The Humorous History Of Napoleon: A Sleepy Story

Fall asleep as we explore the funny (and rather boring) history of Napoleon. He rose from a minor Corsican noble family to become Emperor of the French, reorganized half of Europe, invaded Russia, got exiled, came back, got exiled again — and somewhere in between found time to write extremely needy love letters to his wife. How did an artillery officer who finished 42nd in his class end up running an entire continent? We'll discover this and much more tonight. So enjoy this bit of history, presented in a calming, funny fashion, and nod off with a few laughs along the way to dreamland. This should not be taken as an authoritative source of history. It's boring history, delivered in a satirical way that's soft and slow. Perfect to fall asleep with a smile on your face :)

Transcript

Hello my friend, Welcome to humorously dull history for sleep. My name is Stephen Dalton and it is my hope that that as I tell you lots of different facts about particular periods in history tonight, You find me so incredibly boring that you fall asleep very quickly. And maybe. . . Even with a smile upon your face, It is humorous history after all. Tonight I'll tell you. The humorously dull history. Of Napoleon. Yes, Napoleon. A Corsican artillery officer who rose from relative obscurity to become emperor of the French, Reorganized half of Europe, Invaded Russia, Got exiled, Came back, And somehow still found time to write extremely needy letters to his wife. So, Just before we get started. . . Allow yourself to. Settle into this moment. Leave the day that was behind. Feel the support. Of whatever you lie upon. If your eyes aren't closed yet. Allow them to close. Whatever has been. Has been. It's history now. Whatever will be. Will be. All you have is this moment. And my voice. So allow your curiosity to be a part of this pleasant experience as I tell you the humorously dull history of Napoleon. Part one. In which a Corsican boy develops opinions about everything. Napoleon Bonaparte was born in Corsica. In 1769. At a slightly awkward moment for anyone hoping to grow up with a simple relationship to France. Because France had effectively just taken control of the island. This would become something of a theme in Napoleon's life. He had a remarkable talent for entering situations. Just as somebody was changing the map. You see, Corsica had spent centuries under Genoese rule, Then developed an independence movement under Pasquale Paoli, And finally came under French control after Genoa transferred its rights to the islands. Napoleon's father, Carlo Bonaparte, Had supported the Corsican cause before deciding, Once the French had actually won, That continued resistance might be less useful than learning who now stumped the paperwork. This was not necessarily cowardice. Carlo had a wife. Children. Property. And an increasingly complicated family budget. It is much easier to remain permanently defiant. When nobody is asking where next month's school fees are coming from. Napoleon would later become Emperor of the French, Which makes his childhood resentment of France especially enjoyable. His relationship with the country. Began rather like somebody spending years complaining about a company, And eventually becoming chief executive. The Bonapartes were minor nobility. They had status. Learn. And respectable ancestry. But they were not floating around Corsica in silk robes, Wondering which vineyard to sell, Because the ballroom needed another ceiling. Money mattered. Carlo was a lawyer, Politically ambitious, And extremely interested in making sure his family received every advantage available. Under the new French administration. He worked to have the Bonaparte nobility officially recognised. Which measured. Because it helped his sons qualify for Royal Military Education. Before Napoleon conquered Europe, Therefore, His father. Successfully conquered. Eligibility criteria. Never underestimate paperwork. Napoleon's mother, Letizia. Was only 19 when he was born. And eventually had thirteen children. Ace of whom survived to adulthood. Napoleon was the second surviving son. This means the future emperor of the French. Begun life. In exactly the position most likely to prevent a person developing the idea that the universe revolves around him. In a house full of siblings. Unfortunately, It did not take. Letizia had a reputation for toughness, Thrift and discipline. Napoleon later admired her enormously. And she appears to have been one of the few people who retained the psychological advantage of having known him before anyone saluted. Years later, When Napoleon was an emperor. And several of his brothers and sisters had become kings. Queens. Or sovereign princes. Notizia. Was still their mother. That must have made family gatherings extraordinary. Joseph could be King of Spain. Louis could be King of Holland. Napoleon could control half of Europe. And there was still one woman in the room. Entitled to say. Sit down. You're being ridiculous. Napoleon spent his earliest years in Ajaccio. And grew up speaking Corsican and Italian varieties. French was something he had to learn later. At nine, He was sent away to mainland France with his older brother Joseph. Napoleon briefly attended school at Autun to improve his French before moving to the military academy at Brienne. He arrived there with three disadvantages. He was far from home. Yet a strong Corsican accent. And he appears to have been Napoleon. Other boys mocked his speech and background. Napoleon was proud, Touchy, And deeply attached to Corsica. So this did not encourage him to become more relaxed socially. Is response to being considered an outsider. Seems to have been to withdraw. Read a great deal, And develop even stronger opinions. This is one of those childhood coping strategies that can go in several directions. Some children become shy. Some become funny. Napoleon apparently thought. I shall become historically significant. He was particularly good at mathematics. This mattered. Because he was interested in artillery. And artillery. Required calculation. Angles, Distances. Trajectories and fortifications. We're not just classroom exercises. If you misunderstood them badly enough. The cannonball went somewhere socially inconvenient. Napoleon had therefore found a branch of the military ideally suited to a boy who liked numbers, And did not especially need everybody to like him. He was less impressive at languages. His French remained imperfect for years. And his accent never completely disappeared. He sometimes spelled words idiosyncratically. Again. It is a useful corrective to the legend. The future ruler of France. Was not the boy at school receiving comments such as Napoleon demonstrates exceptional mastery of written French. It was closer to. Mathematics? Excellent. History. French remains an ongoing situation. There is a famous story that Napoleon organized an elaborate snowball battle at Brienne. Supposedly dividing the boys into teams. Creating fortifications and directing operations with such skill that everybody should really have warned Austria. It is a marvellous story. It is also exactly the sort of story that appears once everybody knows how the child turns out. Nobody ever becomes famous and then acquires childhood anecdotes like one Thursday when he was 11 he spent most of the day looking for a glove now. Mozart is composing. Newton is observing gravity. Napoleon. Is apparently commanding snow artillery. Biography hates an unproductive childhood. What we can say with much greater confidence is that Napoleon read constantly. He was fascinated by history, Politics, Geography, And the great figures of antiquity. He admired writers such as Rousseau and remained emotionally committed to Corsica. He also began writing. This is another Napoleon trait that arrives early and never leaves. Napoleon was not one of those people who has a political opinion and quietly enjoys it internally. Once an idea entered his mind, It tended to become a document. He wrote essays, Historical pieces, And reflections on Corsica. He wanted to write a history of the island. He corresponded with people. He formed views about government, Society and politics. At an age when many teenagers are still discovering that one pair of trousers cannot be worn indefinitely. And because this is Napoleon. The opinions were rarely mild. He was not writing. There are several reasonable perspectives. Napoleon's personality was not built around several reasonable perspectives. At fifteen, He moved from Brienne to the École Militaire in Paris. One of the most prestigious military schools in France. This sounds glamorous. Until we remember. Thus Napoleon was still not wealthy. Richer pupils could live more comfortably and participate more easily in the social life expected of young gentlemen. Napoleon had to be careful with money. Sir. While some of his classmates were learning the finer points of being aristocrats. Napoleon was discovering one of the great motivators of ambitious people everywhere. Other people appear to have nicer things than me. Then, In 1785, His father died. Carlo was only 38. And his death made the family's financial situation more difficult. Napoleon was still a teenager. But there was no pressure on him to finish his training and begin earning. He completed the military course faster than was usual. And sets the examination for an artillery commission. And this brings us to one of the most reassuring facts. In the entire Napoleon story. He ranked 42nd. Out of 58 successful candidates. Forty second. One of history's most famous military commanders, Entered professional life with the academic equivalent of reasonably acceptable. Imagine finishing fourth. For the rest of your life. Napoleon is conquering Italy, Reorganizing governments. And becoming emperor. While you were sitting at dinner thinking. I was 38 places above him. Your wife has heard this. Your children have heard this. The neighbors have heard this. You are 82 years old and still bringing it up. I'm merely saying. If we are discussing the examination. Well, We are not at the end. At 16. Napoleon became a second lieutenant in the artillery. And was posted to Valence in southern France. He was now an officer. Not a particularly important one. Not a wealthy one. And certainly not one whom Europe had any reason to fear. He read. He trained. Worried about money. He sent money home when he could. He returned periodically to Corsica. He continued writing political material. And he maintained his admiration for Pasquale Paoli, The Corsican nationalist leader. This part of Napoleon's life is often rushed. Because everybody wants to get to the battles. But it matters. The young Napoleon did not think of France as his natural destiny. It was still deeply Corsican. Indeed, For years he imagined his future being connected to Corsican politics. If history had remained calm, He might have become a capable artillery officer with strong views, An unfinished manuscript, And a reputation among colleagues for being difficult at dinner. Unfortunately for European tranquility. History did not remain calm. In 1789. France entered revolution. The monarchy was challenged. The old social order began to collapse. Institutions that had seemed permanent suddenly were not. Officer is emigrated. Your career is opened. Army is expanded. Politics became dangerous. Confusing. And extraordinarily fast moving. And somewhere inside all of this. Was a 26-year-old artillery officer. Who was ambitious. Highly educated. Chronically opinionated. Very good with numbers. And completely untroubled by the idea that existing arrangements might need to be replaced. France had spent years teaching Napoleon how to use cannons. Now France was about to lose control of the building. Part 2, In which the Revolution creates an extremely useful young artillery officer. When the French Revolution begins in 1789. Napoleon is 20 years old. And still not remotely the man history remembers. He is not yet Emperor Napoleon. He is not even particularly famous, Captain Napoleon. He is simply Lieutenant Bonaparte, A young artillery officer with a strong Corsican identity, A lot of books, Not much money, And the sort of personality that makes national chaos look less like a disaster and more like an opening. The revolution changes everything around him. The monarchy weakens. Political clubs multiply. Officers resign or flee. Old hierarchies begin falling apart. Franz effectively takes the entire career ladder, Throws it down the stairs, And tells everybody to see where it lands. For a young officer without vast wealth or powerful Parisian family connections, This creates opportunity. Before the revolution. Napoleon's path upward would probably have been respectable but slow. After the revolution. People above him begin disappearing from the organization. Some emigre. Some are dismissed, Some are arrested. Some make the unfortunate discovery that revolutionary France has developed an extremely decisive approach to redundancy. Napoleon watches all of this while repeatedly returning to Corsica, Because at first his great political obsession is still the island. Until. . . His relationship with his childhood hero Pasquale Paoli. Begins to go badly wrong. Napoleon had admired Paulie for years. He had practically built part of his political identity around him. Then he actually had to deal with him. This is one of history's more reliable disappointments. Never meet your heroes, Particularly if both you and the hero believe you should be deciding the future of Corsica. Pauli had returned to the island after years in exile, And initially seemed to embody the Corsican cause, Napoleon love. But Pauli became increasingly hostile to the radical French Revolution, While Napoleon moved closer to the French Revolutionary Government. By 1793 they were on opposite sides. Napoleon, Who had spent years complaining about French rule, Now found himself effectively supporting France against the man he had admired for resisting France. This is a very Napoleon situation. He really changed his mind quietly. He changed it so thoroughly. That eventually artillery became involved. The political struggle became dangerous. Napoleon was pursued by powerless opponents. His family home in Ajaccio was looted and partly burned, And the Bonapartes were forced to flee Corsica for the French mainland in June 1793. Imagine Laetitia during this period. She has already raised a large family. Her husband is dead. Now her politically energetic son has become involved in a conflict with the most important man on the island, And the family home is being attacked. At some point she must have looked at Napoleon and thought You could have been an accountant. But they escape. And this marks a genuine turning point. Napoleon's Corsican political dream is effectively over. He now commits himself increasingly to France. The country he once regarded as the occupier of his homeland becomes the country through which he will make his career. And almost immediately. France gives him a problem ideally suited to his talents. Too long. In 1793. France is at war with several European powers, While also dealing with internal rebellion. The important Mediterranean naval base of Toulon revolts against the revolutionary government. And royalist opponents, And control of the port and much of the French Mediterranean fleet to British and Allied forces. This is a national emergency. It is also very specifically. An artillery problem. Napoleon arrives in the area. And is appointed commander of the artillery. For the Republican force besieging the city. Is 24 years old. Twenty four. At 24, Many people are still living at home. And quietly hoping nobody asks about the job search. Napoleon is being asked to drive the British out of Toulon. He studies the geography and develops a plan. The key, As Napoleon sees it, Is not simply to attack Toulon directly. If French guns can dominate important positions overlooking the harbour, The British fleet will become vulnerable and may be forced to leave. It is exactly the sort of problem his education has trained him for. Angles, Ranges, High ground, Cannons. At last. Geometry has found its audience. Napoleon pushes his plan hard. The first commander, General Cartot, Does not fully embrace it. And Napoleon becomes frustrated enough to appeal above him. Eventually, General Jacques-François Dugommier takes command, Backs the artillery strategy, And the French begin applying it effectively. Batteries are established that threaten the Allied fleet, And on the 18th of December 1793, The British and their allies evacuate Toulon. This is Napoleon's first great professional breakthrough. And what I enjoy about too long. Is that the personality is already completely recognizable. He is young. He has a plan. Older men are not implementing the plan quickly enough. Napoleon's response is not to think. Perhaps they know best. It is essentially, Um, No, You're wrong. You're all doing the harboring correctly. This attitude will carry him remarkably far. After too long. Napoleon is promoted to Brigadier General. Is 24. A few years earlier, He ranked 42nd in his examinations. Now he is a general. Somewhere. . . The man who finished fourth. Is beginning to feel less comfortable about mentioning it. The speed of promotion during the revolution could be astonishing, Because France desperately needed capable officers, And the old aristocratic system had been blown apart. Napoleon benefits enormously from this. He is talented, Certainly. Is also living through one of those rare historical moments. When a talented person can move upward. At a pace that would normally cause human resources to request a meeting. But revolutionary politics are dangerous. Napoleon had connections with Augustin Robespierre, The younger brother of Maximilian Robespierre. One of the leading figures of the Terror. When the Robespierre's fall from power in July 1794 Napoleon suddenly finds himself politically exposed. In Ocus. He is arrested. Think about the career swing. December 1793. Congratulations, General Bonaparte. August 1794 Come with us. This is less than a year. LinkedIn would be struggling. Napoleon is held for a short period while his political connections are investigated. But he is released after no serious case is established against him. Still, The episode teaches him something important. Revolutionary France is not merely a place where careers rise quickly. They can also disappear between breakfast and dinner. And Napoleon's career does wobble. In 1795 he is offered a position. With the Army of the West. Which is fighting royalist and counter-revolutionary forces inside France. He does not take it up. Ends up unemployed from active command for a time and attached instead to the War Ministry's topographical bureau. This is perhaps the closest Napoleon comes. To having a normal office job. Imagine him at a desk. Maps everywhere. No army. No battlefield. Someone asks whether he can finish a memorandum by Thursday. Napoleon has already commanded artillery at Toulon. He has been a general. Now he is effectively doing planning work. While wondering why nobody has given him something larger to organize. This is not an ideal condition for a Napoleon. Some people become bored and take up gardening. Napoleon becomes bored and starts considering other countries that might have armies. For a time. He explored the possibility of entering Ottoman service. There were discussions about sending him to Constantinople to help improve Ottoman artillery. Although nothing came of them. It is one of those wonderful little doors in history that almost opens. Napoleon Bonaparte, Future emperor of the French, Might instead have packed his things, Travelled east, And become the extremely intense foreign artillery expert at an Ottoman military office. You can imagine somebody in Constantinople showing him to a modest desk on Monday morning. This will be your workspace, Monsieur Bonaparte. Napoleon looks around. And how many men do I command? At present, None. I see. And lunch is from twelve until one. Within 18 months he has somehow reorganized the Balkans. Fortunately for France, Paris soon finds something for him to do. Unfortunately for several people in Paris, It involves cannon fire. In October 1795, A major Royalist uprising threatened the government of the National Convention. Thousands of armed royalists were advancing through Paris, And the revolutionary government needed somebody who could stop them. Paul Barra, One of the political leaders involved in defending the Convention, Turned to Napoleon Napoleon's career had been drifting. Now somebody had essentially knocked on the door and asked, Are you still good with artillery? This is rather like phoning a recently unemployed Gordon Ramsay and asking whether he might know anything about lunch. Napoleon was extremely good with artillery. He immediately understood that Canon would be decisive. But the government forces needed to get hold of them quickly. A young cavalry officer named Joachim Murat was sent to secure guns from the Sablons before the Royalists could reach them. Murat succeeded. And this is the first appearance in Napoleon's story of a man who will eventually become his brother-in-law, One of his most famous cavalry commanders, And, Because life around Napoleon escalates very quickly, King of Naples. This is not normal Nash-working. Most people meet somebody useful at work and six years later think, Oh yes, Didn't we do that conference together? Napoleon meets somebody useful and six years later says your family now. Have a kingdom. The guns are brought into position around the Tuileries and the approaches to the Convention. The Royalist uprising is defeated on the 5th of October 1795. Later writers would make the episode famous through the phrase, A whiff of grape shot, Although Napoleon himself did not coin that expression. The reality was bloodier and more complicated than the neat phrase suggests. So there is no need to turn the violence itself into comedy. The remarkable part for our story is what happens to Napoleon's career immediately afterwards. A short time earlier, He had been an unemployed young general working with maps and wondering whether the Ottoman Empire might be hiring. Now, He had helped save the government of France. Napoleon had finally found the professional environment in which he flourished best. A serious emergency. Was very little time for anyone to overrule him. Within days he was promoted to General of Division. Soon afterward, He became commander of the Army of the Interior. He was 26 years old. At 26. Plenty of people are still being introduced by their parents. With the sentence. He's figuring things out at the moment. Napoleon was now responsible for military security in Paris. Imagine one of his old classmates opening a newspaper over breakfast. Do you remember Bonaparte? The Corsican. Yes. The angry one. Yes. What happened to him? He appears to be in charge of Paris. Pause. Wasn't his French terrible? Apparently this was no longer the central issue. Napoleon's circumstances changed dramatically. He had money. He had ranked. He had access to political leaders and fashionable society. He moved in a world very different from the austere military schools and cheap lodgings of his youth. And Napoleon. Who could calculate artillery trajectories and organize military positions with extraordinary confidence, Now encountered something for which no military academy had prepared him. A sophisticated woman. Who did not immediately organize her entire life around him. Her name. Was Josephine. Debu Harnay. She was 32. Six years older than Napoleon. A widow, And the mother of two children. Her husband, Alexandre de Beauharnais, Had been guillotined during the Terror. Josephine herself had been imprisoned and narrowly escaped the same fate. She emerged into post-terror Paris with excellent social connections, Charm and experience. Napoleon emerged into it with military fame, Ambition, And the emotional subtlety of a cannon emplacement. They met in 1795. Exactly how the relationship began, As accumulated stories, As famous romances tend to do. But Napoleon became deeply attached to her very quickly. And when I say deeply attached, I do not mean that Napoleon occasionally thought fondly of Josephine while going about his business. Napoleon approached romance in much the same way he approached military campaigns. Maximum commitment. Immediate correspondence. No unnecessary restraint. The surviving letters to Josephine are extraordinary. He longs for her. He misses her. He becomes jealous. He complains when she does not write often enough. He wants letters constantly. A delayed reply becomes an emotional event. This is Napoleon Bonaparte. A man who can stand in front of cannon fire. Becoming psychologically unsettled. Because Josephine has left him on 18th century red. And 18th century red was much worse. Today you can at least stare at two blue ticks and ruin your own evening efficiently. Napoleon had to wait for a man on horse to cross fronts. He could spend several days thinking. She has not replied. And somewhere. Quite possibly. Josephine simply had not received the first letter. The postal service becomes the third person in the marriage. Before there is even a marriage. Napoleon also seems to have been far more emotionally invested at first than Josephine was. Which is wonderful, Because he had finally encountered a campaign in which the opposing side did not appear to realise there was a campaign. Napoleon is writing passionate letters. Josephine is living in Paris. Napoleon is emotionally advancing at speed. Josephine appears to be proceeding at roughly normal human pace. They married on the 9th of March 1796. Napoleon was twenty-six. Josephine was 32. Although their marriage certificate helpfully adjusted both ages, Making Napoleon older and Josephine younger. Even one of history's most consequential marriages. Began with everybody quietly improving the numbers. Two days after the wedding. Napoleon left Paris. He had been appointed commander of the army of Italy. There was no honeymoon in the modern sense. Napoleon marries Josephine on Wednesday. And essentially says, This has been wonderful. I have to invade Northern Italy. And this is where the young general's life changes again. Until now. Napoleon has been promising. Has been useful. He has been ambitious. He has shown flashes of brilliance. But he is still only one of many French generals. Produced by the revolution. That is about to end. Because the Italian campaign will turn Napoleon Bonaparte into something France has not really had before. A military celebrity. And Napoleon. Is going to discover very quickly that winning battles is useful. But telling everybody how brilliantly you won them is also worth doing. Artery. In which Napoleon becomes famous. And falls in love. Very loudly. As I said, Napoleon married Josephine on the 9th of March 1796. And even the wedding contained a small warning about what married life with him might be like. He was about two hours late. Not because he had second thoughts Napoleon rarely suffered from a shortage of thoughts. But hesitation was not usually one of them. It's simply been working. Josephine waited while her future husband apparently treated his own wedding as something he could fit in once the paperwork was finished. And then, As mentioned, He was off to Italy. Most newlyweds might spend a week somewhere pleasant. Napoleon kissed his wife goodbye and went to fight Austria. And almost immediately he began writing to her as though separation had been invented specifically to torment him. His letters to Josephine are wonderfully excessive. Napoleon could spend the day organizing thousands of soldiers. And then sit down at night, Emotionally devastated because his wife had not written enough. In one letter from March 1796, He complains that he cannot stop thinking about her, And then, Almost without changing tone, Adds a postscript explaining that he has distributed meat, Bread, And fodder to the army. This is Napoleon in miniature. My heart is consumed by you. Also the cavalry now has forage. Meanwhile the army he has inherited is in poor condition. These soldiers are badly supplied, Badly paid, And operating in difficult circumstances in northern Italy. Napoleon is only twenty-six, And several of the generals serving under him are older and more experienced. You can imagine the first meeting. A veteran general looks across the table and sees this thin young Corsican who has arrived from Paris. Napoleon begins explaining how they are going to defeat the Austrians. The older officers presumably experienced the military version of being given a new manager who looks twelve. Then Napoleon starts winning. Very quickly. In April 1796. His forces defeat the Piedmontese and Austrian armies. In a rapid series of engagements. Piedmont is forced out of the war. Napoleon moves into Lombardy. And enters Milan in May. The campaign is complicated. But Napoleon's great strength is speed. He repeatedly moves forces quickly enough to concentrate against separated opponents before they can properly combine. In less technical terms. Napoleon becomes extremely good at arriving somewhere. Before the other side has finished discussing whether he might arrive there. And he understands something else. Almost immediately. Winning is useful. Making sure everybody hears about the winning. Is also useful. During the Italian campaign. Napoleon encourages newspapers connected to his army. And uses proclamations and reports to shape how events are presented back in France. The Napoleon Foundation notes that he was already using the press in 1796 to promote the army's exploits and his own reputation. Napoleon is 26. And has already discovered personal branding. He does not have Instagram. This inconveniences him only slightly. If Napoleon had possessed social media. There would have been absolutely no mystery about where he was. An Instagram post might read. Another difficult day in Lombardy. Photograph of Napoleon looking away from camera. Hashtag proud of the team. 30, 000 likes. Austria has disabled comets. One of the famous moments of the campaign comes at Lodi in May 1796, Where French troops force a crossing over the river Adda under heavy fire. Later Napoleon treated Lodi as psychologically important to him. It helped convince him that he might be capable of much greater things. This is dangerous information to give Napoleon. Before a low die, Is already ambitious. After Lodi. He begins looking at Europe with the expression of a man who has just discovered that perhaps nobody is actually supervising the building. His reputation grows rapidly. Then comes Arcola in November 1796. And here Napoleon begins learning something that will serve him almost as well as artillery. If reality is slightly untidy, A good painting can help. During the battle. French troops were struggling to cross a bridge under Austrian fire. Napoleon seized to stundered. And tried to lead his men forward himself. This really happened. What also happened is that the attack did not sweep heroically across the bridge. His soldiers hesitated. The attempt failed. And during the confused fighting, Napoleon ended up in the marsh. And had to be helped out. This is already much funnier than the painting. The official Napoleon becomes the fearless young general, Flag in hand. Air blowing dramatically. Apparently carrying France toward destiny. The less useful version for publicity would show the future emperor somewhere below bridge level, Covered in mud, Wondering why nobody followed him. Fortunately. 1796 does not have camera phones. There is no Austrian soldier nearby, Thinking. Oh, This is going straight online instead. The Painter. Antoine Jean Gros creates the famous image of the heroic young Bonaparte at Arcola. And the messy reality becomes part of the Napoleon legend. The Napoleon Foundation itself notes that the bridge was not actually crossed during the celebrated episode. The painting. Improves matters considerably. Napoleon understands this instinctively. He does brave things. He wins battles. But he also understands that once something has happened There is a second battle over what everybody thinks happened. Modern politicians hire communications teams. Napoleon has painters. The principle is identical. Except the portrait takes six weeks, And nobody can accidentally upload the wrong version. Meanwhile Josephine eventually joins him in Italy, Largely because Napoleon has been writing to her with the emotional restraint of a man whose house is on fire. And she brings with her. A young cavalry officer. Named. Épaulette Charles This is unfortunate. Hippolyte is handsome. Amusing. And considerably less intense than Napoleon. Josephine has an affair with him. While Napoleon is conquering Northern Italy. And sending home letters explaining that he cannot live without Josephine. Josephine is travelling around Italy with a man who is presumably thinking This is going to become awkward if he wins too quickly. Napoleon at first does not fully understand what is happening. Which gives us the extraordinary image of one of Europe's greatest military minds. Successfully tracking Austrian armies. Across hundreds of miles. While having much less reliable intelligence. About his own wife. The Austrians move a group of troops. Napoleon knows by Tuesday. Josephine has a lover travelling with her. Information remains incomplete. But there is a lesson there about intelligence networks. By 1797. Napoleon has beaten the Austrians repeatedly. And forced them toward peace. The Treaty of Campo Formio gives France major gains, And Napoleon returns home at 28. As one of the most famous men in Europe. This presents the French government with a delicate problem. Napoleon is successful. The public loves him. The army respects him. And Napoleon himself has now begun to suspect. That he may be exceptionally Napoleon. Keeping him quietly in Paris does not seem ideal. In 1798. The sails for Egypt. Partly hoping to damage British interests. And threatened the route toward India. Britain itself is proving inconveniently difficult to invade because of the Royal Navy and the irritating geographical fact that it is surrounded by water. And because Napoleon rarely does anything on a modest scale. He takes not only soldiers, But scientists. Engineers. Artists. And scholars. It is an invasion accompanied by people carrying notebooks. The expedition produces important scientific work, And in 1799 French soldiers discover the Rosetta Stone. Which will eventually help scholars decipher Egyptian hieroglyphs. Napoleon has gone to weaken Britain and accidentally improves Egyptology. Even his side effects are historical. Militarily he wins the battle of the pyramids and occupies Cairo. Then, British Admiral Horatio Nelson. Destroys much of the French fleet. At the Battle of the Nile. This is unfortunate, Because Napoleon has brought an army to Egypt. And Nelson has now made the section of the plan entitled Return Journey considerably less straightforward. The campaign drags on. Then Napoleon hears that France itself is in political trouble. And by this stage, He has developed a very strong belief that whenever France has a problem, The answer is probably Napoleon arriving in the room. So, In 1799 he leaves his army in Egypt and sails back to France. Thousands of soldiers remain behind. Ordinarily, Leaving your army overseas. Might damage a general's popularity. Napoleon arrives home to cheering crowds. His legend has become stronger than the inconvenient details. France is now governed by an unstable and unpopular regime called the Directory. And Napoleon returns at 29 years old, Famous, Politically connected, And increasingly convinced that everyone running the country is doing it badly. Which is dangerous. Because Napoleon has never been particularly good at seeing something badly organised, And simply saying, Well, Not my problem. Part four. In which France accidentally ends up. With an emperor. Napoleon returns from Egypt in October 1799. And finds France in exactly the condition he likes best. Badly organized. The government. As I mentioned earlier. Is unpopular. Financially strained. And politically unstable. Several senior politicians. Are already discussing replacing it with something stronger. One of them. Emmanuel, Joseph. See Yes. Once military support for a coup. What CS needs. Is a respected general. Who can provide authority. While sensible political men redesigned the Constitution. What he gets is a Napoleon. This is an important distinction. It is rather like deciding you need someone strong to hold the ladder, And accidentally hiring the man who plans to own the building by lunchtime. On the 9th of November 1799. The coup begins. The legislature is moved outside Paris. Ostensibly for safety. Napoleon is given military command around the proceedings. The directory collapses. And then things become wonderfully untidy. Napoleon appears before the council of the 500. One of the legislative chambers expecting, Presumably, To project calm authority. Instead. Deputies surround him. Shout at him. And accuse him of trying to become a dictator. This is not the reception he had in mind. Napoleon, Who has faced the Austrian artillery, With considerable composure. Becomes visibly ruttled inside a room full of politicians. There is something reassuring about this. Canon. Manageable. Angry committee. Nightmare. His brother Lucien Bonaparte, Who happened to be president of the council, Helps rescue the situation politically. Soldiers eventually clear the chamber and by the end of the coup the old government is finished. The new system is called the consulate. There are technically three consoles. This sounds reassuringly shared. Napoleon is first consul. And very quickly everyone discovers that First is doing quite a lot of work in that title CS had hoped to help design a new political system. Napoleon essentially thanks him for his contribution and takes over the project. You can imagine C. S. Looking at the new constitution and thinking, This contains rather more Napoleon than I remember discussing. Napoleon is now thirty years old. 30. He has gone from obscure artillery officer to effective ruler of France in roughly the amount of time it takes some people to decide whether they actually like their degree. And once he is in charge, We encounter another side of Napoleon that is easy to lose beneath the battles. He is an astonishing administrator. He works constantly. He reads reports. He dictates letters. He wants figures. He wants details. He asks questions about roads, Schools, Taxes, Military supplies, Appointments and local government. Napoleon does not merely want to rule France. He wants to know why that particular bridge has not been finished yet. Imagine being a provincial official. And receiving a letter from the head of state. Asking why seventeen horses have not arrived somewhere. You look at the envelope. Paris. You look at the missing horses. This has escalated. Napoleon helps establish the Bank of France in 1800. His government creates the lycée system of state secondary schools. Administration becomes more centralized. Tax collection improves. He also makes peace with the Catholic Church through the Concordat of 1801. Repairing some of the enormous damage between revolutionary France and Rome. And then comes one of his most important legacies, The Civil Code of 1804, Usually known as the Napoleonic Code. It standardizes major areas of civil law across France. And later influences legal systems far beyond it. Sir. Napoleon is not merely riding around Europe, Shouting at cavalry. Sometimes he is standardizing inheritance law. The hat remains the same. The paperwork changes. His government also becomes increasingly authoritarian. Political opposition is restricted. Newspapers are reduced in number. And Napoleon keeps close control over public life. This is another recurring Napoleon contradiction. He preserves several achievements of the revolution. While gradually concentrating enormous power in himself. France had spent ten years overthrowing inherited monarchy. Napoleon looks at the results and thinks. Excellent. I'll take it from here. In 1802, He becomes first consul for life. For life. Is already a fairly noticeable change from Republican government. It is the constitutional equivalent of somebody being given a temporary parking space and returning the next morning with foundations. Then. In 1804. Napoleon takes the final step. He becomes Emperor of the French. There is almost something magnificent about the speed of this ideological journey. 1789 down with monarchy. 1792. Abolish monarchy. 1793. Execute the King! 1804. Anyway, Here's an emperor. France has completed an extremely complicated circle. And somehow acquired a Corsican at the end of it. The coronation takes place at Notre-Dame Cathedral in Paris on 2nd of December 1804. Pope Pius VII comes all the way from Rome for the ceremony Napoleon makes sure the symbolism is clear. His authority does not simply come from the Pope. During the coronation, Napoleon takes the crown and places it on his own head. Before also crowning Josephine. This is possibly the most Napoleon gesture imaginable. The Pope has travelled hundreds of miles. Napoleon effectively says, Thanks for coming, But I've got it. And then there are the clothes imperial robes. Gold embroidery. Laurel imagery. Amin. Ceremonial sword. Crown. The former schoolboy mocked for his Corsican accent. Has now dressed himself as though the Roman Empire and a very expensive curtain shop have merged. The painter, Jacques-Louis David, Records the event in an enormous painting. Napoleon, Naturally, Supervises how the scene is represented. Because even after becoming emperor He still does not trust history to organize itself without him. And this is where we should leave him for the moment. In 1769. He had been born on an island. France had only just taken over. By 1804. France belongs politically. To him. He has become general. Ruler. Lawgiver. And Emperor. Before the age of thirty-six. The only obvious problem is that Napoleon is not particularly interested in being emperor of only France. Europe is about to become extremely busy. Part 5 in which Napoleon begins rearranging Europe like furniture. By 1805 Napoleon is emperor of the French, King of Italy, Master of an enormous army. And increasingly surrounded by people whose main professional skill is agreeing with Napoleon. This is rarely a calming environment for a man already inclined toward confidence. He now has an imperial court. Elaborate uniforms. Ceremonies, Titles, And a growing family collection of crowns. The revolution had begun by attacking hereditary privilege. Napoleon's solution was apparently to create an entirely new hereditary privilege, But with people he already knew. His brother has become particularly useful. Joseph is eventually made king of Naples and then king of Spain Louis becomes King of Holland. Jerome becomes king of Westphalia. His brother-in-law Joachim Murat becomes king of Naples. If you were related to Napoleon around 1808. And still did not have a kingdom. Family gatherings must have become uncomfortable So, What are you doing now? I'm still in property. Lovely. Did you know Jerome has Germany? Napoleon treated Europe increasingly like a family business, Whose regional officers needed managers. The difficulty was that the regional offices already contained people. And some of those people had opinions. Before that becomes a serious problem, However, Napoleon reaches perhaps the highest point of his military reputation. In 1805. Britain, Austria and Russia form another coalition against France. Napoleon had been preparing an army for a possible invasion of Britain. But the Royal Navy remains a major obstacle. Then in October, Admiral Nelson defeats the combined French and Spanish fleets at Trafalgar. But this effectively ends Napoleon's realistic hope of invading Britain. Britain has once again used the sea to be irritating. Napoleon responds by turning east and attacking the problem that is actually reachable by road. In December comes the Battle of Austerlitz. Fought in what is now the Czech Republic. Napoleon faces the armies of Austria and Russia and wins one of the most famous victories of his career. The bottle later becomes known. As the Battle of the Three Emperors. Because Napoleon, The Austrian Emperor Francis, And the Russian Emperor Alexander. We're all involved. That is an unusually senior meeting. Most international conferences end with a photograph. This one ends with Austria asking for peace. Austerlitz becomes central to the Napoleon legend, Because his plan works brilliantly. He deliberately appears weaker in part of his position. Encourages the allies to attack where he wants them to attack and then strikes at the center. It is essentially the military version of leaving something attractive unattended and waiting behind the curtains. After our stirlets. Napoleon's influence over Central Europe expands dramatically. The Holy Roman Empire, Which had existed in various forms for roughly a thousand years. Finally comes to an end in 1806, When Emperor Francis II gives up the title. That is an extraordinary. . . Historical consequence. An institution survives medieval kings. Religious wars. Dynastic crises. And centuries of political confusion. Then Napoleon arrives. A year later somebody is removing the sign. Napoleon creates the Confederation of the Rhine. Gathering many German states into a new political arrangement under French influence. And this. Is where his career begins resembling. An increasingly ambitious home renovation. Germany is being reorganized. Italy is being reorganized. The Netherlands gets his brother. Naples gets his brother-in-law. Spain will shortly receive another brother. Napoleon looks at Europe. And apparently sees storage potential. But Britain remains outside his control. So Napoleon tries another strategy. If he cannot invade Britain successfully, He will try to strangle British trade. This becomes known as the continental system. Napoleon attempts to prevent European countries under his control or influence from trading with Britain. In theory, Britain will suffer economically. In practice, Europe contains merchants. Merchants have spent thousands of years discovering that rules about profitable trade often contain hidden doors. Smuggling flourishes. Goods continue moving. Officials look away. And Napoleon discovers that controlling a coastline stretching across much of Europe is more difficult than writing no British products. Somebody in Portugal still wants British cloth. Somebody in Germany wants colonial goods. Somebody in France has discovered that British products are unavailable and therefore suddenly wants them very badly. This is one of the oldest laws of commerce. Tell a population that something is forbidden and by Thursday somebody has a warehouse full of it. Napoleon's family experiment also begins producing difficulties. His brother Louis, Whom he makes King of Holland in 1806. Commits the extraordinary offence of occasionally putting Dutch interests ahead of Napoleon's. Napoleon is appalled. He has given Louis an entire country. And Louis has somehow misunderstood the arrangement. Louis seems to think that being king of Holland That means he should care about Holland. Napoleon thinks it means France now has a brother in Holland. This disagreement does not end well. Then comes Spain. In 1808, Napoleon intervenes in Spanish politics, Forces the Bourbon royal family aside, And places his brother Joseph on the Spanish throne. Napoleon appears to believe that the main problem with Spain is that it has not yet met Joseph. The Spanish population responds in a way best described as no. Rebellion breaks out. British forces intervene. A long and brutal war follows. The Peninsular War becomes a huge drain on French resources, And one of Napoleon's most persistent problems. Is family placement system. Has finally encountered a floor. You cannot simply introduce a new king by saying, This is my brother Joseph. You'll like him. Meanwhile. . . Napoleon's own marriage is failing for a completely different reason. He and Josephine have no child together. For an emperor who is trying to establish a dynasty. This becomes politically serious. Napoleon still appears deeply attached to Josephine. Bus by 1809. He decides that he needs an heir. So, They divorce. There is something almost absurdly bureaucratic about the sadness of it. They have loved, Fought, Cheated, Reconciled, Become emperor and empress together. And now the imperial project requires a baby. The marriage is therefore terminated in front of officials, Because Europe apparently needs to know who gets Napoleon's furniture after he dies. In 1810, Napoleon marries Marie-Louise daughter of Emperor Francis I of Austria. This is quite a turnaround. A few years earlier, Napoleon had defeated her father's empire. Now he marries his daughter. Diplomacy can be remarkably efficient when everybody is tired. Marie Louise is 18. Napoleon is 40. And in 1811 she gives birth to a son, Napoleon Francois Joseph Charles, Immediately given the grand title King of Rome. The baby is approximately several minutes old and already outranks most adults. Imagine the first family visit. He's adorable. Thank you. What's his name? Napoleon. And his job. King of Rome. Of course. By 1811, Napoleon stands close to the height of his power. Much of continental Europe is either ruled by him, Allied with him, Or deeply influenced by him. Is an heir. He has an empire. He has relatives scattered across thrones. He has defeated Austria and Prussia repeatedly. And Britain still refuses to cooperate. Then another major problem emerges. Russia. Tsar Alexander I. Becomes increasingly unwilling to follow the continental system strictly. Russian economic interests are suffering. Tensions grow. And the relationship between the two rulers deteriorates. Napoleon now faces a choice. It could accept limits. You could negotiate indefinitely. We could decide that perhaps one enormous empire is sufficient. Unfortunately, All three options require a personality different from Napoleon's. By 1812. E has settled on another solution. He will invade Russia. This involves taking one of the largest armies Europe has ever seen. And marching it into one of the largest countries on earth. At this stage. Several hundred thousand people. Are about to discover something Napoleon's maps. Cannot fully communicate. Russia is extremely large. Part 6 in which Napoleon discovers that Russia goes on. For quite a while. In June 1812. Napoleon crosses the river Neman. And invade Russia with the Grande Armée. An enormous multinational force numbering well over half a million men. At the beginning of the campaign. This is Napoleon at peak confidence. He controls much of Europe. He has defeated Austria. He has defeated pressure. He has defeated Russia before. He has put relatives on thrones. He is married an Austrian princess. He has a baby who is already king of room. At this point. The only person still capable of telling Napoleon that perhaps an idea is too ambitious is probably his mother. And she is not in the meeting. The plan is to force Tsar Alexander I. Into a decisive battle. Win quickly. And compel Russia to return to Napoleon's economic system against Britain. There is one difficulty. The Russians keep moving backwards. Napoleon advances. The Russians retreat. Napoleon advances again. The Russians retreat again. At some stage. Even Napoleon must have looked at the map and thought How much more Russia have they got? The answer, Unfortunately. Is Russia. The Russian armies avoid the neat, Decisive encounter Napoleon wants, While supplies become an increasing problem. Feeding an army of this size is difficult anywhere. Feeding it hundreds of miles inside a country. Our roads are poor and local supplies have been removed. Or destroyed. Is rather worse. Napoleon has essentially organized the largest group holiday in Europe. And forgotten to check whether the hotel has enough breakfast. His army gets smaller as it moves deeper inland. Men fall ill. Soldiers fall behind. Units become separated. Horses and supplies are lost. And still Napoleon pushes forward. Eventually in September. The Russians make a major stand at Borodino, Near Moscow. The battle is enormous and exceptionally bloody. For there is nothing amusing about the fighting itself. What matters for our story? Is that Napoleon wins the field. But he does not destroy the Russian army. The Russians withdraw again. Napoleon reaches Moscow. At last. This should be the moment. He has marched hundreds of miles. He has fought his way across Russia. He enters one of its greatest cities. And must go. Is largely empty. The government is gone. Much of the population has gone. There is nobody waiting to hand Napoleon a peace agreement. It is like spending three months traveling to an extremely difficult business meeting. And discovering the other company has left the building. Then Moscow begins to burn. Fires consume large areas of the city over several days. Responsibility remains historically debated and complicated. But the result for Napoleon is simple. The place where he hoped to rest and negotiate has become a terrible base for winter. Napoleon stays in Moscow for more than a month, Waiting for Tsar Alexander to negotiate Alexander does not. This must have been psychologically unbearable for Napoleon. Is very good at defeating people who turn up. Alexander has discovered the alternative strategy of not giving Napoleon what he wants. Napoleon sends messages. Nothing useful happens. He waits. Nothing. For perhaps the first time in his career. Napoleon has conquered the room. And the other person has simply declined to attend the meeting. By October. He has to retreat. And then the weather begins making its contribution. It is important not to reduce the disaster to the cliché that the Russian winter defeated Napoleon. The campaign was already going badly because of distance, Disease, Hunger, Exhausted supply lines. Russian resistance and the sheer scale of the operation. But winter certainly does not improve matters. The temperature falls. Roads become difficult. The army is harassed by Russian forces during the retreat. Napoleon's magnificent invasion force. Begins disintegrating. Or the confidence of June. Now has to walk west This is perhaps the greatest danger of becoming enormously successful. Eventually, You begin treating previous success as evidence that future geography will cooperate Napoleon reaches Russia. With one of the largest armies Europe has ever assembled. And discovers that there are some problems. Which cannot be solved by sending an energetic Frenchman forward with a map. By December. Napoleon leaves the remnants of the army. And races back toward Paris after hearing of political trouble at home. Again. Napoleon has a remarkable habit of leaving extremely difficult situations and arriving somewhere else at high speed The Russian campaign has shattered the image of Napoleon as unbeatable. His enemies notice immediately. Russia, Austria, Britain and other powers form another coalition against him. In 1813. Napoleon fights on in Germany. But at the enormous Battle of Leipzig. Also called the Battle of the Nations. His forces are defeated. And now the empire begins coming apart. With alarming speed. The King's Napoleon installed. Become less secure. Allies reconsider their life choices. Countries he reorganised begin reorganising themselves back. This is the political problem with arranging Europe around one man. When the one man starts losing. Everybody suddenly remembers where they used to keep the furniture. In early 1814, Allied armies invade France. Napoleon still fights brilliantly in several engagements, But there are too many enemies and too few resources. Paris Falls. His marshals increasingly tell him the game is over. And in April. Napoleon abdicates. The Emperor of the French. King of Italy. Master of much of Europe. The man who has spent nearly 20 years rising. Is sent into exile. To the island developer. Just off the Italian coast. Is allowed to retain the title of Emperor. He is even given sovereignty over the island. This is possibly the worst possible arrangement, If your intention is to teach Napoleon humility. You remove his empire. And give him a smaller empire. Napoleon arrives on Elba. And immediately starts governing it. Of course he does. He reorganizes administration. He inspects roads. Takes an interest in agriculture and mines. He designs improvements. Napoleon has gone from managing Europe to managing an island about the size of a modest county, And he still behaves as though someone will be asking for quarterly results. Most people sent into exile might sit by the sea and reflect on their choices. Napoleon begins checking infrastructure. And after less than a year he gets bored France has restored the Bourbon monarchy under Louis XVIII. Napoleon watches events from Elba. He hears that his former soldiers remain loyal. He sees political dissatisfaction. And eventually he reaches a conclusion that nobody in Europe particularly wants him to reach. Perhaps exile has been a misunderstanding. In February 1815. Napoleon escapes, Elba. And sails back to France. And somehow. . . Astonishingly. We are about to do the whole thing again. Part seven. In which exile fails the first time. As I said, Napoleon escapes Elba in 1815 and lands in France with a small force. King Louis XVIII sends troops to arrest him. Napoleon meets them on the road. Walks forward. And essentially invites them to shoot him, If they truly intend to stop their former employer. They do not. Instead? They join him. This keeps happening. Napoleon begins with a few hundred men and advances toward Paris, Collecting an army as though France has accidentally switched his account back on. Louis XVIII leaves the capital. Napoleon enters Paris. He has been in exile for less than a year. Europe must have looked at the news and thought. Oh for God's sake, He's back This period becomes known as the Hundred Days. Napoleon knows the other European powers will not simply accept his return. So he moves quickly against British and Prussian forces in Belgium. And on the 18th of June 1815 comes Waterloo. Napoleon faces an allied army commanded by the Duke of Wellington, While Prussian forces under Gebhard von Blücher are also approaching. Napoleon loses. And this time there will be no smaller island. With a little imperial administration to keep him occupied. He abdicates again. The British eventually sent him to St Helena. A remote island in the South Atlantic. More than a thousand miles. From the nearest major landmass. Europe has learned from Elba. If Napoleon is going into exile again, They are putting considerably more water around him. He spends his final years there dictating memoirs, Discussing his campaigns. Quarrelling with the British governor. And working very hard on the final military campaign of his life. Controlling how history remembers Napoleon. He dies on St Helena in 1821, Aged 51. And remarkably. The argument about him. Never really ends. Even his height became part of the mythology. Napoleon was not exceptionally short for a Frenchman of his period. Confusion between French and British measurements. Along with hostile caricatures, Helped create the enduring image of the tiny furious emperor. The famous hand inside his coat. Was not evidence of a mysterious stomach problem either. It was a conventional and respectable pose in portraiture. So after all the battles, Laws, Crowns, Propaganda, Marriages, Exiles and several attempts to reorganise Europe. Napoleon ends up achieving something he would probably have appreciated enormously. More than 200 years later. People are still talking about him. Which? For a man. Who once looked at most of Europe. And thought it could use more Napoleon. Is probably exactly what he wanted.

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I found more humorous history- my favorite. Thank you. 🤎