Self Worth And External Validation

In this video I explore the idea of self-worth and how it relates to external validation and the desire for approval. It is often a hidden pattern of wanting approval that is preventing us from expressing ourselves fully and authentically.

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Autotelic Drive. My name is Pauline Dugood and I am an artist as well as certified personal trainer and coach. And in this space, I talk about all things related to internal motivation. Autotelic means intrinsic, Means sourced from within. So all the subject matters are related to being in this world as your authentic self and achieving the goals based on your internal motivation and in this video I would like to talk about self-worth versus external validation. And how I want to position it is that we often hear this concept of self-worth, And we think, Of course, We have self-worth. But if you start digging deeper, You might realize that you are actually outsourcing your self-worth through external validation. What I mean by that is that you do things and act in the world in order to get feedback from the outside world to produce this validation. To get this feedback where the world says you're okay, You're okay the way you are, Do things specific way which would produce the feedback, Preferably immediate feedback, So that you know that you're on the right track, And then you feel good about yourself. And that is the trap that you might find yourself in when you're following the goals and achieving and doing things for the sake of getting this result, Which you think would then produce this feeling of internal satisfaction, Except that feeling never arrives and the goal post keeps moving further and further because when you accomplish one goal and you don't get that feeling of satisfaction that you thought you would? You set up another goal. And that is what happens when our internal worth is outsourced to the external world. We have all heard that internal world creates external circumstances. You might heard that too. But it's one thing to hear it intellectually and understand it intellectually versus embodying it and living that principle. By that principle, It means that everything that exists within you will be reflected to you from the outside world. However, If you are seeking the worth in the feedback and validation from the external world, You will never find it out there because you have not connected with your internal worth. And it is easier said than done. It is a grand concept to find the worth within. But if your nervous system has been trained over many, Many years and decades to assert your feeling of safety through the reactions of others, It will become much more difficult. It becomes a challenging process to shift that dynamic where you are no longer looking for the validation and acceptance in the outside world and then relying only on your internal personal compass. That is a little bit involved and it's a process that will take you some time after you understand the concept intellectually fully. But it is worth talking about and it is worth shedding light on this concept because Oftentimes we just go on about our life, About our days, Without really understanding what it is that we are doing. So I'll give you an example. For example, Career. Very, Very hot topic on everybody's mind. Everybody wants to find the job or career that is fulfilling and rewarding and provides money and is stable. And in this current world, Everything is changing and shifting so rapidly. So what could happen is that if the person is really adept at shapeshifting and adjusting and adapting, They might keep acquiring new skills, And it is good, Of course, The technology is changing, Therefore you should be changing. But if you're acquiring the skills for the sole purpose of feeding that validation machine, Then you will end up doing things that you don't like, You don't really enjoy. And don't. Find satisfaction in only for the purpose of finding this this way of being where you think the world will approve of you. So once again, Outsourcing self-worth to the outside world. By wanting validation and wanting that. Acceptance and feedback that you are okay. The next thing that happens when the self-worth is outsourced is typically the person exhibits people-pleasing and self-abandoning tendencies, Patterns, Whatever you want to call it. What happens is when The whole process is dependent on time. Acquiring validation from the external world. It means that the needs of others and opinions of others are prioritized and valued much more than the internal feelings, The beliefs, Emotions, Etc. This means that the person is more likely to do what they think others want them to do, What they think will be approved. What they think others will like. And that is self-abandonment because it is ignoring your internal compass, Your internal drive. It is ignoring the things and feelings within. For the sake of belonging, For the sake of acceptance, For the sake of getting that external feedback. And it could be really interesting. To be perceiving this loop. Because it can also be connected to this desire of always closing loops in conversations, At work, In relationships. Anything that is ambiguous and open and obscure starts creating the distracting feeling of feeling unsettled. Feeling of discomfort if you are wanting this immediate feedback. Than anything that is ambiguous, Anything that is not defined and not closed in right here, Right now, Will stay in your mind as this open loop and demand your attention. And it will be distracting and essentially it is a discomfort with the unknown. It is this inability to be in a space of undefined certainty, Uncertainty, Undefined future. That is related to outsourcing yourself to the external world. So, In summary, When the worth is not connected fully within, It is outsourced to the outside world. Which then creates pattern of people-pleasing and self-abandonment. So, That is, In essence, What I wanted to discuss in this video to help you See bigger picture. And hopefully it can illuminate some aspects of your dynamics, Your patterns. To help you understand yourself better and help you shift towards more alignment with yourself. Because Aritalic means intrinsic and intrinsic means authentic. So we all want to be authentic and we want to be engaging with other authentic people. But that comes only after understanding what it is that drives you and shifting towards alignment. So I trust this was helpful and please come back for more illuminating ideas that I will be discussing here to help you become more yourself. And to align yourself with your intrinsic motivation. Until next time.