We're really calling on grace today.
A lot of you really need to feel it.
Don't worry if you're not feeling it,
It's there.
Your body is just learning how to open to it.
Takes a while for the cells of our bodies.
To be able to.
Feel great.
Before that,
We may feel edgy.
It's the Betul Eco coming up.
Used to their not being loved.
We move through this.
And our bodies,
Cells of our bodies,
We relax into the love.
That is everywhere.
And me today.
May we really relax into it.
Into this love.
And so it is.
There are a lot of threads today.
I'm going to talk a little bit at first.
I remember when my best friend at the time,
We were about 25,
And she had her first baby,
Maybe she was 27.
And she'd been at school and in university for years.
And she was in a very competitive kind of medical program.
And suddenly she went to having a baby.
She almost had a mental breakdown with it.
The difference between her training.
To consume knowledge and be a star student.
And then the ancient.
Biological process and the spiritual truth behind that process of giving birth to an infant,
To another human being.
Okay,
You guys,
That is the stress you experience doing this work.
Okay,
It's exactly that.
It's shifting from one way of living to another.
Yeah,
It is that big of a step.
And it is that unsettling sometimes.
You know,
It's just that we have been extremely imprinted.
With a way of thinking.
Perceiving life that is now falling away.
So our old way of living is no longer safe.
It never was,
But we could go along in the machine of society that way.
And now even that's not working.
So we need a lot of.
You guys,
Self-compassion,
Self-understanding,
Cut yourself some slack.
And understand that you are oriented.
To consume,
To take pills,
To have something explained in a box-like fashion,
And you parrot it back.
And the spiritual journey does not work like that at all.
It is like giving birth.
It's like pregnancy and birth.
It's like it has a wisdom.
The process has a wisdom far beyond us.
And it will just do its thing,
No matter what our head is doing.
And our head can scream away.
And Premasuddha's head has,
But it's useless.
So the important thing is to be very,
Very gentle with yourselves as much as possible with this.
If you can just,
I mean.
This is the training to.
Begin to allow the creator's point of view,
Alma's point of view,
To come in and give you a bigger perspective.
More peace and more patience.
Yeah,
Some of you have really hit a wall and this is why I'm slowing it down in the sense of not.
Not in a bad way,
Is sort of like if any mom knows.
If you're walking with a toddler,
If you pull on that toddler and rush things and everything,
You get a tantrum.
This'll work.
You walk in the baby lane.
Respect,
And love for the child.
And that is kind of what we're doing because.
You know,
Not that many of us have had many years on the journey.
Again,
I want to talk about.
The difference between how you think.
Think life is,
How you've been raised to think of life.
And how it really is.
And I want to talk about.
.
.
For it.
Okay,
So.
You know,
We go like,
Okay,
Trees grow and it's kind of a competitive process.
The tallest tree gets the most light.
You know,
There's a competition for resources and light in the forest.
Maybe partly,
But there is a whole other thing going on.
And one of the main things is that.
The tree.
Actually doesn't grow through its root system.
As much as it draws.
As it's created from the air.
And I'll tell you how.
There was this 16th century scientists.
And he planted a tree.
That weighed a willow tree,
I think,
And it weighed five pounds.
And.
First,
I can't find that.
And he had 200 pounds of dry soil.
So he watered this willow for five years.
At the end of five years,
The tree which had started off as a five pound sapling weighed 169 pounds.
So it gained 164 pounds.
But when he weighed the soil,
You know,
He dried out the soil and it was weighed.
Two ounces had been lost.
So this tree manifested out of the air,
Basically,
You guys.
The tree draws in carbon dioxide into its leaves.
And it drips,
It splits basically the carbon atom.
From the oxygen.
And it.
Uses the carbon to make cellulose fiber.
Which end.
Whole,
I won't go into the whole how it's done,
But basically this carbon makes the wood and the trunk and everything,
And it breathes out oxygen.
For us.
Okay,
This is very different than we think.
The other thing that's different is there is Across all forests,
There are basically two strands of fungi.
And through this fungi.
The trees communicate with each other and even share resources.
This is really,
Really strong.
So if trees who have are,
You know,
They've got enough water,
They will send water through this fungi system.
To other trees that are lacking it.
As well as nutrients trees in.
Higher nutrient soil will send the excess.
Yeah,
It's lovely.
It's just lovely.
It's love,
You guys.
It is love in the physical.
And it's even more.
Do you know that the oldest trees are called the mother trees?
And they are big communicational hubs.
They will be communicating with hundreds of trees.
And this is just so touching.
They are particularly generous to their offspring.
The children?
The saplings.
That are the children of these mother trees.
Get an abundance of nutrients,
They get the nutrients first or the water first before anybody else.
Remember,
I've talked about how the whole universe is actually like the family in a way that some of these principles just keep running through all aspects of our physical body.
World.
Yeah,
There it is.
And of course,
You know,
With the clear cut logging,
Which Which trees are prized and get logged?
The mother trees,
These really huge ones,
And this leaves.
The trees in the forest,
The remaining ones kind of orphaned.
Yeah,
And this is the cost of our,
I want to say stupidity,
Willful stupidity,
You know,
That we keep saying the meaning of life is to have a monster house and be a billionaire and have a private jet,
You know,
It's like,
Okay.
What we think is going on in the world is very different from what is actually happening.
And that's kind of what the satsang is about.
It is difficult for us.
It's upsetting.
Our world tips.
It's like every time there's a big shift in understanding,
You know,
There's a big push back from the status quo,
Always.
And then they spend 300 years trying to persuade the status quo.
And finally,
After 300 years,
It becomes a new normal.
What we're like.
And in some ways,
It's the way we have to be,
Because we have to be stable enough to evolve on Earth plane.
If we all were too fluid in our understanding,
It could become incredibly destabilized.
And also Yeah,
It's just life on the earth plane is like that.
However,
You know,
We're in the shift away from more of a the old way of thinking to a new way where we stay more constantly in touch with nature.
The truth with our true nature.
And,
You know,
We'll be a lot happier.
But you guys,
The transition is not always pleasant.
And I really want to say this to you,
It can be very,
Very uncomfortable.
You know,
And sometimes we haven't had many lives.
Um,
Of training.
We haven't addressed spirituality in many lives.
So we may be,
You know.
.
.
Just like a child who comes to kindergarten very unprepared.
And it's okay.
It's okay,
However we are.
It's okay.
One of the things those.
Somebody in the group who's who's been on the journey for a while.
And she's understanding more coming into the heart.
So what's happening is,
Her health is getting better.
Her strength,
Her health.
She's digesting her food better because she loves herself more.
And even her hair looks sparkling.
You can really spot it.
Okay,
This is where this work weaves first.
When you're really doing it.
That is what will show up first.
And when you do that,
Then your life changes because your whole organism is beginning to vibrate at a different consciousness,
At a different vibration,
And at a more self-loving consciousness where you love the creator,
You love and accept yourself.
And by doing that,
You love and accept the creator within you.
Okay,
This is very different from our taking a pill or.
You know,
Seven days to enlightenment.
Or,
You know,
Eat this food and take it.
Completely different.
But this works.
If you've got the patience,
It works.
If you've got the patience and the will,
To keep going.
You know,
There's a.
.
.
I remember saying somebody was talking to somebody who wanted to go into medicine,
But they said,
You know,
It's five years or seven years.
It seems so.
Too long.
And the person said,
You know,
Those seven years are going to pass anyway.
So at the end of the seven years,
You're either going to be a doctor or not.
But those seven years will pass.
And it's sort of like on the journey,
You know.
We all get our death bets.
Nothing can take that away from you guys.
So it's like how deeply do you want to live?
Do you want to live with this full understanding that you're responsible and you're going to get your own deathbed and whatever unresolved garbage you've got?
Will come up then.
But you can do it now.
So that you have a.
.
.
An accepting.
Transcendent deathbed rather than one where you're scared and all the old stuff is coming up.
And yet,
At the same time,
You know,
When I say this stuff,
I mean,
I can feel you guys going,
Oh,
And I'm not wanting to push you at all,
Like the opposite.
Opposite.
I actually want to hold you.
I just want to hold you,
Especially today or in the next while,
Just kind of hold you.
So you can catch your breath.
Calm down.
And realize the spiritual journey is just weird,
But as you go through it,
Your understanding.
Will grow and you'll.
You'll see the beauty in it.
And you'll see why things had to happen.
I can feel there's kind of a cleansing energy.
It's.
It's sort of like,
I'm seeing it like a spring.
A water,
A spring of pure water,
Pure energy.
That is.
Um,
Sort of.
Even though some of you are caught in your armor.
This ring of clear energy has made a a hole in it,
Kind of made a,
There's a crack in it.
And that's everything.
Once you get that crack,
That little flow,
That little sense of the bigger understanding,
Then the whole armor will fade away.
Get a sense of the bigger love so you can kind of relax.
See you guys with the words.
Like the brilliance of Alma hugging.
I mean,
I see it more and more.
Because the word is just like with my friends.
With her seven or eight years doing very intense.
And then she has a baby.
It's exactly what I'm trying to help you guys,
Help you have this baby.
Okay,
Relax in two.
The baby of your new understanding.
Of a more soul-based understanding.
And the other thing.
And this is really,
Really important.
She felt very weak.
And very vulnerable.
And this was very,
Very,
Very upsetting to her.
This was her worst nightmare.
The kid feel vulnerable.
And we.
Because.
She was opening to a much deeper level.
Much deeper level of living.
Any of us who've had children,
We know that birth changes a woman dramatically.
She before the birth process,
She's a woman and.
After the birth process,
She's a mother.
With a very different psychology.
That's what happens on the journey.
You give birth to yourself.
You become somebody very different.
In the best possible way.
But those feelings of vulnerability and weakness will come up.
Okay.
You guys,
These feelings are under underneath our egos.
They're how the child felt.
You embrace them and pray.
Amma,
The creator,
Will come into your body and mind.
You will start embodying your truth.
Cut yourself some slack.
Take naps,
Whatever you need to do.
Whatever you need to do.
But keep taking those feelings of vulnerability and weakness to the creator.
Because if you really do it,
The creator will come through with enormous strength.
You will start feeling the invincible nature of your soul.
This is what I did.
This is what improves our health.
You guys,
That is what we use.
The creator and.
So that we digest our food better and our overall health better.
Improves.
You know,
Somebody might be on the journey and think they're not doing a good job,
They might see all the things that are still wrong,
But if they're feeling stronger and they're moving into higher cellular health,
Like higher good health at a cellular level.
That's it.
That is the Tao.
That is the way of the Tao.
And they might even be criticized by other people as not a great spiritual student,
As kind of a wimp.
Really,
This is how crazy it gets.
This work is very Zen and it's very much the way of the Tao.
And it is very much not in the usual tribal consciousness.
That is our norm,
That's coming from particularly our patriarchy.
It is really not that.
Although there is a tribal level at a fellowship level,
You know.
And I say,
You have to turn up on time.
You know,
Kind of a very,
Very loose tribal thing.
Very,
Very loose.
And this is the thing that we are almost learning disabled in.
We know about the tribal level.
This,
What this work is,
We don't know about at all.
We were scared of it often.
It is everything that has not been allowed as we learned this tribal level.
And Prema Siddha would say that's why it's so precious.
Really?
And uncommon.
You know,
Rumi has a beautiful,
Beautiful poem.
About how.
You know as you keep going on the journey what happens is The creator pulls the thorn out of your hand.
And sends you to a rose-scented land.
That's what love does,
You guys.
Pulls the thorn out of our hand and sends us to a rose-filled land.
But if you believe in the thorn in your hand,
More than you're open to the possibility of a rose-filled land,
You're going to stay there.
You're not going to walk,
You're not going to let yourself be moved into the rose-filled land.
You'll argue.
You'll argue.
Believe me.
I know it well.
But you know,
The other thing is.
That it might take years to get.
To the point where you let the creator lift the thorn from your hand.
Move to the Rosefield lab.
And Alma says.
That sometimes we have to use a thorn to dislodge the thorn.
But in the final analysis,
The creator actually lives.
Thor in a way.
We grow out of it.
We grow out of that way of thinking.
You just grow beyond it.
You no longer think that way at all.
And that's what's hard for us to imagine,
Like thinking.
So differently.
In fact,
You know what?
Enlightenment,
You know all the journey is.
You change your ideas about yourself.
Okay,
I want you to hear that.
You change your ideas about yourself.
So instead of walking around going I don't know I'm a miserable sinner I'm like I don't know I failed so many times or whatever you go,
You kind of go wow.
I'm this.
Love-filled person.
On this gift,
You feel the gift.
You feel the gift of who you truly are.
And you can do it all along the journey.
You feel more and more what a gift you are in your essence.
And at the same time,
You can see what's abstracting your essence,
You see how your ego functions,
But all that is comes after years and some of you are just real beginners and you're kind of like you're wanting the PhD treat training,
And it's like,
You know.
There's some.
There's some really basic things to go through before you can get the higher understanding.
One of the things in aboriginal cultures,
You guys,
There is often a sort of one.
Initiation available,
Say,
To young men.
Know,
There's one practice where they're like put up on a top of a and there's no food or drink for three days.
End.
If the young man taps into the transcendent,
You know,
Praise to God in his discomfort.
Abandonment,
And loneliness.
And taps into something.
Then he gets through it.
But what also could happen.
Is somebody doesn't get through it and they're left emotionally crippled.
They're like a half-born shaman and they're stuck there.
Yeah,
And in these cultures,
You'd be stuck there and what would happen is they would either be taken care of,
By the tribe for the rest of their life.
Or in some cases they were killed because it was considered that it would hurt the genetics of the tribe,
That it would you know,
Having people who'd refused this initiation and were then,
You know,
Basically stuck in mental illness.
That couldn't function properly.
Okay,
But in The great thing about our culture is we don't have these initiations.
But there is no ceiling and you have many,
Many kicks at the can,
You have many,
Many times to try.
You can just keep trying your whole life.
There's nothing.
That says,
Oh,
You failed and you can't do this anymore.
You just keep going.
So in Premasudha's example,
I just went through it all and just didn't stop.
Right,
Okay,
Good.
Good,
You got that.
You just keep going.
And you can finish with the teacher and start with another one.
It's like.
You've got to be careful that you just don't go around to different teachers and then when your ego's challenged,
You disconnect and go to another teacher.
I'm not talking about that.
But there's some,
Like,
I couldn't go farther with Abraham.
I needed Amma.
I had to find a new teacher.
I'm hoping that you guys feel held and secure enough.
Safe enough.
Yeah,
And some of you have trouble with safety and I get it,
You know.
Were I get it.
You can't force it.
You can't force it,
You guys.
Don't force it.
This way.
Just keep going.
See if there's some small improvements to your health,
Really.
See if there's some small improvements in your habits even.
And maybe there's a little bit of an ability to be able to witness yourself more.
Even if you don't really know fully how to witness yourself,
Maybe you can go Maybe you can see,
Hey,
I'm going down a dark hole of thoughts.
I don't have to do this.
The thing is,
Many of you want to learn to witness.
In order to learn to be clear enough to witness,
Remember a couple of weeks ago I talked about that we were going to be focused on becoming clear.
This is what all this is.
Becoming clear.
You can't really.
Become the witness.
You cannot engage in the witness consciousness until you've tapped into your soul.
Until you've gone deep enough.
That you've tapped into your true energy and you can tell the difference between your ego and your true energy.
At least a little bit.
Many of you haven't done that.
You guys,
By the line,
It will hurt.
It will hurt.
To tap into your soul because what you'll have to go through to get there is your ego.
And you will have to feel the sorrow underneath your ego.
And this is why it's a.
Good idea not to rush,
Like don't rush.
You'll just be brought to these steps as you're ready organically.
And you need time to have dreams,
To work something out in your dreams.
To maybe have a friendship,
A relation,
Who knows?
Go Siyama,
Get a hug,
It's the best.
Who knows what you have to go through,
But I'll tell you,
You won't move into witnessing until you do this.
Until you've like.
.
.
It's like drilling for oil or looking for gold until you find the gold.
To go down on the gold.
And then you can witness.
But don't rush it or force it.
I mean,
It's destabilizing enough to learn how to witness.
It has to be done gradually.
Alma really talks about do things gradually.
The trouble is some people just don't do it at all.
It's so gradual.
It's the happy medium.
I hope this is.
Becoming clear.
You know,
If you just remind yourself that You know,
Think of my kids.
Friend with seven years of You know.
80-hour weeks.
Of study.
Classes.
EDR weeks endlessly.
And then she has a baby.
And she's just.
Almost out of her head with it.
It's like learning to look at the world differently,
Gradually.
Like what I'm telling you about the trees and some of the scientific processes behind our reality to help to help you see that everything is not as it looks.
Same with the journey.
We think it's like,
Okay,
I can get this.
I'll try hard and get it.
You can try really hard in a forcing way and never get anywhere.
Please understand the creator has intelligence that you don't know fully.
Can I put it tactfully like that?
I'm not saying be humble.
I'm saying maybe this creator has an intelligence that you don't know about.
If you want to know the creator,
The creator will show you how to.
The Creator will do it for you.
Creator will make sure.
That you have your opening if you really,
Really want it.
You basically can't avoid it if you really want it and you just keep going.
I'll tell you something that's really valued in heaven,
From heaven.
There was a woman,
I've mentioned this before,
About 50 years ago,
Before there was any kind of spiritual awakening.
And she'd had an opening,
But she didn't know what it was.
She didn't have the access to the Eastern literature or anything.
So this woman spent.
And this is one of the saddest stories I've ever heard.
Spend about 25 years.
Going around to therapists looking for help.
She didn't get it because she was talking about levels of pain and understanding that are beyond the conventional therapist's know-how.
Now,
From heaven's perspective.
Because this woman.
.
.
Didn't turn away.
She kept going.
She kept trying.
Even though it seemed that no you know,
The reward for doing it was just breadcrumbs.
For years and years of basically agony and staying on it and not denying that level,
Refusing to deny that level,
Not turning away.
Knowing there was something there.
And then she died.
And,
You know,
I don't know what her deathbed was like.
Maybe she made a huge leap.
But from heaven's perspective,
She was like a star pupil.
And I'll tell you,
The next life she has.
She will get total spiritual support.
This is what happens when we live one life like that.
The next life,
The problem is solved and the answers are woven in closely.
Yeah,
You guys.
We have impact.
What we do matters and it has impact.
And were loved.
And if we're going the right way,
Towards the Creator,
Which is the source of everything and true reality,
Then the Creator likes.
That we take one step for the creator and 1,
000 steps,
Or one step to Amish does 1,
000 steps for us.
We might not see them.
You guys don't always know what even Premasut is doing for you.
Yeah,
You don't know.
It's okay.
It's okay.
It's my bliss.
It's okay.
Healing of.
A seed sprouting very gently.
Very gently in the heart.
No rush,
You guys.
The thing is,
The other thing I want to say to you is in our time.
This separation is coming up.
So we have AI.
You know,
And we have humanity.
Like we're playing it out.
In a way,
I see AI like a runaway ego.
That may turn around and try to kill us,
You know?
And if it's used properly,
It can help us and our egos.
The more as we go on the journey,
The more we go on the journey,
The more our ego tries to help us,
You guys,
There's a point in the journey about halfway through.
Maybe a little later than that.
There's a point where the ego shifts and it tries to help on the spiritual journey.
And the joke is,
Its help is very clumsy.
It's like a little kid trying to help you make dinner and it's like it actually slows down the whole process.
You have to deal with the errors.
So that's what happened.
And then as you deal with the errors of this ego,
It dies.
It dies in a complete way.
Even its attempts to help aren't good enough.
It just gives up and dies.
Team up.
Out.
All this takes You know,
Like I said,
Amma likes a slow journey with a self-realization in old age.
It's like the slow journey is a stable journey.
Is safer than trying to push the river.
And sometimes by going slow.
Go faster.
You see afterwards that it wasn't slow at all,
It was really fast.
And maybe you do a shift of 25 lives that involve misunderstandings of 25 lives.
And that's why it seems slow or why you felt like you plateaued.
There's no rush,
You guys,
You're all there.
You're all beautiful.
You know,
I just get fierce when.
.
.
You know,
Sometimes it's like.
.
.
You know,
You think of when,
Any time you say.
I'll put avatars.
Are the most patient because they know you'll do it this life or the next.
Premasutra is not as patient as an avatar.
But I'm pretty patient.
I am,
I'm pretty patient.
And sometimes it's really good for people if I am a little puff at them.
It's sort of like a really gentle,
Patient person finally getting tough,
And it's like overdue.
It's good.
It's good that they are tough.
And there's never any criticism.
If I'm tough,
It's like,
It's just.
It's just,
You know,
Any authentic teacher just wants to help you become your true self.
The depth of love it takes us I've said this it took me it's taken me decades to realize how completely I'm up loves us.
From the center of the earth to the stars and back and all around.
It is a total.
100% love and understanding.
The struggle for many of us is to understand that the voice in our head that we're listening to is the ego.
It's exactly the thing that teachers try not to do.
Help you see through.
And sometimes you're.
It's talking to you and you're really identifying with it.
It's like the teacher saying,
Oh,
It's going to be a beautiful sunny day today.
Let's go to a picnic.
And the ego saying with total authority,
It's going to rain.
Better stay inside,
Don't go.
And it can hypnotize us so much that we look outside and we see rain.
Okay,
This is what egos do.
So I worked with,
I've told you this,
Worked with,
Did volunteer work with.
Ladies that were anorexic.
You stood in front of the mirror.
They were like,
Beanpole of light.
Horribly skinny.
And I was normal weight.
And they both said.
I was so skinny and they were fat.
That's what they were hallucinating.
This is what our ego can do.
It's like really,
It's kind of psychotic.
What our egos can do.
It's like a minor level of psychosis.
But we have to see it.
We have to step aside from the ego and see it.
For example,
I'm My son.
I dared my son to drop off a huge diving board,
Like a really high one.
And I said,
I'll do it if you do it,
Never thinking he'd do it.
And he did it.
And he came back down and he said,
Well,
It's your turn.
You promised.
And I went,
No,
I didn't.
And I totally,
For that moment,
Felt I'd never promised.
And then I had this vague kind of.
.
.
Little tiny,
Tiny voice going,
You did it!
And then I vaguely remembered promises.
And he's standing in front of me going,
Mom.
Yeah,
And this is our ego.
My fear,
I mean,
I didn't want to die.
I ended up jumping off this Diving board.
Terrified on my tree.
I think I crawled onto it.
But this is how deluded we can be.
And this is why I talk about be humble enough.
To make room for possible delusions.
Coming from the ego.
Take your time.
There's no rush.
And at the same time,
I don't want you to doubt yourself horribly.
Just keeping a little window of or door open to maybe I'm the loser.
That's it.
That's all you need to do.
And then pray to the creator.
I heard a llama.
To show you,
To show you the truth.
This is what I did.
Show me the truth,
Please.
Show me the truth.
Show me the truth over and over and over again.
And this is how I saw how deluded I was.
The truth was,
Premasuddha was pretty deluded by her ego a lot of the time.
I wasn't,
You know,
I had this still this silent spring of inspiration coming through that was absolutely true.
So we're both you guys,
We're both.
Anyway.
Please.
There's no brush.
Some of you are pushing yourselves really,
Really hard.
Please don't.
Just breathe.
Try to be present during the day.
Relax.
Write in your journals.
You know,
Contemplate.
That's good use of our heads if we contemplate true reality.
Contemplate,
Contemplate God.
What happens when we witness.
We become the wound,
You guys.
To learn how to witness,
You have to become the womb.
You have to realize that you are living your life,
Not as an adult.
But as an injured child in adult form.
And when you realize that,
You will be able to witness.
This is what's painful for us to be.
Become the wound to realize that.
We've never been grown up.
We have just repeated.
Are childhood patterns endlessly.
When you see that,
You cry.
And your soul comes in.
It's no good.
That's it.
It's better if it isn't rushed.
You'll just be brought to it.
You keep praying,
You'll be brought to it.
So it isn't like taking an attitude to your injured child,
You're not going well.
This is my injured child,
And this is my adulterer,
And you realize you're just this walking wound.
And you turn to God for comfort,
You turn to the Creator for comfort constantly.
This illumination comes in,
This understanding.
And you see when you're functioning from your ego,
And you see when you're functioning from your truth.
There's no rest you guys.
Just the words,
You know,
To the extent even just the words carry love then.
You know,
You're all rooted in this love and the satsang.
You're all part of it.
Hooked up to the IV.
Totally.
You're where you need to be.
There's no error.
I'm going to open up now I've said really what I wanted to say.
Or what was coming up to be spoken at the satsang.
That's more the truth of it.
And I wanted,
You know,
Gerald had a very touching experience in the last week.
He was going to send me kind of a response,
You know,
About the effect of the prayers.
And I said,
Oh,
Why not speak?
The satsang just about your experience and how it was because I know you were so deeply engaged.
On so many levels.
And it was a really.
.
.
Important initiation.
Yeah,
On all levels,
Genetics,
Spiritual.
There is everything.
Yeah,
So.
Just come forward with whatever is wanting to be said,
Gerald.
Yeah,
Thanks.
First and foremost,
I won't pretend to have fully processed all of this,
Because it's just such a big thing.
But I will definitely try to be as concise and as very art-centered as possible,
Because I really do feel quite good,
Actually.
I really do feel quite open,
More open to the creator,
Basically.
Yeah.
Yeah,
You do.
You used it well.
You're using it well.
Yeah.
So.
Just to be clear to the group,
I mean,
My grandmother passed about a week ago last Saturday.
And if anyone remembers from one of the dream sets,
She had a very important part in my upbringing.
She was kind of like my second mom in my early years.
And I was very close to her whole process in passing.
And.
When I say really really up close I mean Like I basically was there for her from when she was in the hospital.
She went back home and she literally,
You know,
Took her last breath in my arms.
And It really.
.
.
Felt so challenging but so rewarding to be able to Feel this.
Overwhelming like Maternal.
Love,
Feminine,
I can't put my finger on it,
But it's just such a very big,
I could just felt like the same kind of energy of Amma,
You know,
Just like this,
This love,
This unconditional love from whatever our souls agreed in this life to just her gifting me with that kind of love when my mom wasn't able to be there to take care of me in my early years,
And then me just knowing that I would be there for her you know,
Unconditionally in her last moments,
And to witness that There's just so much love around death,
That death is actually not a scary thing.
Not in the way that I and I guess our whole society is raised to fear it.
Like that the mystery of it,
And just going through it and just just feeling it just feeling it and being present just being present all the time.
And just taking everything that would come up to Alma,
Just.
.
.
You know,
Sometimes that would feel.
You know,
Oh,
Maybe.
You know,
Maybe I'm not doing this right.
Or maybe,
You know,
Maybe I'm forcing too much food in her or something when she doesn't want to eat.
And then I would just take it up to Ama and she'd be like,
It's okay,
You know,
You're doing your best.
You're human.
They're human.
That's part of this,
Too.
That's part of this too.
Yeah,
A lot of it.
And then when.
And then just the whole divine timing of everything,
So our last day.
Um.
.
.
Like we had already kind of.
Noticed that she was refusing food and drink and medication and everything,
And she was declining.
But we had already scheduled a call with the family overseas in Bolivia and also with the family here present in Canada to Just be present with her.
Because we kind of felt it in our hearts that she was wanting to say goodbye.
And the call had already been,
You know,
We had already set a time and a date for it.
You know,
She literally.
She literally passed with us,
Like probably in the moments either before or during the call.
And everybody was around her,
Around the bed and in the call.
And everybody said,
Because,
You know,
The hearing is the last sense to leave.
And I just felt this overwhelming sense of I don't know,
Like honor.
I can't put any other anything else to it,
Just sense of honor of being able to send her off that way,
You know,
With love.
Being able to be there and just in her own home,
You know,
Away from all this beeping distractions and unfamiliar things that probably scared her in the hospital at that age.
And That just gave me so much.
I don't know.
Can't trust.
Yeah,
Trust.
Trust that everything is as it should be.
And for just always doing our best for,
You know,
It's not unlike birds.
Being with somebody at the end,
It's like the same kind of energy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean,
One's happier,
One's sadder,
But it's the same communication to the divine.
The same opening to the heavens is going on.
Yeah.
Yeah,
That's right.
That's exactly what I felt.
There really isn't like a beginning or it's not like like the line between like birth and death,
Beginning and end.
It just disappeared.
I mean,
Yeah,
Just kind of at this moment of just like,
There's no more like,
Like their events,
But there,
There really is no beginning or end.
It's just a It's just a stream of.
Loop.
And I had a really important moment yesterday,
Because yesterday was the service.
So I just rushed from this yesterday evening.
But long story short,
I mean,
Just to loop it into this feeling,
At the end,
When everybody was gathering around,
This close friend of the family came,
Just arrived from Ireland,
And she just had a newborn baby.
And I was already swimming in love through from the whole experience.
Actually,
I was really feeling like I was feeling at the ashram.
I was feeling like,
Like in your words,
Like the air was thick,
Thick with it.
Yeah.
And,
And then when I near in the end when I was shown this friend's newborn baby,
I just took one look at him.
And I just felt what I just mentioned this.
This blurring of lines between,
You know.
Time and life and death and just seeing how beautiful everything is,
How beautiful it all is,
How intricately woven,
And how this gift of this child and his energy and just his smile and everything and just feeling the presence of all,
Like of my grandma and all of her ancestors.
And just,
You know,
Like everybody's here.
Everybody's,
You know,
It's all around.
It's all around.
Nothing is ever really for nothing.
Nothing is ever really lost.
You know,
That's it.
That's it.
Nothing's ever lost.
No,
Not really.
No.
All right.
Thanks,
Gerald.
I mean,
I would just want to say one more thing,
To your point of asking Amma for strength.
And,
You know,
I had a really lot on my shoulders,
To be very honest.
I mean,
I wrote the eulogy and I delivered,
Like the first part of the eulogy and among other things.
And I kept asking,
You know,
Give me the strength for this,
You know,
Show me the strength for it,
You know,
Show me that I have it in me to do this.
And.
The more that I asked,
The more that I felt this kind of like,
Energy just coming through into my feet like like,
Like my feet were like roots and but also my crown chakra was opening up and I felt really held.
I just felt really held when I was speaking.
And then everybody told me,
Or not everybody,
But you know,
Many people would,
You know,
They tell you how,
You know,
They're sorry.
And,
You know,
They would give comments about how I spoke.
And.
You know,
I think previously,
I would have had maybe a hard time getting,
You know,
Feedback about such a thing.
But I feel like my life has just prepared me so much.
It's just this divine orchestration of everything that I've lived so far up into this point.
And I just felt this,
Just this genuinity of people saying,
Hey,
You did,
You know,
You did great,
We really,
It touched me,
You know,
They really felt that something I did for my,
My grandmother,
My family touched me,
And it was genuine.
Do you want to talk at all about your grandmother and her getting access to spiritual teachings next life at all?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
If it's okay with you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Of course.
Yeah,
That was really touching what you told me about that.
It touched me particularly because One of these wounds that I've been carrying has been around religion and religiosity and organized religion.
Particularly,
Let's say,
Let's stick to in this life.
I'd always felt quite different.
And,
You know,
Let's just say about something simple as being gay,
And how that is kind of how it was viewed in the Catholic faith that I was raised.
That was one thing.
But my grandmother,
She became a Jehovah's Witness.
And.
Um.
.
.
It wasn't in early childhood.
It happened at some point.
Late childhood.
Early early tweens.
But I remember when that happened,
You know,
I did feel as a child that that put some kind of you know,
Distance.
That was a challenge for the family.
But she never was absent.
We weren't estranged.
She was still present in our lives.
But she would always.
You know.
Well intentioned,
But she would,
You know,
Try to might sound a bit crass,
But kind of bring me on board,
You know,
Try to,
She would give me magazines.
And things like that about the faith,
About Jehovah's Witnesses.
And I remember feeling very uncomfortable because I didn't feel like she was doing that.
You know,
On autopilot.
There was something about it.
But it still made me feel like I had this inner knowing that it was misguided,
You know,
There was something misguided about it.
Yeah,
And I,
And at that time,
I couldn't put my finger on it,
You know,
But I still loved her anyways.
Okay,
But that was the point,
Really.
That was the point that,
You know,
With her not having,
I inherently felt this Something was missing from her that she wanted so badly.
And now that now that you know,
You were so lovingly involved in this process of helping her,
And that came up that in the next life,
She would have,
You know,
Quality teachers,
That that really gave me such peace and comfort.
And just,
It just all felt so right.
It just gave me so much,
So much,
So much joy,
And it's hard expanding feelings.
It's right here where,
You know,
People are dying,
That actually,
There's a lot of good spiritual work that can happen.
So.
Gerald S.
Premasuda to assist in that.
What?
Worked with is to,
I could feel this kind of spiritual desert.
You know of.
So it was this.
She deeply.
It just saved her 20 lives,
Really.
It just felt like it saved her so many lives,
This little intervention.
To assist her to.
Just drop baggage and also I could feel this whole life being set up.
Where she would have high quality spiritual teachers.
Like not almost like on the same block,
You know,
It was just set up so closely.
And also I could feel the impact on Gerald.
Right,
And you acknowledge that there's impact like it was almost,
You know,
When somebody with our genetic line.
Dumps.
Not helpful ways.
The whole genetic line gets influenced.
Especially with this close bond with,
Like,
She's almost,
You know,
A mother.
So yeah,
So it was very rewarding.
And I was so grateful that Gerald,
You know,
Contacted me during this and I was able to bring this.
Yeah.
And just gave me a very expansive feeling and I helped to,
You know,
Just clear some misunderstandings and it was a whole hoot to how that happened.
It's like she was letting some misunderstandings go,
But then she felt as if she had to,
She tried to paint them with blue paint.
You know,
She was letting these misunderstandings go,
And they were going to be dissolving very soon.
She'd let them,
You know,
But she was like trying to fix them,
Trying to hide them,
Trying to deny them.
It was like,
And so I spoke with her,
I said,
It's okay,
They're going,
They're going.
And she was like,
How old?
I don't have to fix or do,
I can just.
.
.
Relaxed into this loving.
Yeah.
You guys,
That's how.
This is the bigger truth.
And when people pass over,
They often try to keep doing the same things.
Until they.
Let go of them.
Anyway,
Cheer out.
Thank you.
I can feel you're kind of getting a blast now.
You're getting a.
.
.
The love,
I can see that,
Yeah.
Yeah it's you guys you know to understand how much ama holds us okay how much love she holds us in and to a infinitesimal degree this is what premasutra does too i hold you in this one.
Yeah,
And it's way bigger than you understand.
But that's the gig,
That's the training.
And you know,
When you let yourself be biddable,
It's like when I'm saying,
Oh,
Gerald,
You're biddable.
You let yourself be,
You know.
It's good.
Thank you.
Thank you so much,
Primasutra.
I just have to say,
Because really,
You helped me to,
You helped me to really feel this bigger than,
You know,
It's much bigger than It's much bigger than us.
Because.
.
.
You know,
It's like.
Bowing down to Amma's feet is genuflecting to the mystery.
She is not her body.
Genuflect to the mystery.
Bowing to her feet is genuflecting to the mystery.
All the time,
We don't know what's going on here.
You know,
It would happen over and over again.
Something I thought was going to happen didn't happen.
Something else.
I'm like,
Okay,
Calm down.
Okay.
You know better than I do.
I don't know.
As I watched my dreams get shattered.
I'm kidding.
As I watched my ego dreams get shattered.
That's kind of what it was.
Is there anybody else who needs to say a few words?
Um,
It's just funny when you were at the beginning and you were talking about,
You know,
Being on your deathbed and,
Uh,
Experiences and then Gerald speaking about his grandmother.
And it's funny when I came in,
I was,
For some reason,
I felt strongly to share this,
That I now feel that everything that comes my way,
No matter what it is,
Is for my understanding,
No matter what.
And so I came across this show about a woman in Denmark.
Who started an old folks home for people with dementia because of how terribly they get treated and how many drugs they put them on.
And I watched this and I thought,
Why am I watching this?
And I could even feel my body at the time when I'm watching it going,
Oh,
I don't want to see this.
I don't want to see,
I don't want to look at something about death.
And so I,
For the first five minutes,
I made myself watch it.
And then I just felt completely pulled into it.
And what I I thought was so kind of it just ties into everything that Gerald was saying.
Because that's how I felt at the end of it was just this feeling of like,
It's all a circle.
It's all,
There's no end and beginning.
I saw,
You know,
I saw these experiences of people that didn't kind of wake up.
And so they were kind of following the people that didn't wake up.
And then they kind of followed a woman that kind of had woken up.
And so they showed her death experience.
And I was just weeping watching it,
But not out of sadness,
Just like what a beautiful life lived.
And the experience was beautiful.
Beautiful and also beautiful to see that someone is actually You know,
It also gave me a great sense of like.
You know,
Do this with your life too,
Like you can too.
You can make a big difference.
Yeah,
You can too.
Yeah,
Right?
Like me too.
But what a beautiful experience to watch that and to just and that and and also like to just.
Whittle away this fear around it because it's not something to be so feared.
It's beautiful.
Beautiful.
It might be a big relief.
Yeah,
I think it might be really,
I mean,
We get praised for getting out of bed every morning.
It might be nice to see other ways of living.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Interesting.
I don't know if you guys have seen this at all,
But he clips onto the plants and they sing.
And so you can listen to the singing of these and he does like an old oak tree that's like hundreds of years old and he plugs into that and it's like and then he'll plug into like a piece it'll be like it's just they have the most beautiful music and you can just Look it up on YouTube and I listen to it every morning when I get ready.
I cannot tell you how much peace it's brought me to listen to this in the morning.
Fantastic.
Yeah.
And I just feel like I'm completely getting in touch with nature.
And then when I go out into nature,
I feel this sense that it's come with me of like,
You're all singing.
This is why we feel peaceful when we're in nature,
Because they're all singing to us.
Beautiful and pretty but this is exactly what I talk about like helping ourselves right like doing these things and and it feels good yeah oh that's lovely what a gift thank you for telling us I'll send it to you when I find this link I'll send it to you and you can send it up to the group but it's just a lovely thing to listen to in the daytime You know,
This is how technology can help us actually back to truth.
Yeah.
It was fantastic.
Yeah.
Thank you.
It's always a blessing to meet with you guys.
Energetically like this.
And to be,
It's such an honor to be allowed into,
You know,
Support and assist.
Don't underestimate yourself.
You're part of the divine.
Okay.
Okay,
Beloved.
Lots of love.
Yeah.
