Coping With The Pain Of Loss

This track touches on grief and loss. Glen shares her own experiences of losing people she loved, and explains that grief is individual, comes in waves and is a normal part of being human. She teaches her PEACE method for working through grief: patience, emotions, acceptance, containment and empathy. It is for anyone coping with the loss of a person or something important to them who needs a reminder that they are not alone. This content is educational and is not a substitute for one to one professional care.

Transcript

First thing I want you to know is that you are not alone. When we lose someone or something that's really important to us, We tend to experience aloneness. We isolate, Withdraw, And feel like we're the only ones in the world going through that pain. The truth of the matter is loss is a part of life. Loss is a part of being human. Loss is is part and parcel of the human condition. It is something that everyone on this planet experiences at one time or another. So you are not alone in that experience. More than that, You do have people in your life, I'm sure, Who care about you and what you are experiencing. And there are also services and programs available to help you cope with your pain. So you are not alone. The other thing I want you to know about loss is that it's individual. The grief process is very individual. While the grief process is necessary for everyone to go through and come out on the other side healthier, It's the process itself. It's very specific to you, Your personality, Your needs, Your situation, Your circumstances. So please don't allow anyone to tell you what your grief should look like. Whether they tell you you should be crying more, Or you should be crying less, Or it's been three months, You should be over it. Your process is very individual. And there are some very specific tools that you can use to help you cope with that process. So let me just share a little bit about my personal losses. I gave birth to stillborn twin girls and to say that was a painful experience is a gross understatement. It was tragic. It took me a long time, Several months before I could be around any babies. It took me a long time before I didn't cringe when I saw a mother in the store with her infant. I recall seeing a mother pushing a stroller with twins in it, And my heart stopped. I turned and went the other way. So, I understand, I've been there with children. Grieving. I was able, Through grief, I was able to find a very special place in my heart and mind for my girls. And I personally believe that is the whole point of grief, Is to find, Release the attachment that you have, And to find a very special place in your heart and mind for what it is that you lost. And so now when I think of Carmen and Carmel, I smile because the joy those girls brought me when we were physically connected is amazing still. And even though we're no longer or physically connected, Our connection endures. It's all joy, It's all love. Every now and again I might feel a bunch of sadness, But it's mostly joy and love. More recently, However, I lost four family members in four years. My cousin, Who was only five years older than me, Passed away. Two months later, My mother passed away. Sister-in-law died suddenly, And then a few months after she passed, My brother Kenny died from prostate cancer. His birthday is July 4th. He passed on July 5th at 12. 08 a. M. Eight minutes after his birthday, My brother transitioned. I was privileged and blessed enough to be there with him, Holding him as he passed on. That painful, That experience was a blessing in the moment, You know, And when the services came, The mourning, The ceremonies came, The pain surfaced. And I still have not, To this day, Been able to read his obituary. However, I have pictures of him all over my house. I have a mouse pad with him and his family on it. I have some very pleasant, Joyful memories of him. I can even converse with family and friends about him without crying, Without breaking down and having joy. There are times, However, When grief will pop up. And show you some. And this past 4th of July, For whatever reason, I was really missing it. Really missing him, So it was a rough, Rough day. And it hasn't always been that way. Other Fourth of July's previous years, My family and I were able to celebrate his life and celebrate him as a person. So just know that grief comes in waves. It's not a straight line. So something may trigger a memory that might bring up a twinge of sadness. It could bring up joy. Even bring up a feeling of love. So when those moments happen, Just take a deep breath and allow them to show up, Show you what you need to see, And I promise they will move on. So I have gotten to a place where Kenny does have a very special place in my heart and in my mind. A few months after he passed though. Were the most difficult for me. I fell into the deepest depression I have ever experienced. And I believe that that depression was so deep was because I didn't take the time to process or grieve emotionally. For those four family members. I am a problem solver. My conscious mind was focused on taking care of whatever task at hand needed to be done, Whether it was flying home to visit families, Go to the hospital, Connect with doctors or insurance or systems, You know, Whatever needed to be done, I was focused on the task at hand. And the emotional baggage just accumulated and accumulated until Kenny's passing and it really overwhelmed me. It overwhelmed me. And when I say you are not alone, I mean it. I have four friends who just call me as they normally did. Did not like what they heard in my voice at that time. And they took it upon themselves to. . . Support me! They didn't know each other, So there was no communication between the four of them on who would do what. Somehow they created a cosmic schedule, And there was this tag team approach to calls, Emails, Texts, And voicemails, And cards, And it was just like a really nice synchronized rotation of communications from them. None of them tried to cheer me up. None of them tried to fix it. None of them tried to talk me out of it. What they did do was allow me to be. And they were able to support me and stand with me in my pain without trying to change it. And so that opened up a door for me. That support opened up a door for me. So you too are not alone. And once that door was open, The peace method found its way to me. These are elements of grieving that helped me process my grief for my four loved ones that died in that very short period of time and move on and thrive. Now resilience for me is not just about bouncing back and being the way you were before whatever happened. Resilience for me is rebounding, Finding equilibrium, And then thriving on the other side of the tragedy, Or the trauma, Or the pain. And with my friends opening that door for me, And then peace finding its way to me, I was able to do that. So what about peace? The first element is patience. You must be patient with yourself. You must allow your grief to unfold without judging yourself, Yourself up. You're not a bad person. It's not your fault. It's not, You're not being punished because your loved one died, For example. Emotions. Grief will bring up the gamut of emotions. Anger, Sadness, Fear, Some love, Some joy. You may even experience some guilt over the situation. You may get into some bargaining. You know, Exchanging your life for theirs or something like that. Acceptance. Acceptance. We humans like to resist reality when we don't like what reality is. So we think by resisting it, We change it, We control it. Now, Reality is bigger than any one of us. And reality will win. So the sooner you accept reality, Even though reality is painful, The Even the reality is challenging, Even though reality is frustrating. It is. What it is. So the moment you acknowledge that, A lot of stress will be lifted from you. It'll take a lot of pressure off because there's so much energy tied into trying to control reality. That it is harmful to ourselves. So acceptance. Containment. Contain your emotions, Your grief process as much as you can. Again, The grief is going to show up in waves and sometimes randomly. However, As much as you can, You know, I don't want you crying on the freeway at 80 miles an hour. I don't want you passing out in the grocery store because you're overwhelmed with grief. So if you can create and set up some time where you can allow yourself to Feel what you feel when you feel it. That will help you in the grief process as well. And empathize. You must empathize with yourself. If you had a best friend going through something painful, I'm sure you would be loving, Supportive, Nurturing, Comforting. If you can do that for your best friend, You absolutely can and need to do that for yourself. You need to be your own best friend when you're going through challenges. So the peace method. Patience. Emotions, Acceptance, Containment, And empathy will help you process your grief so you can be healthier on the other side of it. Grief is part of the human condition. Loss and death are a part of life. And you are capable of coping with it effectively and in the way that will make you healthy on the other side of it. Because the whole point of grief is to release your attachment to whatever it is you lost and to find a special place in your heart and mind. So let me add here that the attachment can be positive or negative. It could be the death of someone you love. It could be the death of someone you had a relationship with. It could be the death of someone who abused you. Hate and loathing are just as much of an attachment as is love. So you must grieve to let go of them. You have to let go of that to move forward. So allow yourself to grieve. Reach out to loved ones. Reach out to the systems and programs in your community that will help you process that.