Disentangling Codependency: Looking Outside Of Self

Codependency is about being focused on things outside of our self, especially other people. It is a deep-seated, self-protective pattern of looking for any number of things from others, including validation, identity, purpose, emotional regulation, security, or value. Self-recovery from codependency involves a kind and open internal shift from being dominantly other-centered to being able to balance your focus on both others with equal, authentic consideration of you.

Transcript

Hello, Welcome to this talk on disentangling codependency. Hi, I'm Nancy Johnston. I'm sitting here in this blue chair in my writer's studio here in rural Virginia. I have been a licensed professional counselor and a licensed substance abuse treatment practitioner for over 40 years, And codependency has been a specialty of mine for 37 of those years. I've been invited to share what I have learned through Insight Timer, And I'm going to be doing that in small audio recordings. Disentangle has been a word with me ever since I started working on understanding codependency. My journey, My personal journey, Started in the late 1980s when a family member went into recovery for alcoholism, And I entered a 12-step program for family and friends of people with alcohol use problems. Little did I know that I would be working so deeply on myself. I thought as I started that I was simply going to be attending an auxiliary to support and help the person in recovery from their addiction. I fairly quickly learned that I also had things within me that needed to be healed, And before I say more about those particulars, I want to say that in this year of 2026, What I share with you is non-pathologizing and non-judgmental. Any and everything I came to understand about me and codependency, Which I now share with clients and clinicians and now the broader world, Is simply learning to notice long-standing patterns that I have of relating to people that may involve me being out of balance in my focus on self and my focus on others. So, I bring this non-pathologizing style to my work because what we want to do is to gather understanding of what has created these patterns, Old wounds, Perhaps it was modeled for us, Self-protective parts, And then we want, As we get informed, To learn how to bring the focus in a balance of self and others, Not become selfish, But learn how to consider, Listen to, And respond to self even as we are responding to and listening to other people. So, Disentangle, I'll comment a little more on that word. In my early years of understanding codependency, I was also working, I realized that a number of my clients were entangled with other people, And it didn't have to involve substance addictions necessarily. It could involve relationships, Affairs, Volunteering, Working roles out at home. And so, I realized that we become entangled as we seek from others what we can also be giving to ourselves, And that what we want to do is to learn how to separate self and other in healthy ways that help us see what I can do for myself and what I should let go of that I'm trying to impose do for someone else when they likely can do it for themselves. So, Disentangle is a strong theme of my work, Untangling, Untangling me from you. So, Actually, In the long run, As I untangle me, I am able to have a better relationship with you as I am also having a better relationship with me. Take good care. Those are my thoughts as we start these journeys, These audio journeys together.