Welcome,
I'm James Davis,
A coaching psychologist,
And I specialize in helping people navigate midlife,
Improve their wellbeing,
And create more fulfilling lives.
Today we're going to explore something that affects many of us,
Our inner critic.
It's that voice in your head that questions your decisions.
Remind you of your mistakes,
And sometimes makes you feel as though you're simply not good enough.
So this session is for anyone who struggles with self-doubt.
Affectionism,
Or being overly critical of themselves.
I'm going to explain why that inner voice develops and share three practical ways to start changing the conversation.
Some of their affections might bring up uncomfortable experiences or memories.
If that happens,
Take things at your own pace.
You don't need to push yourself.
Okay,
Let's get started.
Let me ask you something.
Would you speak to your best friend the way you sometimes speak to yourself?
Would you tell them that they're useless because they've made a mistake?
Would you tell them that they're not good enough because they failed at something?
Would you constantly remind them of all the things they've got wrong?
Probably not.
We probably wouldn't have many friends,
But many of us have an internal voice that does exactly that.
It's what psychologists often refer to as the inner critic.
And for some people,
That voice can be pretty relentless and pretty nasty.
So let's start with something important.
Your inner critic isn't necessarily trying to destroy your confidence.
Often,
It's trying to protect you,
To keep you safe.
It might have developed through experiences growing up,
Criticism from others,
Difficult relationships,
Workplace pressures or simply years of comparing yourself with other people.
Perhaps you were brought up believing that you had to work hard to earn approval.
Perhaps making mistakes wasn't acceptable.
Perhaps he learnt that showing vulnerability was a weakness.
Over time,
These experiences can become internal rules that we operate by.
We start to believe we must always get things right,
That we must keep everybody happy.
That we must never show weakness,
That we have to be successful.
And then when we don't meet those expectations,
Which of course happens,
The internal voice appears saying,
You should have done better.
Why did you say that?
You're just not as good as everyone else.
Who do you think you are?
Tell me if that sound familiar.
The problem is that constant self-criticism doesn't necessarily make us better.
It doesn't fix us.
It can make us anxious,
Hesitant,
And even afraid to take risks.
So it starts to undermine our confidence and stop us from doing things that might actually move our lives forward.
So what can we do?
Well,
I'd like to introduce you to a simple three-step approach.
Step one,
Recognize the voice.
First thing is to become aware of when you're criticising yourself.
Notice the language you're using.
Perhaps you make a mistake at work and immediately think,
Oh,
I'm such an idiot.
Or you look in the mirror and think,
Oh,
I look terrible today.
Or perhaps you could pay your life with someone else's and conclude that you're falling behind.
Don't judge yourself for having these thoughts,
Just notice them.
Because there's an important difference between having a thought and accepting that thought as truth.
We can think of something without it being an accurate reflection of who we really are.
To remember that.
Step 2.
Challenge the Thor!
When that critical voice appears,
Ask yourself three questions.
Is this really true?
Am I being fair to myself?
And what would I say to someone I care about if they were in this situation?
For example,
Perhaps you've made a mistake.
Instead of saying,
I'm useless,
You might say,
I made a mistake,
I don't like it,
But I can learn from it and do things differently next time.
It's not making excuses,
It's taking responsibility without attacking your own self-worth.
Step three,
Change the conversation.
This is where you deliberately practice a different internal dialogue.
Instead of saying,
I can't do this,
Try,
This is difficult,
But I can figure it out.
I'm just too old to start again.
Try again.
Got more experience than I've ever had.
Perhaps this is exactly the right time.
I'm not good enough.
Try.
I don't have to be perfect,
I just have to keep learning.
Notice the difference there.
We're not pretending everything is wonderful,
We're replacing unhelpful criticism with something that is more balanced and constructive.
And I'd like you to remember one thing.
You don't need to become your own biggest cheerleader overnight.
You just need to stop being your own worst enemy.
So here's an exercise I'd like you to try.
Over the next few days,
Notice the three most common criticisms you direct towards yourself.
Write them down,
Then alongside each one,
Write a more balanced and helpful response.
Practice using that response whenever the old thought appears.
Now this might feel a little unnatural initially and that's okay.
You're developing a new habit and habits take time to bed in.
Keep practicing.
Perhaps the most important thing I want you to take away is this.
You can hold yourself accountable without making yourself feel worthless.
You can want to improve without believing you're inadequate.
And you can recognise your weaknesses without forgetting your strengths.
Also,
You can be ambitious without being cruel to yourself.
So the next time that inner critic starts talking,
Pause for a moment.
Ask yourself whether you'd speak to somebody else in the same way,
And if the answer is no,
Then perhaps it's time to change that internal dialogue.
Thank you for joining me today.
I hope you found this session helpful.
If you enjoyed it,
I'd love you to come back and join me for another practice here on Insight Timer.
Until next time,
Take care of yourself and remember to be a little kinder to yourself.
Take care.
