What are some tools to battle unhealthy desires?
Person asking the question says,
I've become pretty good at reframing obstacles and bad things to find what's good in them.
However,
I still struggle with resisting unhealthy desires.
Basically,
I feel a slave to things like food,
Porn,
And other dopamine-inducing behaviors.
I know the Stoics recognize the dangers of these things,
But I'm curious to learn some tools to use when these desires pop up.
So what you're highlighting here is that we can read articles and books on the psychology and the neurobiology of dealing with cravings.
But however much you learn about how cravings work,
How the mind works,
Stopping the cravings in real time is a whole other can of worms.
It's a whole other skill.
And I'm certain that there are leading experts in the science of dopamine and craving that are addicted to things.
I'm certain of it,
Because it's a whole different skill to have to deal with that in the moment.
So one technique that Epictetus recommended that we use in the handbook is that whenever we feel a craving to do something,
We compare the feeling of having resisted it in the future and the feeling of having done it,
And then compare those two feelings and see which one feels better.
So it's almost like a form of psychological time-traveling.
Let's just say that you have the desire to watch pornography.
Super difficult to desire to manage,
Especially with the ease of the super stimuli and there's really no cost to doing it.
It's extremely low effort.
The same as overeating.
It's a very subtle and gradual type of bad habit that isn't going to ruin your life in a day or a week,
Right,
It kind of creeps up on you,
The negative effects of these things.
And so Epictetus would say,
Imagine after you've watched porn and the feeling that you have,
How does that feel?
What are you thinking about yourself?
What are you thinking about life?
Are you glad that you did that?
Do you feel like you're becoming stronger by doing that?
And really put yourself into that place in the future.
And then also put yourself into the place in the future where you said,
You know,
Not today.
Nope,
Not gonna happen today.
I'm going to resist the craving,
Resist the desire.
I'm going to say no to it and I'm gonna carry on with my day and learn to master my own mind.
How does that feel?
And then ask,
Which one do you want?
And make that decision.
But here's the catch,
Nobody's gonna do this for you.
It's gonna take effort.
You have to actually go through that process when you feel a craving.
And it can be difficult.
I like Anna Lemke's description of an addiction.
Anna Lemke wrote the book,
Dopamine Nation,
And she's worked for decades with addicted individuals,
Heroin addicts,
Sex addicts,
And so on.
And she says that an addiction is very much like an itch.
You have this,
Say,
Itch on your back and you can't quite get it.
And you know that if you do itch your back,
It's actually going to make everything a lot worse.
You know that it's gonna go on its own eventually,
But not right now.
And so you use discipline and you practice not itching.
Okay,
I'm not gonna itch my back.
You use mindfulness,
Pay attention to the itch.
Okay,
It's not as bad as I thought.
And so bit by bit,
You learn to resist this itch.
Where it gets tricky is when you're distracted.
You're watching TV,
You're stressed,
You're having an argument.
And without realizing it,
Your hand just creeps up and scratches.
And that's it,
That's all it takes.
You scratch the itch,
You didn't realize you even did it,
And now it's all downhill from here.
After two weeks of not scratching the itch,
You'll be fine.
Things will get easier.
But those first two weeks of not scratching the itch is hard,
It's really hard.
And in fact,
The desire to itch your back grows even more intense with each passing day of those two weeks.
To the point that day 10,
Day 12,
All you can think about is scratching that itch.
And this is the struggle with addiction.
And it often creeps up on us in our moments of vulnerability,
In our moments of being unconscious.
And I really like that image.
But I don't want to just be another person who's giving you theory and images on addiction.
I wanna share with you a technique that I actually use and I found it incredibly helpful.
And it's something that you can start doing today.
Everyone listening can start doing this today if you have any kinds of cravings.
And this is called the ride the wave technique to manage cravings.
This technique comes from Dr.
Aziz Ghazipour in his book,
On My Own Side.
And I'm just gonna read to you the passage where he describes this technique and I hope it's useful.
So here it is.
Ride the wave of craving.
When there's something you find yourself craving but know it's not the best for you,
Here's a powerful technique you can apply.
About two years ago,
I decided to stop all use of pornography.
I had been exposed to it at the age of 11 and I'd used porn regularly since that time,
Even while in romantic relationships.
After a period of deep investigation of the impact of porn on my life,
Including my relationship,
Sexuality and brain chemistry,
I decided I no longer wanted to use it.
So one day I made the final decision to never use porn again.
But I found that this compulsion had a form of intensity that was much stronger than an urge for a particular food.
This makes sense as the rush of dopamine from using porn is most likely stronger than from say,
Processed sugar.
I began to bring mindfulness to the process and developed a technique that I call riding the wave,
In which you take careful note of the experience of the craving.
Here's how to do it.
When you notice the craving arise,
Pause what you are doing and pay attention to it.
Cravings can come on strong and fast and sometimes lead to immediately acting on them without even thinking about it,
As if your body has been taken over.
Do your best to pause,
Breathe,
Close your eyes and ask yourself,
How strong is this craving on a scale from one to 10?
Rate the craving in its intensity and also the time since it began.
Also note what the craving is saying,
As in what is it urging you to do and how your mind is urging you to do it.
For example,
Desire level,
Eight out of 10.
Time,
Zero minutes,
What it's saying.
Do it,
Do it now.
It will be so bright and shiny and gratifying.
Do it now,
Don't wait.
I have found this is often the case with cravings.
There is an urgency to them and a feeling that you must do it and do it now.
Interesting,
As most likely,
You could do it in an hour or so,
But that's not how cravings work.
This part of you wants you to do it now,
So it creates a false sense of urgency.
There can also be a strong sense of aching or longing or missing out if you don't do it now.
Just ride the wave and hang on,
It's building.
You can either sit there in a form of meditation,
Observing the craving,
Or busy yourself with something else,
Such as a work project or washing dishes.
Check again in a few minutes.
How strong is the craving now?
I've noticed that sometimes within as little as two minutes,
The craving can be significantly less.
Keep checking back every few minutes to see what the intensity level is and jot it down somewhere.
Writing down the numbers and seeing how the craving arises,
Peaks and falls can give you a great sense of mastery over the process.
You know that all you have to do is wait it out,
Even though that craving voice inside tells you that the feeling will never go away until you indulge.
During this process,
You can also remind yourself of your reasons for not wanting to indulge in this behavior or substance.
You can project into the future and imagine how you'd feel after indulging.
You can create a sense of aversion that gives you fuel to resist the urge to cave in and do it.
I found that after seven to 10 minutes,
The craving is almost always gone.
Of course,
When I check back in at that time,
It can resurge a little back to a three or four,
But if I keep focusing on something else,
It will disappear entirely.
The more you practice this technique and successfully dodge the craving impulse,
The less intense the cravings will become.
I often remind myself that indulging now will only make me want it even more tomorrow and it will be even harder then because I'd just indulged.
Over time,
The cravings become less intense and less frequent to where they appear only on rare occasions and are easy to resist.
Of course,
In this process,
If you do end up caving in and going for it,
What are you going to do?
That's right,
Beat yourself up mercilessly.
No,
Instead practice instant forgiveness.
Soothe the judgmental part inside of you that is angry at you for doing it and scared of bad things happening.
Reassure yourself that you're okay and that forgiveness,
Self-love,
And understanding are the keys to making the change over time.
Say to yourself and any part of you that is upset,
I'm sorry,
Please forgive me,
Thank you,
I love you.
Repeat these phrases again and again as you breathe in and out slowly.
It's okay,
You're okay.
The most important thing to do now is to remain on your own side and that truly is the most important thing,
My friend,
Not just with cravings or productivity or goals or relationships,
In all things.
What if your highest priority was to be on your own side first?
And so that is the ride the wave technique and I find it to be incredibly useful and it is something that you can practice in the moment.
You can do it with a notebook,
Without a notebook,
With your phone,
Without your phone and it's a really good practice.
And if you get good at it,
You can use it for literally anything and you can get to a point where any craving that comes up,
You can manage.
And how cool would that be?
Food,
Pornography,
Substances,
Anything.
You can ride the wave.
You can do what you want to do.
So enjoy and get practicing.
There's no better time than today.
