Hello,
Dr.
Janice Webb here,
Clinical psychologist.
Welcome to my video series on emotional neglect.
So today I'm going to talk about signs of emotional neglect,
How it affects your friendship.
In a moment I'm going to describe the six signs to look for that would suggest to you that emotional neglect is affecting your friendships.
And then I'll share some practical tips.
That you can do to fix it.
But first I want to talk about how emotional neglect actually plays out in your adult life in such a way that your relationships with your friends can be deeply affected.
So childhood emotional neglect happens when your parents do not notice or respond enough to your feelings as they raise you.
Childhood emotional neglect or CEN happens under the radar in many many otherwise loving families.
It also happens in obvious ways in many dysfunctional families.
But either way,
Since it's not an act,
But a failure to act,
It tends to happen under the radar,
Going unseen and unremembered.
The result?
We have legions of people walking through their lives,
Being good friends to others.
While feeling deeply mystified about why their friendship is not returned in kind.
I'm going to talk about how growing up with CEN affects your friendships now.
As a child.
Day after day,
You received a subtle message from your parents.
Your feelings don't matter.
Growing up with the most important people in your life,
Your family.
Ignoring or squelching the most deeply personal biological expression of who you are,
Your emotions.
You have no choice but to adapt.
As a child,
Your brain just automatically walls off your feelings to protect you.
And your parents from them.
And this childhood coping mechanism which was remarkably adaptive at the time when you were a child.
Now it sets up a cascade of future struggles for you.
So unfortunately,
That childhood wall is still there now.
But instead of protecting you,
It's actually isolating you.
It's blocking off the one main ingredient that is most vital to having rich,
Mutually rewarding friendships.
Your feelings.
Contrary to those emotional neglect messages that you receive from your parents Your feelings are not your enemies.
They are,
In fact,
Your best friends.
They will connect.
Enrich and deepen your friendships if only you allow it to happen.
To happen.
So there are six signs I'm going to share right now.
That indicate to you that emotional neglect might be affecting your friendships.
The first is.
Feeling like you have lots of acquaintances.
But not.
Enough close friends.
The second is always being there for your friends when they need you.
But then,
When you need them,
They too often let you down.
The third.
You notice that your friendships seem to gradually drift apart.
Maybe not all of them,
Of course,
But you kind of have a tendency towards that.
The next is that you often feel drained after spending time with your friends.
You feel like people take you for granted.
And the last one is.
And this is a big one.
Your friends share a lot more about their lives with you.
Than you do with them.
So all of these signs really stem from growing up with the message that other people matter more than you.
That your deepest,
Most personal,
Biological expression of who you are should be hidden It causes you to hide in your friendships.
So,
The three most impactful effects of CEN on your friendships.
So the first one is that along with undervaluing your feelings,
Comes with comes undervaluing yourself.
You're basically giving.
Too much and asking for too little.
And this makes your friendships excessively weighted in the favor of the other person.
And your lack of access to your own emotions makes you seem vaguely kind of unknowable to others.
Your friends can't connect with the deepest,
Most authentic part of you,
Your feelings.
You didn't get to learn some vital emotion skills in your childhood that your parents should have been teaching you.
But they couldn't teach you because they didn't have the skills themselves.
But now,
This makes it hard to accurately interpret and respond to your own feelings and your friend's feelings,
Behaviors,
And needs.
So just in case,
These three challenges may seem insurmountable to you.
I assure you they are not.
I have seen many,
Many CEN people change their friendships from sparse and anemic too rich.
Rewarding.
And if they can do it.
.
.
You can too.
So now I'm going to describe three ways.
To improve your friendship.
These are all things that you can work on.
You don't have to do them perfectly.
You only need to Put your mind to it and try to work on it and pay attention.
So the first thing I want to talk about is to force yourself to take up more space with your friends.
Start by considering each of your friendships and assessing each friendship for the amount of time that you talk when you're together.
Versus the amount of time they talk.
Are you sharing enough?
I've had so many CEN friends and clients tell me when I ask them this question.
That they actually,
Once they paid attention,
Realized that most of their friends were taking up most of the talking space.
Not their friend's fault.
When you have CEN,
You tend to hold yourself back and the other person naturally fills up the space.
So,
The thing to focus on here is to start talking more.
Until you're more at a 50-50 level with your friends.
The second thing I want to suggest is to try to use the words I feel.
I want.
And I think.
At least once per day each,
But if you can use each once per day,
All three,
Every day.
That would be even better.
Just set your goal to be whatever feels doable for you.
But using these words feel,
I want,
And I think forces you to assert yourself in a way that If you have CEN,
You probably do not do naturally.
The next.
Suggestion to work on is So this one seems to be the least direct solution I understand.
But it is actually the most effective one overall.
It involves beginning the first step of healing the effects of emotional neglect.
The emotional neglect that you grew up with.
And it's the simplest yet most powerful thing you can do for your friendships as well.
So it's healing and it's good for your friendships.
Basically it just means begin to pay attention to your own feelings.
So here's how to do it.
Step 1.
Choose a time of day when you reliably have a few minutes alone.
It might be every morning,
Right before breakfast or every evening,
Right after dinner,
Whatever works into your day that's pretty reliable.
Step 2.
At that designated time every day.
Get yourself alone.
Sit comfortably.
Close your eyes.
Turn your attention inward.
And ask yourself what you're feeling.
If you can,
Write down any feeling that you come up with.
The idea behind this exercise is to train your brain to start tuning in to the feelings that your body is experiencing.
The takeaway from this.
Is that these three ways and two steps are all so very important.
They will help you not only with your friendships,
But they'll also help you in so many other ways too.
When you treat your feelings like they matter,
You're actually treating yourself as if you matter.
You can begin to feel as if you matter.
Now here's a key point.
The way you feel about yourself and treat yourself shows it comes across to other people.
Other people will start to see and feel that you are a person who matters.
And they will naturally treat you differently.
You will begin to draw people closer.
You'll realize that you're talking about meaningful,
Substantial,
Or emotional topics that previously you would have avoided.
You'll find yourself getting what you want.
And need far more often.
Gradually,
You'll notice that you're feeling energized by your friendships and supported by them.
Rather than drained the way you used to feel.
So by doing the direct opposite of these emotionally neglectful messages from your childhood,
You may be surprised how very different you feel.
So if you found this video helpful,
Please let me know in the comments.
Thanks for watching and I'll see you again soon.
