How To Get Rid Of Limiting Beliefs

Why do we keep running into the same obstacles when we try to change? Jim explains how beliefs about ourselves, other people and the world take shape, often through what caregivers and society tell us, and how negative core beliefs, such as feeling unlovable or not smart enough, can affect our relationships, our work and our anxiety. He shares an example from his own school years and offers a simple exercise: ask yourself what you are afraid of and what the worst outcome could be, then look at what that reveals about what you believe. This content is educational and is not a substitute for one to one professional care.

Transcript

I want to talk about beliefs. It's something that comes up an awful lot when people are trying to change. And I don't think people necessarily understand how important our belief system is. So, Typically we have our beliefs structured into beliefs about ourself, Beliefs about others, And beliefs about the world. Now, Within those we have thousands upon thousands of different small beliefs, But we have a lot of core beliefs about, You know, Am I lovable? Am I likable? Am I successful at things? Things, Am I smart, Is the world safe, Etc. So when we develop beliefs that are not accurate, That are sometimes negative, It has a huge impact on us. And one of the things is we notice when people are trying to change is, You know, They keep bumping into these limiting beliefs. And so they do create a lot of havoc for people in their life. And they're actually not that difficult to work through in terms of like, It's not a complex process. Now it is one that has to be worked at consistently. And it's a tough one for people because, Which is kind of obvious, They don't believe. If I'm trying to help someone feel that they are lovable, Believe that they are lovable, It's obviously going to be hard for them if they strongly believe they are not. So initially the process is quite challenging. They're challenging. They're trying to, You know, Basically believe something you don't truly believe. So as is probably obvious, If we develop negative core beliefs in very specific areas, Our life will, You know, Not flourish, Not develop, Not, We won't meet challenges like we would normally expect to. We will avoid a lot of things, A lot of situations because of them. And some, In most cases, I don't think people are fully aware of the beliefs. And if they are, They're not sure what to do about it. So some of it's pretty straightforward and it happens, You know, When we're a child, Somebody may be told by caregivers specific, You know, I'm not, You know, You're an idiot or something like that repeatedly. And you develop this belief that you're not intelligent. I know when I was a young person, I was trying to make sense of my struggles in school. So I came to the conclusion that I'm a person that's actually smart in a street sense, But not in a book sense. So that's what something that made sense to me. That I carried with me. And then when I tried to go to, Later in life, When I tried to go to university, It was something that was creating a lot of anxiety for me, Until I realized. That it wasn't actually true. I'd never really applied myself to school. Once I did apply myself to school, I actually did quite well. So sometimes these beliefs are a way to make sense of things. Often, In most cases, They're either messages to society or community or people we respect, Caregivers, Etc. , Are telling us. But for us to move out and make big changes in areas of our life, We really have to change a lot of these beliefs. They do cause so much distress to people. I mean, A lot of people don't realize it. If I'm in a relationship where I have some negative core beliefs about self. And a person is with me in a relationship, I'm obviously going to struggle, Wondering why they're with me, Wondering if they really love me, Wondering maybe one day when they realize that they don't love me or see me for who I really am and then leave. So we don't always articulate it that way, But it comes across. And we feel very anxious, Very insecure. And these are often, You know, Strongly connected to these feelings. So the changing our belief system is incredibly beneficial. You know, And it really takes a lot of close examination to kind of see even what those beliefs are. Now, There's techniques that we use in therapy to kind of uncover what those core beliefs are. But some sort of straightforward exercises you can do with yourself. So for example, If you're anxious about something, Ask yourself what you're afraid of. Ask yourself what's the worst thing that can happen. And within that answer, You'll probably find something that makes sense to you. So for example, If I'm in the workplace and my boss is angry, And I think, Oh my gosh, Maybe he's going to fire me. That process of coming to that conclusion, It shows me that I don't really feel very skilled or very competent at work. Perhaps I have a belief that my boss just doesn't like me. Maybe he's he's going to get rid of me the first opportunity. Any one of those beliefs would trigger a lot of like anxiety in me if when it came time to interact with my boss or deal with him when he was in a sort of upset state. So the challenge is that none of those may be true. And we live our lives according to the fact that they are true. So that's why we have to change them. We want to be accurate in our beliefs. We want to scrutinize our beliefs. And we certainly don't want to end up with negative core beliefs about larger things. Like we don't want to have someone, You know, Basically have a negative core belief about the world, That the world is an unsafe place. Now, Of course, There are parts of in times, You know, You don't want to travel in the world and areas you want to be careful of, But the world, As a kind of a blanket statement, Is not an unsafe place. There are lots of places that are very safe. So getting to the root of this is very important.