My name is Christy Fowler,
And I've been a marriage and family therapist for 30 years.
And one of the topics I've dealt a lot with is grief.
In our culture,
We don't really have a way of grieving.
It's kind of left up to everybody on their own.
When I was in college,
I went to Papua New Guinea for the summer.
And I found it fascinating because in their culture,
They have a very distinct path for grieving.
When you lost a loved one,
You covered yourself in mud.
You would stay by the graveside and truly wail.
Nobody judged you.
Nobody was offended.
It was a part of their process.
And you could live like that,
With that mud and wailing,
As long as you needed to.
And nobody said a word about it.
There was no judgment around it.
In other cultures,
You're allowed to grieve as long as you need to grieve,
And a way of showing that is to wear all black.
So no matter what you're doing or where you're at,
You would wear all black.
In our culture,
We really don't have that.
And so I wanted to share a few things to.
.
.
Help you think about grief maybe a little bit different.
We think about grief,
Especially when it comes to losing a loved one.
In my life,
Just recently,
I've lost quite a few people from random things.
And it is important to address our grief because when we don't,
All we do is shove it down.
And then it shows up,
As I call it,
Going sideways.
So when I don't deal with my grief,
It turns into anger,
Depression.
It can cause headaches.
It can cause other physical symptoms.
It can cause depression.
And so dealing with your grief is something that's so important.
If you're not necessarily a verbal processor,
That's okay,
But it is important to think about it,
To process it,
To move through it.
Because when we don't,
We get stuck.
And it stays stuck in our body.
And it can absolutely manifest in physical forms in our body.
And so this is an important step to take in really being intentional about our grief.
How are we managing it?
And there is no one right way.
For some,
They need to cry and get angry about it.
For others,
They need to get more quiet and reflective and journal.
And so please be mindful,
Never judge someone for the way they grieve.
It's their way of grieving.
And they have a right to do that,
Just as you have the right to do that.
I know for me,
When I lost my parents,
One of the things that really stood out to me kind of hurtful things people would say like Well,
God needed them in heaven.
And I was like,
Well,
I needed them here on earth.
And so sometimes when it comes to grief,
It's the things that are said to us that can keep us stuck as well.
And so really being able to hear the truth about grief and I didn't need a reason why my parents passed.
They passed.
All I needed is just support to move through those emotions.
Sure,
I lost him younger than expected,
But that is a part of life too.
And so it's really about working through the different stages of grief to get to acceptance.
The other part of greed that I find that we underestimate in our culture.
Is the grief of lost dreams.
Expectations and things that we wanted to have happen in our life that didn't.
That divorce is.
That needs to be grieved.
Future.
That you didn't have.
You pictured yourself as this successful entrepreneur,
Doctor,
Lawyer,
Teacher,
And that's not the path that ended up happening for you.
For you and your marriage that you.
.
.
You thought you would be married for.
.
.
A lifetime.
And in love with each other and that didn't end up happening.
That's something to grieve.
Even with ourselves and maybe having to deal with medical.
Medical issues that you hadn't anticipated.
That's a layer of grief.
I know for me,
When I was 19,
I was in a really bad car accident.
I broke my neck,
Was paralyzed for a period of time,
And I needed to grieve the loss that that created for me.
I was on a volleyball scholarship in college and I never was able to come back and play at that level again due to that accident.
It took me a long time to grieve.
That that wasn't the dream I had for me.
Here's the key thing that I want you to hear.
No matter what you're going through in life.
There is going to be a process of grieving.
Recognize it.
Be aware of it.
And be intentional.
About how you want to move through it.
And if you need help doing that,
Never,
Please never be ashamed to get that help because it is worth it and it matters.
