Welcome to my video on emotional neglect.
So in this video,
I'm going to talk about five ways that emotional neglect can affect your emotional intelligence.
In a minute I'm going to tell you some very specific ways that you can actually work on your own emotional intelligence to increase it.
But the first thing I want to do is explain a little bit about what emotional intelligence actually is.
We call it EQ for emotion quotient and it's sort of a take on IQ which is intelligence quotient.
Interestingly enough,
And a lot of people get this confused,
Emotional intelligence and intellectual intelligence or IQ.
Are very unrelated because you can be very very book smart and really not have great emotional intelligence.
And you can also be very,
Very emotionally intelligent and have lower stress levels.
Lower intellectual quotient.
So EQ,
IQ not very related at all.
One really important thing I want to make sure to let you know about is that research has shown that EQ is actually more important than to many different areas of life satisfaction than is IQ.
So understanding emotions is more important to things like your relationships and the quality of them.
And your job performance.
And other areas of life that lead to higher life satisfaction.
So you can see that emotional intelligence is very,
Very important.
So emotional intelligence or EQ,
It can make a momentous difference in your life and we should all strive to have as much of it as we can.
Lot of people think well you're either born emotionally intelligent just like with intellectual intelligence.
Although that's even in question two somewhat at this point.
Or you're out of luck,
But that is not true at all.
You can absolutely build your emotional intelligence and you can increase it.
I've watched many people do it.
And help them with it,
In fact.
So the skills involved in emotional intelligence,
This is the nitty gritty of what it actually is.
The first skill is,
It's basically a series of skills,
And the first one is.
.
.
Knowing when you're having a feeling and what that feeling is This is something I talked about in a previous video.
It is the sort of bedrock of emotional intelligence is being able to know when you're having a feeling and what that feeling is.
So,
For example,
I can identify in my body I feel some heaviness.
It's sort of like a sad feeling.
I must be sad.
So that is,
I just walked you through the process of identifying a feeling.
Being able to put words to it.
I'm not saying that I'm actually sad,
So that was just an example.
So that is the first skill,
And it is the bedrock.
The second skill is being able to recognize when other people are having emotions.
So sing it in yourself.
And being able to identify it and then seeing it in others and being able to identify what others are feeling.
This is a very crucial skill as well.
Because relationships,
Interactions,
Human interactions of all kinds laden with emotions.
There are emotions everywhere.
If you could see them,
It would be like bright color all over the world.
All over your world everywhere you look you would see bright color,
And it would be people's emotions I think that would be actually pretty cool if we could do that Just trust me on this.
The world is full of emotion and people are constantly feeling.
So when you're interacting with a person being able to recognize what they're feeling is very very important And if you can see that they are angry,
For example,
Or they're starting to get a little miffed,
They're sort of in the early stages of starting to feel a little angry.
If you can see someone is starting to get a little You can.
Intervene and you can take steps to mitigate that.
Or if you see someone starting to feel a little drawing back a little bit and showing a little bit of anxiety,
You can step in and soothe them.
Just like with yourself,
Knowing your emotions is extremely helpful.
Also,
With another person,
Knowing their feelings is extremely helpful.
And this is.
True most more than anywhere else in any relationship is in your primary relationship your significant other or your marriage.
Being able to tell what your partner is feeling and also being able to either discern why or ask why.
Those are very key.
Skills to be able to have a happy long-term relationship or marriage.
So that's the second one.
The third skill is being able to manage your own feelings.
And other people's feelings.
So what does this mean?
It means somewhat what I was describing just a few seconds ago.
It means when you're having an emotion.
Let's let's just talk about you for a minute before we talk about other people.
When you're having an emotion,
Let's say you feel extreme And.
.
.
Once you realize that you're feeling extreme anger.
You have the opportunity to manage that.
Anger is an emotion that can be just released on people.
Without you even being there.
Involved.
It's an emotion that takes a lot of energy with it,
Brings a lot of energy with it,
And so if you have a sudden jolt of anger,
You can act on it before you even realize it.
But to manage it means,
Oh,
I'm aware.
I'm aware that I'm angry.
What am I going to do with this?
Is this a situation that I want to express myself right now?
Do I need to take a step to protect myself right now?
Is this something I should think on for a bit that I can come back to?
And deal with later.
Or is there something in between that I need to take a step?
But it's a step.
That is one removed from bringing up this issue with another person.
So.
Really being able to manage a feeling is just being able to deal with it.
And think through it.
And manage how it is expressed.
Not only to other people but in your own life.
And being able to manage other people's feelings,
Of course we can't really.
But we can manage their effect on us,
The effect of their feelings on us.
We can.
We can help them manage their feelings if they're open to it.
And being able,
Let's say you come across two coworkers.
In the corridor and they're having a heated argument,
You can then have the possibility of stepping in and soothing things or helping them work it out.
And when you do these kinds of helpful things with other people's emotions,
It bonds you to them.
It bonds them to you.
And this is what is the formation of real relationships.
You will feel much more bonded with someone after you notice what they feel and you help them with it.
Or you deal with it with them.
Than if you just pretend you don't see it and go on.
That doesn't make any kind of bond with anybody.
So the next.
Of emotional intelligence is the ability to talk about your emotions.
Expressing your own feelings.
To other people.
This is one of the more high-level emotional intelligence skills.
But being able to say to someone,
You hurt my feelings.
Or I'm feeling sad today.
This whole situation is making me feel inferior or Anxious fearful,
Whatever it is that you need to say.
It is an incredible effect when you put your feelings into words to another person.
It has an amazing ability to soothe you.
And calms that feeling.
So putting feelings into words.
Actually helps you manage them.
And it also allows you to potentially get your own needs met.
Because if you say to your partner,
When you did this,
It really hurt my feelings.
Or when you do that it makes me feel this rush of love for you.
If you can put both positive and negative feelings of your own into words.
It will bond you and other people.
Even negative emotion expression can be very bonding because it gives you the opportunity to work through something with another person.
And that whole process,
As I said before,
Is a very bonding one.
The next and last emotional intelligence skill.
Is the ability to work with your feelings.
Listen to their messages.
And act on them.
One of the main purposes the reasons that we humans are wired with emotion.
Is to be able to Listen to our bodies.
It's our bodies messaging system.
Sending a signal from your body to your brain.
And so if you're talking to a friend.
And you're sharing something really personal.
And you get this funny feeling like.
.
.
I'm not sure.
I can trust this person.
What's this look on her face?
Why does she look like she can't wait to tell someone about this?
I think I'm going to listen to this feeling.
I'm going to dial it back a little bit.
And it gives you the chance to reverse yourself a little bit or go into self-protection mode.
So that's just one of a million different ways that you can act on your emotions in a way that is very useful to you.
I'll give you one more.
Let's say.
.
.
You have a big argument with someone and you like kick the trash can.
And leave the room.
And then afterwards,
You keep feeling like they just have this little feeling in you that says,
Oh,
That was not the right thing to do.
That probably affected this other person.
Guilt and that guilt is telling you You need to fix this.
And then you can make a decision,
Should I go back and apologize to this person or is it best left alone?
The whole point of this is that you're using your brain to process your feelings and that is what emotional intelligence really is.
Those five skills.
So.
The way that emotional neglect interferes with emotional intelligence.
That if you're growing up in an emotionally neglectful home that really doesn't talk about feelings,
Notice feelings,
Address feelings,
Deal with meaningful issues.
Manage conflicts between its members,
And confront and process difficult feelings.
You are growing up.
Missing the entire training system for emotional intelligence.
This is going to leave you having to learn all of these skills as an adult.
So the great news is you absolutely can.
Here are some ways that you can learn all these skills now.
You can become a student of emotions.
You can vow,
I am going to learn everything I can about how emotions work.
I am going to.
.
.
Watch my own feelings and pay attention to them.
I'm going to work on increasing my emotional vocabulary so that I can express my emotions a lot better.
And with more nuance.
I'm going to really practice voicing my feelings and using feeling words with the people in my life,
Starting with the most trusted ones first.
And I'm going to work on talking about my own thoughts and feelings and needs and sharing them instead of holding them inside of me.
If you work on all of these things over time,
If you're persistent,
You will get better and better.
And a great benefit of this is that you will be living a more authentic life,
More authentic to your own feelings and your own self.
You'll be able to handle difficult situations better.
You'll be more assertive and you'll be getting your needs met better.
And you will have a higher level of life satisfaction overall.
So please let me know in the comments how you feel about your own emotional quotient.
Or emotional intelligence,
And whether it's been affected by emotional neglect,
I would love to know your thoughts on it.
And in my next video,
I'm going to talk about how to find your voice and connect with yourself.
When you grew up with emotional neglect because that is not easy.
Thanks for watching.
