You keep trying to fix how you're talking to each other.
But it seems like nothing is getting better.
And if you're starting to wonder,
In quiet moments that keep you up at night,
If the real problem is that you're just incompatible.
That's one of the most common questions I hear from couples sitting in my office.
Is this a communication issue that we can work on?
Or maybe we're just wrong for each other.
I think when the same fights keep happening,
When you feel misunderstood,
No matter how carefully you try to explain yourself,
It can be easy to conclude that the problem is bigger than that same old fight that keeps happening.
Here's what I've learned after two decades of watching couples navigate this question.
Most of the time,
What looks like a compatibility problem is actually a family imprint collision.
Let me give you an example.
I remember working with David and Lisa.
They came to me convinced they were incompatible.
He was a planner.
She was spontaneous.
He needed structure.
She needed freedom.
Complete opposites.
They'd been trying for years to meet in the middle,
But it always felt like compromising meant someone was losing.
On the surface,
It looked like an absolute mismatch.
They even had different temperaments,
A lot of the times different needs,
And different ways of moving through the world.
But when we started exploring their family histories,
Something really different emerged.
David grew up in chaos.
His parents were completely unpredictable.
Money was unstable.
The rules changed depending on mom's mood.
As a child,
He learned that safety meant creating some kind of structure.
In having a schedule he could count on,
That was how he managed his anxiety.
Now Lisa,
She grew up in rigidity.
Her childhood was over-scheduled.
Every moment accounted for.
No room for spontaneity or exploration.
No room to follow what her interests were.
After school,
She'd be shuttled off to a series of all these activities.
She was always on the go.
Looking at a full calendar literally made her chest feel tight.
So when David wanted to plan the fun weekend away,
His body was trying to create the safety that he never had.
And when Lisa resisted that plan,
Her body was trying to protect some freedom that she had fought so hard to claim.
Neither of them is wrong.
They're both responding to old needs that made perfect sense given where they'd come from.
Once they understood this,
The question shifted.
It was no longer,
Are we compatible?
It became something more about creating a relationship that honors both needs without making the other person feel wrong or even unsafe.
Once they started seeing this as two different survival strategies that had been trying to coexist all these years,
They could really find the deeper truth of how much they loved each other and wanted to find a way to stay together.
So how do you know if you're dealing with a communication problem or a compatibility problem?
Here are three questions that can give you some clarity.
Are you arguing about the same thing,
Just in different forms?
If your conflict always comes back to the same core issue,
Just kind of wearing a disguise,
It's usually not a compatibility problem.
We might want to look at some patterns that are running the show behind the scenes.
When the same themes keep surfacing,
The issue is not that you want different things most of the time,
The issue is that you've not yet decoded what the fight is really asking for.
So give some thought to the themes that keep coming up.
What is a larger issue that it might be pointing to?
The next thing I'd encourage you to look at is about sharing the same values,
Especially with what matters most.
Compatibility is not about liking the same things,
It's about valuing the same things.
Do you both value honesty,
Even when it's uncomfortable?
Do you both value growth?
Even when it's hard.
Do you both value being kind to each other,
Even in moments of conflict?
So if you're seeing a series of yes here,
You're compatible where it counts.
The rest is about navigation.
Here's where we can start to see some challenges.
If one of you values transparency and the other values privacy to the point of secrecy,
This can be a challenge.
Maybe one of you values accountability and the other values independence to the point of avoidance.
Those are pointing more to misalignments.
And value misalignments are much harder to bridge.
The next thing I'd want to explore is can you both get curious about why the other person needs what they need?
Can you understand why your partner wants what they really want inside their relationship?
And so,
If David can get curious about why Lisa needs spontaneity,
Instead of just judging her as irresponsible,
And then if Lisa can get curious about why David needs structure,
Instead of feeling like he's controlling,
Now they have a foundation to build on.
It seems that if curiosity isn't possible,
Or if every difference feels like too much of a compromise,
Instead of an invitation to understand,
Where compatibility starts to break down.
So what do you do if you're still not sure?
I'd suggest,
First,
Stop trying to fix the surface issue.
Stop trying to communicate better about the weekend plans or the budget or whatever topic keeps coming up.
Instead,
Get curious about what these topics represent.
Look a little deeper.
Look at your own family imprint.
What did you learn about the issues you keep fighting about?
Not what you think is right or wrong,
But more what your body learned was safe.
And then ask yourself this.
If we both understood where the other person was coming from,
Could we create something that works for both of us?
Or would one of us always have to sacrifice something essential?
