Self-Loyalty In Real Life: 3 Ways To Start Choosing Yourself

What does self-loyalty actually look like in everyday life? In this session, we’ll explore how self-abandonment can quietly show up at work, at home, and in your relationships and why choosing yourself can sometimes feel uncomfortable at first. You’ll learn three simple practices to help you pause, reconnect with what you need, and begin building greater self-trust. Self-loyalty isn’t about getting it perfect—it’s about learning to stay with yourself, one choice at a time.

Transcript

What is the guilt, Fear, Pressure, And self-doubt that you feel after setting a boundary? No longer causes you to collapse underneath it. But instead, You learn how to stay with yourself. That's exactly what we dive into in this episode. In this episode, I share what it is like to move through the messy middle after you go from self-abandonment to self-loyalty. This episode was recorded during a live event, And I want to share it with you today. And in it, I share three pillars to guide you through staying loyal to yourself in some of the hardest moments in your life. Are new to me, I just want to introduce myself. My name is Kelly Kessler. I'm a doctor of physical therapy, And I am a nervous system educator and the host of the podcast Rewiring Health. And I help people, Specifically, I work primarily with women, But move from self-abandonment to self-loyalty. And so if you haven't joined me before, I just want to share a little bit about what self-abandonment is. So self-abandonment is when you prioritize others' needs, Wants, And desires to the point that you are sacrificing It is when you are pleasing and appeasing someone just to make sure that you keep the peace outside of yourself at the sacrifice of the peace within yourself. So this can take on many forms. It can take on overgiving, Feeling like you need to compensate for people's emotions, Feeling like you need to own everything, And feeling like guilt is running your life and fear is running your life rather than your own love for yourself. So that is self-abandonment. And what we're going to talk about today today is self-loyalty, The complete opposite, The embodiment of actually choosing yourself and staying with yourself. So how do we actually stay loyal to ourselves when there's so much pressure and demand pulling us away from ourselves? And you likely have felt it in many aspects of your life. So you may have felt at work where you are the one who holds it all together. You are the one who takes on the extra projects. You're the person that says yes. And then you feel like you're constantly trying to make sure everybody else is okay and that the situation is handled and that the work gets done. You may feel it in your dynamics in your personal life where you sense somebody's disappointment and instead of recognizing that that's their disappointment, You take it on as your own and feel like you have to fix it, That you have to change yourself, Adapt yourself just to appease that person. And it can also happen within ourselves. So it's not even always interrelational. It can be that we have this sense of I have to earn my ability to rest. I have to earn my ability to feel worthy. That when I put in enough work or when I show up in a certain way or when people are happy with me, Then I feel like I'm enough. So this can be a very compounding experience that we may not even realize we're in because it's often this behavior that we've learned along the way just to survive and show up in the world. So does self-loyalty mean betraying others? That's such a great question. We're going to get exactly into it, Into that. So it is a misconception that self-loyalty is betraying others because often when you're loyal to yourself, You'll notice that there becomes this backlash from others as if you are betraying others. And so I want to reframe this because self-loyalty is not about so much the relationship with others. It's more about the relationship with yourself. But the thing is, If you have been abandoning yourself for so long, You have essentially trained people that you're in relationship with that you will show up in a way that prioritizes their peace, Prioritizes their happiness. And when you start to choose yourself, That changes the dynamics. So when you do choose self-loyalty, It may be completely based out of just allowing yourself to feel at peace, Allowing yourself to move through love for yourself. But the perception from others who have been accustomed to you betraying yourself and have been the priority in your life will often be perceived as betrayal. And so if you've ever set a boundary, You've ever chosen yourself, You've ever said no or stuck up for yourself, You'll notice that it feels good initially, But then often there's this backlash that you'll experience from others that they may call you selfish, They may guilt trip you, They may make you feel like you are betraying them. And as long as you're making that decision for the love of yourself, That's not true betrayal, Because you're honestly just loving yourself and choosing yourself. But it can be perceived as betrayal from people who have been receiving the advantage of you betraying yourself in the process. So it can be a very convoluted situation because our perception can be adapted because we've been always trying to please and appease other people. To get into what our talk is about today, Self-loyalty, Is that there are three pillars I'm going to share with you today, Where you can start to become more loyal with yourself. In all these situations, Whether it's at work, Whether it's in relationships, Whether it's in family dynamics, In a partner relationship, All these aspects may have been asking of you to abandon yourself in order for them to stay connected to you. And so this is really the big point of this is that how do we start to stay in relationship with ourselves? How do we start to belong to ourselves when we belong to everybody else? How do we start to listen to our own inner voice when the whole world has been screaming at us to become a certain person. So before we get into those pillars, I just want to share some of those very specific situations that you may have found yourself in. So one example, Like I said, Is at work. So you may have been in a job or currently in a job that's asking a lot of you, And you may not even realize you're abandoning yourself because it's become so normalized. So it can be that you continue to take on new responsibilities without any compensation. You continue to say, Yes and then at home you resent the fact that you even said yes or that you find yourself in situations where you're constantly complaining about the situation and feeling like you don't know how long you can stay sustain that that position because it's taking so much out of you. And so I experienced this in my life for a long time. I'm I'm a physical therapist by trade. And so there was a job that I was driving an hour to get to the location and then I would do home visits. And as time went on, The the geographical area I was covering was getting longer and longer. So I was driving everywhere using my own gas, Using my own time, Working essentially 10 hour days, But only being able to bill for six hours. And it was this like gradual slippery slope of just allowing this to happen and then being angry at the situation. And this was that subtlety that I was truly just abandoning myself in that situation because I never checked in with myself. What do I need in this situation and how do I advocate for myself? So that's just one instance of it. It can also happen in relationships. So I can say a big part of my own journey with this was a very few close relationships that I finally stood up for myself, Finally set boundaries and recognize that I have been abandoning myself in order to keep those relationships going and that's really challenging to see because you don't it's so subtle when you're in those relationships. You don't realize how much you actually are sacrificing yourself or just stuffing down your truth or not speaking up for yourself or the moment you walk in a room and you feel the tension and then you feel like you're the one who has to fix it or somebody says something that you know in your heart you don't agree with but you you kind of go along with it because if you were to go against that you knew that it would cause a riff in that relationship. So these are all those subtle things that essentially start chipping away at us. So self-abandonment is not one fell swoop and you find yourself lost in your own self or empty. It's these subtle chipping away of your essence. And that's why it can be so challenging because we often don't see these patterns until we get to the point where we look at our life and from the outside it looks like it's all together. But only you know what it's cost you for it to be like that. Like that. And only you know the day in and day out sacrifices you make to make sure the piece is kept together, To make sure everything is being held together. You're the one bearing the burden. And that's why it's such a personal relationship because self-abandonment is not something we consciously choose. Self-abandonment is something we've learned along the way to feel safe in ourselves. We have established a safety in that if we have connection with other people, If people are approving of us, If we have validation in some aspect, Then we feel safe. So it becomes this rat race of trying to constantly feel safe by making sure the outside world is in harmony, Regardless of how disruptive it becomes to our inner worlds. And so where this switches is that when we go from self abandonment, Where our safety has been outsourced, Self-loyalty is where we insource our safety. And that is the big switch. And that's what I'm going to guide you through today. But when you can feel safe in your own system, In your own body, In your own essence, Then it doesn't matter what's happening outside of you because you still feel at home with yourself. And that's when you can allow yourself to feel safe, Even if somebody is disappointed in you, Even if somebody is guilt tripping you, Even if relationships become strained, You still have your own space to come back to. So that's the beauty of this when you start to become loyal to yourself. I find that people end up going back into self abandonment patterns because it's one thing to set the boundary. But it's when you stay with a boundary that you have to be able to feel safe within yourself to sit in the aftermath of it. When somebody's sending you a guilt-ridden text message, When you are sitting there almost feeling alone because relationships have been strained, Or you're sitting in the self-doubt of like, What did I just do? And that's when I find that middle ground people are in, Where they finally choose themselves, They finally respect themselves. And they're moving towards self-loyalty, But they're in that messy middle. And that middle ground is that pivotal time where you either continue to make the choice to choose yourself over and over and over again and find evidence that self-loyalty is the right choice. Or what I find, Unfortunately, Most people do is go back into the version that they were before, Where they soften the boundary. They apologize for things they didn't even do wrong. They try to smooth it over, Try to fix it, Try to explain it, Try to justify it. Try to seek external validation, And it ends up sucking them back into those old patterns. And that's why after you set the boundary, That's really where the real work is, Because it's one thing to make the decision once, But it becomes a sequence of decisions that I'm choosing myself, I'm choosing myself, I'm choosing myself, Until you build the muscle where it's not so much a conscious choice of choosing yourself, It's just who you become. But it takes a lot of that consistency, Repetition, And support, To be honest, In that process to get to where you're going. But your nervous system likes to feel a sense of certainty, A sense of consistency, Familiarity. So your nervous system by itself is going to pull you back into what's familiar, Even if it doesn't serve you. So that's where you feel the sensations in your body. You feel your heart pounding when you get the message. You feel your breath getting shallow, The heaviness, A sunken feeling, The sickness in your stomach, Your body will actually respond when you do choose yourself, Which we can perceive as, Oh my God, I'm doing something wrong because it feels like a threat response that you're responding to. But I want you to understand it's not that you are choosing wrong, It's that you're choosing different and your nervous system doesn't know how to react to that because uncertainty and newness is a scary for the nervous system. It doesn't know how to react to that. So your body is adjusting and learning, How do I navigate something different? So again, You're not making a wrong decision because your body feels that way. You're making a different decision and your body doesn't like uncertainty. And so it's going to speak to you in those moments. And that's, Again, One of those messy middle parts, Because we can very much feel that way and think like, If I know I made the right decision, Why do I feel so awful? And that's a question I asked myself multiple times in that that position. And it was really just being able to expand my capacity to sit with myself until I got to that point where it you become someone different in the process of it. So. Big thing with self-loyalty is that you have been programmed to reactively respond in the ability to prioritize someone else's needs, Wants, And desires. So you know when you get that text, You're quick, You know, Responding that, How do I smooth this over? You're quick, You know, Saying yes without ever checking in with yourself. So, The first pillar that I share is that there needs to be this pause. So, Before you ever commit to something, Before you ever respond to somebody, Before you ever try to smooth it over or make it better outside yourself, There is a pause. So taking a deep breath, Putting your hand on your heart and pausing. So you can all do that right now. And you can see it doesn't take a long period of time, But it's just that quick pause. Allow yourself to have some space. And then ask yourself, What is it that I need? And so just by asking yourself that question, You are sending your brain on a search for what you actually need without looking outside yourself of what someone else needs. So that's the first part is check in with yourself before you check out. So you are taking a pause, You notice that reactivity, You notice in your body that it's asking you to abandon yourself, You pause, Take a deep breath, Hand on heart. Allow yourself to tune into yourself. And then you ask yourself, What is it that I need? And then be straight, Honest with yourself. So sit with that question for a moment. Do I need to just step away? Do I need to just put my phone down for a minute? Do I need to just be with myself and just focus on my breath for a minute? Allow yourself to engage in whatever it is that you do need. So that's moving on to the second part of like, First one is checking in with yourself, Pausing and acknowledging what your needs are. The second part is following through with that. So you not only check in and say, Oh yeah, I need to go for a walk. I need to step out. I need to put my phone down and not engage with this right now. You can recognize that, But if you don't follow through with it, You're just falling back into the same cycle. So the second part is actually allowing yourself to do that aspect of it. So if it is getting outside for a second, Do that because now you're training yourself to trust yourself. So not only are you listening to yourself, But you're following through with what your system is guiding you to do. So that increases that self trust within you. So rather than outsourcing your trust and other people you start to learn like I check in with myself and I follow through with my own needs wants and desires. That's the second part of it. The third part is listening to your body. So what is my body telling me? So based on this situation, Say you got a text message that's riddled with guilt that wants you to become a, You know, Wants you to do a specific thing. You tune into your system and you close your eyes and you do a scan. So noticing top down, What am I feeling in my body? Does it feel heavy, Constricting? Does it feel pressure? Is there pain or tension in areas of your body? Do you feel strain? Stomach feel sick. That's one aspect. Or does it feel light and airy and expansive and joyful, As if, You know, You can think of a time that was joyful for you. That's how it feels. So tuning into your body will be more of the honest answer of how do I move forward with this? Is this something that's asking me to abandon myself? Or is this something that's asking me to be loyal to myself? So it's only through that contrast of recognizing this is how my body responds when something is not in alignment with me. And this is how my body responds when it feels expansive, It feels opening, It feels safe. And that's how it is. Because our mind can quickly create a story around things. Our mind can override what our body is telling us. So if we never take a moment to pause and actually tune into our body, Which is really the truth of our experience, Then we're going to always be checking out before we ever check in with ourselves. So those are essentially the three pillars. And if you can just engage that today, In any moment, Any decision, You pause, You check in, Ask what you need, Through with what you need, And then you tune into your body. Is this something that's asking me to abandon myself, Or is this something that's asking me to be loyal to myself? And it will be very, Very clear as you get to know the signals from your body. And again, I hope this has helped you have a practice that helps you tune into yourself so that you check in before you check out, So that you can tune into your own system, Your own wants, Needs, And desires, And that you can start increasing self-loyalty for yourself from this step. So that way, Again, This is you just put in your workout for self-loyalty that those reps accumulate and you build that muscle that's so strong that it can't be overturned by anything. And that is the power of it. That is the practice of it. That is the embodiment of it. And that is something that is completely possible for you. And I hope you know that, That no matter how complex the situation is that you're navigating right now, That is possible. And that's what's on the other side of that messy middle ground. Moving through that messy, That middle ground with the most love, Compassion and softening and care for yourself that you can do in the process of it. I just want to thank you all for joining me today, And I hope that this has served you, And I hope that it helps you see yourself in a different perspective. I hope it helps you see situations that you're navigating in a different perspective, And realize that no matter how much pressure there is outside yourself, That you can still stay with yourself through it.