A Fulfilling Emotional Life - Live Recording 10 March 2023

This is a recording of a part of Femke's Monthly Friday LIVE - In this talk Femke talks about what emotions are, how we cn distinguisg these from feelings, what emotions mean to us and how we can deal with them. After her talk, in which she addresses questions of participants, she guides you in a meditation to empower you to be with your own emotions.

Transcript

Hello lovely friends, Welcome to my monthly Friday live So, Oh, I'm already five minutes in with just chit-chatting with you guys You know me at the end of everything I will come back here and for those who want to stay I will chit-chat a little bit more But what I really would like to hear from you now, What would be a fulfilling emotional life for you? Or what is it that made you come here? Besides maybe that you want to join my life, But what is it in this topic that's Intrigues you fascinates you wonders because this is what we're going to speak about a fulfilling Emotional life. What is that? So I'm going to speak about emotions. What are emotions actually? What can we do with it? And what can we do when our emotions are feeling unpleasant? And how can we deal with those and after I speak a little bit more about that? I will guide you in a meditation I'll guide you in a visualization where we are going to use some different tools that will help you to feel To get a sense of power and I don't mean harsh power I mean that gentle power that self gentle power to deal with those emotions Because you know what emotions can be really really tough. I know I'm I'm not a big star With in dealing with emotions. I'm getting better at it. I'm working consciously with it But so in my very first career when I was an actor, They always puzzled me as an actor I was always trying to make them feel for real and then I was feeling them for real I didn't know what to do with it emotions can be quite difficult and Do we learn in school how to deal with them? No generally when we feel emotions in school, We're told to To dim it to keep them in not to cry maybe to go outside Not to show it when we're angry, You know all those kind of things In general we as humankind we are not so good in teaching our children teaching ourselves What emotions are and how to deal with it? So we're going to address that Let me see what some people have been saying here Christopher says For me, It means being able to overcome my life's struggles and cycles of bad choices I can't have fulfilling life if I keep taking stack steps Backwards in my recovery. Well, I really love this clarity that you have Christopher you You really have an idea of where you want to be and how you want to deal with these things And that's really great I think it's about 90% of all the work just knowing what it is that you need what you want to give yourself So I just said I'm a meditation teacher. I'm an inspirational speaker here inside timer And my core teaching is self gentleness and I will give you the definition. You've heard it probably before It's radically accepting yourself as the most important person to consistently deserve your own gentleness and why is that so important because being self gentle And becoming more and more self gentle radically and consistently So always also vis-a-vis others that are expecting different things from you there's a big quality in that when you start to have that self gentle approach to yourself and to your life and Like Christopher said knowing what it is that can hold you back it's a big part of that and then you can start to apply the self gentle approach to to Take that step-by-step approach further So I really love that Christopher. Thank you so much for sharing that with us I'm Sarah saying Fulfilling emotional life for me would be being able to be content in life Peaceful and happy feeling connection with others being able to accept and love myself. That's beautiful Sarah. That's really really great I Really love it when you when you write it up because there's a lot of self gentleness in that It's like being content in life. We so often forget about that that by just taking a look at What is going well, Or maybe just going okay in your life? What's things you feel Pleased with feels you feel content about that's a really important basis for bringing the peacefulness in your life So I really really love that Debbie says feeling confident and strong that would be Fulfilling emotional life, That's great unless you feel that confidence and Strength are far away and a question for you would be What would bring you strength? So what is strength? I myself have had a Life in which I thought strength was you know going strong keep on going being tough having to do everything by myself not asking for help and That might be strong you might survive But is it also gentle for yourself, Or is it also strength to be with your emotions? To feel to take care of yourself when you need that you know so it's good to examine where that strength lies for you and If you want to achieve that in a way that is gentle for you and not per se something that will protect you from The pain others might inflict upon you because then there's not so much gentleness for you It's more like you know pulling up those walls which sometimes we need you know not everyone is so kind in life But you know try to play a little bit with that what it would be for you, So Let's see Where was Jamie says moving through life comments are moving moving through life with more confidence and less Scared and it's good to know you know and scared that that's that's a terrible feeling But we can work with that it's something that I will address in the meditation Randy says wanting more self-trust self-appreciation and less self-doubt less shame Yeah, So I think there's a lot of resonance here with with with you guys seeking for the peacefulness seeking for the balance seeking for trusting in yourself connecting with yourselves appreciating the peace trusting in yourself connecting with yourselves appreciating yourself I really like that because that is all connecting to that concept of self gentleness Caroline says love without anger being able to connect better with others That's also beautiful love without anger hmm I would start with finding a gentleness for yourself and finding that that sense of How you will not be angry with yourself that always is a very big step in Loving others also without anger all right. Let's see Mel says being able to be with my full range of emotions beautiful doing things in life having deep connections with people that allow me to feel the essence of human emotion sorry the screen popped and Connect to love that's beautiful Mel, And that's really really I know we know each other already for some time reflects Where you are in that in a beautiful process in your life? Thank you so much for sharing that Vandana fulfilling emotional life will be to be able to recognize and move with my emotions Feel them and release them. That's really great Vandana. That's that's like Hands hands-on approach to How to deal with emotion that's something that we're going to address also in a minute. Thank you so much for sharing that Yes, As to be fully aware of the human experience. Oh, I like that one also That's also something we're going to speak about The The human experience exists from so many emotions and those emotions might feel pleasant and unpleasant and they're also Important really great. Thank you so much for sharing. I'm not sure I will start in a minute Thank you for your compliment my dear Hans Hi bumpy not being identified and complete acceptance and awareness must be Fulfilling not being identified complete acceptance and awareness must be fulfilling. That's beautiful That's also really beautiful. Yes, Sandy says that you've lost jobs due to not being careful with emotions Like getting angry and just expressing it things like that Yeah, All right. Let me see Evie welcome lovely to see you here also an EGA Alka says I want to leave past in the past be it my choices or others Treatment with me live and enjoy the present more and be me more Emotionally open and available to my family beautiful, So Thank you all so much for sharing these these these wishes about a fulfilling emotional life And there are a few things that I see there about how to deal with those emotions that Feel like you're taking you down, You know, A lot of people are expressing the wish to feel more confidence Strength more compassion for yourself more love for yourself Then there is this part of people say well to experience emotions and to just know how to deal with them And there are some more saying well, I would like to have some control over those emotions And and then I know the word control might sound a little bit big Like in holding on to it, This is not what I mean, But I do want to self empower you to know how to deal with emotions So let's start With my talk about that What are emotions? So in psychology we make a difference between feelings and emotions feelings are an immediate response to something that happens and that might be something that Is external of you or something internal of you and then you have a response in your body Mays basically which is a physical response and in the moment you start to add thoughts to those feelings it evolves into an emotion and Why do I make that distinction? Because we feel all kind of things You know we have such a memory that just the smell of something from your childhood you smell this it can Suddenly bring an emotion that can be based on the memory or something Some someone can say something to us that it's really important Someone can say something to us that it's really innocent But it immediately triggers that feeling and all those things if we would just be aware of those feelings That they are happening and that we can just be with them and then just let them go You know, Let them go out of our body again. Just see these as physical responses Basically from our body to anything that happens Then they would actually just flow out I don't know if you aware of the work of John Rosenberg John Rosenberg if you google her later on She had a great TED talk and even more I think About emotional mastery. That's her program and she explains that feelings and emotions are a physiological response a response of your body on something that happens and And if you are able to just stick with that physical sensation Without adding stories and thoughts to it and you stick with that feeling that you will notice that these come in waves of 60 to 90 seconds through your body and that it's just riding these waves To let them go out of your body so I will get back to that in a minute So why I make this distinction the moment that we start start to add thoughts to our feelings We create emotions because those thoughts are very often have to do with why am I feeling this? Like for instance the example that I said you smell something. It's from your childhood There is a feeling in your body that and and and you you understand on a conscious or not so conscious level That this has to do something with that scar you still have something that you experienced something that was painful hurtful Making you angry and then the thoughts start to be produced to to justify that feeling to as if your mind starts to produce more thoughts around this so that you start to really Feel this emotion and you also feel entitled to have this emotion It's not a pretty word to say entitled, But i'm using it on purpose because Taking care of yourself to get to that emotional fulfilling life also means Allowing yourself to move on from those emotions. Okay, So an emotion is a response in your body Based on thoughts that you have so you can to do two things when you feel an emotion And that is the first one is to add more thoughts To start to explain to yourselves and others why you're feeling this what is going on? So you're adding to this emotion and By all means I don't mean that you never have to understand what is going on because it can be you know Especially when you are speaking with someone or you're in therapy or you're speaking with another professional It can be really helpful to get an idea of what is going on why things are Stirred up within you if these old wounds are you know being aroused and that is the emotion But if we start to use those explanations and those stories to allow ourselves to feel this again And again and again, Then we get in those circles those circles of very unpleasant emotions One great thing that you could do to help yourself is to not speak any more of positive and negative emotions But to start speaking about pleasant and unpleasant emotions, Which means some emotions feel pleasant in your body You know when someone makes us laugh It feels pleasant to laugh. It feels pleasant to be happy, Right? So that's a pleasant emotion It feels good in your body and when an emotion doesn't feel so pleasant. It's an unpleasant emotion. It's not a negative emotion It's an unpleasant emotion And by using these words you help yourself to Allow those emotions in your life. So unpleasant emotions means that there is an unpleasant feeling in your body your physiological response doesn't feel pleasant But that's something else than a negative emotion because when you use the word negative emotion, You feel like I cannot feel that I should not feel that I don't want to feel it. I'm pushing against it And you know, I don't know if this is true for you But if I start to push against something it just comes stronger back and back to me So that turned out to be really helpful for me to know if emotions are feeling pleasant or feeling unpleasant And then the second step I just mentioned John Rosenberg and that she said when you focus on the physiological response of your body and you realize that these Physical responses are only lasting 60 to 90 Seconds you can ride them out. It's like the waves, You know, You have you have a You have you have a beautiful metaphor. There's a storm at sea. The waves are really really high But when the storm Goes down The waves still are there, But they become smaller and smaller and smaller. So being with those emotions just Realizing that this is a physical response and how can you do that? It's just by bringing your attention to what you are feeling with your body. So for instance You smell something the example I just used and you suddenly feel a lot of sadness so You could then start to think. Oh, Yes I smell this when my grandmother died and I was so sad and I miss her sins And I I really feel that everything went downward since my grandmother died, You know with those thoughts You build up those waves you create a tsunami within you and Actually, You don't allow that tsunami to wave through you. You just build it up within you And and because you keep staring on it, It just builds up Higher and higher and you cannot really release it or let it go But if you start to feel oh I feel sadness and I feel that because I get a pit in my stomach And I feel that my throat is is is getting sore I feel that there is water in my eyes. There are tears running off my cheeks So you're focusing on what your body is doing what the response of your body is With the realization that this physical response will peter out after 60 to 90 seconds and yes Then there will be another wave but also that way will be 60 to 90 seconds and then it will be another wave But that also that way will be 60 to 90 seconds and the more you start to ride those waves Focusing only on what you're feeling in your body it becomes Easier it becomes Gentler and the sharpness will go and unpleasantness will go I have a personal example for you And if you've been here more often when I was speaking about emotions, You might have heard it So if i'm telling you again I'm telling you again. I'm, Sorry for that, But I think it's a great story Um, So I had a kitten This kitten was born in my house in my hands because she was a daughter of one of my cats and her siblings Got new houses, But we decided to keep her because she was the most adorable sweetest cat ever She loved us unconditionally and and it was it was a beautiful connection So she was with us for one year and then on one night She was killed by a car because in the middle of the night she ran over the street and the car hit her and she died Which is really really sad, Of course So I was really sad about that And I decided now for the first time in my life because I was someone if I was feeling sad I was trying to push it away. I was trying to be strong not to feel it too much Not to cry too much, But I decided I was already I just became a meditation teacher then I had meditated a lot and I had learned a lot about emotions Also about what John Rosenberg was telling and I decided I'm going to ride those waves of grief Because I love this cat and I just want to Honor that love and by just grieving So what I did I was sitting in meditation and I just let the grief wash over me and something remarkable happens By just staying with that grief by riding those waves and I have to tell you those waves Kept coming for about four days and I don't mean 24 seven because yes I also went to eat and but I was sitting a lot in my meditation corner Just grieving and just letting that be there without adding those stories. But what happened So much more grief came out of that. I've had a lot of grief in my life that I never really processed In a way that it was out of me There were still tsunamis within me and while I was grieving this beautiful cat I so deeply felt that She helped me her death Grieving her helped me to release so many other emotions of grief that I was crying On and off for about four days and it was it was terribly unpleasant It was hurtful, But I stuck with the physical sensation And I I didn't even want to know what kind of other grief was there, You know with my head I can tell you what it was, But i'm not going to tell you because it's not important There was a lot of grief that was flowing through me and out me and At the end of those four days after crying a lot after being with it I started to feel that those waves became smaller and smaller and that I felt such a relief such a release of so many things that so many tsunamis that were still stored in my body And I felt a lot of gratitude for this beautiful kitten that apparently had to die On whatever reason to help me process That grief that was still stuck. I'm not saying that this is a divine intervention because I don't believe so much in that but I do believe that my unconditional love for this cat helped me to To process a lot of things that were still in me But it was also the decision to stick with the physiological response To decide to honor those emotions not to be a victim of those emotions To honor those emotions not to push them away and to just be with those and And just see what happened and it it was a remarkable healing A healing period of time for me So i'm telling you it's really personal story. I've shared it before because I think it really shows in a in a very clear way What I mean about it and I think we can all relate to these things I don't think I would have cried for four days just over this beautiful cat You know, I would have been sad but it brought so many other things It released so many other things which was a gift in the end So that is about dealing with those emotions There is an important thing that I want to add to this which is a different take on emotions and that is Emotions can function as a guidance system for you. So If you take yourself Let's say your inner being your core being your soul your your gut feeling Your soul Whatever word you like to use for who you truly are your authentic self Your authentic self Your intuition your soul knows What is good for you knows what you want in life knows how you can find that joy I mean, I believe that we are all here to experience Physical life with a lot of joy And if we allow ourselves that through a really self-gentle approach we can grow we can heal We can be there for others. We can give to others. We can connect to others And our emotions are a guidance system. They're almost like a compass Showing us whether we're going against that knowledge of our intuition our soul Or are we flowing with it? So if you see The path of your authentic self as a flow as a river that you want to just surrender to move on Float on and you start to use your emotions as a compass telling you If they feel unpleasant Apparently i'm holding back Apparently I have thoughts Or i'm doing things that are going against this stream So suddenly you realize that when you feel an unpleasant emotion that you're holding on to something And you cannot really flow or that you're trying to swim against the stream with a lot of struggle because you're holding on A lot of struggle because you want to Do something a certain way But when it feels good when the emotion feels pleasant That is the moment where you find ease where you find the flow Where you can stream with them be surprised and delighted by the most beautiful things on your path So if you want to read or hear more about this approach I didn't think of this. This is coming from the work of Esther Hicks. You could also Also known as Abram Hicks Which wrote a beautiful book about our emotional life and how our emotions are a guidance system This is something that i'm also applying and You can really fine-tune yourself in that The slightest feeling that you can have in your stomach or in your throat depending on where you feel it Is a sign of telling you Hey, You're going against yourself. You're going against there is some resistance. There is resistance against What it is that you truly want and so often that is Living with ease allowing yourself to live with ease to be kind to yourself to be kind to others to not living up to expectations that you feel are basically not your own but you feel you have to do that all those things and So for me emotions are a guidance system So if this is completely new to you, Then just think it over but maybe it resonates with you Maybe you're using this already in that way and therefore I really love self-gentleness because Everything I teach in self-gentleness and you know here on insight timer I have a course in Dutch and a course in English about self-gentleness Also, If you go to my profile profile on insight timer, You can download A free checklist with self-gentleness practices Teaching yourself to be gentle with yourself is the best gift you can give yourself because you will start to teach yourself to to take life with ease To use your to tune into your emotions to tune into yourself to feel what it is needed Whatever it is because what you need right now can be something completely different than what you need right now Can be something completely different than what you need in 10 minutes You know we are like that but tuning in and knowing what it is If you need to rest or you need to jump you need to run or you need to sleep You need to speak or you need to silence you need to connect with others or you just need to be on your own Feeling connecting with all those things. It's it's really important for helping you on this and your emotions Are the first sign in your body Which work as a guidance system which are working as a compass All right um So I spoke already a lot. I'm just taking a look at what else. Yeah, So um how to get that Fine-tuning Knowing the feelings and emotions in your body and how to deal with that. So meditation is one of the best things Because when you meditate you you teach yourself To detach from all those thoughts that can stir up so many things and spillover effect is that At a certain point in your life After meditating on a regular basis and you might have that experience because you're in here in an inside time where you probably meditate already a lot You start to notice that this spillover effect comes also in your life that you also are able to release thoughts When you're not in meditation, But when you're annoyed in traffic when you your boss asks something from you that feels not so good you know, So meditation is a really really great tool for that and You can also apply meditation to train that self-gentleness. So So if you have a premium account on inside time Which I would really recommend you if you have the means to do it It's 60 dollars a year you unlock unlock more than thousand courses of meditation I have over a thousand courses of the best meditation teachers in the world, Including my courses And you have some other perks like being able to download Download tracks and being offline So, You know 60 dollars it might be a lot of money for you, But you do get a lot back for it So it's like an investment in yourself also um so um, You know self-gentleness courses a dutch one and an english one Um, I offer some tools And actually some of these tools are in a slightly differently but longer form Also within my track list if you go to my track list in my profile You find there all kind of practices written self-gentleness somewhere in the title or in the description But tuning in is one of those tuning in. It's just taking one or two minutes Every time you do it and you can do it once a day. You can do it 20 times a day It's just taking that moment To just close your eyes and to tune in what's going on in my body What is it that I need right now? And the best moment to start with that is in the morning when you just wake up You're still in bed. Your eyes are still closed that you just first greet yourself really really kindly Lovingly and then you feel what is it that I need right now and then if you are able to Live up to that need do it And if you cannot right now because it might be you wake up You have to get up the kids have to go to school. You have to go to your work and you feel I want to sleep Yeah, It might be hard then to go back to sleep but you can Acknowledge that you need more rest and then to say well in my break i'm going to take a power nap or in my break I'm going to nature make a walk or tonight i'm canceling those dinner plans and i'm going to bed early You know, Whatever it is to honor that need And if you cannot live up to it right now, Then promise yourself you will get back to that in a way or not And I think when you start your day every day like that, You know, You would just try it for 30 days It will make a big difference because you connect to the sensitivity within you to um To become aware of what is going on You know, Our lives are often so busy with so many demands of work and family and friends and plans and expectations our own ideals our own aspirations So that sometimes we run over What is actually going on within us? Especially when we run into emotions unpleasant emotions, Which we don't want to feel because they Hold us back from all those things we have to do And we start to push them down ignore them not acknowledge them and then they get Those tsunamis in our bodies and then I think it was really sad that I needed a cat to Let me release all those emotions. I'm grateful that it happened, But i'm also really happy that i'm now so much more fine-tuned that Whenever there is emotion I feel it. I cannot deny it anymore when I have an emotion. I have to work with it I cannot deny my emotions anymore and that makes me feel sometimes vulnerable But it's also it's also a gift because it it really helps me to become more authentic person that I am so and then And a really important part of this and that is something that I've I've actually only learned Recently more and more myself that it is it is okay to reach out to people who love you it's perfectly, Okay When you have those emotions to rely on others to be there for you, You don't have to solve your problems They don't have to wipe your tears away, But just being there Seeing you hearing you truly That's so helpful. So if you are a person like I am and was Where you want to do it all by yourself It is okay to reach out to others It's something that i'm experiencing more and more and it's it's It's beautiful. So Let's meditate. All right, And after I see there are a lot of comments. I don't know if I can address everything But I will come back after I finish this video But I will come back afterwards, But I first want to meditate with you guys so Make yourself comfortable if you're not already you can lean against the back of your chair. You can lie down if you like And if you just like to sit straight up, That's also perfectly fine. Just make sure that you feel good And close your eyes And just take a moment to acknowledge that you are sitting here on your bum Feeling your feet on the ground Your hands are resting in your lap Is there any tension in your shoulders then just pull them up and just release them with a sigh Maybe let's do that again. Just pull up your shoulders and then just drop them Do you feel that sense of release by just dropping your shoulders? Now let's tune in to the here and now for a moment to the present moment and we do so by using our sense of hearing What do you hear close by in your surroundings There's always some kind of sound even if it's silence. Maybe you hear the buzzing of a light If you don't hear so much you can listen more outside. Are there is there any traffic? Airplanes birds Barking dog. Can you listen to the more subtle sounds in your environment like Your own breath if you swallow, Can you hear that? Can you hear your own heartbeat? All right now bring your attention now to whatever you are seeing with your eyes closed Yeah, You can see with your eyes closed Might be that you see just darkness blackness Maybe you see a little bit of light Maybe you see swirling colors colored dots Maybe you see light coming through your eyelids You don't have to change anything. Just observe whatever it is that you're seeing with your eyes closed Now bring your attention to your sense of touch. What is it that you feel? Pretty prevalent probably you feel your bum on the seat your back against the back of the seat feet on the ground Can you feel also more subtle? Like The way your socks are sitting on your ankles Your sweater on your skin the hair in the back of your neck the air on your cheeks All right now realize that you've brought your attention to the present moment When you compare to how you started you're way more into your own body now and that's a really great basis to start acknowledging what it is that is going on within you So let's find some confidence in this body first Now I would like you to bring your attention to your feet And now imagine and with imagine I mean use your fantasy So the word imagination or visualization imagination Generally denotes you using images in your head, But not everyone fantasizes with images So if you do then just follow my words but if you know that you fantasize with Seeing words just knowing something just feeling something then use that way of fantasizing. That's perfectly fine. You don't have to See things with your mind's eye if this is not a way for you to fantasize so Bring your attention to your feet and now fantasize imagine It's from your feet Roots are growing into the ground And they're not just growing They're growing really really deeply and really really broadly. It's like As if your feet are the trunk of a tree You know trees are so firmly rooted in the earth with their roots going As deep as they can as broad as the crown of their leaves of their branches So really feel yourself grounding into that earth growing roots So that you feel supported that you feel that That whatever is above the ground your beautiful body is supported By mother earth because you are connected to mother earth Even more let those roots grow so deep That they connect with a beautiful fiery core of mother earth You could imagine how it feels or how it looks. It's one fiery bunch of beautiful light and Give that light a color that feels to you as a grounding color the color of mother earth You could make it warm and orange. You could make it green and flowing. You could make it cool and blue You could make it any color that feels to you like a grounding power Now imagine that your roots are growing into this fiery core and that light that energy of mother earth is now Shooting up all the way up into your roots Flowing through those roots use your fantasy use your imagination to see that all flowing up up up through all those roots And feel that connection and then they shoot into your feet into your ankles your calves Your knees your legs your buttocks your belly Your chest your arms your shoulders they shoot out of your fingers It shoots up into your neck your head shooting out of the crown of your head like a fountain And just let let this earthy energy run for a moment It never runs out. It doesn't deplete because mother earth is here for you to feed you with a beautiful energizing Supporting grounding energy that flows all the way up All the way up through those roots through your body and like a fountain out of your head out of your hands and If you find it hard to imagine this that's also okay Just try to get a sense of that connection. That's also okay. Make it your own Make it something that works for you for you It's enough just to feel those roots just to feel yourself connected and carried supported by mother earth. That's great And if you can allow yourself To surrender to that feeling of all that energy running through you. That's also okay That feeling of all that energy running through you. That's also perfectly fine. Make it your own But while you're doing this realize That you are always supported by earth The ground under your feet is always there. It doesn't just disappear for you to fall in a pit suddenly No, It's there. We are all together on this beautiful planet that takes such good care of us this planet that feeds us that Provides us with oxygen that provides us with sunlight that provides us with wind that provides us with everything that we need It supports us Even though we sometimes don't even treat mother earth so well it supports us Mother earth loves us And knowing that you're always carried That you can always put your feet on the ground in the dirt in the soil That's supportive Knowing that that is always there for you Let your self-confidence Grow with all the roots that you have in the earth By the knowing that you are supported By the knowing that you are always supported by the earth And by the knowing that you are always supported by the earth And by the knowing that you are always supported by the earth And by the knowing that you are always supported by the earth And by the knowing that you are always supported by the earth And by the knowing that you are always supported by the 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Insightful, articulate, and calming talk and meditation 🙏