We're going to continue the conversation today with talking about choosing the identity that you become and allowing the old identity to be released.
Again,
If you're new to me,
My name is Kelly Kessler.
I'm a doctor of physical therapy.
I'm a transformation coach,
And I also host the podcast Rewiring Health.
And I primarily help high achievers transition from self-abandonment to self-loyalty.
And so if you haven't joined me before,
I'll share a little bit about self-abandonment because that's what we're talking about today.
And I find that often these patterns ride underneath the surface and we live with them without even being aware that we're living with these patterns.
And so self-abandonment is when you prioritize others' needs,
Wants,
And desires above your own to the extent that you start sacrificing what's meaningful to you.
It's where you try to smooth and take responsibility for others' emotions to the point that you are draining yourself in the process.
It's also where you feel the obligation to make sure everything outside of you is okay,
Even at the cost of sacrificing your own peace.
And so there are so many elements and aspects to this,
And there are so many layers to this.
And we're going to get into a little bit today about how we subtly chose that subconsciously.
It's not that we wake up and say,
I'm going to abandon myself today.
It's that we learned certain ways of being to survive and adapt in a way that served us.
At some point in our life.
And it is those patterns that continue on until we bring light to them and start to see them for what they are.
That's exactly what we're talking about today is how do we've first created that identity with ourselves by micro decisions,
But how do we start to then choose a new identity so that we're not living these patterns of self-sacrifice and self-abandonment?
So I want you to think for a moment as I give some of these examples if you've ever experienced this in your life.
And if you feel open to share this,
Leave it in the comments because I find that when we see that we're not alone in experiencing this,
This is when we can start to see that you're not the only one who's going through this and there is hope to navigate this outside of these behaviors.
And I also want you to see that there's nothing to shame yourself for.
Like I said,
These patterns develop from some point in your life where you learned that you needed to adapt in order to maintain connection and a sense of belonging outside yourself.
And this is,
Again,
Underneath the surface of our conscious choice.
So as you see these patterns in yourself,
Recognize that this is not an indication that something is wrong with you.
It's not an indication that you were weak.
It is not an indication that you didn't cope well with life.
It's actually an indication that your system is incredibly smart and is able to adapt in a way that served it at the time it adapted.
But now,
As you start to evolve,
You can recognize these patterns and see that they may no longer serve you for the person you desire to become.
So some of these subtle patterns that we see are the most minute things that you may think it doesn't even matter.
Like that's often what we see with self abandonment is that they are so small and so subtle and maybe something that you've always done that you didn't even realize was part of this.
And as I describe self-abandonment,
Self-abandonment is not something that happens overnight.
It's not something that you just decided that that is how you're going to show up.
It was a slow erosion of your essence.
It was the spark and the light inside of you that gradually became dimmer.
And it was so gradual that you didn't realize how dim it had become in the process.
And so some of these ways that we abandon ourselves and may not even realize it,
Or when we are in a conversation and we smile and kind of go along with it without actually speaking up for ourselves.
We just try to make sure that the peace is kept,
That we're not causing a rift in the relationship and that we may have something that we want to say or we may disagree with something that's said,
But instead of saying it,
We essentially stuff it down and we keep it to ourselves.
And then we may go home and be like,
I should have just said it.
Like,
Why do I,
Why do I go along with that conversation?
Not true for me.
And then you end up finding yourself ruminating on why you didn't just say what you needed to say.
Another way we do this is not speaking up for our needs.
So it could be something so simple that you decide to go to some restaurant and you really wanted a certain meal and someone else wanted another meal and you really didn't want that meal because maybe you never find something at that restaurant but you just went along with it,
Didn't want to say anything about it and then you end up at the restaurant you didn't find anything you wanted to eat and you're like why didn't I just say something but yet It's just these subtleties that you think,
Okay,
I'm just someone who's easy to get along with.
I'm just someone who's adaptable,
And it doesn't matter.
It can also come up when you walk into a room,
You feel the tension in the room,
And instead of recognizing that the energy of the room or the dynamics may have nothing to do with you,
You immediately go into hypervigilance and trying to figure out what you need to say to smooth it over or who you need to talk to.
Or the discomfort of that energy is so suffocating that you feel like,
I have to get this fixed.
I have to figure out what's going on.
On because like,
Is this about me?
And you often take on what's going on outside of you as if it's your own.
And so you carry far more than you ever were intended to carry.
Another way you can do this by abandoning yourself is when you don't set boundaries,
Because you're fearful of what boundaries may bring.
And so,
Boundaries are the standards in which you choose to live your life.
And boundaries are a healthy aspect of relationships.
But if you are someone who has been a people pleaser,
You're the one who's dependable,
You're the one who gets along with everybody,
You may have lived most of your life never actually having boundaries or never being aware of what your needs are to set those boundaries.
And so as you start to realize that,
Man,
This relationship is really draining or every time I'm with this person,
It is exhausting and I don't know what I don't know what to do with it.
To see that there is a need for boundaries.
The minute you recognize that need.
You feel this resistance,
Like,
Well,
What will they think?
If I say no,
What are the consequences of that?
If I pull back my energy,
What's going to happen with this dynamic?
Because I've been the one who's been holding it together.
And then you worry about.
The other person far more than you worry about your own needs.
And so,
You end up not setting the boundary.
Or you set it,
You feel it out,
And then you soften it and go back into your old patterns.
You also have a really hard time maybe sitting with discomfort.
So you notice that there's a situation that feels very uncomfortable.
So you immediately go into that role of smoothing it over,
Fixing whatever needs to be fixed because you have a hard time sitting with any discomfort.
In anyone else,
And you recognize that if the piece is kept outside yourself,
Then you feel like you might be okay,
And that you can sacrifice and deal with whatever you need to deal with in order for that to be the case.
It can also occur at work where you are the one who gets everything done,
You're the dependable one,
And so you find that projects end up getting put on your desk,
Or you take on more of a role without any compensation for it,
And you continue to give more and more and more.
And you find that you're experiencing this resentment building up in yourself,
But yet you continue to do it and you continue to show up and you continue to tolerate it.
And you just deal with the emotions on your own accord and not actually make any changes outside yourself because you don't want to disrupt the dynamic.
So these are just a few examples.
And if anything has resonated with you,
Let me know in the comments.
Is there something that I just shared that you're like,
Yep,
That's what I experienced?
Or is there something outside of that that you notice,
Yeah,
Like I am not speaking up for myself,
Or I am just trying to smooth things over,
Or I am just staying in that relationship for the sake of not wanting to disrupt anything,
Or I am the one who's taking on more than I ever needed to take on?
And if you don't see them explicitly,
That's okay too.
Because it,
Like I said,
Self abandonment rise underneath the surface because on the outside,
It seems to work.
Likely you are getting a lot of praise at work,
So you're like,
Well,
Okay,
You know,
This is working.
You feel like you have stability at your job.
Likely relationships do seem to work because you're the one who's constantly making adjustments.
Likely,
You feel like you're looking at your life and you're like,
Okay,
I have achieved all this.
Like,
From an outside perspective,
It seems like I have it all together.
So you can look at your life and think,
Yes,
This is all working out for me.
But only you know the cost within yourself to maintain that.
And the cost typically is when you go home and you feel completely drained,
You have no more capacity for anything else.
Or the cost is that you feel this resistance in yourself,
This resentment building up of,
Why am I not choosing myself?
Why am I not sticking up for myself?
Why am I not speaking up for myself?
Why do I continue to find myself in the same dynamics?
And often the cost is rumination at night,
Waking up at 3 a.
M.
Thinking about everything you should have said.
Or the cost is seeing a text message from someone you didn't want to see it from and you start spiraling and feeling like you have to.
Explain it and justify every single decision that you've ever made.
That is typically the cost that only you know in those quiet moments for what you are doing outside yourself by maintaining the peace outside yourself.
Again,
This is so nuanced that my situation may be completely different from your situation,
But it's the energy behind it.
It's the energy of worrying and fear of what could happen outside yourself and sacrificing anything you need to within yourself just to keep the peace outside yourself.
Again,
All these subtleties that have started to create this identity within yourself and has created this identity within yourself for likely years,
Where you have made these micro decisions that in order to keep the peace outside yourself,
You will continue to play that role.
And that starts to create this identity,
The identity that you have within yourself as this is how I show up,
And this is what works.
And today I want you to take this opportunity to see that just as you have created the identity that has required you to abandon yourself,
You can also start to make those micro choices to start to choose self-loyalty.
And that is where you start to take your energy back,
Take your power back,
And determine where your life goes based on your own values and your desires.
And so this is where if you can start to recognize those micro decisions when they're happening,
That's when you can stop putting them in the bucket of self-abandonment and start putting them in the bucket of self-loyalty.
So what does that look like?
What does it actually mean to make those micro choices?
And how does that start to create a new identity within yourself?
So this could literally be,
I gave the example of the restaurant.
So you didn't want Chinese food,
You wanted Italian food and you could say,
You know what?
I really like want an Italian tonight.
Doesn't matter where you end up going,
It's just the fact that you spoke up for yourself and you vocalized your needs.
It could be that you're always the one who's doing the dishes and the laundry,
And it feels just like so much.
And instead of just sucking it up and continuing to do it,
You could say,
Hey,
Listen,
Like this has been a lot.
Do you mind just helping me fold the clothes?
Again,
In the big scheme of things,
It might not seem like that big of a deal,
But it's those little things that you start to do that start to honor what you need,
Start to make you feel safe enough to feel heard,
Allow you to express yourself in a way that feels aligned with you without always looking at others' needs,
Wants,
And desires.
Another thing.
That you can do is when you get that text message that that feels really like kind of icky,
Like you don't really want to respond to this person.
You're like,
Oh my gosh,
I don't want to deal with this.
Instead of jumping in to explain or smooth,
You just pause and you check in with yourself.
Like,
What is the way that I want to respond to this where I don't leave myself behind in this?
And just that check-in is,
Again,
Another vote for the self-loyal version of yourself.
So,
It's all these little moments that start to rewire the patterns in your brain,
Start to transform you from the inside out.
It can also be that maybe you do finally set that boundary.
And then you get the guilt trip from the person that you set the boundary with,
That in the past may have been where you just soften and be like,
Okay,
I know,
Although,
You know,
I didn't mean to,
We can figure out a way and you start negotiating your boundaries with that person.
That might have been the old version that was putting a bucket,
Putting a vote in the bucket of self-abandonment.
But now you can say.
To yourself,
You don't need to actually have this conversation with the person of like,
I set this boundary for a reason.
And me having this boundary has allowed me to have more energy.
It has allowed me to show up differently.
And I'm going to continue to uphold it.
And I'm not responsible for that person's emotions.
Again,
That could be one of those bigger micro shifts because obviously much more difficult than choosing the restaurant,
But it is one of those moments that can be pivotal in you putting a big vote in the bucket of self-loyalty.
So when you start to realize that there is not going to be some breakthrough where suddenly everything opens up and you become the self-loyal version of yourself,
It doesn't happen like that because it didn't get created like that.
It created,
The situation got created by the slow erosion,
And it will build up by the slow buildup as well.
So,
Every little choice starts to become a momentum towards the person that you desire to become.
And that is where your power resides.
And so for you being here right now,
You just made a vote in the bucket for the person you want to become.
And acknowledging that is where your power resides because we can go and autopilot.
And we can go on our day,
Get in the same routines,
Get in the same way of thinking,
Stay in the same belief systems.
But when we interrupt it and recognize when we actually are making a vote for our new version of ourselves,
That's when we start to rewire the patterns in our brain.
So for right now,
I want you to just to acknowledge yourself like you could have done so many things with this time right now.
I'm sure you have a load of dishes in your sink or you have laundry to do or you have stuff that's piling up at work,
Or you have emails you need to respond to,
You have a lot on your plate,
And I'm sure you do.
But you chose to take this time to be with yourself.
And that is that pivotal choice where you start to build up that new identity that I'm here for me.
I show up for me.
I honor my own values,
My desires,
My wants,
And my needs.
And by acknowledging that,
You recognize that you actually are making those changes in your life.
And so I want to take you through a quick exercise where you can start to transform yourself from that abandoning version of yourself that is unconsciously eroding your own essence to the version of yourself that is choosing yourself,
That is conscious,
That is recognizing how many times you keep voting for yourself and how your identity starts to shift in the process of doing that.
So take a moment right now,
I want you just to put your feet on the floor,
Take a deep breath in through your nose.
Another little inhale.
Hold for a moment.
And slow the exhale.
Do that one more time.
You're gonna relax the jaw,
Relax the shoulders,
Relax your facial muscles.
Allow everything just to be smoothed over and melt away.
So take another deep breath in.
Another sip in.
Hold.
Slowly exhale.
And now for the next two minutes,
So I'm gonna look at the time when I tell you to go,
But I'm gonna give you your instructions first.
For two minutes,
I want you first to get a piece of paper if you have one,
Or if that's available to you,
If you're driving or anything,
Of course,
Don't do that.
But if you have pen and paper,
I want you to take a moment to go get that.
So for two minutes,
I'll give you the timer.
You are going to brain dump everything that you have done in any time in your life that has been a vote for you becoming the self-loyal version of yourself.
So it can literally be that you.
Felt like you had all this stuff going on,
But you decided to go for that 5-minute walk because it was meaningful to you.
It may be that you have been meditating for 10 days straight.
It could be that you spoke up in a conversation.
It could be that you said no to an extra project at work.
It could be that you.
Chose something that just brought you joy and you didn't feel like you had to earn it.
It could be that you took a time to journal when you feel like you haven't made time to journal.
Any little vote,
Again,
No matter how small it is.
I want you to gather the evidence that you have in any aspect of your life that you are voting for that version of yourself.
And so this is literally,
You're not gonna overthink it,
You're not gonna try to justify it,
You're not gonna judge it,
You are literally just going to brain dump for two minutes every single piece of evidence you can find.
And I want you to see the magic in this because you have a system in your brain called the reticular activating system.
And this system,
When you train it to look for what you're looking for,
Will become so good at finding it.
And so with you setting the intention for two minutes to find evidence of you being the loyal version of yourself,
You will start to have things come into your mind that you might not have thought of in a very long time.
And so it's using your brain to help you find that evidence because it's through that evidence that your brain starts to realize,
Oh yeah,
Like I do a lot of things that are the self-loyal version of myself.
And as you shift that,
You will start to see more of that,
And you will see more opportunities to embrace that in your life,
And you will start to acknowledge more of that in your life.
And that's truly where your power resides.
So again,
We're going to start in a few seconds here.
I'm going to time you for two minutes.
I'll be silent.
And I want you just to completely brain dump everything you can possibly think of.
Okay,
So we'll start in five seconds.
OK,
And begin.
About 30 seconds left.
Okay,
And that is time.
If you feel called,
I would love for you to share in the comments some of the moments that you've gathered that you recognize the evidence that you are choosing yourself,
Or you are becoming that self loyal version of yourself.
I hope that throughout this day,
You continue to find more of those moments and choices that are bringing you towards self-loyalty.
And so that is really that powerful.
Micro choices that become the new you.
And this is all about the identity.
Because when you have a new identity,
You,
Your thoughts change,
Your beliefs change,
The way you approach yourself and others change.
So this is about creating that.
Because I find that that middle ground between who you were and who you want to become or desire to become or who you are becoming is where people get stuck.
Because the old version has this appeal.
It's comfortable.
It's safe.
It may not have brought you much joy,
But it has this appeal of like,
Well,
I know that.
Those are all the people I know.
This is how I perform.
This has worked.
It has this appeal that can draw you back into who you used to be.
And when you're not quite who you want to become and you're in this middle ground,
That's where I find most people get stuck of like,
Well,
How do I keep trusting that that version of me can actually be true,
Can actually be brought into reality?
And unless we have that support to get into that space of becoming who we're meant to be,
Sometimes we can go back into the old patterns,
Into the old dynamics,
And we can go back on our boundaries.
We can go back into all the things that we know are not good for us.
And that can be one of the most frustrating things to experience when you know better,
But you see in yourself that.
.
.
It's not coming into your life or you're not choosing it in the moment.
And then you know you're not,
You're aware of it,
But you're not actually embodying it.
And that's usually that gap can be the most frustrating space to be in when you are navigating this.
Thank you for joining me today.
And I hope that this has spoken to you.
I hope that it has given you the space to start to see how you are choosing yourself.
