Addicted To Being Right With Vasavi Kumar

Vasavi Kumar was arrested for assaulting her boyfriend which woke her up to loss of control, loss of identity, and loss of self. We go deep on anger and comparison, taking responsibility for our situations, and attachment to our stories.

Please note: This track may include some explicit language.

Transcript

Vasavi, Thank you so much for coming on the podcast today. I want to start off how we always start off our interviews and ask you to share your loss story with us. Thanks for having me on, Shelby. So I want to start off with the loss story being something that your listeners may not be expecting, But it's actually something that happened recently, As of recent as March of this year, And it would be a loss of self. On March 12th, I got arrested. Yeah, I got arrested for assault, And I went to jail for a whopping 18 hours. I was wrong, 100%. I was in the wrong. I was rightfully arrested, And it was the first time and the last time that I will ever be going to jail, But it was definitely not only a loss of self, But a loss of control, Something which I try to hold on for dear life, Which is control, Which is an illusion. That was probably my greatest loss story. It's not a person that I lost. It's not a thing. It really was my sense of self, Because up until that point, Here I was, Ivy League graduate, Double master, Successful business, Good daughter, Former wife, Just kind of always doing things by the book. I got in trouble because I was wrong, And I lost control of my anger. I assaulted someone very close to me. It's my partner, Actually, My current partner right now, Actually, That I'm with. I got angry, And I assaulted him. That is what happened. That is absolutely incredible, And that was what I was expecting. I'll tell the listeners right now that Vassa V's loss was kept under wraps until this very moment, So this is all new to me as well. I'm really curious, Because you seem so prepared already to identify this as a loss of self and a loss of control, Which makes me wonder, Have you lost yourself and or any element of control in the past before? Have you felt this feeling, And is that why you were able to quickly identify it, Or are you just familiar with the concept of loss in general? I'm very familiar with the concept of loss since the time I was a child. I know what it's like to not have a mother around all the time. My mom is alive, Knock on wood, But she was a working mother. I didn't have my mom growing up. I didn't. She was at work. She's a doctor, So it's not like she was out gallivanting, Painting the town red, But as a child, I did not have her physically there. I didn't come home to warm baked cookies at all. I came home to a babysitter. You know what I mean? I had that loss of that steady mother figure. I grew up in a family of chaos, So there was always that loss of control from a very young age. I literally recreated my childhood as an adult, Which is why I got arrested. I know this feeling very well. That's why I'm so aware of it. That's why I don't blame anyone for it. That's why I've taken full responsibility for it because it's like, Oh, Well, No wonder this happened. I mean, Just look at my 35 years of living on this planet. Look at how I was raised. Look at my environment that I grew up in. This is not a parent bashing interview. I love my parents very much. I'm still very close to them, But they did the best they could with what they had as well, But there were consequences to the way I was raised. I was hit as a child growing up. That was normal in our culture. I was smacked in public. Just hitting in general was very normal. By the way, I've never hit anybody in my life up until what happened in March, But this is so predictable for me. You know what I mean? It was so predictable that I swear to God when I got arrested, It was at like 9. 35 or 10 o'clock at night on a Sunday. I had just come back from a week's trip in Costa Rica, By the way. I had landed from Costa Rica the night before. When I got arrested, Shelby, There was such a washing of peace over me. It was almost like, Oh my God, I can finally surrender. I don't have to be in control. Wow. Tell me more about that. It's so crazy. I mean, We were literally on the side of the street and there were four cops and my boyfriend. He told his side of the story. I told mine and the cop came over to me and he goes, Can you hand me your phone? I was like, Yeah, Sure. Then he took both hands, Put them behind me and he arrested me. I didn't even freak out. I didn't even freak out. I said, Okay, I understand. I said to my boyfriend, Please take care of Lainey, Who's my dog. That was my number one concern, Was like, Please just take care of the dog while I'm gone. I didn't know how long I'd be gone for. I don't know how this stuff works. There was such a level of peace because, God, I can't even explain it. It was almost like all the fighting stopped in that moment. All the yelling stopped in that moment. All the anger stopped in that moment because at that point it was done. It was done. There was someone bigger than me, Someone with more authority than me that said basically, No, You're going to be reprimanded for this behavior. I don't know. I just submitted. I just submitted. Were you? Yeah, Go ahead. Were you carrying your past with you in that moment? Were you literally surrendering 35 years in that moment? That's such a good question. No one's ever asked me that. Well, No one actually, Not a lot of people know about this, But I was surrendering. Yes, Yes. I mean, Yes. It was 35 years of control, 35 years of anger, 35 years of maybe letting my anger get the best of me, But never really having to pay any full consequences for it because the people in my life loved me and they would just take it from me. In that moment, It's like, Oh, I'm caught. I can no longer get away with this crap. You know what I mean? I got what I deserved. I take responsibility for things to a fault. I am not saying my boyfriend at all is perfect in any of this, But I'm the one that got taken because under those principles of domestic violence, I was the one that did commit a crime. It was the most – I don't want to say peaceful, But when you're in a holding cell with other people who are coming in late at night – I mean, I did not go to sleep at all and it's freezing inside jail. I don't know if you've – I don't think you've ever been, But it's freezing inside there and it's cold and they make you change into your – the outfit and the ugly shoes and it's like there's nothing I can do at that point. All the control that I had just been trying to control the relationship, Trying to control myself, Trying to control life, Trying to control everything personally, Trying to control being perfect all the time, I was no different than anybody in there. I have to be honest. That's kind of a relief for me. It was actually a relief for me for even those 18 hours. Here I am, Ivy League educated, In business for seven years. I've been featured here. I've been featured there. Nobody gives a crap when you're in jail. I was no different than anybody else and that was actually a very good feeling for me. Okay, I can't pretend in here. I have to face the fact that I screwed up. I messed up. Vasavi Kumar messed up. It was a very humbling 18 hours for me and it has carried on. It's just incredible and it sounds like you're still in the process of decompressing, But I want to rewind for like two seconds. I want to take you back to the phrase, I heard this come out of your mouth, Regarding your parents. You said they did the best they could with what they had. I want to talk about what that phrase means to you because this comes up so often in households where physical violence is a thing, Where emotional violence is a thing, Where sexual violence is a thing. There's something I talked about on a previous episode about generational grief that gets passed down through timelines, Not only because of what we're teaching each other, But the energy that gets passed down, The unspoken knowledge of control, Not control, And violence and not violence and all these things like that. I want to talk about the phrase, They did the best they could with what they had. Has that ever been comforting to you? Do you believe that about yourself? I don't – it's funny. Wow, You asked a really good question. Thank you. I don't believe that about myself. I actually hold myself to a much higher standard. That's funny that you say that because now that I'm thinking about it, I don't say that about myself. I don't say, Well, I did the best I could with what I had. I'm like, No, I can do better. I have learned a lot of compassion for myself because I'm like, I'm 35. I don't feel like beating myself up anymore. I have become much kinder to myself surprisingly throughout all of this. With my parents, What I mean by that is they're immigrants and I'm not making excuses. I'm just telling you the facts. They're immigrants. They've come from India in 1974 wanting a better life for their kids, Very different culture, Very different mindset. My mom grew up kind of poor. My dad grew up in a little bit of a dramatic, Chaotic household. His father wasn't a really great father. They brought to the table as parents with whatever they got as kids, Right? So how can I expect them to be any better than what they were given unless they had this heightened sense of self-awareness that it's like, Huh, I think I should look at my parenting style. No, When you're trying to raise two kids and you are an immigrant in this country and you're trying to just make ends meet, You're not thinking about how to become a better parent. I'm sorry. You're not. You're trying to get to work, Come back and pay the bills and raise two daughters, Right? My sister and I to become good Indian girls. Do you know what I mean? They did the best they could with what they had. I can sit and I can blame them all I want. And then I just end up getting really frustrated because I cannot change the past and I cannot change what happened. And I most definitely cannot change them. It sounds like you're a person who is absolutely refusing to live in the past. I refuse. I absolutely refuse. And by the way, I do go to therapy every week. And of course we visit stuff from the past, But I always want to look at, Well, What can I do about it now? Because there is, I feel so powerless when I sit. I do talk about the past. Don't get me wrong, But I feel powerless sitting and dwelling in it. I use the past as a tool to help me understand where I'm at right now. I do not use it as, Well, See, It's because mom said this that I do this. That could be true, Okay? But what am I going to do about it now as a grown adult? Do you know what I'm saying? So I don't like sitting in the past. Yes, Very good observation. Fast forwarding a little bit now, I want to talk to you about those 18 hours. And you kind of got onto a miniature runaway with, I am no different than, No better than anybody that I'm sitting next to. I want to know how was this humbling for you? How was this leveling as a human experience? I kind of want to talk about like, Brene Brown calls it day two. You can't skip day two, Which is the darkness of analyzing the experience that you're having and just kind of sitting in that depth of, Oh shit, This is what just happened. Sit there with me for a minute. Tell me what that's like. Well, It's funny because the ego part of me was sitting there and looking at men coming in for drunk driving or abuse and women coming in with DWIs. And I'm sitting there being like, What the hell? I don't belong here. Look at these people, Quote unquote, These people. Look at these people. And so it's funny because it's funny who we put ourselves above or who we put ourselves below. And in that moment, I was like, Oh my God, What am I doing in here? You know what I mean? And I knew why the hell I was in there. You know what I mean? But as time went on, It gave me a lot of time to think because we have 18 hours with no television, No computer, No phone, No one to really talk to except the other inmates. It just had me really think about myself more than anything and not focus so much on anybody else and be like, Wait a minute, The only person I can control and I have any control over is myself. I have found in business and in our personal lives, Whenever we idolize somebody or we put ourselves subordinate to somebody, That's just not a good, Healthy place to be because it's this constant flipping of better than, Less than versus just focusing on yourself. And I have never really been anyone to judge and be like, Oh, I'm better than you. No, Not at all. But in that moment, I could feel that part of me flare up. I think that part of me is within everybody. We all have that. We all have that, Well, I'm better than this person or I'm not as good enough as this person, Whatever. But that feeling was flared up for that time that I was there, Not the entire time. It was like, I don't belong here. I'm so much better than these people. I mean, Look at these people. They're such trash. These are the things that I'm saying to myself. What the higher self part of me came in, I am very lucky I don't stay too long in ego. The higher self came in and said, Wait a minute, As long as you're sitting here comparing yourself and making yourself better than the other person or less than, You're never going to be able to focus on yourself. Let's focus on you, Vasavi. Literally, This is the conversation in my head. I stopped focusing on everybody else. I don't care if this person has a DWI. I don't know her story. She could be, You know what I mean, Drunk because she just found out her husband cheated on her. Who knows? I don't know and I don't care. It's not my problem. Even if we're looking in business, Shelby, I'm sure you know this, It's so easy to compare ourselves to people online, To online gurus and this person. Look at this person, Has these many followers. Who cares? Do you know what I mean? It's like, It just really, I got so clear, So clear, Which is why I do not compare myself at all in business to other people and I don't think I've ever compared myself in business, But if there was ever any doubt that I was going to start doing that, I stopped because in that moment, For those 18 hours, I had to focus on myself for those, The amount of time that I was there because I could either sit and compare myself to everybody else and avoid looking at myself or I could really spend that time to speculate as to what the hell I was doing in there. Like how did I get here? You know what I mean? So that was the main question. How did I freaking get, How did I get here? It wasn't the I, Like the higher self Vasavi, It was the broken, Ego, Codependent, Needy, Angry, Wounded child Vasavi that landed herself in jail. That's who that was and I am very clear about that distinction because the higher self Vasavi would not have landed herself there at all, But I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I do and I am grateful for that experience that I went through. I'm taking a lot of notes as I'm talking to you because you have a lot of, You highlight talking points as you speak, Which is so phenomenal. I have control and comparison underlined right now. I said they're sisters, But when we lose control, We stop comparing. I want to know, And I just get chills as I say that because this is like a divine download moment happening. What brings you to a place where you lose control? Oh, That's so great. In that moment, Okay, So I will take you guys back into the actual assault. What triggered the assault was the feeling of you are going to leave me and you don't love me and I don't matter and I am completely irrelevant. It's the same feeling that I've had since I was a kid, Which is why I'm going through EMDR, Which is your listeners own. Yeah, So I'm going through EMDR with my therapy. I don't know what that is because I'm familiar, But they may not be. To be honest, I don't know the acronym, But it is, Oh, Sorry. It's eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy. I'm doing that with my therapist where we're highlighting one or two key events in my childhood and looking at what I made it mean. There's this one moment in my. . . As early as three years old that I remember where I felt so invisible and I felt so irrelevant with my mother. We're doing EMDR on that, Basically tapping into different parts of the brain to help you desensitize over painful events that have happened in the past. In that moment that had me lose control, I would say the number one thing that makes me lose control is whenever I feel that I have become irrelevant or I am not being seen and I'm not being heard. That's some deep crap. It is some deep crap. It is crap, I will tell you that, But it has controlled my life and it controlled my life up until I went to jail. Honestly, That is why I lost control because I, In that moment with my boyfriend, Felt like he did not see me, Really see me. He was not hearing me. He did not give a crap about me and so I hit him with a broomstick. That's what I did. That's the truth. I've never talked about this out loud. I hit him with a broomstick, Not on the face, On the arm, But multiple times. Then I called the police and then I went to jail, Which I deserved, But it was triggered by the fact that I really thought that you don't give a crap about me and I've done so much for you. You tattled on yourself? I'm an idiot, Okay? I called the cops thinking I was all cool. I'm like, I'm going to get the cops to arrest you. I was out of control. My anger is an animal. I called the cops. They came and I was for sure that he was going to go to jail, But you know what? I was wrong. I mean, Obviously, The truth will always win and I lost. Why was he going to jail? In your mind, Why was he going to jail? I don't know because I was completely taken over by my anger. When you're that angry, You are so irrational. You know what I mean? In my mind, I was like, I was wrong. He doesn't love me and so I'm going to spin it in a way that you're wrong. Literally, It was like three-year-old Vasavi trying to be seen and heard. The judge and the jury for your spirit in that moment. Oh my God, Yes. The judge and the jury. Yes. I can sit and be like, They were racist and they were this and they were that, But no, I hit another human being and I have forgiven myself for that. He has forgiven me for that. When I had to sit and really think about in the following weeks, Because we had a protective order so I couldn't even contact him, I had a lot of time to think about, Holy crap, I hit another human being. I abused another human being and then I said, I abused myself in the process. You know what I mean? It's not just about him. I hurt myself in the process. It's been a lot of rebuilding. It's been a lot of rebuilding internally for me. I have a question for you. Please. I mean, This is an interview, So of course I have millions of questions for you. You literally said, I hit another human being. You have to sit there with that thought. Are you scared of yourself? I am so terrified of my anger. I am so terrified of my anger, Which is why I'm so excited for my anger management course because my anger has been my weakness. You won't see it if you're a client or you won't see it if you're a friend. You'll see it if you're my intimate partner. I have one failed marriage. I was with a lovely man for 10 years and we were married for up until almost three and then I left him. Even with my partner now, Great guy. I mean, We all have our downfalls or whatever, But it was the same crap over again, Same stuff in my marriage with him, With my current partner. Intimacy is scary for me. Intimacy is very, Very scary for me and I'm working on it. That's all I can say. I'm not perfect. That's why I don't do relationship advice for people. I actually have really good relationship advice. You know what I mean? Isn't that funny? Oh, It's hilarious. I know what great communication is. I communicate very, Very well, But in an intimate partnership, When those wounds are not healed and when you're still operating from child, Broken child, Wounded child, It's going to ruin your relationships. It is. That's where I'm at right now. I am afraid of my anger. I've worked very hard, Like weekly therapy books, Listening, Meditation, Breathing, Doing everything I can. I feel more in control of my anger than I've ever felt before. There's obviously more to learn. There is so much to learn about myself, About ourselves. That's where I'm at right now. What was the first step back for you? The first step for me, Actually, And it's always, This is not just with the jail, The first step always for me to actually fix something or to move forward is to accept 100% responsibility. That is my number one, First and foremost, Even before the comparison is like, I did this. I did this. I created this. I am here because of what I did. That is the best way for me to move forward because once I know that I did it, I is the only thing that I have control over. You're talking to someone who likes control, Right? Instead of trying to control my boyfriend or what my parents think or the people in jail or the officers or the whatever, I can only control Vassavi and that's it. That's why my first step always in any area of life is to accept responsibility that I did this, That my life right now is a result of the series of decisions and actions that I have taken throughout the course of my life. I did this. That's brilliant. This falls into a category of what I like to call this came up in episode four for me is the griefs that we create or the losses that we create in our lives because there are losses we do not create like death when people are quote unquote taken from us. But then there are losses we create in our lives, Whether it's actions we take ourselves or career shifts that we choose to make or breakups that we choose to start putting into motion these actions and plans. You're right that it is the first step really is to take 100% responsibility, Not even necessarily for what has happened, But for your response to it, For the fact that it is happening in your life and your emotions, Your mental state, Your physical state in relation to everything that's happened. I want to jump into concrete resources. I know you pointed out directly EMDR as something that is helping you come back from this loss, But are there any specific author speakers, Coaches, Whoever that is helping you come back in this process as well? I would say you would have to go searching for this. This is not a direct resource, But I will say this, If you need therapy, There's nothing wrong with that. Okay? And so find yourself a therapist, Especially if you are in the profession of giving to other people, You have to ask yourself who is giving to you, Who is listening to you. So I would definitely say, Go and seek out a therapist. Go to psychologytoday. Com and find someone in your area that you can, I mean, I'm actually a licensed social worker, Oddly enough, You know what I mean? So it's funny. It's not funny at all, Actually. It makes total sense, But I would say go to psychologytoday. Com, Find yourself a therapist. If you suffer from anger, Then I would say there are probably local organizations that offer at a very reasonable price anger management courses. The other thing, I had a book that I, And it will come back to me, It's all about how the fact that our past, Like we don't have to take so much responsibility. And the name of the book is called It Didn't Start With You by Mark Wolin, W-O-L-Y-N-N. And it just talks about how inherited family trauma shapes who we are and how to end the cycle. Oh, I have to read that. I'm so excited. Oh my God. I know. I know. I'm not. . . Didn't start with you. I'm underlining this right now. It didn't start with you. Especially if you're one of those people that takes full responsibility like I do. See, I'm all about taking responsibility, But there is a point where it's to a fault. Yes. Yes. You take the weight, You take the weight, You take the weight, You take the weight, And you're like, Wait a minute. When do I get to be resentful? When do I get to be pissed that this is my life? When do I get to be. . . There's some justification like, Hey, I didn't ask for this. I didn't ask for this story. I didn't ask for these parents. I didn't ask for this culture. I didn't ask for this life. And energetically, Spiritually, The universe might say different, But there's some point where I think it's personally healthy to sometimes just shake our fist at the sky. And I think that by the way, Just because you realize that you've inherited a lot of family trauma does not mean that you're being a victim. And so I want. . . So you can be a victim of something, But not be a victim to it. Does that make sense? Recognition is not victimization. I love it. Yes, Exactly. Yes, Exactly. So recognizing it doesn't make you a victim. And I have had to learn that. I've had to learn that. I'm going to be honest that it's like, Wow, I did grow up in a house that's really chaotic. And if I try to talk about it with my mom, She gets really defensive. And then I learned, Don't talk about this with her. That's why you have a therapist. And then also understanding who to talk to. Do not try to get water from a stone. You're never going to get it. And so having the right people to talk to, If you know your mom is extremely defensive and she is not one to apologize, Then what are you doing telling her all the time about how you feel? Because that's where you have to let go and say some people will never change. And then at that point you have to change yourself. Our parents are just people. Our parents are just people. And I've had to learn that she's just a person. She's a person and it's not her job to soothe my wounds anymore. It's not her job. That's actually a very liberating feeling, Shelby. I got to be honest. It is to relieve your parents of having to get everything right. And then conversely relieving yourself of having to get everything right on your end as well. Yeah. Holy crap. Yeah. Yes. Especially, And I'll tell, You know, This is coming up for me lately as someone who has experienced loss of a parent. There's that from beyond the grave of they still couldn't get anything right because they died. And that's a whole other battle that you have to face spiritually. But there has been a lot of releasing for me on a personal level lately of my mom was a person. And that still falls into place with what I asked you earlier about the best they could with what they had. That recognition of humanity in these people who were supposed to be everything for us. It's interesting holding those two pictures in your mind at the same time, Parent picture and human picture. I want to talk about your identity, Who you were then or before the assault and who you are now and kind of how you incorporate the assault, Your anger, This need for control also with your identity as a major public figure, As a social worker, As a daughter, As an Ivy League graduate. Like how do you incorporate this assault into your life now? What's different? You know, I got to be honest with you, Of course. Before the assault, I would say I was very addicted to my story. The fact that I'm not lovable, The fact that I'm not attractive, The fact that you don't care about me, The fact that I'm irrelevant, The fact that I'm invisible, That story that is so ingrained in my DNA. I was so addicted to that story because I wanted to be right. I wanted to be right that I wasn't lovable. We're always looking for evidence as to why we can be right about our story. And that was my story. And does it still show up? Absolutely. But that's who I was before who I am now. I'm going to be honest because this just happened in March. I'm a lot quieter internally. I'm a lot quieter. I have a lot better boundaries with others and myself. I have boundaries with myself. I mean, Here we are talking about boundaries with other people, But I have boundaries with myself, How I allow myself to talk to myself. I don't know if that makes sense. I won't allow myself to treat myself in a certain way. So I have better boundaries within myself, For myself, How I treat myself. We always think about boundaries in terms of external, Like, Oh, I won't let so-and-so talk to me this way. Okay. Are you going to talk to yourself that way though? So I'm, Yeah. So, Screw other people, No offense. You know what I mean? You got to start with yourself. So I'm expecting kindness from the world. I'm expecting acceptance from the world, But I got to give it to myself. And so that's where I'm at right now is that giving myself what I want from everybody else, Especially as it pertains to intimate relationships. I'm also kind of sad. I am my moments of sadness. I do. I mean, I cry like once a day for sure. It's a lot of decompressing, Letting go in my body from everything that's happened. It's a lot of anxiety. Having been arrested, Having to go to court multiple times, Having to pay $3, 000 in bail, $5, 000 in lawyer fees, All out of pocket, Which is fine. I had the money to pay it, Not a big deal, But I just go into that process not knowing what's going to happen. Having to deal with the disapproval of my parents because I'm still with my boyfriend. There's a lot. There's a lot. There's a lot. And also still running a business and also providing for other people emotionally and being a resource and getting paid for it and also making sure I'm not ruining my credibility. And now I don't even care quite frankly. It's like, Okay, If you can't see past what I'm telling you and you don't want to work with me, That's fine. You know, Like that's where I'm at. To come to a place where you're like, Fuck it. Oh my God. I'm so glad you said the F word. Yeah. Totally. Okay, Good. As long as we're dropping the F bomb. Yeah. Like I did share right ahead. I shared with my list about not the details of what happened. I shared that I got arrested. I shared that I got dismissed and I always market to my list and I'm kind of sharing great things with them and no one has taken me up. Not no one. Business has been a little slower than usual. It's just picking back up because I have a lot of podcast interviews that have just gone out and so I get all my business from podcasts, Surprisingly. Oh, That's beautiful. I love that. Yeah. No, It's really cool because I think once someone actually hears your story, They're like, Oh wow, You're human. Exactly. But people on my list, I love them dearly and I think people might be disappointed. They might be like, Wait a minute, Vasavi, I put you on a pedestal. I didn't ask you to do that. I didn't ask you to put me on a pedestal. I sure as hell don't put myself on a pedestal. Business has been slow and that's been a good thing because I've had a lot of time to self-introspect. I've been making money in very creative ways, Fun ways that I actually enjoy. I love the clients that I do work with. They are very loyal customers, I have to be honest. So where I'm at now, I was scared, Definitely scared. I'm not as scared anymore because I think I've kind of just seen everything pan out. I think when I found out my case was dismissed so soon because my lawyer said it was going to take over a year and it literally got dismissed within like four months. You know what I mean? That for me was like, Wow, Someone's looking out for me. So I just have ultimate faith that it's all going to work out. It's going to work out. It always does. Honestly, That's how I feel. I have a tremendous amount of faith in something greater than myself. I have my moments of doubt, But my moments of faith are higher and greater. So that's where I'm at right now. In like two sentences, I want to know what do you tell yourself in darkness? What do you cling to? Oh my God. Girl, How do you ask these questions? They're so good. Oh my God. I would love to get back on. This is so much fun. Yes, I would love to. What do I tell myself? Okay, So I've got to just tell you a little quick background. It's like 30 seconds. Okay, So when I was a kid and actually to this day, My parents don't call me Vasavi. They call me Vachi, Vachi, V-A-C-H-I, Vachi. That's my nickname at home. So in moments of darkness, I say, Vachi, You're going to be okay. That's what I say to myself. I said, You're going to be okay, Vachi. I literally talk to myself and I say, Vachi, You're going to be okay. And do you believe it? 100%. 100%. Yeah. I suffer when I don't. I suffer when I don't. When I don't believe it is when I suffer the greatest. I'm much happier when I believe that everything is going to be okay. When I start to freak out and start to lose my shit and start to act like a crazy woman is when I suffer and the people around me suffer the most. When my faith goes up and my belief goes up and my trust is great, Then I'm happier because you know what? I can sit and enjoy the hell out of my suffering, Which I've done for 35 years. Or I can sit and say, You know what? It's going to freaking be okay. As it will be, Because I made it this far.