I'm not whitewashing it. I'm saying exactly what I'm making amends for and that sends a really strong message because I'm not denying my behavior and I'm not minimizing my behavior. Those are two things that get in the way. Now, Number six is I want you to consider whether or not it's even safe for you to make the amends because there are gonna be times when it isn't. Now, The first one is, If this amends is going to harm the other person because it's new information that they don't have already, Then I don't want you to make the amends, Okay? We never want to do more harm than good, Especially at the other person's expense, Okay? So if this is information that is not new information, But it's just difficult to do, That's okay. That's part of the amends, Is to face our behavior. Now, Another reason not to make the amends is if the other person is unsafe. If you know that by making the amends, You are putting yourself in psychological or physical danger, Then I definitely don't want you to make these amends, Especially in person, Okay? Another thing is if the person is deceased, You're obviously not going to make the amends directly, But you could go to their gravesite, You could write them a letter that you share out loud. And for these type of amends that are not appropriate for you to make, I want you to write a letter. And I don't want you to send that letter, But I want you to either share it with a friend, Burn it, Have a little ritual around it, Send it into the universe, Because there's a lot of positive intention and healing intention when we make our amends. Even if it's not safe to do so. If we're declaring that we're making the amends to ourself and the universe and we're putting it out there, That shows a lot of integrity that you're willing to do what it takes, But not at your own expense. I don't want you to make amends to someone if it's going to be physically dangerous for you or they're going to attack you emotionally because it's been a really abusive relationship, Okay? This could be a mentor, A close friend, Someone where you're sharing the amends and you're asking them, Hey, Does this sound sincere? Does this sound like I'm not blaming, I'm not rationalizing, I'm not minimizing my behavior? Because sometimes we need another set of eyeballs to look at what we're doing because we're already in it. So we may think, Hey, This is a great amends, But we may not recognize where we might be indirectly blaming or justifying our own behavior. Those things are definitely gonna impact the quality of your amends. So if you have someone that you trust, Just ask them, Hey, Can I run this by you for a few minutes? Because it's really, Really important. And then when the other person says, Nope, That sounds really accountable, There's no blame, There's no rationalization, You're good to go, Okay? So I really hope this has helped. Making amends is a huge part of lasting relationships because we hurt each other. Sometimes we do things that we're not proud of, The people who are willing to own it are the people who end up having healthy relationships because it takes a lot of courage to do this work. Alright, Thanks so much. Bye.