The Negative Cycle

All right.

So let's take a look at an example I use just to demonstrate this process.

This was a fight I had with my wife a couple years ago.

And I wish I could say you learn this stuff and you stop fighting,

But the fight I had last night reminds me that that's not the case.

It does get a little easy to repair,

Though.

So this was when I was in the firehouse,

And we would do 24-hour shifts.

And I really wanted to come home,

Wanted to see my dog.

I also wanted to see my kids and my wife have dinner together.

All the research says having dinner together really is amazing for a family.

I'm still trying to figure that one out,

Because if you're at my dinner table,

I just want to survive it half the time.

But that's another sidebar.

Maybe we'll do a family training one day.

But I'm really looking forward to coming home.

I'm probably driving too fast.

But again,

Notice my need.

I want this.

I want to see my wife.

I want to see my kids.

It's all good.

I come home.

I open the door,

And my wife says to me,

That's her action,

Did you get the milk?

Boop,

Boop,

Boop.

Now that question was a threat to these universal attachment needs that we're talking about,

These needs to be loved,

To be seen,

Accepted,

All these beautiful things.

First of all,

Do you think I got the milk?

How does everyone know that?

One of these days,

I want someone to say,

Yeah,

You get the milk,

You always get the milk.

I didn't get the milk.

So not getting the milk is a threat.

And this line,

The initial response is a bodily signal.

For me,

And I didn't pay attention to it at the time.

Since then,

I've been able to make more sense of it.

But there's like a clenching in my stomach,

Which is like this bad feeling,

Like uh-oh.

Typical of men,

What feels safe for me is knowing what to do,

Being able to fix things,

Being able to get feedback that I'm doing something right.

When I hear I'm doing something wrong,

It doesn't feel good.

So this is not good feeling.

I've never had anybody help me talk about this feeling.

So what do you think I do with this feeling?

What do I think is going to happen if I try to talk about this feeling?

What do you think?

If I try to talk about it,

What do you think is going to happen?

It's not going to go well for me.

It's probably going to turn into a fight.

I don't want to feel this way anyway.

I deal with my feelings by trying to go away.

So what do I do?

How do I protect myself?

I go upstairs.

Nope,

I wish I would have went and got the milk,

But I didn't.

And actually,

If I would have went and gotten the milk and still felt the same way,

I probably would have came back and I still would have been a little resentful,

And I still would have been distant.

But we won't get into that.

What I decided to do here is I went upstairs to check my emails.

Where's the empathy for that?

If my fear is getting things wrong and I don't want to get into a fight,

Wouldn't it make sense if I take a little time out?

I do something productive.

I need to check some emails,

Get some work done.

When I calm down,

I'll come back downstairs and start over again.

It's my way of protecting the relationship.

So that's what I do.

I go upstairs and check my emails.

Boop,

Boop,

Boop.

Down on my wife's head.

Wife's side.

How does she experience me going upstairs checking my emails?

I would have followed you right up there.

Look at the energy.

You feel it?

You feel the energy?

What's the vulnerability?

The initial response.

If you could slow this process down,

What my wife would probably feel,

It would be some probably pain in her chest.

It's a rejection.

And she's been waiting all day to connect.

And the minute I come home,

And her version of the story is different.

She said,

Honey,

Did you get the milk?

That's her version of the story.

I'm not responding.

It's incredibly confusing for her.

Like,

What's going on here?

This is not what she wanted at all.

When you start understanding the energy,

The worst thing for my wife is what?

To be left alone.

She's feeling this pain.

To sit in this pain by herself is already the worst thing.

She has nothing to lose.

So what do you think she does?

Right up the stairs.

What does my wife say to me?

I don't understand it.

I asked you one little thing to do.

You couldn't do the one little thing.

Boop.

What is my fear?

I'm failing.

I'm getting it wrong.

That's why I'm trying to protect myself.

What is my wife now telling me?

You got it wrong.

You got it wrong.

You wonder why I didn't want to have this conversation?

This is why I went upstairs.

I don't want to hear this.

Perfectly reinforces that vulnerability,

That initial feeling about me that I don't really talk about.

What do you think I do?

How do I protect myself?

Well,

I'm on the second floor,

So I can't jump out the window.

Right?

I have nowhere else to go.

I'm trapped.

So fight or flight.

What did I do all day?

I don't even know why I bothered coming home.

I should have stayed at work.

Boop,

Boop,

Boop.

What's my wife's fear?

I don't want to be with her?

What am I saying?

I would rather stay to work.

The guys are so much nicer and happier.

They're not always nagging and complaining.

It's a lot more fun to stay at work,

Where they think I'm pretty terrific.

Perfectly reinforces that vulnerability.

Again,

How does my wife protect herself?

Does she talk about this painful feeling?

Sure,

All you do is work.

Your kids don't even know who you are.

Boop,

Boop,

Boop.

What is my wife telling me?

I fail with her milk.

Now I fail as a father pretty consistently,

Too.

This is a great conversation.

Right?

What do I say back to my wife?

Well,

Maybe I wouldn't work so much if you didn't spend so much money.

Boop,

Boop,

Boop,

Boop.

What am I telling my wife?

It's your fault.

I don't really want to be around you.

All you do is spend money.

Look at all the problems that you have.

Perfectly reinforces that underlying vulnerability.

Again,

You can just see how this thing spins out all over the place.

What does my wife say back to me?

Do you know what?

Her mother said that he's never really going to get it right.

Boop,

Boop,

Boop.

Right back down to my side.

So let's see.

I fail with the milk.

I fail as a dad.

I work too much.

And her mother knew it the whole time.

I mean,

What do you do with that?

Is there really even a comeback for that line?

I mean,

How do you argue with that?

The only thing I could do is say,

Well,

Funny you should talk about your mother.

Because my mother said no man would ever make you happy.

Boop,

Boop,

Boop.

Right back to her side.

So you be our therapist,

Or you be our friend.

If you're going to try to fix all these problems that we threw at each other in about a minute,

Good luck.

Try to talk about our moms,

The milk,

The money,

The kids.

We could have thrown sex in there.

These are just the triggers.

The content are just the things that lead to the same place over and over and over again.

Let's keep it simple.

What we're all looking for is in our moment of need,

And we don't always have to get this right,

Only 33% of the time,

Is our partner there for us?

Am I there for my wife in this?

The worst thing on the planet for my wife when she's feeling rejected,

And it is her time of greatest need,

Is for somebody to leave.

I'm an expert at leaving.

Not only am I not there,

I'm doing absolutely the worst thing possible for her.

The worst thing for me when I'm feeling like I'm failing is somebody in my face telling me I'm failing.

She is not there for me.

She's also doing the worst thing possible for me.

We all believe we love our partner.

We'd be there for our partner.

So if my wife calls and says something happened,

I'm going to say goodbye,

Good group and good people,

And I'm going to go race to my wife's side.

And yet every day we do these cycles with each other where we're not there for each other.

Is this making sense?

What I'm trying to just get in the morning,

And we're going to take a break,

Most people that come into my office are trying to get me to fix their partner.

And it makes sense.

If my wife would say to you,

You know,

If George would just stop going away,

And he could just be more emotionally available to me,

Our marriage would be so much better.

And what am I saying?

If my wife could just be a little bit more positive and stop being so negative all the time,

We would really get along a lot better.

So therapist,

Can you fix that?

What do you think my answer is?

You're both right.