Emotional Regulation Practice With Explanation

This is the full talk including meditation covering the subject: Emotional regulation

We talk about having 'big' emotions, window of tolerance, dealing and regulating emotions and other things that might re-occur. We will do an emotional check in with multiple emotional regulation tools in place backed up by psychology studies.

Transcript

My name is Yvette, Hello. What I do is actually a combination of backing things up I share by research, Because I'm a researcher after all, And I explain things from my own experience. I focus a lot of my subjects here on Inside Time about procrastination. And a big part of procrastination is not being able to regulate your emotions. And that's why I also started this practice, So that my fellow procrastinators can practice here, But you know, Emotional regulation is also good for you anyway. I don't know about you, But a couple of years ago I didn't even know what emotions were. I was just pushing them away, Like nope, I'm not having them. But that's not something you can keep up for a long time. We all experience emotions, But some people you feel they're more heavy or volatile. I was one of them, I really had these highs and lows, And that's what I mean with that window of tolerance, I was always out of it. You know, I couldn't keep my emotions in check, I was all very anxious or very sad, And I needed to learn to stay in that window of tolerance. And I always looked at other people and I was like, How come you don't have this? This was my normal. It actually wasn't normal. And of course you can sometimes go out of it, That's no problem, But the amount of how many times I had it wasn't normal. And I needed help with that. And now I'm here, Also sharing my experience. And no, I'm not perfect at it, But it's going very well. So there might be a number of reasons why you lose control of your emotions. You might not have been taught from your caregivers. I know we didn't talk about emotions in our family, In my childhood. You were allowed to be happy, A happy, Peaceful girl, And other emotions weren't allowed. I don't know if other people relate to this. Or maybe you now have children and you're like, Okay, How am I going to teach them emotional regulation? And some people indeed, You know, They see a great example and they know how to regulate their emotions. But it could also be genetically disposition, Unfortunately, And other signs. So it's not only the fault of your parents. There can be other stories. I won't go into that if you don't mind. Because I really want to talk about emotional regulation skills and actually apply it today in a meditation. So what I do is I share a little bit of the emotional regulation schools backed up by research from psychology studies. And I share my own experience and that's why and how I made my own meditation so we can immediately practice it. I post a lot here on the Insight Timer. This is not my daytime job. I do this because I literally want to help people not to suffer like me with my emotions. And with your donations, I can actually do more research, Share more content, And you can always follow me on Insight Timer. So what is emotional regulation? Emotional regulation is taking any action that alters the intensity of an emotional experience. So that doesn't mean suppressing or avoiding emotions. With emotional regulation skills, You can influence which emotion you have as well as how you express them. And the key is we are not going to suppress them or avoid them. And I was also perfect at that. No, We're not going to do it. Yeah, Why? Some people seem to be able to do this. If you cannot do this, No worries, I'm going to show you now a couple of tools. And you know, When you practice it, It will improve over time. So that's the good news today. You have two strategies you can take for emotional regulation. You can focus on bodily focused strategies, Which we are going to do today. So bodily focused strategies are things like mindfulness, Meditation, Breathing, Relaxation, With a little bit of compassion and gratitude. They will do the trick. Or you can focus on a strategy called behavioral. And I invite you now to actually think about this. This is a little bit of homework. What is something you do? So what are behavioral strategies to regulate your emotions? This might be engaging in hobbies and activities that make you feel good, Such as exercise. So that you can think more clearly. So not avoiding emotions, But that you can manage your negative emotions. Let's talk about bodily focused strategies then. And what are things you can do? You can create space. And we are doing that actually right now. And what I mean with that is, Emotions happen fast. We don't think, Okay, Now I have time to be angry. No, It just happens, But when you create space, You can allow them. Otherwise you will push them away. So then what can help is grounding. The second thing what you can do then is notice what you feel. And this is a bit where we are going to do a couple of different techniques. But your physical symptoms can already be clues to what you are experiencing emotionally. Or you can label your emotions by saying them out loud. Name what you feel is another strategy. Call it by its name and it loses its power. And then comes the tricky bit. Accept the emotion. And sometimes I go into emotional regulation to actually go through it quickly, But that backfires. No, Accepting the emotion is, Rather than beating yourself up for feeling angry or scared, Recognize that your emotional reactions are valid. What will help here is actually self-compassion. And give yourself grace. And we are also going to do that in the following meditation. And also follow it in your body. Where is it? That might help by tracing it with your hands. So you keep focused on the emotion so you can accept it and allow it. Other things we can also do is indeed tune into physical symptoms. So not only labeling the emotions, But are you hungry? Are you tired? And take a mental note. Maybe you notice that you are more anxious when you are tired. Or you are mad when you are not hungry. Sometimes people who are, When they are really angry, They don't get an appetite. Or when they are really nervous. Doesn't necessarily have to be the case for all people. For you it might be different. But I invite you to think about what are physical symptoms that happen. I know I usually feel anxiety in my chest and in my stomach. And anger, My muscles tend to really be tight. And I had to make a drawing of my body and be like, Okay this is what I feel here and this. And it felt really childish in the beginning. But you know, It does the trick. And this is something I will teach my children. Another thing, And that's not what I want to go into today and I will explain why. Is consider the story you are telling yourself. Because sometimes that can push you away from the actual feeling. If you go like, He said this, She said that. But other times for some people it really helps to evaluate and redirect. Okay, You know, What was in their mind going on? Why did they do that to me? That I feel angry. Sometimes that might help. Other times it won't. And I invite you to learn the difference between when it's helpful for you and when it isn't. Another strategy can be positive self-talk. So positive affirmations. Which we will do. And then make a choice how to respond to an emotion. You don't need to go into the story of, He said this, She said that, So I'm going to think this and do that and react in a perfect manner and have the perfect comeback. No. What I mean with make a choice how to respond is how to respond to your emotions. Will you try to do something different this time instead of lashing out? Will you take another pause or will you go for a walk before you go into a conversation? Other things which I have done in other emotional regulation mindfulness meditation, Which we won't do today, Because that's why I do different practices, Is focus on positive emotions. Sometimes it's helpful not to push them away. I'm not saying that, But to focus on the positive emotion and then come back to the original emotion. Go to the positive emotion and come back. Because with the shifting, I find it really difficult. You notice that emotions come and go and they might decrease in their level of experience. And my final strategy or skill or advice is seek out a therapist. Sometimes we need a good therapist, Someone we trust or a good partner who can talk about the emotions. But also sometimes in my case, I was actually having difficult emotions with a therapist, Which was a good sign because they were triggering me and I learned about my triggers. But what are we going to do today? We are going to focus on naming the emotion, Creating space of course, Accepting it and tune into physical symptoms and a little bit of positive affirmations and compassion. Are you ready? So we are going to do an emotional regulation meditation where I'm going to invite you to sit with a straight spine, Feet touching the floor and really feel how you are seated in your chair. You can place your hands open in your lap, Move those shoulders if you feel a little bit of tension, Relax your jaw, Try to relax your eyebrows as well. And you can close your eyes and you can join me in taking deep breaths in through the nose and then pausing and then breathing out through pursed lips as if you are blowing out a candle and it should be longer than your inhale. So you can take a deep breath in, Pause and breathe out slowly. Breathe in, Pause and breathe out. Breathe in, Hold it and can you let go of your to-do list? Deep breath in and when you pause for your out-breath you can bend over a little bit so that you completely empty your lungs. Breathe in, Pause and let that negativity go. Return to your normal natural breath, Make sure your tongue is relaxed in your mouth and let's dive a little bit deeper into that body of yours. And we are going to notice what we feel. What physical symptoms do you feel? For example cold, Tension, Tightness and maybe these are signs already of your emotion. Or maybe you also feel some tiredness, You are hungry. What other physical symptoms do you notice? You can try to trace it with your hands and try to feel if you can label it as an emotion. And where do you feel it in your body? Now we are going to label the emotion and really state it out loud. I am feeling anxious. Try to trace it in your body. Can you also give it a number from 1 to 10? For example anxiety, A 6. Happiness, A 5. And don't dwell on the story, Just label it and give it a number from 1 to 10. Emotions are a normal and natural part of us. So let's try to not beat ourselves up for feeling angry or scared. But can you recognize that these emotions and reactions are valid? And you can do that by actually placing your hands on your heart. And listen to me when I say your feelings are valid. You are just feeling your emotions. There are no positive and negative emotions, They are just emotions. You are doing your best. You are perfectly imperfect. You are taking time and investing in you. You are learning how to regulate your emotions. Can you give yourself a hug and actually say the following out loud to yourself? I am doing my best. I am perfectly imperfect. I am creating a space within me. I am learning how to regulate my emotions. My feelings are valid. Thank you, You can let go. And I am very grateful that you are here, That you are not alone. And is there something you are grateful for today? And can you thank yourself for investing this time in you? And can you now make a choice how you want to respond to the emotions you are experiencing right now? Maybe you want to go on a hike with your dogs, Do some yoga, Do some arts and crafts. What is a way you want to respond to your emotions right now? Not the story you are telling yourself, The emotion. And have another final check in before we end this meditation. What emotions are you experiencing right now? Are they the same or did they change? You can take a deep breath in and let that go. Move around a little bit, Come back, Open your eyes. What was that experience for you? So what we've done, Just to quickly recap, We worked on our bodily strategy of regulating our emotions. And that is to create space. To notice what you feel, Name what you feel, Focus on physical symptoms, Label the emotion and give it a number from 1 to 10. Really accept the emotion and you can do that by breathing in through it, Focusing on where it is in your body. And then do some positive affirmations and a little bit of compassion and gratitude. And then have another check in. Hey am I still feeling the same way? So my invitation to you is try to make this a regular practice. Pay attention to where you are feeling certain emotions and what sort of physical symptoms you are experiencing so that you can prevent, If it happens, To be out of your window of tolerance. Pay attention to what is happening in your body. I would really want to thank you for being here and I hope that it really helped you. Thank you so much.

Reviews

Thanks 🙏🏻, this was an absolutely amazing practice!