Being Hard On Yourself

You're warm and patient with the people you love, then turn around and speak to yourself like your own worst enemy. If being kinder to yourself feels awkward or unnatural, that isn't a flaw. It's partly how evolution wired us: when we feel we've fallen short, the brain reads it as a threat and turns the fight-or-flight response inward, as self-criticism, shame, or endless rumination. In this session, Kristin Neff shows you a simple way to work with that wiring. When we feel cared for, the body's calming system switches on, releasing oxytocin and helping us feel safe, and research shows we can trigger that same response for ourselves through compassionate touch. She guides you to find the gesture that soothes you, a hand over the heart, cradling your face, or a gentle hug, so you can comfort yourself in the moments you need it most.

Transcript

Welcome to day five of the Break Your Habits Challenge here on Insight Timer. We all have things we keep doing, Even when we wish we wouldn't. This is your time to understand these patterns and find ways to hopefully do things differently. Let's jump into today's session. I'm Kristen Neff. And welcome back to the Break the Pattern Challenge. Today, I want to spend a few minutes with you on a very common pattern. Were much harder on ourselves than others. Maybe you're kind and supportive to your friends, Family, And neighbors. But you treat yourself more harshly than your worst enemy. And even if you'd like to be more self-compassionate. You may find that it feels awkward and unnatural. This isn't a personal failing or one more thing to beat yourself up about. It's partly the way evolution designed us. Luckily. We can do a hack that helps us access self-compassion more easily. You might know that evolution gave us a threat detection system. Is designed to keep us alive. Whenever we perceive danger. Our sympathetic nervous system activates the familiar fight, Flight, Or freeze response. Stress hormones such as cortisol are released, Our attention narrows, And our body prepares to protect itself. The problem is that this system responds not only to physical danger, But also to threats to our self-concept. Failure and feelings of inadequacy can trigger the same physiological response that once helped our ancestors fight off a pack of wolves. But since the danger is an internal psychological one. We tend to turn the threat response inward. We fight ourselves through harsh self-criticism. Hoping it will force us to improve or help us control the situation. Or we flee into a sense of shame and isolation. Believing that if we judge ourselves first, We can somehow avoid the judgment of others. Or we freeze and ruminate, Endlessly replaying the situation in our minds, As if thinking about the problem long enough will somehow help us escape it. Now, When close others are suffering, We're usually not as personally threatened. So it's easier to tap into another safety system that evolution gave us. The care system. Sometimes called the attachment system. Or the tandem friend response. When we care for others or they care for us, It activates the parasympathetic nervous system, Releasing oxytocin and increasing heart rate variability and coherence. This helps us feel calm and safe. The remarkable thing about self-compassion. Is that we can hack the care system by touching ourselves in a compassionate way. Research shows that self-compassionate touch lowers cortisol levels while increasing heart rate variability and coherence, Similar to what happens when others give us a hug or put their arm around our shoulders. Meaning that we can help ourselves feel calm and safe directly. So let's try it right now. First, Let's take two or three deep, Satisfying breaths. So let's start by gently placing one hand over your heart center, The center of your chest. Feeling the gentle pressure and warmth of your hand. Notice how that feels. And now try placing the other hand also on your chest, So both hands are here. And just notice the difference between one and two hands. You can just hold yourself here. Or else, If you want, You can move your hands, Perhaps making a small little circle or rubbing back and forth motion. So for many people, Putting your hands on your heart is a way to make us feel supported and cared for. But not everyone reacts the same way. All bodies are different. Some people might feel uneasy actually putting your hands on your heart. So it's important to find a touch that's right for you. So let's just try some other possibilities. And one might be cradling your face in your hands, Just like you might hold the face of a small child. Just notice how that feels for you. Or you can try holding your center, Sometimes called your solar plexus, About two inches below your ribcage, Above your belly button. Put both hands here and just really hold yourself in the center, Giving yourself that stable support. Or if you like, You can put one hand on your heart and the other on your center. You can try giving yourself a little hug, So crossing your arms around yourself and giving yourself a gentle squeeze. Again, If you like, You can add in some movement, Maybe swaying back and forth. Or rocking back and forth. And for some people, Actually, Touching your own body doesn't feel so good, Maybe because of some past experiences. And so other options is touching something else that's soft and warm, Like petting your dog or your cat, Or holding something soft like a blanket. So the idea is whenever you feel stressed or upset or distressed in some way, Try using some sort of self-compassionate touch that feels good to you. And if you can, Try doing it during difficult periods several times a day for at least a week. Hopefully you'll start to develop the habit. Of physically comforting yourself when needed. Taking full advantage of this surprisingly simple and straightforward way to be kind to ourselves.

Reviews

🙏🕊️💞

✨ Kristin,
Thank You for sharing your Light 🕯️

Enjoyed.

An absolutely wonderful somatic experience. Thank you, Kristin!