Part II Of Heal Your Heartbreak Series

Heartbroken? We don't just understand, we know how to help! Listen to Zahra Adloo and I strategically guide you to see your break up as a blessing and as an exciting precurser to the next stage of your life! We'll walk you through the necessary steps to find peace and calmness through this difficult experience. You will exit the session feeling hopeful and emotionally rejuvenated!

Transcript

Okay. So, Um. . . We're sitting here, You know, Thinking about what we want to talk about, And the reality is that I'm currently going through a heartbreak. And that's why you hear my voice not as excited as the first episode. I'm trying to match Sara's level of emotion at the moment. Yeah. So, I've been with someone for the past ten years. We met when I was in my early twenties, And now I'm in my early thirties. But it's just, Um, It's difficult because I reminded myself of all the truths, And at the end of the day, It's a pain that you can't describe, Like we mentioned. But it's also, It's all the memories that come with the person. It's hard. Because inside, You kind of know that it's time to part ways. Obviously, For reasons, You know, Where you're outgrown each other. I think what I heard, I think, I think deep down, What you just said is really profound, Because it's like a lot of people ignore the nudge that they feel. I've personally been in relationships that I can feel are expired. Yeah. But I'm choosing to stay in them, And that symptom of staying in an expired relationship is the increased feeling of doubt. Yeah. And questioning, Am I with the right person? Am I with the right person? Is it supposed to feel this way? Right. Yeah. And I feel like you had shared from our personal relationship that you were feeling like that for a while. I was. And I asked for a sign, You know, I asked for a clear sign, And I got it within two days. And it was beautiful because I felt. . . A pretty quick turnover. Yeah, Yeah, It really was. And I felt even more happy with the fact that it was a divine intervention. I felt that it was. . . I felt more connected to the truth because it was so specific, And I received exactly as I asked for. But I think at the end of the day, It's still. . . It's hard in the beginning stages. You do definitely go through roller coaster of like emotions, Whether, You know, It's happiness, Sadness, Anger. Can I stop you? Yeah. I think everything you're saying is on point. Yeah. And you do go through a roller coaster of emotions. And that's why, All the why it's more important to actually have a structure when going through healing from a breakup. Because you've all these mixed emotions, You don't know where to begin, You don't know to feel angry, Sad, Motivated, Resentful. And then you either feel all those things at once or you go through cycling through them. Right. I'm assuming that's what you were going to say, Right? Something similar to that? Yeah, Absolutely. I mean, I'm sitting here excited throughout the day, Happy that I've gotten this new, Profound message and new vision towards what I could possibly have in the future. But then at night now I'm feeling like I'm just reminiscing on the history that I have with this person, The years that I spent with this person and the love that I still have for him for all the lessons he's taught me. But also just the bitter truth that it's time to let go. And before we continue more on that, Because I hear you addressing a lot of pain. I hear you, I mean, You're logical about your pain, You're trying to compute the fact that you've been through history, You have a history with him, You've had lessons with him. And then when the logic subsides, The pain comes. And I think that could be an excellent segue for us to talk about why breakups hurt so bad. Yeah. You know, And I don't know, I feel like everything you shared, You just started, Right? You just started with me. But I feel like it touched for me hearing it more so of you shared a lot of intimate parts of your life with him. I can't even imagine 10 years with somebody, How much growth there had been for you. I don't want to speak for you. Yeah, But it just sounds that way. Yeah, And that's the beautiful part of it, Right? But I think there was another side where you also hold on to the forever in your mind, Right? You have this inner ease that this is the person and I can now focus on other things in my life. And then all of a sudden, You get shaken up out of that. And you are faced with the reality that, You know, That was an expectation you placed that couldn't, You know, You just cannot always I don't know how to go about this. Like, You can't set those expectations. Well, Because you know what I hear? You know what I hear what happened is by you setting that expectation. He became the foundation of your stability. Absolutely. Yeah. And then in a way, I mean, That's beautiful. Yeah, Like what luck to have. But I think that that eventually runs out because it's not sustainable. Number one. And number two, It's almost like you turn that person into your higher power in some ways. Yeah, You look up to them and you think not a conscious thing, Right? You're like, Oh, Of course they have flaws, But they hold me down. Yeah, Not in like, Oh, They hold me back, But they keep me grounded. Yeah. Right. And I remember throughout our friendship, You told me that about him. And, You know, I think also, It's important to really address like being in a relationship, You become the most vulnerable version of you. And it hurts a lot to go through a breakup because that version of you is so unique to that relationship. It's almost like you lose that part of you. When you lose the relationship, You mourn the loss of that, You know, Of them and yourself. Absolutely. I mean, There's if I can get deeper into that, There are words that we created together, Like we had our own little language language, You know, And those things is, You know, I'm not going to be able to share. So it's like mourning that too, You know, I'm not going to be able to share, Just having a stare with someone and them knowing exactly how I'm feeling. I can in the future, Right? It's possible. It's definitely possible, But it's going to take a lot of time. And again, The risk and the putting yourself in a relationship again, Right? True. I want to say something. I love that you you specified there being hope to feel that again, Because I also think another reason why breakups hurt so bad is because people tell themselves what they once had is irreplaceable. Right? They can never experience that again. Now, While the saying of you never have the same love twice is true, I think because you don't really have identical experiences, Right? It doesn't mean that you can't create special moments with another person or have fun with another person or feel protected and grounded with another person. Absolutely. I think you go into the next relationship, A newer version. It's like Zara 2. 0, Right? And you present that new version in the relationship and it's that much deeper because you know yourself that much more. And because relationships are always a further mirror to deeper parts of us. You're absolutely right. I do think that, And I love what you said because it plays on a big fear of a lot of people when they go through a breakup, This fear of now I have to start over. I have to start from scratch. What people don't understand is they're not starting over. They're starting from experience and they're starting from like what you said the Zara 2. 0, Right? The newer version of themselves. Yeah. So I do want to say today, I don't know if I've shared this with the group, But I am an addiction counselor. I work with addicts all day. And today for the first time, I actually felt them. I felt what they go through throughout their bodies, Like having that craving, The withdrawal. And I kind of want you to go into that because I know that you, You know, We talked about this earlier about the hormones and. . . I was actually telling you, Zara, You're going to feel physical pain. Oh, Absolutely. This physical pain is normal because, You know, Certain hormones and neurochemicals that we have, Like oxytocin, Vasopressin, They're all involved in bonding in the formation of affection and relating with a person, Right? They're all involved in that. But the addictive property of love is actually something that gets turned on in the brain, In the center that's responsible for the reward system, Dopamine, The neurochemical that is responsible for what feels like a reward, Like a hit of a high. Right. And when you're in love, When you're bonding, When the oxytocin and vasopressin is pumping through your body, The dopamine centers light up. Yeah. And you're literally experiencing a high when you're in love and when you're connecting. Right. So when you go through the breakup, You experience the loss of that chemical and the loss of that high and you start to crave it so badly to where you'll. . . This is why people send like crazy emails, Right? Right. Where they start bombarding the person or saying to their friend, Call my ex blocked. I want to see if they pick up. I just want to hear their voice. I want to know if they're mourning or they're hurting as badly as I am. Yeah. Yeah. You know, And I see the pain in your face when I say that. I see the craving in your eyes when I say that. Yeah. But I mean, I think because I have been working in this profession, I know very well that none of that matters and those are just self-destructive behaviors. Right. But I just wanted to say like I definitely connected with my clients today because I really felt them. Right. I felt them through my own experiences and our experience right now. And it's just like you explain it's a similar experience. It's absolutely identical. 100%. 100%. So know that you will go through this pain and it is like a withdrawal and it's just going to be very. . . It's going to be difficult to deal with, But it's also a way for you to dig deeper, Face the pain and work on yourself and, You know, Finding who you are again. It's true. And luckily those neurochemicals eventually balance out. Yeah. Yeah. So the withdrawal doesn't last forever. It actually takes about eight weeks to physically, Physically and scientifically, Chemically detox from a partner. Wow. Eight weeks. But, Right, You have to block them. You need a cold turkey. You need a. . . No contact because guess what? Hearing their voice actually. Mm-hmm. It creates that hit again. Yeah. In the brain. Yeah. Getting that text, It creates that rush in your body and it's almost like a reset and you have to start all over. Yeah. Yeah. So it's really important to cold turkey, Block the person off everything. It's almost like an addict who doesn't want to be tested or tempted. So if somebody's trying not to drink alcohol, They're not going to walk into a bar, You're not going to keep your ex's mother on your Facebook, For example. Right. Right. And lie to yourself and say, Hey, You know what? It's not like I'm following my ex or their best friend, But their mother and I are still friends and I'm going to sneak and see or subconsciously hope that she might post a picture of what they're doing this weekend. Yeah. Right? I think it's, This is all amazing for a couple that has not been married, Right? But what about a couple who's been married that has to deal with the lawyers, Right? Has to deal with having to communicate because they need to legally. Then you cut communication in every other area as much as you possibly can so as to protect your neurochemicals from not balancing out. Right. And so as to protect your own mental health. Right. Really. Yeah. And then another dangerous thing that people do when they're going through breakup is they're so quick to maybe get physically intimate with another person. The whole saying of, In order to get over someone, You got to get out under somebody else. Oh, God. You know what, Though? For some people it works. It works. Yeah. But it's also, For most people, It actually ends up hurting them more because it's inevitable to compare that new person. Even if you tell yourself you can have unattached sex, Emotionally attached sex, You end up comparing yourself to that other, You compare your ex to the new person. And how can any new person logically compete with years or even months of history? There's no possible way. I also think it goes on to, It also relates to being dependent on something. True. Here is where you need to discover yourself and be comfortable with yourself and be able to be happy being by yourself. But instead you're avoiding. You're avoiding it and you're finding another external resource to hide the pain or to numb the pain. Exactly. So you're really not healing. No. No. No. And I think it'll be good for us to break this down in steps to heal. Right? So I think number one is conscious acceptance. Which this is the like external verbal and mental saying to yourself of this relationship is over. This is where affirmations are really important. Constantly saying to yourself and even other people around you like friends and family, We are broken up. It is over. Make it real. Right. So that everything around you conspires to support that reality. Right. Right. This includes, In this conscious acceptance, It includes cold turkey just cutting the person off. Blocking them off everything. Social media, No contact. This is really important so that you don't live in a false reality. Period. Absolutely. And I think that was actually one of the main things I've been talking about with you, Jess, Is, You know, I'm sharing with everyone that I can about my story because I want to hold myself accountable. Good. And I want others to hold me accountable because it's very, Very hard after 10 years to get sucked in. Right? That person contacts you. They want you back. They'll do anything to get you back. But for me, My boundary was crossed and it was very clear that that was my final boundary. Right. And so to hold myself accountable, I had to be consciously accepting of the fact that it's just over. 100 percent. And I needed to, You know, Utilize my connections to hold me accountable. Good. And I'm glad that you did that. Right. And, You know, I think a step that a lot of people skip is doing like a mental and actually writing this out, But like a relationship inventory. It's almost like doing an autopsy on the dead relationship. What was the cause of death? You know, What could have prevented it? Why didn't it work? I think that it's a painful process, But it's very necessary. And in this relationship inventory, You write out all the positive things about your partner, Your ex. I know that's painful, But you can't lie to yourself and lie that there wasn't positive because in the end, It's all about honoring your experience in the end. Right. You write out all the negative things about that partner, Particularly. And then you write out all the positive things of being in a relationship with that person. Then you write out all the negative things about being in a relationship with that person. How did they make you feel? Not only the negative qualities that they had, But how they made you feel. Right. Right. And so in that, You really bring your conscious mind to a place of living in the reality of what the relationship was. So you can actually let it go for what it was. A lot of people let go of a fantasy relationship that never really existed. Right. Absolutely. You know, And I think another way of being able to get into the emotion to push you out and really keep you out is to be angry and remain angry. Right. Yes. For a period of time. Because it's so easy to sit there and ruminate and, You know, Think about all the good things. We totally forget about the fact that this person did so many negative things to us. Exactly. And mistreated us in the relationship. We automatically, Our minds tend to go to the positive, Especially if you're an optimistic person. I was just going to say, This is a great point for the optimist. Because the optimist don't struggle with this. No, No, They don't. But for me, I'm very optimistic. I think it's part of being who I am and what fuels my profession and helping people. I have to constantly remind myself of why this person is not the one for me and what they've done. I'll say this. I think it's important to end the relationship inventory, Right? To, After you've done it, In order to get over that person, Just continue reading the negative. It's important. I know it sounds like I'm contradicting myself. I said, Write out both the positive and negative so that you're real and you're honoring what was, Right? But in order to get over that, It's harder if you focus on the positive, Including the negative. If you actually choose to focus on the negative, You will get to the point where like what you said, You will get angry. You will get angry. And through that anger, That anger will be a catalyst to move on. But I will say this. You have to be really careful when you get angry. Right. Get angry, But don't get hateful. Right. Yeah. Get angry that you are staying stuck on something that is no longer serving you. But do not get hateful towards the person that it didn't work out with. There is a difference. Right. Because no one owes you love. No. Just because they loved you before, You're lucky, They were lucky that they woke up the next day and you continue to love each other. That's just part of being in relationship. You take a risk every day that the person may or may not love you anymore. They may or may not choose to stay in the relationship every day as a choice. Right. They do, However, Owe you respect. The respect of being honest and integral within that relationship. However, If they didn't give you either one of them. Right. You owe yourself the respect to honor your relationship despite what you went through or how it ended. Yeah. So honor that relationship by getting angry at the correct part of it and releasing hatred for that person. Yeah. Two wrongs don't make a right. Rediscover yourself in the process. 100%. Manifest your future partner through that. Right. And yeah, Don't live in fear. Have faith. I think that's what's really helping me right now. Right. Is having the faith that I will have better in the future for me. I was surprised because when you told me that it was over, I felt like I went through a lot of that relationship with you. Yeah. And I experienced a lot of the positives. There was a lot of positives too. Absolutely. And when I saw, Like I felt your pain, But I also felt your courage and your hope and you're like, It's okay. I know I'm going to find better. Not even better. Just better suited for you. Right. At this juncture of your life. Right. And I saw that and I found it very inspirational for someone who just recently broke up. Yeah. And the way that I had to end it and the way I found out about the situation. It was not ideal. It was not ideal. I literally went through like a whole body shock, Broke out in a fever. It was not easy for me. And that was just not part of the withdrawal. That was part of the shock. That was part of the shock. Yeah. Yeah. But I think a lot of inspiration and I know for other things it's not good, But with social media, I saw a lot of my friends go through breakups with people that they had been with for a long time. Really? And now they are like happily in love and some of them are pregnant, Some of them are married. You know? And I see and I really see the happiness and the joy and I see I'm comparing the way they look then with the past partner and the way they are now. You can see the love in their eyes. Right. It's a difference. You can see the difference. You can see that they're not staying in an expired relationship. Exactly. And I that that's been my inspiration. I'm like, Dude, Why can't you know, Why wouldn't I get that? That's absolutely for me too. I think that's so optimistic and clever of you and I swear when I went through one of the most painful breakups, It sounds so funny. I started YouTubing wedding vows. Aww. And like wedding ceremonies and I was like, Look at how in love they are. This is possible for me again. Yada yada. But I guess it's a little bit different than the contrast of like you witnessing your friends in previous relationships and then, You know, Assuming they'd never find love again. But then they did after the breakup. So I think that's huge. And I also think speaking of huge, Is something you mentioned and we kind of glossed over was rediscovering yourself. Yeah. I think that's the biggest part to all the steps of getting through the pain of the breakup is living your life and rediscovering yourself. And what I mean by that is doing the things that make you happy. This does not mean manifest your next partner just yet. You need to be happy first before you manifest your next partner. Absolutely. Right? So rediscovering yourself, Getting excited about this new chapter in your life, Fighting those that those the hormonal withdrawals through exercise, Therapy, Cold turkeying the partner and any associations to them, Engaging in emotional support with your friendships. Right? Yeah. And engaging in hopeful activities like looking at the social media. It's so funny. This is the first time I ever hear anyone talk about social media having a positive impact on that. So it's great. You know what I mean? Yeah, That's the optimism. You know, I love the optimist in me. I love that. And you know, It is research has actually found that optimists live much happier quality of lives. They do. And they have more positive relationships. So, You know, I think I think with the rediscovering yourself, I want to just ask you, What's the one thing you're excited to rediscover about yourself in this process before you manifest your next partner? Oh, The power that I've always had within me. I think it was dimmed down for a little bit. Okay. I literally looked at myself today and I was like, You're back. That quick. I swear. I was like, You're back. Like, You know, There were moments where I was, You know, Told some negative things about myself and I was believing it. And it was hard because it's from a person that you trust. Right. And so you really start to think, Oh, Maybe they're right because I trust this person. They've known me for so long, You know. But then that was shaken all out of me today. I was like, Oh, Wow, This is you again. It sounds like you got in touch with your inner voice. I did. And all the noise just dissipated. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's beautiful. And that was a beautiful part of this so far. That's beautiful. I think you're going to be in that rediscovering phase for a while and just kind of like reclaiming your power also. Like rediscovering, Reclaiming, You're already doing that. Right. And I think if you continue on that path, Then you'll definitely be open to attracting your next future partner probably sooner than we know. What did I say this morning? I'm excited. I'm excited to see what, You know, The new person is going to be like, Whenever that is. And this is three days after a breakup. I know. After a 10-year marriage. That's huge. Yeah. So it's not that you're not going through pain. You are. But the hope is keeping you balanced. Absolutely. And I think that this podcast and the organization for it couldn't have came in a better, More like perfect time in my life. Yeah. You know, It's crazy how the universe works, Huh? I trust the synchronicity of it. Absolutely. Awesome. So to all of our listeners, I hope that this served you well. Yes, For sending you a lot of positive healing energy to your heart. And just know that I'm going through it with you. Yeah. You know, I'm here. I'm experiencing the pain and it is so worth it at the end because you just, You grow in so many different ways. And as much as pain is scary, It's necessary because it's always resulted in a more upgraded version of self. I can't wait for that upgraded version. It's like every year with my birthday. Right. How much did I grow from last year? Look at that. Yeah. I've never heard someone so excited about going through a breakup. Yeah. Well, When you have the right tools, The right mindset, It's possible. It doesn't need to be a tragedy. No, It doesn't. Incredible. Thank you, Guys. Thank you. Thank you.

Reviews

It was probably brewing for a long time. I couldn't be excited 3 days after a breakup LOL. Unless there was some kind of abuse, then the emotion would be relief.

Amazing! I feel so much better after listening to this.

I felt like my emotions were seen and heard entirely. Thank you for this.