Stop Chasing Peace: The Paradox Of Trying Too Hard

Why does peace sometimes seem further away the harder we pursue it?
Inspired by the Backwards Law, a paradox explored by philosopher Alan Watts, this original teaching and guided meditation looks at how striving for a particular feeling can deepen our struggle.
We begin with a short, accessible reflection, then practise making room for our experience without trying to change it.
For anyone who has ever felt frustrated with their own mind or wondered why trying to relax can feel like hard work.

Transcript

Hello. Thank you so much for joining me. My name is Mark Rowland. Have you ever been lying in bed, Exhausted, Knowing you need to get up early, And found that the harder you try to fall asleep, The more awake you seem to become. You look at the clock. You worry about how many hours are left. You tell yourself to relax, Which doesn't help much because now you're trying very hard to do something that can't really be forced. We do a similar thing with happiness. We notice that we don't feel particularly happy. So we start searching for ways to change that. We check out how we're doing. We wonder why everyone else seems so much more content than us. Before long. We are unhappy. Not only about what ever had troubled us in the first place, But also about the fact we're not happy yet. The Philosopher Alan Watts explored this paradox. In an idea. That is often called the backwards law. In simple terms, The more desperately we chase a particular inner state, The more conscious we can become of its absence. Our effort to feel different becomes yet another source of tension. Someone comes to sit down, Hoping to feel calm. A thought appears and then they think. . . Wait a minute, I shouldn't be thinking. And they try to empty their minds. Then another thought appears and now there's frustration on top of that as well. The original thought wasn't necessarily the problem. The struggle that followed it was doing much of the work. Of course, This doesn't mean we shouldn't ever try to make an effort. If you are tired. . . It's sensible to make time for rest. If you're having a difficult day, You can do things that support you. And if a situation needs changing, Then you can take action. The distinction is between taking a helpful action and demanding that your feelings obey you. You can make the conditions for sleep more comfortable. But you can't order yourself to sleep. You can make space for peace. But you just can't insist that peace arrives on schedule. Oh say! There's another trap here. We can hear all of this and think, Right, If I stop trying to be peaceful, Then I'll finally become peaceful. But the trap is that is still trying to make peace happen. We've simply found a more convoluted way to chase it. So the meditation we're about to do. Doesn't have a promised result. You might feel calmer afterwards and you might not. What matters is the chance to relate differently to whatever is already happening inside of you. For a little while, We're going to practice being here without treating ourselves as a problem that needs to be solved. Find a position you can stay in comfortably for a little while. Feel free to close your eyes or keep them open with a soft gaze. Noticing the surface beneath you. Feel the weight of your body being supported. There is nothing special you need to do with your hands and no particular shape your posture needs to take. Now notice that you're breathing. You don't need to make the breath deeper or slower. Let it arrive, However it arrives. If it's shallow, It's shallow. If it's uneven, Then it is uneven. Your body has been breathing all day without needing a running commentary from your mind. See if you can notice the first thing you're tempted to change about this moment. It might be a sound in the room. It may be an ache, A thought or a feeling that you just wish would ease. You may already be wondering how long it will take before this meditation begins to work. And there is no need at all to criticise yourself for any of that. The mind is used to helping us solve things. It looks for what needs attention. That's useful when we're working out a problem or finding our way somewhere. But right now. We can notice that habit without following every instruction it gives us. You might even name it very simply. Trying to change this. And then see what happens. If you don't act on that instruction immediately. Maybe a thought comes along saying, I'm not doing this properly. Instead of arguing with it, Notice the words as words. There are thoughts happening in the mind. You don't have to prove them wrong. And you certainly don't have to take them as a verdict on how you're doing. What does the thought feel like in the body? Is there a small tightening somewhere? An impulse to straighten up, Breathe differently. Or concentrate harder. See if you can be curious about the connection between the thought and the effort that follows it. Now consider the possibility that your meditation doesn't have to look any particular way. You may be distracted several times. You may hear the same worry over and over. You may have moments when you're completely caught up in thinking and only realise it afterwards. That's not a ruined meditation. That moment of noticing is part of the practice. So when you find yourself somewhere else in your mind. There is no need to haul your attention back with force. Simply become aware of where you are, Feel the chair or the floor again. Hear the sound of my voice. Allow attention to return as naturally as you can. Let's look a little more closely. Wanting. See if there is a feeling you would rather have right now. Maybe you'd quite like to feel lighter. Maybe you want reassurance that everything is going to be alright. Or you just want to stop thinking for 5 minutes. You don't have to pretend you don't want those things. Wanting comfort is human. Wanting relief when life is difficult makes sense. But for a moment. Instead of pursuing the feeling you want. Notice. What the wanting feels like. Does it have a restless quality? Does the mind lean in to the next moment, As though What's here can't possibly be enough. Is there a sense of waiting for the experience to improve before you can really settle? You don't need to answer these questions out loud or even find an answer. They are invitations to look. If you notice wanting. Let that wanting be there too. This is important. We're not trying to get rid of the part of us that tries. And that would only start another struggle. A mind that wants peace can be allowed to want peace. A mind that keeps planning tomorrow can be allowed to plan tomorrow. We can recognise what it's doing and we don't have to turn that into a fresh reason to be disappointed in ourselves. Feel the simple contact between your body and the place where you're sitting or lying down. For these few moments, Life doesn't have to pass a test before you're permitted to be present for it. If there is an uncomfortable feeling around today. See if you can acknowledge it without giving it the whole room. It might be a worry, Disappointment, Impatience, Or an unsettled feeling that you can't quite name. There's no need to go looking for anything difficult. Just work with what's naturally here. And if this feels too intense. Open your eyes and reconnect with the room around you. Notice how quickly the mind can add another layer to discomfort. There is a difficult feeling and then comes the thought, I shouldn't feel like this. Or I need to get over this. What happens when that second layer isn't required? The feeling itself may remain. It might even be uncomfortable for a while. Then we aren't going to call it pleasant when it clearly isn't. But we can stop asking it to justify its presence. Imagine someone you care about coming to you after a particularly difficult day. You probably wouldn't demand that they cheer up before you would sit beside them. You might make room for them as they are. You might listen without trying to finish their sentence or turn their experience into some kind of a lesson. See if a little of that same patience can be available here. Towards yourself. Not because kindness will definitely remove all the discomfort, But just because it's a more humane way to meet it. Notice your breath again. Nothing to perfect. There may be a small gap after an outbreath or there may not be. Your attention may rest easily on the breathing for a few moments and then wander away. You can allow that to happen. If you catch yourself checking whether you're finally peaceful. Recognise the checking. There's the familiar urge to measure progress. No need to scold it, No need to start again from the beginning. You can simply return to the physical fact of being here. The weight of the body, The movement of the air. The ordinary sounds around you. There's such an important freedom in not having to make this moment lead anywhere. You don't have to turn these minutes into a success. You're not collecting calmness that you have to hold on to for the rest of the day. If ease comes, It can be here. You don't need to grab it and make sure it stays. If restlessness comes, That too can be noticed, Without deciding that the practice has failed. Life moves, Sensations change. The mind has a weather all of its own. We can learn to be with that movement, Rather than insisting on clear skies every time we sit down. For the next little while, I'll leave more space between my words. You can listen to the room. Notice the breath. Feel your body being held by the surface beneath you. Whenever you find yourself trying to make the next moment better than this one. See if you can loosen your grip on that project, Just for now. And if you can't loosen your grip. There's room for that too. Nothing needs to be demonstrated here. No special experience needs to arrive. Allow this moment. Be a moment of your life, Rather than another thing that you have to get right. As we come toward the end. Begin to notice the room a little more clearly. The sounds around you. The support beneath ye. If your eyes have been closed. Then just open them when you're ready. You might feel different from when you began. And you might feel much the same. There is no need to give yourself a score. Later today. Notice if the same pattern appears somewhere ordinary. Maybe you're trying to force yourself to relax after work, Or maybe you're waiting for a feeling of certainty before taking a step that matters to you. See if you can recognise the pressure you're adding. And ask yourself. Is there a useful action I can take here? And Is there a feeling that I'm trying to force? You can still do what needs doing. You can care deeply about your life. But you don't have to make peace yet another thing that you're failing to achieve. Thank you so much for joining me today. I hope you have a beautiful rest of your day. Go in peace. Namaste.