Dear Grief Guide, I'm Jealous Of Grievers With Good Friends

After three consecutive losses, a fed up letter-writer is angry her friends aren't move supportive. I read her anonymous letter and then offer her practical tools and compassionate wisdom for growing through grief.

Dear Grief Guide is a weekly advice podcast where I answer anonymous letters from people feeling lost, stuck, or overwhelmed in the midst of grief.

Music © Adi Goldstein, Used with Permission

Transcript

Hello and welcome to Dear Grief Guide, A podcast where each week I answer one anonymous letter from a listener feeling lost, Stuck, Heartbroken, Or overwhelmed in the midst of grief. My name is Shelby Forsythia. I'm a grief coach and author, And I'm here to help you create a life you love from the life loss forced you to live. Let's get to today's letter. Dear Grief Guide, I lost my mom a few years ago, My dad eight months ago, And my beloved parakeet two months ago. I was reading a grief memoir where the author writes about how her friends came over and quote-unquote cocooned her and made her dinner after her husband died. I couldn't stop crying my eyes out because my friend group isn't like that. My best friend only talks to me to complain about her job. Another friend goes on about her wedding next year, Where I'm one of her bridesmaids. We never talk about my losses, My loved ones, Or my grief. It feels like my grief is some kind of awful elephant in the room that no one knows what to do with, So they all sidestep around it and pretend everything is okay. I'm envious of other people who have supportive friends, And the feeling I'm being ripped off by the universe is eating me alive. I get that everyone has their own lives, But the loneliness I feel is brutal. I long for the kind of support other grieving people seem to have, A network of friends who understand and show up without being asked. What am I supposed to do here? Making new friends is so hard, Especially when you're grieving, But I'm sick and tired of feeling unsupported. Thanks for any advice you have. Signed, Caterpillar with no cocoon. Hello there, Caterpillar. I see you, And I especially see you in this vulnerability, In this nakedness, In this I am fleshy and penetrable in a world of grief and loss, And there is nothing and no one here to surround me. I am not being wrapped in love, I am not being surrounded with care, I am not being bundled in any way, Shape, Or form with anything that feels like comfort. There is a rawness and a rage and a, Yeah, A cosmic being ripped off by the universe, Like a betrayal. Hey, What gives? We all experience loss, Yes that's true, But we're also all supposed to experience the feeling of being loved and supported, And what you are pointing to here is such a common and heartbreaking grief, And it's recognizing that the friends you have right now can't or won't be your grief friends. Said another way, They are simply not good at grief. I really want to dial into your rage here, This feeling of being eaten alive, Because a lot of times anger, Rage, Disappointment, Unmet expectations, Even kind of like a slow burn fury, These are things that can show you what your values are, And when it comes to being in friendship and relationship with other people, It sounds like what you value, Because this is what you're most pissed off about, Is depth, And emotional sensitivity, And an awareness and a mindfulness of grief. Those are values, Those are things you can bring as standards of admission into these relationships and into new relationships as you consider going out and making friends in the aftermath of loss, And kind of tangentially, I just want to say that feeling rage is a really good sign in grief, And everybody's like, But I don't want to feel mad, I don't want to upset people, I don't want to feel like I'm on fire all the time, And I will often laugh and say I am so glad you're angry, Because it means you have the energy to be. Anger is an emotion that from us as humans requires a pretty great deal of energy, And so what this means right now in your grief, Having lost three significant people slash animals that are really important to you, Is that you are coming out of this fog or this haze of early grief of can't do anything, Immobilized on the couch, Absolutely flat on the floor, And you are emerging into this place where you're sitting here looking around being like, Okay, Where's the support? What gives? Where is it? I was promised this, Or being inherently human should guarantee this level of support, Comfort. Where the hell is it? And to have the energy to feel angry is a sign that you are coming out of the very deep immobilization that happens in early grief, Oftentimes the shock, The numbness, The overwhelm, And it's you are ready in some form, In some part to take action. So here's some actions related to these friends that I can give to you right now. If you want to be direct, If you have the bravery, The cojones, Whatever you want to call it, To be direct, You can simply ask, Hey, How come you never ask about my dad? How come we never talk about that? And just see what they say. Let their response tell you everything you need to know about them, But just pointedly ask, How come we never talk about this person, Or my parakeet, Or all the losses I've had? How come it's only this? I just want to know. I just want to know if there's any blockers or barriers there, Or I just want to know if it makes you uncomfortable, Or I just want to know if you don't have the words to say, Because I can give you some words to say, But it's weird that we don't talk about it. Why don't we talk about it? If you want to be a little less direct, Something I always love doing is offering an invitation. So something like, It would mean a lot to me if you'd ask about my mom now and then. That's an open door that you are building with your own two hands for them to walk through, And then it becomes up to them to walk through it. I invite you to do this very clear, Explicit thing that I am asking you to do. And then you can also be indirect. You can ask for people to share stories about your parakeet on social media, And hope that your friends show up in the comments. You can display pictures around your home, Implying that you're comfortable with your losses, With your people being publicly displayed in a way that feels comfortable for you, So they can be comfortable with that as well. You're inviting them into that space, Again, That you've created in some way. It's an indirect way of signaling to the people in your life, Especially if they're frequent visitors to your home, That this is a place where grief is welcome, And we can talk about it together. I also want to say too, Because I know in your letter you mention making new friends is hard, Especially when you're grieving, And sometimes just venting in an online grief support group that is designed for holding space for grieving people can be really helpful. It can be a source of validation, And people saying, I get it, And people sharing more tips and more stories of what has helped them in the comments than anything else you're receiving right now. I am able to help you here on this podcast, And the other benefit of it is, Is that online grief support groups are often wonderful places to make new grief friends. I know it's exhausting, I know you have to deal with time zone differences, Sometimes language differences because people worldwide are grieving, Sometimes they're not grieving the exact same loss as you, And when you get all these grieving people together in one place there's a sort of magic that happens where there was never at any point a requirement that anyone enter this room wearing a mask. We come into this space masks off because we know exactly what it's about. I know for sure that people have definitely forged friendships and found each other online and in person through my online grief support group and community, Life After Loss Academy, So if you'd like to join us there we would love to have you and we have regular discussions about the shittiness of friends and family, The things they say, The things they don't say, The things they do, The things they don't do, And how to navigate that and also how to make friends. But we also talk about what a relief it is sometimes to be surrounded by other grieving people who simply get it, And to shrug off that mask, Take off the heavy coat at the door, And to simply exist, To let all that grief just hang out. Sometimes when you're going through it, It is really helpful, And you need to be surrounded by others who are going through it too. It's really frustrating when you are this raw naked caterpillar to be surrounded by people who could cocoon you, You see them as having that possibility, But they can't or won't or don't know how to. It's a different story entirely when you are a naked, Raw, Vulnerable caterpillar, And you are in a room, Or to extend the metaphor, On a plant, With a bunch of other naked, Raw caterpillars. Somehow we're all finding the same branch and lumping together for warmth and finding ways to cocoon each other in a world that is not designed to cocoon us, Or with friends and family who can't or won't or choose not to or don't know how to cocoon us. Because something that is inherent about grief is that for as much as we try, We can cocoon ourselves to some point, But so much healing in life after loss does come from, And you picked up on this, Being supported and surrounded by other people. No one grieves alone, And no one heals alone. And it can be really important for us to know that from a physical, Mental, Emotional, Spiritual level when we're grieving. I am hoping that this jealousy you feel, This envy towards people with really good grief friends, This anger, Propels you to action. Because what this is telling me is you do have the energy to act. I hope you'll join us in Life After Loss Academy. I hope you'll find other places to share and express your grief online to find the cocooning that you need. And I hope that you'll write back to me and report on how you're doing. I am sending you so much love and luck, Little Caterpillar, And know that there are so many other naked, Raw, Vulnerable, But friendly, Community-oriented caterpillars out here in the world. Sending you love.