Understanding The Ego

What is the ego, and how do we know when it is driving our choices? Jim describes the ego as the stories we tell ourselves about who we are, and explains why it cares so much about status, comparison and how others see us. Using stories from his own life, including a visit to a car dealership, he shows how it can appear as defensiveness, fear of loss and the need to control. He suggests that self-awareness is the key: noticing when the ego is active, observing your thoughts and emotions without judging, and remembering you are more than your thoughts. This content is educational and is not a substitute for one to one professional care.

Transcript

Now the ego is an area that for a lot of people we've heard about it, But we really don't quite know what it is or that much about it. So hopefully through this episode we can dive a bit into what the ego is, Why it's important to understand it better, How does it interact with our day-to-day functioning, And what are some of the problematic situations that could come up with the ego. So there's different ways to describe people. Some people will look at the ego from the perspective that Freud, Roughly I guess about a hundred years ago, Viewed the ego. He actually had uh three sort of components the ego the id which is sort of our base kind of uh impulses uh sort of cravings urges those types of things uh the the the ego was one term which which was sort of the uh. . . It's while we interact with reality and then super ego was kind of the the area that governs our morality so for example i want the id wants to do something impulsive the super ego would come in and say that's not going to be socially acceptable don't do that so that's just kind of a nutshell i don't follow uh. . . I'm not going to dwell too much on that i just if some people had heard the term super ego id that sort of thing i want to make sure i at least covered that But I looking at the ego and typically in the And the way I share with my clients is I'm looking at it from what we call the constructivist perspective, Which is the ego is constructed. It's part of our identity. Maybe the technical way is the ego is the part of self that creates mental representations of the world. Another way to look at it is a term we use is the self as a story. So it's the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves creates the ego. And it's something that of course through our lifespan will evolve and develop as we do. But it's interesting that it's such an important part of how we function. And most people have very little understanding of it. Now we do often ingest, Let's say, Refer to someone who's maybe an egomaniac or someone who's got a big ego, That sort of thing. But do we really understand sometimes? And this is where I like to spend a lot of time. The work I do. Is helping people see, Do I know when I'm living through my ego or when my ego is very active in a particular area? Because it's very important. The ego has very specific needs and very specific function and focus which may not line up with our values. One of the stories I often tell people is a few months ago, I was at the car dealership and I took my daughter and as we were waiting for the car to be worked on, She sort of wandered around and saw a brand new SUV that was a bright colored blue. What she didn't realize was this was a Cadillac SUV, Which was worth about, I think, $85, 000. And when she walked up to him she was looking at it and uh. . . That was a moment when I just kind of envisioned myself driving it. Envision myself driving home, Pulling in the driveway, That sort of thing. And that was a good example of my ego was very active at that moment. I was looking at myself in that vehicle, Looking at how people would see me. And funny enough, When I saw what the payments were, It quickly took me out of my ego and back into reality, Which was You know, Paying $1, 000 a month for a car payment is not something I would personally do. So. . . You know, I spend a lot of time being very aware of my ego, So it's something that I kind of was almost laughing about in terms of how I just kind of slipped into this very appealing sort of scenario. But let's just go into more detail about what we're looking at in terms of the ego. So as I said earlier, It's an embodiment of the sort of stories we tell ourselves. What I mean by that is, I'll use myself as an example. I'm a certain age. People typically like me. I'm a psychotherapist. I have this kind of income. I have maybe this kind of status in the community. These are all things that are part of the stories I tell myself. I'm good at this. I'm not good at that. Very descriptive sometimes about our life but also I think it to me it has also a lot to do with Our social hierarchy. Something that it's important to be aware of. You and your value system may not care how your neighbor perceives you. In general. But your ego does. Your ego wants people to. . . Perceive you in a very positive way. One of the reasons we have an ego is it's part of our survival system to ensure as social creatures that we have made great sort of efforts to ensure we have a good reputation, We have a good status within the community, Because that in a sense would ensure survival. Now that's just a very basic way of approaching it. But I do feel strongly that if you look at how the eagle gets very active, If I'm going to lose my job. It's not just that I'm going to lose my money, The incomes right from the job, It's also that there's a lot of status attached to the certain position in a sense. So that could be quite painful for an individual. For example, I could be financially stable and I don't need the job. But losing the job could hurt from an ego perspective. Now, I'm not saying there isn't other things about that, Like loss of connections to people that you care about, That sort of thing, Or even work that you enjoy. I'm not saying that's not important or that doesn't happen. But if you look closely at that, You'd kind of see that the ego would be quite quite triggered in a sense by Not so much the loss of the job, Necessarily. That extreme, But even the threat of the loss of the job is where we find the ego very active. So there are terms that are thrown around sometimes like egomaniac, As I said earlier, Egocentric, Someone who's very focused on their ego. Now, We often use this term with children who are sort of you know, Probably about the age of like five or six through to preteens, Where they would be developing in sort, They can't help it. We're all kind of in that developmental stage, Very egocentric, We're very much focused on our own needs. We haven't really developed empathy yet. So we're not thinking so much about how our actions, Behaviors affect others. We're very just focused as a seven or eight year old child would be on, You know, The world through our, Of ourself. And that's why it's sometimes hard with children when you're wanting them to share, Get along with others, Or even help them understand that something they're doing is hurting another child. That for them to grasp that as being meaningful because they're so focused on just what matters and what's relevant to them. So typically as we develop empathy into our teens and into being an adult, We would become less focused on this or less egocentric in a sense. So sometimes then someone who's very much focused on their ego and acting from their ego would be perceived by other adults as a bit immature. Most people have enough awareness to realize when they're sort of behaving that way. One of the people that I respect a lot that does write a lot about the E is Eckhart Tolle. Who wrote The Power of Now. Now I understand years ago I read that book and I don't think I really understood much of it, But he talks quite a bit about the ego, It talks quite a bit about how the ego's desire to maintain a certain status quo or a certain sort of image or identity triggers a lot of anxiety and fear over maintaining that. I think that's very true. If I have a certain job, A certain status in the community, And I have a lot of possessions and things that are meaningful to me, Especially to the ego. The fear and anxiety around potentially losing those is very real. It's very much coming from the ego. Be aware personally of experiences you might have had where. Something really hurt you. And then when you look closely at it, There wasn't a lot of money involved, But it hurt your feelings in some way or it was really difficult for you. Sometimes, You know, Investing in a stock in the stock market and thinking the stock can go up and then it goes down. You might lose a couple thousand dollars and you're able to absorb that. The ego might not, You know, I don't, I look foolish, Or I don't look competent, Or I, I messed this up. And maybe I've gone around and told everybody, I've got this amazing stock, It's going to do really well. And then it didn't do well. So that would be something that would certainly trigger the ego. And also one thing that Eckhart Tolle talks a lot about is The ego is identifying so much with thoughts and emotional elements that it really creates a lot of challenges when you're trying to create some sort of stillness in your life, Meditation practice, Being more mindful, That sort of thing. The ego really doesn't understand the importance of something like that. Now, One of the ways that he suggests is to get out of the ego is to try to stay in the present moment. And certainly, I would agree that if I'm focused on, Say, My breathing and being present in the present moment, That I'm not in my ego. The ego is very much concerned with the past and future, This and not so much exactly in the present moment, This being driven by the ego, Being caught up in the ego, However we describe it. It's very simple really in terms of a general an answer to that in terms of like being able to do it isn't necessarily that easy. Self-awareness is the key. Because if you're aware of what's happening, And if you're aware of your ego being activated or triggered, Then you're not in your ego. It's when you're not aware that your ego could be driving your life, Driving your efforts, Focusing. Of fear and anxiety over things that may or may not happen. Typically, I think a lot of the times when people are starting to meditate, The ego is very active because they don't know necessarily what they're doing. And when they feel they're not doing correctly, They'll get frustrated with themselves and say, I can't do this. And so that would be certainly something that's being driven by the ego. Like it's wanting to be successful and good at something. And when you're not, It's frustrated. It's triggering some frustration instead of, You know, The other side of it, Which we tell people it's a process. My mind drifts off all the time when I'm meditating and I bring it back gently and that's okay. Anyone that probably has meditated for many years would say the same thing. But it's this idea that we have to do it right, And do it perfectly, And do it well, Would be something that's very much driven by the ego. And so especially in mindfulness, It's something we want to get away from. We want to be able to realize when the ego, Which is almost like the opposite of what we're trying to achieve with mindfulness, Which is to be present, To be observing and to not be judgmental and to be accepting. And the ego is certainly the opposite of those. So the ego also would drive a lot of, As I said earlier, Comparison. It has a lot to do with control, Certainly fear and anxiety. The mechanism that they trigger is control. And so people that are often anxious, Fearful, Trying to over-control, In many cases will be concerned about something going wrong that will affect their identity, Who they are. I lose my job, I lose some money, I might lose my partner. And I may love my partner, And I may also love the idea of having a partner, Which is very appealing to the ego. Certainly things like jealousy and the classic one, Defensive behavior, In most cases defensive behavior is driven by the ego. For example, Let's say I was interacting with a client, And the client told me that, Oh, You're not a very good therapist. I don't find that you were helpful at all. Now. Typically, Myself, I would be, Well, You know, Understand that I'm not going to be the right fit for everyone. But if i was in my ego and the person said you're not a very good therapist My first reaction might be to get angry, To want to explain, My credentials or my experience or things about me. To sort of counter what they're saying. So often, When you find yourself jumping to respond very defensively in a very reactive way, It can often be that the stories you've told yourself about who you are is now being challenged by someone else. We see this a lot in relationships, Where I might think that I'm a kind, Loving, Supportive partner, And then my partner is telling me, You're not supportive. You're not there for me. You're not maybe if she's saying I'm selfish I don't but those things can certainly trigger your ego because you're in a sense saying, Deep down, You're feeling like that's not true. I don't agree with that. The problem is if this is coming from the ego, It's. . . It's in a sense a construct. So this is what I'm constructing. So there isn't 100% confidence in this. And so if someone is to come along and say, You're just not very good at this, Or you think you're a lot better at this than you actually are, Those are classic, Very simple scenarios where our ego is very much often activated. For someone like myself, Who focuses on this a lot, I will notice, I will observe when my ego gets activated. I won't necessarily say anything, But I will notice a desire to respond in some way, And I'm usually able to step back from it, Take a pause, Take a moment, And respond in a way that I think is appropriate. Now certainly anyone's entitled to have an opinion about me. You may not like it. I understand that. Everyone can have an opinion and also understand the fact that I'm not going to appeal as a person to everyone. Although my ego wouldn't necessarily be as understanding of that. What is the other way that we can become more aware of the ego. Is to just become more aware of thoughts, Feelings, Behaviors that are as they're reflecting around specific events. And it's pretty easy to start to notice where the ego is activated, Where it's not. Usually there's a kind of a, As I said earlier, A kind of a defensive, Strong desire to react. One of the things we. . . We want people to understand about the egos. You are much more than than your thoughts and your emotions and your ego. There is a part of you. As we would describe there again, This is a perspective that I believe is relevant, But not everybody would agree with this. Is that we're taking on the position of the observer of ourself, We can start to notice these patterns. And so, For me, The actual person, Who I really am, Is the one that's doing the observing. And, You know, Think about that for a minute. If I'm observing my thoughts and my emotions and my ego being activated, I'm watching and observing, So of course there has to be another part of me in that. Understand to be. That's our true self. And now, I don't want to get too complicated to that, But anyone can sort of sit down and spend some time observing their thoughts. And observing, You know, The patterns of thoughts and emotions without judging, Just kind of observing. One of the basic first steps we have in any kind of mindfulness training is just getting more comfortable with that. So basically, To kind of sum this all up, Understanding the ego from a constructivist perspective is a powerful tool for personal growth and healing. It helps us develop a more integrated sense of self and cultivate a greater sense of personal freedom. By becoming more aware of our ego's function and working with it. We can move beyond limiting beliefs and behaviors and create a more fulfilling life. Applying the constructivist perspective to our everyday lives means we can We're recognizing the power to shape our experiences and make conscious choices that align with our values and goals. The journey towards self-discovery and personal growth is not always easy, But it is incredibly rewarding. And although none of us can sort of, None of us typically are going to live without an ego. It's very good to be aware of that. Where your ego gets triggered, The areas that you struggle, As much as it is with any other area where you're finding yourself, You know, Not being as operating at your best in a sense. So I'd like you to spend some time reflecting on your ego. Thinking about it as I said from the perspective of you know It's a collection of stories you tell yourself about who you are basically part of your identity. It's your a mental representation of self or another way of phrasing it and in a lot of cases That is not accurate. You know a lot of cases. It is something that is very flawed in terms of being accurate truthful lot with my values. So my ego will focus a lot on, Say, The career I do, But maybe the main thing that drives me in life is my family and my family connections. Now, Certainly if those got threatened in some way, My ego would get very activated. But your ego isn't necessarily going to it's not going to embody the values you have. You have to be, I think a lot of the times it's looking at that from a much more sort of social construct of like, How are others perceiving me? How are others viewing me? That sort of thing. Which, When you get down to your basic values, May not be something that's that important to you. So it's good to be aware. And the easiest way to become aware of all of this, Increase your self-awareness, Is to just simply Observe your thoughts and emotions, And in this case your ego, As frequently as you can.