The Desire Distraction Loop

03:49

The Desire Distraction Loop

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4.9

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Plays

22

Here is a frustrating truth: the more you worry about whether you will feel aroused, the less likely it becomes. Dr Lori Brotto describes the loop of worry, self-monitoring and self-judgment that keeps the brakes on desire, using the Dual Control Model developed by Bancroft and Janssen, in which sexual response has both an accelerator and brakes. She offers simple ways to interrupt each step, from naming the worry to shifting from checking to sensing and offering yourself kindness, and closes with a short self-compassion practice. This content is educational and is not a substitute for one to one professional care.

Emotional Labeling Affect Naming Practice Self Soothing Practice Sexual Health Mindfulness Self Judgment Anxiety Psychology

Meet your Teacher

Vancouver, BC, Canada

Meet your Teacher

Vancouver, BC, Canada

Transcript

Here's a frustrating truth about sex. The more you worry about whether you'll get aroused, The less likely you are to get aroused. I'm Dr. Laurie Brado, A psychologist and sex researcher at the University of British Columbia. In this video, I want to talk to you through a pattern I see constantly in my research and in my clinical work. I call it the desire-distraction loop. To understand it, It helps to know about a model from sexual science called the dual control model developed by Bancroft and Janssen at the Kinsey Institute. I did. The idea is simple. Your sexual response has an accelerator, Things that turn you on, And brakes, Things that turn you off. Many people assume low desire means a weak accelerator. Very often, Though, The accelerator is fine. It's the brakes that are pressed down on so hard. And one of the strongest breaks is worry. Here's how the loop works. It starts with a worry. What if I don't get in the mood again? What if my partner is disappointed? That worry pulls your attention. Instead of noticing sensation, You're monitoring yourself, Checking for signs of arousal, Like a scientist watching an experiment. That monitoring dampens arousal. Psychologist David Barlow showed this in the 1980s. In people with sexual difficulties, Anxiety narrows attention onto the threat of failure and pulls it away from erotic cues. Arousal drops. Then comes the self-judgment. See, I knew it. There's something wrong along with me. And that judgment becomes the next worry. The next time intimacy comes up, The brakes are already on before anything starts. More worry, More difficulties, And the loop continues. Researchers in Portugal have shown this. They found that thoughts people have during sex, Such as expecting failure, Criticizing themselves, Or even having no erotic thoughts, Predicted sexual difficulties more strongly than many other factors. The good news is that loops can be interrupted at any point. Interrupt the worry. You don't need to argue with it. Simply naming it. Oh, There's the worry. Create space between you and the thought. Interrupting the monitoring. Shift from checking to sensing. Not am I aroused yet, But rather what do I feel right now? Warmth, Touch, Breath. That's it. Interrupt the judgment. This is where self-compassion comes in. What would you say to a close friend who told you she was struggling with desire? You probably wouldn't call her broken. Can you offer yourself the same kindness? Take the goal off. When sex has to end a certain way, Pressure builds. When the aim is simply connection and pleasure, Wherever that leads, The brakes ease off. Let's try this now. Think of a small worry you're carrying today. It doesn't need to be about sex. Now close your eyes and notice where you feel it in your body. Maybe your chest, Your shoulders. Good job. Silently name it. This is worry. Then place a hand somewhere comforting like your chest. Or your cheek. And say to yourself. This is hard. And I'm not alone in this. That's the loop interrupted. If you recognize yourself in this pattern, Please know it's one of the most common and most changeable patterns in sexual health. You haven't lost your desire. It may just be stuck behind the brakes. In the next video, I'll share what nearly two decades of our research has shown us about mindfulness as a tool for addressing low desire.