So how do you end a relationship in a loving way?
That's this week's topic because most people don't understand how to end a relationship amicably.
Sometimes we may get stuck in knowing what to say or how to handle the reaction we're going to get or we want to just postpone it or do it by text or email because we don't really want to face the person.
But in order to do this in a loving way,
It really needs to be done in person.
Now,
First,
My name is Michelle Ferris.
I'm a psychotherapist,
And I love helping people create relationships that work.
But I want you to ask yourself one quick question before you start.
Are you 100% sure that you want to end the relationship?
Because if the answer is,
I'm not sure,
Or,
Well,
I'm 95% there,
You're not ready yet.
So in next week's video,
I'm gonna talk about what to do when you're not ready to end the relationship.
But for this week,
I'm gonna show you seven steps on how to end a relationship in an amicable,
Loving way.
First,
Be in the right frame of mind.
This is super important because if you're going into this not grounded,
Feeling tired,
Feeling really stressed out,
Not supported,
That's going to impact the outcome.
So I really want you to take some time to really take care of yourself because how you feel going into it is going to impact the outcome.
Maybe you want to meditate or pray or call a friend before you do it.
I really like the idea of bookending really difficult conversations with people that are really supportive.
Can be a great way to get support on the front end and the back end.
Because the more centered you are going into it,
The more likely you're going to have a better outcome for you and the other person.
Number two,
Make sure the timing is good for both of you,
Not just you.
So what you want to do is you want to think about when is a time when you are alone.
The kids aren't around.
If there's kids involved,
Your partner or your friend isn't going to be super tired.
You're both going to be open and ready to have a discussion.
But here's the other thing.
I want you to limit the time.
This is not something that should go on for hours.
It should be about maybe 15-20 minutes tops because you really want to say your piece,
Listen to what they have to say,
And then leave because you don't want this to become a two or three hour fiasco where you're trying to renegotiate the relationship or you're feeling bad because they're really upset.
Part of what makes this conversation successful is to make sure it's time limited.
So part of that is asking,
Is this a good time to talk right now about our relationship?
So you're giving them a heads up about the topic because you want to get agreement up front for this kind of discussion.
Third,
I want you to go in prepared and the best way to do this is to have a little script.
I want you to write down three or four sentences that is going to encapsulate what you're going to say because a lot of people do this in the heat of the moment and that's why the ending doesn't work because you do it out of frustration and then you end up reconciling and then you end up regretting doing that.
So instead,
I want you to be more intentional.
And how you do that is write a script.
And here's an example.
I've been thinking and I realized that this really isn't working for me anymore,
And I really appreciate the time we've spent together,
But I need to end this relationship now.
Short to the point,
Okay?
That's how you do it.
You could even say something like,
We're going in different directions or we have different values or we want different things.
Those are neutral statements that you want to say because what we don't want to do is we don't want to blame the other person.
So this goes into the next one,
Which is make it more about you than about them.
Because a lot of times when people break up,
They talk about the other person's behavior,
Not their own.
How you do it in a kind loving way is you talk about yourself.
I realize this isn't working for me anymore.
I need to make a different choice.
I need something different.
" Because when you come from a place of what you need,
That's a lot more neutral and loving versus talking about,
Well,
You're drinking all the time,
You're abusive,
And that's why I'm leaving.
Of course,
That's going to open the door to the other person getting defensive and reacting,
And then it's probably going to lead to an argument,
And I don't want that for you.
That's why three to four sentences is really important.
Because if you go in with a script,
And literally,
I would write it out before you do it.
Because if you know what you're gonna say,
You're gonna feel a lot more confident going in.
Number five,
Be ready for their response because they are going to have a reaction.
And what we want to do is we want to be able to listen without getting defensive because the other person might beg you to stay.
They might want to negotiate a short separation to see if they can work on themselves.
They might say they're willing to seek therapy.
But if you're 100% sure,
Then I want you to use what's called the broken record technique.
And that means you pick one statement and you say it repeatedly.
Repeatedly so that you don't get off track.
So an example of this is I understand what you're saying,
But I need to end this Short and sweet and if they keep going you can literally repeat it I understand what you're saying and I need to end this now You don't need to do this excessively but two or three times is fine because this is gonna help you stay on track because you're not going to be able to control how the other person reacts and Really their reaction is more about them and who they are than it is about you.
So part of this work in breaking up with someone or ending a relationship is detaching from their emotions because they have every right to be sad and you have every right to be sad,
But that doesn't mean you have to fix it.
Number six,
Thank them and acknowledge what they meant to you.
This is really important because no matter how difficult the relationship is,
I'm sure you can find some things about it that were loving,
That were fun.
Maybe you took some great trips together.
Maybe you had some really nice memories.
Maybe you had a child together,
And really take a few minutes to acknowledge that and just say thank you.
You know,
This has been a really important relationship for me and I just really appreciate the time we spent together.
Even if it's a stretch for you to say that,
I think that can bode well to making this an amicable ending.
Number seven,
Agree not to see each other for a while.
And what I would do is at least two or three months because what happens is if we don't close the door completely,
It's really tempting to go back.
They might call you,
They might text you,
They might say,
Hey,
Why don't we have coffee or can we be friends?
And the door gets opened a little too soon and both of you aren't ready.
A lot of times this is what leads to people getting back together in the heat of the moment because they're lonely or they're in pain and they genuinely miss each other but then the person who broke up says to themselves,
Oh I really didn't mean to get back into this relationship.
So part of what I want you to do is to just let them know up front I need not to have any contact for maybe two months,
Maybe three months.
Pick a dedicated time and that means no texting,
No email,
No nothing.
And that's not easy to do,
But that's the cleanest way to do it,
Because again,
Once you end this relationship,
A new journey begins.
You're gonna start getting into your own grief and your own pain,
And you may have to do some of your own work.
In next week's video,
I'm gonna talk about what you can do when you're not quite ready to end the relationship,
Because there's still a ton of great things you can do to take care of yourself and make sure that the relationship is still functioning for you.
Thanks so much.
