Stoic Consolations: Living With Grief And Loss

Grief does not mean you are failing at Stoicism. This 26-minute talk explores ways to live with loss without turning your feelings into another problem to fix.
Drawing on Seneca, Epictetus and Marcus Aurelius, Jon Brooks offers five optional reflections: noticing your first reaction, remembering what you were given, separating what is up to you, making room for rest, and telling the people still here why they matter.
There is also a reflection on the relationships we carry after someone has died. Use a manageable example, leave any exercise that feels too much, and take the ideas at your own pace. This is philosophical education, not bereavement counselling.
Return whenever you need a gentler way to speak to yourself about loss.

Transcript

A lot of us think of the death of a person when it comes to grief. If you've ever grieved over a pet, If you've had a marriage or a relationship, That's fallen through and hasn't worked out that you feel upset over still. Maybe there are people in your life that you haven't reached out to that are still alive and maybe a friendship has disintegrated. Certain types of identities, Roles, Jobs, Grief can show up in many different forms. Very, Very deep disappointment can be a form of grief too. You know, Like you set your hopes on something. Achieving something, Everything seemed to be going in this direction, Your life was going to change, And then it fell through. You know, You can really grieve over that imagined future that didn't take place. I love stoicism, But I also don't consider myself like a dogmatic stoic. I like learning from different disciplines. I like science. I like reading from a broader source. So for me, Stoicism is the fundamental framework that I like to operate from, But I also like to integrate it with other ideas too. So we're going to be looking a little bit about the scientific research on grief as well. There will be five exercises that I go through in this talk. If you don't want to do a single one, 100% fine by me. You can do it in your own time. You can skip them. This is not a deep form of therapy where I'm going to be asking to go into your trauma. If you are struggling with grief right now, I encourage you to keep learning about Stoicism and these different aspects of managing grief, And also get professional support side by side. Three things. When we are working with grief and Stoicism in general, I tend to see it more like a set of skills, Like Stoicism is a sort of martial art for the mind. So there are going to be three main pillars for how we work through grief. We're going to focus on honesty. Okay. So I'm going to tell you where certain ideas work and where they might not work. I'm not going to come at you saying this principle, This tactic works always, Every time. And if you fail at it, Then it's a you problem. That's not the case. Not every technique works. And I want to be direct and honest about where it doesn't work. The next element is the human side of grief. Stoics often get represented as being superhuman and emotionless. And one of the things I want to show you in this workshop is that the Stoics felt grief just like everyone else feels grief. What was different is what they did with the grief. So it's not like they avoided the feeling. It's more so how they interpreted it and framed it after the fact. And that's the skill we'll be working on. And as I said just now, We're going to be looking at more than just those we're going to be looking at a wider perspective when it comes to grief research. Grief has its own timeline. For some people, It can be days. For some people, It can be weeks. For some people, It can be years. For some people, They may never seem to fully process. Sometimes, When you're experiencing grief, You can feel almost judged. If you feel happy one day, You might ask, Why am I happy? Am I allowed to be happy? There's an element of shame there. And vice versa, If you're feeling grief for a long period of time, You may feel like there's something wrong with you. Everyone processes it differently, And there's no right or wrong. There's no judgment to be had here. And grief can teach you how to be your own friend in some way, You know, Because when you're grieving, Nobody else can come along and just fix it for you. You know, You have to really learn to communicate with yourself and be there for yourself. And then finally, No silver linings. Yeah, I'm not gonna try and force anyone here to try and be happy or feel something that they're not currently feeling. Seneca, Arguably the best Stoic writer, Beautiful prose, Said, And I'll read out the quote, There are some men whose wisdom is of a harsh rather than a brave character who say that the wise man never would mourn. It seems to me that they never can have been in a position of mourners. He is saying here that if people are saying that you're not meant to grieve or you don't, Grief isn't a real thing. I doubt they've really experienced that. Yeah, So Seneca is owning up. To the fact that he has felt a deep sense of grief himself, This Stoic legend. So just want to dispel that myth here. The Stoics talk a lot about acting and living according to nature. We have a human nature. Human nature requires us to make social bonds. We feel empathy. We feel for other people. We can't really do much without anyone else. If you could not communicate with anyone at all, Ever, You wouldn't get very far in life. You know, We're part of a social network. And the flip side of that is that when bonds break, People die, Things don't go our way, We really feel the weight of that. That's natural. Marcus Aurelius lost many of his children. When Marcus was younger, He wept for his tutor and the palace staff tried to stop him. And the emperor Antonius told them, Let him be only a man for once, For neither philosophy nor empire takes away natural feeling. So that's something, Let him be a man. For once. I think that's. . . That's giving him a break. Allowing him to be human. Out of the permission to be human, Then you can start working on yourself. If you don't allow yourself to be a human being, To feel all of those feelings, To embrace the anguish, The grief, The tears, The imperfections that you have, You're just gonna be trying to make yourself something that is impossible. You're going to be trying to be perfect all the time. You're going to be putting pressure on yourself. And you're never ever gonna live up to this standard because it doesn't exist. So I interpret this as. . . Marcus's adoptive father saying, Marcus needs to give himself permission to be human. Yes, He has great potential, But he is ultimately. Just a human, Just like all of us. At the beginning, You have this jolt. This is the pre-emotion or the proto-passion before you've had a chance to really even get a full impression of the situation. Your body just reacts. If you hear a really loud noise in your room right now, Your body would react. If someone put something really cold on you, Your body would react. It's not like you have a chance to even process that. And that's why, From a stoic perspective, You don't even judge it. It's just the body, The body doing what it's doing. Tears, A tight throat, Shock, Sighing, Anything involuntary, That is not a failure of your stoicism. You know, If you're watching a movie and you start to get overcome by tears. It's just your body reacting. If something quote unquote embarrassing happens and you start to blush, It's just your body reacting. You know, The story you add next, That's more up to you. You may have a thought like, I should be over this. I'm not coping well. Something is wrong with me. That is the part that is more within your control, The part you should concern yourself with more. And then step three is what you do next, Where you have some say, Even if only a little, In terms of the action and the intention you bring into the world. Paleness, Bursting into tears, Deep sighs, Seneca calls these merely impulses of the body. He called them First Movement. Two different types of tears. Some tears fall by consent, Others by their own force. This is Seneca. When tears fall by their own force, Quote, When the first news of some bitter loss has shocked us, Tears are wrung from us by the necessity of nature. The tears of shock, They overcome us. The other type of tears is tears by consent. There is in them a certain sweet sadness when we remember the sound of a pleasant voice. Tears of memory, We let them come. This is an interesting distinction because I had never really differentiated different types of tears before. But it's kind of beautiful in a way to do this. Sometimes tears are come and they overcome us whether we like it or not. And sometimes we almost embrace them. You could say they're kind of we allow them to be there. You know, If we're watching a sad film, We could easily just pause it, Right and be like, Oh, I'm not doing that. But we we allow the emotion to come. These are tears by consent. And then sometimes We have a difficult conversation. It doesn't go very well. We become frustrated or upset or shocked and tears just come on us. Even if we don't want them, We kind of have no control over them. All right, First practice. We're going to notice the first movement and drop the extra story. Super simple, And this applies to many situations in life. It's a fundamental stoic practice. We really want to get good at this for grief, But everything else as well. Anger, Anxiety, And all those other emotions. So step one, Notice where is it in my body, Okay, And actually try to locate the feeling. Where's the first movement? If you currently are sitting here feeling nothing, Then bring to mind something that has disturbed you. It can be something that is related to grief or anything else from this week or recent memory. Step two is name it. This is a first movement. My body is responding to love and loss, Or my body is responding to whatever the situation is. It's really important to label it, This is a first movement, Because it creates distance, It creates separation. Step three, Drop the extra story. Notice what the mind is saying. But if you're struggling to identify what your mind is coming up with. You can ask yourself the question. What, If I was like a scriptwriter, What would I imagine a person playing my role in a film would be thinking? So you kind of like step outside yourself and go, What would they probably be thinking? So if someone is rude to them, You can go, If I was the scriptwriter, I'd probably say this person's thinking that they are being disrespected, Or they don't mean anything, They're not valued, Or the other person's a jerk or something, And you can kind of fill in the blanks there if you can't actually. Identify your own thoughts. Extra stories. I should be over this by now. Other people cope better. A lot of comparisons can come up. If I stop crying, I've stopped caring. That's another one, A bit of guilt about feeling good. If I cry, I've fallen apart. Comfort before argument. Even the Stoics, And this is not known very well, Said that comfort comes first. Seneca to his mother. I knew that I must not oppose your grief during its first transports. There is nothing more hurtful than medicine applied too soon. That's such a nice sentence. There's nothing more hurtful than medicine applied too soon. What a beautiful phrase. It applies to so much in relationships. That's like when someone comes across and gives advice when it's not asked for. And sometimes empathy and understanding needs to come first. Epictetus says in his handbook, Do not hesitate to sympathize with him so far as words go, And if it so chance even to groan with him. You know, Appetitus this. Legendary stoic, You know, Like imperturbable, Resolute, Unwavering. He's saying you can groan with other people, You know. It doesn't mean that you throw away your philosophy and you start abandoning the dichotomy of control and virtue. It just means like, Be a good friend. Be a good family member. Empathize. Be there. Try and see things from their perspective. There's nothing wrong with that. That's part of what it means to be a human being. These mistakes come from a good place. You don't judge yourself, But like some, Some lines that people say, Everything happens for a reason. You know, Like, Oh, I lost my pet. I know everything happens for a reason. Doesn't really help, Okay? Instead, Try, I'm so sorry, I'm here. Simple, Easy, Supportive. Instead of, At least they're not suffering now. That's a classic one. Yeah. Or at least like a grandmother passes away. I know at least they're not suffering now. Instead say, I'd like to learn more about them. You know, Where did they grow up? So that person has a chance to talk about them. But sometimes cheering people up is not actually helpful. Instead of you should be over it by now, That's quite harsh. There's no timetable for this, You know, Telling people that they can take as long as they need. Be strong. That's, Again, A classic one. Be strong now. Be strong. Instead, Try, You don't have to be okay. You don't have to be okay with this. Instead of let me know if you need anything, Try I'll bring dinner on Thursday. Sometimes the best way you can support someone is just by physically being there, Listening, Being curious. I'm not trying to fix anything. It's counterintuitive, But that's often the best way to do it. So this often happens as well. When you know someone that's grieving, Sometimes you don't want to talk to them because you don't know what to say. You feel a bit awkward. You know, It's a lot of emotion. This person's hurting. And sometimes you'll think, I'm just going to leave them be. And I would encourage you to be that friend. Who doesn't do that. Who shows up, Who just sends a message, Who says, I'm sorry. Who shows up, Who asks to hang out, To meet up. Even if that is rejected, Fine. You know, That's not up to us. But you did your part. Let us see to it that the recollection of those whom we have lost becomes a pleasant memory to us. Memory. So memory can hold sweetness and sting together. I don't know why, But I don't feel like the modern world. Appreciates memory as much. I think it's because everything can be filmed or photographed now. Whereas imagine being in a generation where you can't take pictures of anything. Um, The holiday that you, That you went on or the experience that you had, All you have left of that is memory. And this is the ancient Stoics, Right? Like the friendships that they had, The relationships, The conversations, There's no video footage of that. It's just the memory that they have. And so they would often go back into the memories and almost like use that memory as a way to generate positive emotion, Like playing a movie in their mind. Seneca teacher, Atlas, Said, The remembrance of lost friends is pleasant in the same way that certain fruits have an agreeably acid taste, Or as in extremely old wines, It is their very bitterness that pleases us. And to think of friends who are alive and well is like enjoying a meal of cakes and honey. The recollection of friends who have passed away gives a pleasure that is not without a touch of bitterness. So if you have lost people. Spend some time bringing them to mind. It doesn't have to be purely enjoyable. It can have a bit of bitterness to it. But there's nothing wrong with that. It doesn't mean that it's not worthwhile going back into that memory and appreciating it. One of the things that you often see with grief is that people want to avoid the thing that makes them upset. They stop thinking about the person that they lost. Um. . . And I think Seneca here is advising us to not do that, To go into it and to hold the sweetness and this thing side by side. We're going to go into the second practice now. We're going to widen the frame. From the last scene to the whole story. Think of the thing that you might grieve, That you have grieved, That you are grieving. And write down three things that this person-pet relationship or chapter of life gave you that cannot be taken back. Examples might be habits, A phrase, A way of seeing, Perspective, A place you went together, Part of you that exists, An element of your personality, An insight. Three things that this person-peddle relationship or chapter gave you that cannot be taken back. Seneca says, To have maybe taken from us, To have had never. If it's a complicated situation, You maybe don't see it through the lens of gratitude. Instead, Ask, What did I learn? What am I glad is mine now? What do I choose not to carry forward? So almost like, What negatives will I now avoid because of this situation? So let's spend some time doing this now, The control line. So the Stoics would say you have two categories. You have one category of things that are completely up to you, And then you have another category of things that are not completely up to you. You could say that there's a partly up to me category. Like a true Stoic would say, That's not strictly speaking true. Either it's completely up to you or it's not completely up to you. Not completely up to you would be partly up to me. So you still have the two categories, But just for understanding it, It can be helpful to think of partial control. So things that are not up to me. The past. Things that have already happened. How other people grieve, How fast I heal, What my body wants to do. You know, In the Incaridion, He talks about body, Property, Reputation, Possessions. These are not up to you directly, Right? Like you can, I've been contemplating this recently, Right? You can live the life as the fittest human being ever. You can do everything right. You can completely biohack all aspects of your life and you can still get Seer is the second die. It's not completely up to you, No matter what you do. You may stack the deck in your favor, Sure, And it can be a preferred indifferent, But you can't control it. And then you have the things that are up to you, Where my attention goes, How I honor people that have passed away, How I speak to myself, How you communicate with yourself, Whether I ask for help or not. Partly up to me would be sleep, Food, Movement, Who I spend time with, Rituals and anniversaries, Getting support. So just the sort of logistical areas in your life. If you take these three columns now. Can you write your own version of this and link it back to grief, Link it back to the situation that you are dealing with now or that you've chosen as your example? Write a few things that are not up to you. These are things that are not within your control and are typically going to be external things. You know, Not internal things. So things in the environment, Including situations that have already happened, Other people, You know, How they act, What they do. And then write down the column up to me. So what can you do? You could choose your intentions, Your attitude, How you respond. What you decide to do next, How you speak to yourself. Things like getting support, And then things that are partly up to you. Okay, So start to differentiate these two things. Healthy grieving. Switches, Moves back and forth, Sometimes minute to minute, Hour to hour, Day to day. When you're facing a loss, Head on, This will often happen in the early stages, Crying, Missing them, Looking at photos, Visiting the grave, Talking about them. When you live aside grief, You have to get on with work, Parenting, Chores, Admin, Walking, Movies, Seeing friends, New routines. Both sides are forms of grieving. A break from grief is also part of grief. Fourth practice, Permission to rest. This is something I did do at the beginning, And I found it very helpful, But I wish I had done it a bit more. That's the advice that I would give someone now is that actually spend time with your grief and also time away from it instead of just sort of letting life come a million miles an hour towards you. So If you're going through anything difficult, I would recommend even putting on a calendar. Like, I'm going to process my grief on Thursday at 1pm. And also on Sunday at 3 p. M. , I'm going to meet up with a friend and give myself a break from grieving. You know, Actually schedule it in. So this is something that I'd recommend that you do. And write down a few examples of ways that you would take a break from the loss and ways that you're going to face the loss head on. I recommend you do that now. Just write a few examples of that. It's so obvious now when I say it like this, Hopefully, But a lot of us don't go out of our way to do this. Growing around grief. Early on, Grief is all-consuming if it's a very intense type of grief. It's all we think about it. And part of us wishes we could just get rid of it. Um, But instead of thinking about grief as something that shrinks, Instead, Maybe space can open up around it instead. Okay, So new connections, New experiences, New routines, You know, But it doesn't mean that we stop living our lives. You know, It's like I hold these memories. Close to me. They matter to me. I feel something about it. There's meaning that comes up for me. And my life has built around it. Love doesn't end, But relationships change shape. Okay, Talking to them, Keeping their things, Carrying their values. Seneca says, A great part of those we have loved, Though chance has removed their persons, Still abides with us. So when someone we love has died. The love doesn't suddenly disappear from our body. The relationship changes shape. It's to write an unsent letter to this person that you've lost. What I want you to know, What I'm carrying forward from you, And what I'm still working out. And if you haven't lost anyone, You can write it to your future self instead. So if you have lost anyone, The love is still there. The relationship has changed shape now. And this is my favorite exercise, The fifth practice. Love the people still here. Let us greedily enjoy our friends because we do not know how long this privilege will be ours. So name the person who is still here. Write one thing you'd want them to know. Tell them this week in your own way. Spend some time focusing on the people we still have. So these are the five practices. Just to recap, The flinch. Notice the first movement, Name it, This is a first movement, And drop the extra story. Exercise number two, What I was given. Three things that something that you lost has given you that can never be taken back. Number three, The control line, The dichotomy of control. Sort what's up to you now. How fast you heal is not up to you. Permission to rest. Schedule some time with the grief and some time away from it. Do both. Don't constantly live in the grief, Don't constantly avoid it. And the fifth one is tell them now, The people. That are still in your life, Tell them why they matter. And underneath all five, Be as kind to yourself as you would be to a grieving friend. Treat yourself like a friend. And give yourself permission to be human. That is fundamental to this.