How I Edited An Agricultural Paper By Mark Twain

Mark Twain, American novelist, essayist and humorist, is perhaps best known today for creating the adventures of Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. But this is a short, witty piece that you may enjoy and find relaxing. It may sound silly at first but if you can listen to the end, you will be rewarded!

Transcript

Hello, It's Mandi here. Thanks for joining me tonight. So Mark Twain, Whose real name was Samuel Langhorne Clemens, Was an American writer, Humorist and essayist. He has been praised as the greatest humorist the United States has produced. And William Faulkner called him the father of American literature. If you've heard of him before, Which I'm imagining you have, It's probably through his novels, The Adventures of Tom Sawyer and its sequel, Adventures of Huckleberry Finn. But tonight's piece is a short piece called How I Edited an Agricultural Paper. But before I go ahead, Please feel free to make yourself really comfortable settling down into your chair or your bed. Relaxing your hands. Dropping your shoulders. And softening your jaw. That's wonderful. If you're ready, Then I shall begin. How I edited an agricultural paper. I did not take temporary editorship of an agricultural paper without misgivings. Neither would a landsman take command of a ship without misgivings. But I was in circumstances that made the salary an object. The regular editor of the paper was going off for a holiday and I accepted the terms he offered and took his place. The sensation of being at work again was luxurious, And I wrought all the week with unflagging pleasure. We went to press and I waited a day with some solicitude to see whether my effort was going to attract any notice. As I left the office towards sundown, A group of men and boys at the foot of the stairs dispersed with one impulse and gave me passageway, And I heard one or two of them say, That's him. I was naturally pleased by this incident. The next morning I found a similar group at the foot of the stairs and scattering couples and individuals standing here and there in the street and over the way watching me with interest. The group separated and fell back as I approached and I heard a man say, Look at his eye. I pretended not to observe the notice I was attracting, But secretly I was pleased with it and was purposing to write an account of it to my aunt. I went up the short flight of stairs and heard cheery voices and a ringing laugh as I drew near the door, Which I opened, And caught a glimpse of two young, Rural-looking men, Whose faces blanched and lengthened when they saw me, And then they both plunged through the window with a great crash. I was surprised. In about half an hour, An old gentleman, With a flowing beard and a fine but rather austere face, Entered and sat down at my invitation. He seemed to have something on his mind. He took off his hat and set it on the floor and got out of it a red silk handkerchief and a copy of our paper. He put the paper on his lap and while he polished his spectacles with his handkerchief, He said, I said I was. Have you ever edited an agricultural paper before? No, I said, This is my first attempt. Very likely. Have you had any experience in agriculture practically? No, I believe I have not. Some instinct told me so, Said the old gentleman, Putting on his spectacles and looking over them at me with asperity while he folded his paper into a convenient shape. I wish to read you what must have made me have that instinct. It was this editorial. Listen and see if it was you that wrote it. Turnips should never be pulled, It injures them. It is much better to send a boy up and let him shake the tree. Now what do you think of that for i really suppose you wrote it Think of it? Why, I think it is good. I think it is sense. I have no doubt that every year millions and millions of bushels of turnips are spoiled in this township alone by being pulled in a half-ripe condition. When, If they had sent a boy up to shake the tree, Shake your grandmother turnips don't grow on trees Oh, They don't do they? Well, Who said they did? The language was intended to be figurative, Wholly figurative. Anybody that knows anything will know that I meant the boy should shake the vine. Then this old person got up and tore his paper all into small shreds and stamped on them and broke several things with his cane and said, I did not know as much as a cow and then went out and banged the door after him. And, In short, Acted in such a way that I fancied he was displeased about something. But not knowing what the trouble was, I could not be any help to him. Pretty soon after this, A long, Cadaverous creature, With lanky locks hanging down to his shoulders, And a weak stubble bristling from the hills and valleys of his face, Darted within the door, And halted motionless, With finger on lip, And head and body bent in listening attitude. No sound was heard. Still he listened. No sound. Then he turned the key in the door and came elaborately tiptoeing toward me till he was within long reaching distance of me, When he stopped and after scanning my face with intense interest for a while, Drew a folded copy of our paper from his bosom and said, There, You wrote that. Read it to me, Quick. Relieve me, I suffer. I read as follows, And as the sentences fell from my lips, I could see the relief come. I could see the drawn muscles relax, And the anxiety go out of his face, And rest and peace steal over the features like the merciful moonlight over a desolate landscape. The guano is a fine bird but great care is necessary in rearing it. It should not be imported earlier than June or later than September. In the winter it should be kept in a warm place where it can hatch out its young. It is evident that we are to have a backward season for grain. Therefore, It will be well for the farmer to begin setting out his corn stalks and planting his buckwheat cakes in July instead of August. Concerning the pumpkin, This berry is a favourite with the natives of the interior of New England who prefer it to the gooseberry for the making of fruitcake and who likewise give it the preference over the raspberry for feeding cows as being more filling and fully as satisfying. The pumpkin is the only esculent of the orange family that will survive in the north, Except the good and one or two varieties of the squash. But the custom of planting it in the front yard with the shrubbery is fast going out of vogue. For it is now generally conceded that the pumpkin, As a shade tree, Is a failure. Now, As the warm weather approaches and the ganders begin to spawn, The excited listener sprang towards me to shake hands and said, My friends kept me under watch so strict but now I believe I am crazy and with that I fetched a howl that you might have heard two miles. I read one of them paragraphs over again so as to be certain and then I burned my house down and started. I have injured several people and have got one fellow up a tree where I can get him if I want him. But I thought I would call in here as I passed along and make the thing perfectly certain. And now it is certain, And I tell you, It is lucky for the chap that is in the tree. I should have killed him, Sure, As I went back. Goodbye, Sir. Goodbye. You have taken a great load off my mind. My reason has stood the strain of one of your agricultural articles, And I know that nothing can ever unseat it now. Goodbye, Sir. I felt a little uncomfortable about the injuries and arsons this person had been entertaining himself with, For I couldn't help feeling accessory to them. But these thoughts were quickly banished, For the regular editor walked in. I thought to myself, Now, If you had gone to Egypt, As I recommended you to do, I might have had a chance to get my hand in, But you wouldn't do it, And here you are. I sort of expected you. The editor was looking sad and perplexed and dejected. He surveyed the wreck which that old rioter and these two young farmers had made and then said, Is injured permanently I fear. True, There never was such a call for the paper before, And it never sold such a large edition or sword to such celebrity. But does one want to be famous for lunacy and prosper upon the infirmities of his mind? My friend, As I am an honest man, The street out here is full of people, And others are roosting on the fences, Waiting to get a glimpse of you, Because they think you're crazy. And well they might, After reading your editorials. They are a disgrace to journalism. Why, What put it into your head that you could edit a paper of this nature? You do not seem to know the first rudiments of agriculture. You speak of a furrow and a harrow as being the same thing. You talk of the molting season for cows, And you recommend the domestication of the polecat on account of its playfulness. And its excellence as a ratter. Your remark that clams will lie quiet if music be played to them was superfluous, Entirely superfluous. Nothing disturbs clams. Clams always lie quiet. Clams care nothing whatever about music. Ah, Heaven and earth friend, If you had made the acquiring of ignorance the study of your life, You could not have graduated with higher honour than you could today. You. I never saw anything like it. Your observation that the horse chestnut as an article of commerce is steadily gaining in favour is simply calculated to destroy this journal. I want you to throw up your situation and go. I want no more holiday. I could not enjoy it if I had it. Certainly not with you in my chair. I would always stand in dread of what you might be going to recommend next. It makes me lose all patience every time I think of your disgusting oyster beds under the heading of landscape gardening. I want you to go. Nothing on earth could persuade me to take another holiday. Oh, Why didn't you tell me you didn't know anything about agriculture? Tell you, You cornstalk, You cabbage, You son of a cauliflower, It's the first time I ever heard such an unfeeling remark. I tell you, I have been in the editorial business going on 14 years, And it's the first time I ever heard of a man's having to know anything in order to edit a newspaper. You turnip! Writes the dramatic critiques for the second-rate papers. Why, A parcel of promoted shoemakers and apprentice apothecaries who know just as much about good acting as I do about good farming, And no more. Who reviewed the books? People who never wrote one. Who does up the heavy leaders on finance? Parties who have had the largest opportunities for knowing nothing about it. Who writes temperance appeals and clamour about the flowing bowl? Folks who will never draw another sober breath till they do it in the grave. Who edit the agricultural papers, You yam? Men as a general thing. Who fail in the poetry line, Yellow-coloured novel line, Sensation drama line, City editor line, And finally fall back on agriculture as a temporary reprieve from the poorhouse. You try to tell me anything about the newspaper business. Sir, I have been through it from Alpha to Omaha, And I tell you, The lesser man knows the bigger the noise he makes and the higher salary he commands. I take my leave, Sir. Since I have been treated as you have treated me, I am perfectly willing to go. But I have done my duty. I have fulfilled my contract as far as I was permitted to do it. I said I could make your paper of interest to all classes, And I have. I said I could run your circulation up to 20, 000 copies, And if I had had two more weeks, I'd have done it. And I'd have given you the best class of readers that ever an agricultural paper had, Not a farmer in it, Nor a solitary individual who could tell a watermelon tree from a peach vine to save his life. You are the loser by this rupture, Not me, Pie-plant. Adios. I then left.

Reviews

Now this was something completely different! An Englishwoman reading Mark Twain, and a very silly Mark Twain at that! Excellent job! It put me to sleep multiple times, which perfect as far as I am concerned. Thanks as always Mandy!
PS - I have renewed IT Premium 😊

Thank you , Mandy. Loved it all but the clams really got to me 😆.

Well that was different! And not something I would have heard otherwise. Thanks for digging up these gems, Mandy. ❤️🙏

I loved this. So witty and interesting. Thank you Mandy