I have a part of me that's absolutely convinced that a diet Pepsi and a bag of chili cheese Fritos can solve just about any problem.
Feeling anxious?
Diet Pepsi and Fritos.
Feeling sad?
Diet Pepsi and Fritos.
Have a difficult day?
Well,
You know what might actually help?
And here's the thing.
Part of me isn't trying to sabotage my health or undermine my goals.
Is genuinely trying to help me feel better.
It knows that when I'm uncomfortable,
There's something familiar,
Predictable,
And pleasurable that might offer a little relief.
And honestly,
Sometimes it does.
Today I want to talk about the parts of us that reach for things that make discomfort go away.
The parts that might turn to food,
Alcohol,
Substance,
Shopping,
Scrolling,
Or other behaviors that offer immediate relief even when they sometimes create problems for us later.
Because what if we stopped seeing those parts as the enemy and started getting curious about what they're trying to do for us?
In internal family systems or IFS,
We understand ourselves as having different parts.
And some of those parts have taken on the job of protecting us from uncomfortable emotions and experiences.
Sometimes that protection looks like avoidance.
Sometimes it looks like numbing,
And sometimes it looks like reaching for something that makes us feel good,
Even if it's just for a few minutes.
These parts aren't necessarily concerned with our long-term goals.
They're focused on getting us through whatever we're feeling right now.
And many of them learned their jobs an awfully long time ago.
Think about being a kid.
Maybe you grew up in an environment where you didn't have much control over what happened around you.
You couldn't control your parents' moods,
The expectations placed on you,
The difficult feelings you experienced,
But maybe you could sneak a piece of candy.
Maybe you could hide your favorite snack in your room.
Maybe that little moment of pleasure was one of the few things that felt entirely yours.
You got to decide.
You got to feel good.
You got to have something just for yourself.
And perhaps without even realizing it.
You learn that when it felt overwhelming or when there was something you could do to feel a little bit better,
You may choose that.
Now,
Not everyone develops these behaviors in childhood,
And there are many reasons addictive behavior patterns develop.
But for some of us,
These early experiences help explain why certain behaviors also just feel so comforting.
As adults.
Those strategies might look different.
Maybe is shopping when you're stressed because buying gives you a sense of control.
Maybe it's having a drink at the end of a difficult day because you're desperate for your mind to quiet down.
Or maybe it's reaching for food when you're lonely,
Because for a few moments,
Something feels comforting and familiar.
These behaviors have different consequences and risks.
But they share a common purpose.
A part of you is trying to change how you feel.
And here's where I think we can begin to approach ourselves differently.
Instead of immediately asking,
Why do I keep doing this?
Or what is wrong with me?
What if we asked?
What is this part trying to help me with?
Let's take a moment to practice that.
You don't need to close your eyes or go anywhere special.
Just think about a behavior you sometimes turn to when you're uncomfortable.
Not necessarily your most difficult behavior,
Maybe start with something that feels manageable.
See if you can notice the part that wants that thing.
And with a little curiosity.
What are you hoping this might do for me?
Maybe it will answer,
I want you to relax.
Or maybe I just don't want you to feel sad.
Or perhaps as simply.
I want you to have something good today.
Now consider another question.
What are you worried might happen if I don't do this?
You don't have to come up with an answer,
And you don't have to change anything right now.
We're just getting curious.
Because when we understand what that part is trying to accomplish,
We have an opportunity to begin building a different relationship with it.
We can say.
I see that you're trying to help me.
I understand you've learned to do this.
And I appreciate that you've been looking out for me.
I often remind my clients that that part of us is really trying to take care of us.
And we can also begin to recognize that the strategy this part is using may not always be what we need.
We can appreciate the intention without having to follow the behavior.
That's an important distinction.
Compassion doesn't mean ignoring the harm that a behavior might be causing.
And understanding a protective part doesn't mean we suddenly have to manage everything on our own.
Some addictive behaviors need additional support,
Treatment,
Or medical care because shame rarely helps us feel safer with ourselves.
And these parts are often already working so hard to protect us from feeling bad.
The last thing they need is another part of us showing up to tell them that they're terrible at their job.
So the next time that you notice yourself reaching for something to escape discomfort.
See if you can pause for just a moment.
You might say.
I notice that something in me really wants relief right now.
That makes sense.
What do I actually need in this moment?
And maybe you'll still have the snack.
Maybe you still want to shop.
Maybe you'll recognize that you need support making a different choice.
The goal isn't to get it perfect.
The goal is to begin creating enough space between the discomfort and the behavior that you have more options.
Because that part of you that's been working so hard to make things feel better,
It doesn't need to be hated,
Shamed,
Or pushed away.
It needs to be understood.
And perhaps over time,
It can begin to trust that it isn't the only part of you capable of taking care of you.
You can learn to be there for yourself too.
And that's where meaningful change can begin.
Not with another battle against yourself.
But with a little more curiosity.
A little more compassion.
And a willingness to get to know the parts of you that have been trying to help all along.
