Why Setting A Boundary Is More Than Simply Saying No

The boundary itself is rarely the hard part; it's what happens in your body the moment the other person reacts to it. You set a limit or say no, the other person gets quiet, hurt, or angry, and then you start taking it back before you even know why.

In this workshop, we will explore what a boundary is actually protecting, where you learned to trade your needs for someone else's comfort, and how to stay in your body when your boundary lands differently than you hoped.

Transcript

Boundaries and the concept of why setting boundaries is more than just saying no. It really is. I mean, If it were that simple, We'd have it handled. It wouldn't give us another thought. And really the concept about where where our ability to set boundaries even came from in the first place. So we're going to talk about a lot of different things today. And I know I've said to my clients over the years, Oh, Probably thousands of times. And so I thought it would be important to share with you too. That this idea of a boundary It's not about keeping the other person out. But it's about keeping you in. When that other person might do what they do, Say what they say, Push all those triggers. And so a lot of the times that we distance ourselves from those boundary pushers in our life is because we've lost trust in ourselves. To stay with ourselves, With our limits, Grow our tolerance to be able to say, Oh, That topic makes me uncomfortable, Or no, I'm not able to help with that. We don't trust we'll be able to match what we feel on the inside with what we're saying in real time with that relationship. So sometimes, The way we handle that is by avoiding that person altogether. Spending less time in that relationship, You know, Calling them problematic and, You know, Which they might be. But the real truth is we are having a really hard time. Holding our boundary, Staying grounded, Holding that limit. And even if we back up a little bit, Even the ability to feel the limit in relationship with that person. And so much of that comes from. . . What we learned inside of our family of origin, Who I needed to be in order to belong, In order to feel love. So it's not about saying no better somehow, And it's not about. The holding of the no or the expressing of the no as being the hard part, I think the hard part is what goes on underneath. Maybe the guilt you might feel, Or if you do sort of state a limit, You feel like, Oh, I wish I could take that back. I feel so uncomfortable. Look how disappointed they are. And so it's all that happens inside, Let's call it the sensations of your body. The expressions of what's happening on the inside directly related to that family imprint. Books on boundaries are incomplete and they do miss the role of that family imprint. It's not just a checklist of say this, Do that, Everything's fine because it misses our body. It misses the body memory of if I don't help, I'm selfish or I'm a bad person. I've even worked with clients who their mom will say to them, You're such a bad daughter. If she won't do all the things. And so it almost feels like the boundary is just whoop. Pulled up right out from under you. And if you're faced with, Oh, No, If I don't help, I'm a bad daughter. And so it's this pull in with guilt. When we are aiming to set a boundary, We want to be so conscientious not to do it when we're triggered, When we're charged, You know, That we want to be able to do it when we're very much in our body, Grounded, And in this space that sort of preempts, A little bit like preventative medicine, We're gonna preempt the issue from taking hold. Now, That can be a really tall order because for those of us who have been keeping the peace or not wanting to rock the boat, I'm kind of asking you to rock the boat before anything has happened. And I realize how that sounds. And so to know that we can actually set a limit. Without it moving into this huge place of being charged. And so things like, Um, I'm so glad you could come, But I need to get to bed by eight. I've got a big day tomorrow. And so just wanting to share that before we really get into our visit, That I'm just honoring that I've been really tired lately. And so an example like that, Where you're setting a limit that we're going to wrap it up by a certain time. Because sometimes we go beyond our own limits and this is where we lose trust in ourselves to be around the people that really push in on those limits. And so when we're triggered, This can be, It's almost like a knock that says, Okay, How do you want to handle it? Do you want to hold that boundary? What are you going to do? And we're getting into the practice at first to listen to our body. So sometimes, The limit might feel like a contraction, Might feel like tightness, Might feel like another brick in the wall of that resentment building. And so the first step is to start to notice how does your body respond when a boundary has been crossed, When too much is being asked, When you're feeling, I don't want to have this conversation, And I also realize I'm not saying anything. And so we're starting to match up what's happening on the inside and what I'm willing to say on the outside. And so something happens to cross that boundary, We're first checking in on our body. And then so that we're not trying to set the boundary when charged, When activated. That didn't feel good. And I've got something up in my heart and I don't want to respond in a reactive way. And so I'm just going to take a minute. So that I can kind of rise to the occasion because you're worth it. This relationship is worth it. I don't want to be reactive. I don't want to say something I'm going to regret. But something about what's happening here isn't sitting well, And I just need a minute. And so I recognize there are some relationships that will be like, Of course, Yeah, Good. Take that time. And others, They would look at you like you suddenly sprouted five heads and what? What are you talking about? And so you can determine. Where can I be honest and direct? And where do I just need to say? Just give me a sec. I'll be right back. And you don't have to explain that you actually need a little bit more time to slow things down. To listen to your body. And to begin to get in the practice of matching. What do I feel inside? And what am I willing to express? I think what many of my clients bump up against, And I've heard over the years, Is they sort of chuckle when I say something like that. And they're like, Oh, Well, I've tried to set a boundary with my dad or my mother-in-law or my sister. And they just, They don't agree with it. And so this is another really important clue. That the boundary is not about the other person. Accepting it, Agreeing to it, Understanding it. That is your own limit. That you actually don't have to justify or explain. And so in those type of situations, You might find. Okay, Here I go. Setting the boundary again, You know, Number 32. And for you to not lose your patience with that. That there are some people typically it's the people that don't have boundaries themselves they're completely oblivious to asking too much to crossing a limit you know the people that are very self orientated and can only kind of see. What they need or how it affects them. And so this can be really, Really challenging when you are building the courage, Saying the thing, Holding the limit, And they want to just like plow right over it and completely dismantle it. Like the example with my client who the mother says, You're a terrible daughter. And it's like, Oh, OK, OK, I'll do the thing. Because none of us want to be the terrible daughter. And yet. . . Statements like that, That are so dramatic, They put us at this crossroads of either I'm being terrible in my mom's eyes or I'm being terrible to myself. And I'm not listening to my own limits. And only you are going to be able to say, Um. Gnome It can't be like this. I can't, It's not sustainable. And when I said before boundaries protect what matters most, When we overgive, Over function. It ends up damaging the relationship because yes, We'll feel resentful and back away bit by bit by bit. And that relationship no longer feels good to us. And so maybe we lose a sister, Or our mom, Or a dear aunt. Because they ask too much and we can't trust ourselves to be in relationship with them. And so we step all the way back. And so these challenging personalities, It's not all bad. They've also got some great traits, And they might be fun to, I don't know, Go see a concert with, Or go out for dinner with, Or spend time just out of the beautiful history you have with this family member. And so we don't want to cut them all the way off because of whatever has been hard in their lives that they haven't done the work. Of cultivating a boundary to keep their relationships healthy. So let's say you really know that if I let this friend down, Like let's say she's hosting some event that's important to her and she wants you to help out and attend the event and share with your friends and all this stuff. And at the time you're like, Okay, Great. Yeah. I'd love to help you. I want this event to go really well. And something happens in your own world. So you're super drained, You're out of energy, And the event comes that night and you're just like, Oh my gosh, That's the last place in the world I want to go. And that you have the Willingness to disappoint the friend instead of disappointing yourself. To be able to have the conversation that I know I promised you I'd be there. And along the way, I have certainly sent out your invitation. I've certainly shared with friends. I've supported you in the way that I can. And there's been a lot that's come up for me this week. And I really need to listen to my body and rest. She is, I thought I could count on you, You know, Says something like, You're the bad daughter. And all of a sudden you think, Oh, I do want her to count on me. I do feel bad about this. That there is a space where you're able to say exactly that. I am the friend you can count on. But I also need to count on myself. And I want to be sure that I'm actually protecting our friendship because if I do things for, If I override the things that I'm not able to do. If I go but I really don't want to because I'm exhausted. I don't want to feel resentful and have that damage our relationship long term, So I need to listen to my body and pull back. Sometimes this is what's gonna come back at you. And that's where we grow our tolerance. And that's a really big part of it's almost like the first step is being able to tune into your body. And okay, How does how does no feel? And how does yes feel? What's the difference there? And then the second step is the courage to express it, Express it in a way that honors you and honors the relationship. And then the third. Is the growing of the tolerance that, Yep, I'm going to say this thing. It's going to disappoint this loved one. And maybe they get snippy. And maybe they say really unfortunate things that makes me want to spend even less time with them. And so there's this sort of honoring the body and listening. Being able to courageously match what you feel inside with what you're saying outside. And then also really holding that limit, Growing the tolerance that It's either about disappointing you, Or disappointing myself. A situation where maybe a family member has misunderstood. Or doesn't like that you've spoken up for yourself, Or doesn't like that you've set this boundary. And so drawing back into your own heart, Checking in with your own limits, Checking in with what you've given and maybe over given. And so you've got to determine your own reality, Your own choices, Your own decisions. And letting the other have their own version of events without feeling like you have to defend. So the biggest movement in the body of work that I share with my clients is this beautiful movement that is, I agree to you as you are. And so let me use a really tender example of an emotionally immature mom. Gosh, Maybe she's in her 60s or 70s. That's not going to change. And you're the daughter who's doing her growth, Who would love a closer relationship, But every single time you step in for that visit or want to receive something that you hope could be there in the relationship, You're disappointed. It's like, Oh, She's just talking about herself again. And I'm the one that's listening instead of being able to receive anything. And somehow this just feels terrible. And so there's this place of, OK, I am going to accept that my mom is emotionally immature. The movement that I want is to take the next step. Is to pull from an understanding of how did my mom get to be this way? Why didn't she sort of grow her emotional maturity? Why is she sort of stuck in that Mm, Space where everything's about her and I'm supposed to give to her. And perhaps you start to do a bit of family research. And maybe grandma died early or was an alcoholic or grandpa had an affair and grandma's whole energy went to try to save the marriage to keep the family stable because back then that was what was needed. And so we want to cultivate. Context, And compassion. So that we are able to come into the relationship. With a place in our heart that says, How could this be any other way? Mom didn't receive enough of what every child would need to really grow and thrive. And so she's sort of stuck in this emotionally immature space. And so I take that role of showing up maybe for shorter visits. Maybe let's grab coffee instead of dinner. Maybe let's have an evening visit instead of a weekend getaway. I'm gonna limit it. Because my role is to show up as a daughter. And I'm going to do my best to receive what's available. And so when I've shared with my clients about this, They're like, Receive what's available? Didn't you just hear me describe what goes on, How much it hurts me? So I'm talking about. Receiving the tone of her voice. Receiving, Wow, Here I am in mom's kitchen, And who knows how many more visits like this I'll be able to have. At the biggest level, I'm receiving this gift of life. And if that's what she was able to give, I'm going to let that be enough. And so it's a very different practice that we stop. We stopped the fight for. . . What we wish it could have been like. We build our context. Because this whole thing, And this is so true, I've heard this so many times, Van, This, Well, We're not really gonna have a relationship until she does her deeper work, Until she heals. Well, Let's be honest, We've all got people in our world that are not gonna do the deeper work, That are not on the similar path that we are in. That doesn't mean we have to be in some sort of holding pattern. The work is in us, The change is in us. So don't let yourself sort of be put on pause in a way, Waiting for them to give you more of what you need. So just like the boundary is not about the other person agreeing to it. Or understanding it. It's more about you practicing saying it again if that's what's needed. Whole concept that boundary setting is more than just saying no. Wow, It's so true. Because I could give you guys a script, Right? Here's what you say. Here's the perfect sentence. But if your body is still sort of shouting out that no is going to lead to this relationship shutting down, No is going to lead to the silent treatment. Love shuts or the boundary shuts me off from feeling loved. That sentence won't even make it out. The body is going to win every time. And so we've got to work underneath. We've got to be able to understand that pattern that's been running. That decides whether or not you even pause. To listen to how your body is responding. And that's what I would encourage you to do. To pause at every single invitation, Even fun ones. You know, Maybe you think, Oh, Susie invited me to go away for the weekend. Oh, That's a getaway would be great. I want you to even say, You know what? Let me just check my calendar. Let me just, I'll get back to you. I want that to be your go-to, To give yourself the pause. So that you can reflect. Oh wow, Susie gets really political. And it feels like everything I say wraps back around to some terrible conversation that I don't want to be a part of. Or Susie is still talking about her ex-husband and no matter what I might say as a suggestion or advice, She's like dug in to all of this blame and it's so repetitive, I don't wanna be around that. And so notice there's a difference between what sounds like a super fun getaway. And what is the actual truth? Of how it's going to feel. How it's gonna go. And so even for fun things say, Let me get back to you. And especially for those questions like, Hey, Can you help me move? Hey, Can you take care of my cat for two weeks? Hey, Can you pick up my, My children at school? Cause I've got to do this. Let me get back to you. I would love to help, But let me just check in with what I've got going on. So that you give your body the chance to speak to you. So many of us, It's almost like a knee-jerk reaction. The request comes in and the yes, I'd love to help comes out. Even if afterwards you're like, What did I just do? I just did it again. Because we're so afraid that we're going to be met with anger. We're so nervous about the passive aggressive comments. So we've learned to just be agreeable. And the risks here is that. If we learned. . . Our feelings, Our preferences, Our limits don't really matter. So we've just gotten so used to just passing them by, Let alone admitting them to ourselves. So this first step is just so important. How do we not feel hurt by the person that we're putting the boundaries around? The boundaries are there because their relationship is harmful. Okay, Let's go back to boundaries are not about keeping the other person out, But about keeping you in. So boundaries are what we need in life, Whether I go to the airport or the grocery store, Or I'm in a conversation with my difficult sister or mom or dad. Boundaries are about keeping me in. I have them with everyone, Not just the difficult people. And so the person will be upset. They will be, They will push back. They will be like, Hey, You were the person I could always count on. Where'd you go? Why is this different? So that's the third part about building our tolerance. Yep, You're disappointed. Well, I'm at a crossroads of either you're disappointed or I'm disappointed. And my needs have to be included in what's important here. And so that growing our tolerance. And that's going to probably bring up feelings of guilt. And so the founder of the work that I do, And I've done for 20 years, This is probably one of his most widely misunderstood concepts. The work I do is Family Constellations. His name is Bert Hellinger. He's known as one of the greatest psychotherapists of our time. And he says, There is no transformation. There is no long-term meaningful change without guilt. Guilt is a signal we are making change in the appropriate direction. That guilt is, Um. . . An essential ingredient to that change. And so as soon as we can start to think of it as like, Oh, Yeah, And here comes the guilt right on time, It's almost like step one. I'm going to feel my body. What's a yes? What's a no? You know, We're listening to ourself from the inside. We run our whole lives and our decisions from the outside. What's needed from me and how do I respond? And what I'm asking you to do is switch that. And run your life from the inside out. This is my boundary for keeping me in. We are up against. Many of the learnings in our childhood that love needed to be earned by some sort of like academic or athletic performance. Love needed to be earned by being needed, By being the helpful one, The good daughter, You know? And so, Especially if we had like the rebel sibling or a disabled sibling, An addicted sibling, Some sort of difficulty where you're sort of cornered honored in to be the good one. And so we recognize that this is just my role. This is what I have to do. This is what's expected of me. And if I step out of that. . . It's dangerous. And so we start to look at if I choose myself. The person that I'm setting the boundary with is going to be hurt. It's highly likely. Because what we're doing is we're changing the rules of engagement. We're changing the setup of this relationship to include you. Where before it was like, This is, Who do you need me to be? I'm gonna do all the things so that this relationship stays good. And here's the other important thing. This was never a decision. We sat down and we consciously made, And this is who I am. This is more a child reading what the family needed. This is how I stay safe. This is how I'm called the good one. This is how I'm appreciated. And here's how I. Shape myself around all of that. And so if you grew up in an environment where any of your normal, Natural needs as a child came second or, Gosh, Came last around someone else's mood, Around a parent's addiction, Around a parent's mental health crisis, Around a sibling being born a year later with all kinds of health crises. A boundary might feel Gosh, I'm risking everything if I do this. Because of that shaping environment. It's almost like you're going up against an imprint or a rule. That this is who I have to be. And so a few reflection questions as you consider, How might I go about Setting a boundary that feels good. That feels like something I can tolerate, Something I can grow with? How can I start to be in relationships where it includes me? So just you can kind of close your eyes and answer in your own body or get your journal out and answer, You know, Pen to paper. Growing up. What's the first thing that comes to mind? About what would happen in your home. If you said no. The recognition that, You know, I'm just trying to think back in the 80s when I was raised. I don't think no was really allowed. You know, I came from the, You're going to sit at that table until you eat your Brussels sprouts. I don't care if it's tomorrow morning. You know, There was nothing like, Honestly, I don't like Brussels sprouts. No, Thank you. That was, That was not allowed. And so I'm more speaking about. As we start to individuate, As we become teenagers, As we become young adults, As we navigate that relationship inside of Mom, I'm really sorry that you're struggling with this. But you know what? That's my dad you're talking about. And it actually really hurts me to hear this. And because I'm your daughter, How am I supposed to have any kind of meaningful solution here? That really sounds like something you'd ask a friend or therapist. To be able to hold such a strong boundary. Because the truth is none of us have any business inside of our parents' marriage. And if we grew up as the mediator, If we have a parent that complains to us about the other parent, We are really likely to replicate that in our own relationships. It can be really hard. Yeah, Lisa, You're agreeing with me, Hey? You were born in 88 and no wasn't allowed either. And now that I've been starting to enforce boundaries, It's been met with resistance. But it also feels like freedom for me once I get past the passive aggressive comment. Yeah. And I think, You know, That saying like the crab in the bucket, You know, You're the crab that's just at the lip, But about to go over. And those passive aggressive comments are like, Well, We're going to pull you back down. And we also get to have the. It's almost like an invitation. Am I going to take the bait? Or am I going to really with compassion say in my heart, Wow. Yeah, I'm really changing things up in this relationship. And I was self-sacrificing. I was agreeing to things I didn't want to do. And mom and dad got used to that. And so as I'm reorganizing things, Maybe they will have pushback. That's OK. That's understandable. But it doesn't mean I'm going to change the way I'm doing it. Yeah, Dad, It is a shorter visit this time. Let's make the most of it. And so you're actually responding and notice my tone. It's kind of playful. It takes the sting out. It's addressing what they're saying. Because here's the other part. If we don't address, Yeah, It is a shorter visit, Dad. Yeah, Let's make the best of it. A thorn inside of us that builds on top of, You know, Two weeks later we're having some conversation and another little minor passive aggressive something is said and you jump on it. Because it's sitting on top of this previous one. So the more we can meet it, Address it from that deeper grounded place of Of course they'd be disappointed. Of course, For years I've gone over and above my own limits and then got used to it. Here's another self-reflection question. Who in your family? Could never hold a boundary. And on the other side, Is there somebody you can think of in your family? Who couldn't hear one. You know, Was it that difficult grandma? Was it that difficult aunt or uncle who came to visit every so often? Allowing yourself to really connect. So what that looks like. Here's a really deep reflection question that you might take with you after this class even. What did you learn you had to do? To feel loved. To stay in a sense of belonging inside of your family. So the first layer of feeling trapped is love is conditional. If I don't do this, I lose the love. And so that keeps us in a state of over-giving, Over-functioning, Going over my limits because we might even be in our 50s or 60s, But we can go back to being that child who just needs the love. And so all of a sudden we're just agreeing to all these things. And so if love feels conditional, We've got to go or it's the healthiest healing movement is to go beyond that and to get curious. What is the setup for my parents that has them show up in this way? That limits their ability to love their daughter freely, Unconditionally, In the sort of biological way that parent-child love goes. What has shifted their perspective, Culturally, Religiously, How they were raised? The whole concept here, Everyone, Is to step out of taking it personal. That this is not directly about you, It's about the parents' limitation to move beyond how they were culturally raised, Religiously shaped. Or the harm from their own childhood that sets up this huge block, This huge limitation to love unconditionally. This concept of you want to be a photographer and they want you to be a lawyer. And I can't tell you how many clients I've worked with that have this dynamic. And they become the freaking lawyer or the doctor or the teacher. And they just long to be the artist. And they're living this whole life that their parent thinks is the path. And they are deeply unhappy. And so they reach this crossroads, You know, In their 40s or 50s, Like, I'm so deep in depression. Because I haven't been following my own heart, My own thoughts, My own choices. And then they reach this crisis point. Back it all the way up. What do I need? What's right for me? What are my limits?