Self esteem.
The estimation of our own value.
Speaking from my own experience,
It's a real buzzkill going through life continually wondering What am I worth?
So where does the value we place on ourselves come from?
Well,
Let's jump in the Wayback Machine and take a look.
In the first year of life,
An infant doesn't have a fully developed sense of herself as a separate person.
Mom.
Dad.
Breast milk the dog.
Pleasure.
They're all part of one immediate field of experience.
Around the age of two.
The child begins to recognize,
Hey,
I am me.
Something separate from those grown-ups over there.
Gradually.
Relationships with those adults become part of how she learns what being me is worth.
In those early years of life.
A child feels things intensely.
But the rational part of her mind is still a work in progress.
Because of this?
Emotional experiences can be misinterpreted by a child.
In a way that calls into question her value.
Example.
I'm in my crib calmly playing with my toys.
Dad bursts into the room and he's angry about the utility bill he just opened in the kitchen.
I instantly feel his anger.
Changing my diapers,
He handles me roughly.
Terrified and crying,
I make the only sense of it I can.
I caused this.
There must be something wrong with me.
So,
When we talk about building self-esteem,
I suggest we look at it a little differently.
We don't need to build our value.
We need to clear away the false conclusions we made,
The limiting beliefs that we acquired,
When we were two feet tall and still learning how to make sense of the world.
So here are three things you can do on your own to rewrite limiting beliefs.
Come back into contact with your inherent Value.
I stop outsourcing my value.
There is a Byron Katie quote that I just adore.
She said.
If I had a prayer,
It would be this.
God,
Spare me from the desire for love,
Approval,
Or appreciation.
I know,
Sounds insane.
It flies directly in the face of every ad,
Every clickbait engineered to make you want more of whatever other people think of you.
Try to find a pop song that doesn't contain the message,
I'm nothing without you.
Now,
Of course,
There's nothing wrong with feeling appreciated by others,
By basking in praise when you've created or done something exceptional.
Or when love hits you with the feeling that This person is the key to it.
Happiness ever after.
But when my sense of worth depends.
.
.
On your opinion of me.
Your approval.
What you think of me,
What you might think of me.
I'm going to live in an unstable world where pain and suffering are right around the next corner.
Here's what you can do.
Take some quiet time.
Shut off the phone.
Light a candle.
Set the intention.
To get honest about where you've been letting other people grade you.
Then write down your answers to these questions.
Who in my life has the most power over how I feel about myself?
What do I do?
To manage their opinion of me.
In trying to manage their opinion of me,
What don't I do?
Am I betraying myself in these relationships?
If so,
How would I prefer to show up?
In these relationships.
Here's the second thing you can do to get in touch with your inherent value.
I get clear about what I actually need and want.
Many people who struggle with self-esteem can tell you immediately and in great detail what everyone around them needs.
Ask them what they need,
And you get a long pause,
Followed by something vague.
Self-esteem thrives when we listen to our own heartfelt desires and act on them.
In the Finding Serenity course,
We talk about having the deepest experience of being alive.
And living a life of purpose.
Of coming into alignment with our unique sensitivities and skills.
That just can't take off until I recognize and admit.
What is most important to me.
Here's a valuable exercise we're doing periodically.
Get quiet,
No distractions.
And in your journal,
Draw two columns at the top of the first.
Absolutely must have.
The next one would be nice.
And then write.
What do you really want in your relationships,
In your work?
Your health.
Your home.
Whatever comes up.
Don't edit yourself.
If you stick something in the wrong column,
That's fine.
You can move things later.
When you feel done,
Look at the list and ask.
How much of my current life.
Includes those must-haves.
Keep this list in a place where you'll see it and revise it as needed.
Number three.
I act like I matter.
This takes self-esteem out of the realm of affirmations and turns it into behavior.
We can affirm ourselves,
Visualize and meditate,
But If I'm telling myself I have value while I'm chronically blowing off my health by sleep.
My finances,
My creative life.
My own heartfelt needs.
The universe is going to get mixed signals.
That part of me that believes I lack self-esteem is going to get mixed signals.
Because my behavior is overriding what I say I believe.
This is often what's taking place when we feel stuck.
Pick one area in your life where you could take better care of yourself.
One area where you could stretch or challenge yourself to grow.
Perhaps learn something new.
Just one.
Then identify one concrete thing you could do,
Something visible.
Something you can point to and say.
That's what it looks like when I act like I matter.
Keep it simple.
Something you can actually do.
And then track it.
Each time you tick that box,
You're giving yourself evidence.
I said I mattered.
Here's a picture of it.
Self-care becomes esteem made visible.
As we begin to clear away the misunderstandings about our value.
The ones we picked up along the way,
Something changes.
We begin to live from a different place.
I stopped surrendering the authority to determine my value.
I listen more closely to what matters to me.
And make choices that reflect the fact that I matter.
And gradually I begin to experience an unmistakable feeling of wholeness.
There's less conflict between what I feel,
What I know.
What I say,
What I do.
More aspects of my being are working together.
This is what we mean by integrity.
Another word from Latin meaning whole,
Complete,
Intact.
Self-esteem isn't about convincing ourselves that we're valuable.
Our value was never the issue.
Work is learning to see that value.
And then living like we believe it.
