Reflections: Fully Forgiving In Small Steps

Forgiveness is truly and art. For most of us it is an ongoing process of releasing resentment bit by bit. There is no exact method that works directly for everyone, but various reflections and truths can be effective and altogether we can use these stepping stones to create particular paths to work with different resentments to be able overtime to be more and more free of resentments and be able to more readily forgive and let go.

Transcript

These reflections, I want to talk a bit more about forgiveness and hopefully give you some ways to approach forgiveness. And in many ways, Forgiveness is really an art. It is working with emotional obstructions that might be there and really navigating, Going left, Going right, And going around various obstructions until we can really forgive. And it's also a process where if we notice there is an occasion in which we want to forgive, It might be a process that can take quite a long time and requires in your work. So what is it that forgiveness is? So what is the situation in which we want to forgive? Let's just start from there. So often we can notice when there's the wish to forgive, Which is already a good step. This wish comes when there might be resentment. So there might be some kind of degree of being angry or upset with somebody and we notice that. So that's an experience and what happened in most cases is that somebody said something to us or they did something to us that we perceive that was unskillful. And that's the first interesting place to start because, Of course, Also we have our perception, So we have to have some humility to also see that this is what we perceive happened, But we're also not always sure. But it might as well have been that exactly how we perceive the person did something unskillful. And then what we can see is that often the person did something unskillful more from, Yeah, As the word says in this case, A lack of skill, Not really understanding what they were doing, Not understanding that what they are doing leads to harm in another person and maybe rightly so because it was not skillful. It's quite rare that people really do something from an evil intention. Most often it's just that they're not clear in their mind when they do it. Actually, Reflecting on both of these things already can be tools or can be actually just like markers of reality. It's just how reality is. And when we recognize that part of reality, We can already sometimes let go of a degree or all of the resentment. Just knowing that people make mistakes or they do things that are unskillful. And it helps as well to see yourself like, Oh, I do unskillful things. So I understand as well that they might do the same because I do that too. But still, The fact might remain that they did something unscalable and then, Like, How does it work then? We don't know exactly how it works, But we see that the mind holds on. There's a sense of holding on to a certain anger or frustration with what that person did or what we perceive they did. And so why does the mind do that? At least it seems from how we observe it is that the function of it is that we want to avoid that situation in the future. So but in this way if we actually check the experience what happens is that we hold it in a way that we remember it in relation to that person and it hurts us like there is that resentment and anger which can feel or surely is painful although we're not always aware of it but once we start to see it that way it becomes more clear like we are we have the resentment towards the person actually it hurts us it might not hurt them they might not be aware Maybe you give them the cold shoulder, You don't talk to them, But they might not even notice. So then what can help as well is to have an alternative way to. . . Kind of a wiser way in a way, But it's also sometimes more difficult to do is to to kind of reconsider, Okay, I don't want that to happen again, So how can I do that in other ways? Maybe there's a skillful way to bring it up with the person. Again, Being careful with sharing what is our perception and maybe how it was for us. So when you said that, That was difficult for me because I perceive that it's not very friendly and I was hoping for more friendliness from you, Something like this. They're really staying in a way with like, What do we perceive that we need and how do we perceive what they did. To be kind of indirect in that way, Not to have too strong judgments because often enough we might have been all clearly seeing ourselves bells. And seeing if there's a way that we can invite them and renegotiate how do we interact and that might already resolve it. And they might even apologize and say, Oh, Sorry, I didn't realize and that was not skillful, I see it now. Often the resentment is gone then. But of course it can happen that that cannot happen anymore. Maybe even the person is not alive anymore or there's just no chance we will see them or speak with them. So how to do it then? And again, That's a good memory, Right? Or good to remember that we've, Most of us have that experience, Have had it that somebody asked for our forgiveness and then it's very easy to go, I'm so sorry I did that. It wasn't skillful. It's very natural to forgive. And that's also why we feel, Or we be connected to, So we think we need the other person to ask for forgiveness. But so what if that is really impossible, Right? And there are so many people that have reported that it can be done. So that's good to know. And so one way is that instead of maybe talking with them and trying to figure out kind of renegotiating how do we interact together, There can also be room for setting an actual boundary. So changing your behavior towards them, Maybe certain activities or certain things that are related to those unskillful things, To those activities or kind of interactions, Especially, I guess, That are painful. Maybe you see somebody a little bit less or not in a certain certain context or when certain people are there, You notice that it is not helpful for the strength of your relationship. It doesn't help the quality of your interaction. So you might set some boundaries and actually often then it can also help us to resolve the resentment because the mind thought it needed that resentment to kind of remember or keep a memory for yourself to be careful about this, To avoid that situation. But if you set clear boundaries, Then that can also be taken care of in that way without any anger or resentment, But just by being clear, Like, Hey, You know, I'm very happy to do this. I'm not so happy to do that. So I want to aim myself at doing those things that are supportive. Again, Those are things that can help. And then the question is like, What if the resentment is still there? And one thing is as well, Which is good to realize is that actually maybe one more step that can be quite helpful is that to also see that there are sometimes a delight in the mind to have the resentment, Especially when there's maybe one person or a few people in our lives who are often in the West, We have that towards our parents to a degree. Where we feel like, Oh, They did some things to us, Especially when we were young. And our parents are also often still quite young. When we are young, We realize when we get older that they were young. Even if they're in their 30s or 40s, People are learning a lot. And also due to their own growing up they have done things that were not skillful even maybe not necessarily evil for sometimes it can be evil as well but even just smaller things can be so impactful to us the way they held themselves towards us or spoke to us or were engaged with their own emotions did they have time and attention for us did they were they able to show care and love to us all these things they mark us to some degree and then That's a good example, But it can happen in other contexts as well, People you work with, Especially people that are higher up in a way. It can become very much a story, A story of being a victim. And in a way, We are victims to a degree, Where we were a victim to something that happened that hurt us and that we could not really avoid at that time. But we want to also move away from that being a victim. So it doesn't negate that what the person did, But it does invite us to let go of that story. And then what can help as well a lot is to build an alternative narrative. It can maybe, If you do it really skillfully to be still part of your narrative like but actually I'm not so sure but the narrative could be coming from a difficult background now I'm doing really well or I'm growing to do these things in a good way or I'm trying to be successful with this or do this different with my with my family members or friends or kids or people that are around me But I think every time that you still have that person in that story, It's always unhelpful. It's always a weak point in a way, I guess. But I'm not 100% sure. You have to also try this for yourself. But it seems more safe to have your own narrative, Because sometimes when we stay stuck to those negative narratives about what other people have done to us, It's also a part because we have difficulty defining our own strength. And it's not just a narrative, It's also like doing good things, Like developing yourself in a good way. And even just doing that can lead to sense of forgiveness, You develop yourself, You're doing well, And there's not so much then anymore for that resentment to hold on to because there's not so much to resent, You're doing fine and well. So yeah, I think these are all things that you can try out and maybe even for some of the more deep resentments, The deep difficult pains that are there from past relationships or present relationships. Might mean that we need to use all these different tools and also keep coming back to it. But it's important that you have more and more faith and it can happen also when you have a good experience with this that you really believe and see that oh yeah ultimately all resentments can be let go of. And there are some very powerful examples of people that have forgiven people that have done things to them and And yeah, That is good. Also something that you can investigate online, Like kind of well-known forgiveness cases where you could see that somebody, Even quite bad things might've happened to you, I don't know, But really bad things having happened to people and then the people still forgiving them. And it always comes back to that forgiveness is not forgetting. So you still acknowledge what the person did was unskillful and led to a lot of suffering, But you just decide yourself to let go of it so you can move on. Happens that those people who had that relationship before, That was very painful and difficult, It actually could heal, Although that is not necessary to be the outcome. It depends also on the other. So again, I hope this can give you some tools to work with and to find some enjoyment and kind of energy in this. It can be quite motivating to see and have that growing sense of being able to see that resentment in yourself and know that more and more you can really go with it and grow and be free. So I think that's really something that by doing it, Taking your time for it, And especially with those resentments that are deeper, Also knowing that it's a gradual practice, Something you keep coming back to. Then I wish you all the best with that and also feel free to come back later to this reflection and even make some notes or write down things you want to remember and try out. It's an art and it's an art that you need to perfect over time. So again, I wish you all the best. Hereby we come to the end of this reflection. All the best to you.