When Family Looks Different Than You Imagined

Most of us carry an internal image of what we hoped "family" would look like for us. Sometimes life hands us something different – a divorce we never wanted, an illness, a child who struggles, aging parents who need us too, or simply the quiet ache of a reality that doesn't match our dream. This meditation makes space for the grief so few parents talk about.

Abigail gently guides you to name what you hoped for, to let yourself feel the distance between that and what is, and then to release a piece of it. You'll be reminded that while you are alone in your exact circumstances, you are, at the very same time, connected to millions of parents feeling the exact same feelings as you are. You'll leave with one small act of care that you get to be in control of for yourself, so you can remember that you aren't just the recipient of this life – you are also a creative force within it.

Transcript

Today, I'd like to take a look at the other side of parenting, Not the part where we're happy and feeling incredibly fulfilled, But the side where sometimes we feel actual grief and disappointment for what things look like. Sometimes we've had a vision in our heads or in our hearts of what we want our families to look like. And sometimes they just don't look like that. Maybe because of somebody's temperament, Maybe because of a situation going on in your family. Perhaps you're going through a divorce or an illness, Other family circumstances that make things more difficult than you intended. Perhaps you're part of the sandwich generation where you're also being pulled to take care of your own parents or other family members. And there's just not enough of you. Maybe something really difficult is going on, Or maybe it's just the dissonance between what you wish it all looked like and what it does look like. And I want to make space for that today, Because it's something that so many parents feel and so few people talk about, And it deserves to be heard and felt. You can't get to the other side of that without taking a moment to walk through it. So, For one moment, I want to encourage you to allow the grief. The grief that is the chasm between what you wanted it all to look like and what it does look like. Allow yourself. To just take a moment and think. What were your biggest hopes? What do you wish it all looked like? Take a moment and say that out loud to yourself. You don't have to talk about all of it. You can just name one part of it right now. You can listen to this on repeat many times, Take a different one each time. But for right now, Pick one thing and think, What did you wish this would have looked like? And now imagine, What would that have given you? What would that have made possible? For many of us, It can go back to our own past. It can go to a place where we're thinking, If it looked like this, I would know that I had succeeded. I would know I had been able to pass something on to my children, That I promised myself I would. Right? Very often it's a desire to protect, To love, To care for, That actually causes us some of our greatest pain. Because when we're unable to control the world, Which, Surprise, Surprise, We can't, It can be really painful. So take a moment and get in touch with your dream. Now, Take a moment and get in touch with what it really does look like. And don't think just generally. Actually take a moment and try to really concretely think about one memory. That shows up that is like, Here's an example of how different it looks for me. Here's an example. Of what I never wanted to be going through or what I never wanted my child to have to go through. And now sit with that. Now, I'm not trying to torture you here. I'm trying to give you the grace to feel what you're already feeling and often pushing down, Pushing away. Because the fear is if we feel it, Then it'll be real. The truth is, It's already real. But it is not your entire reality. So take a moment and allow it to be real. Grieve it. And now, I'm going to ask you to release it. What if this is not your full truth? Now, I'm not trying to gaslight you and say it's not true. I believe you. It is true. But what if it's not your complete and full truth? What if there are places? That can look like what you wanted. What if you can still get some of what you hoped it can look like? Maybe you're going through a divorce and you never ever wanted that to be the case. But does that mean you can't bring your children any sense of stability? Any sense of love? Any sense of safety? You can still, In most cases, Bring all of that. It just may look different than you imagined. Obviously we all come with our own stories, And I'm certainly not trying to rewrite yours. I'm only asking you to consider Are there places you're painting in one color, When maybe there are more? So, The truth of the matter is, Everyone's family looks different. And if you feel alone in your circumstances, It's because you truly are alone. No one has your children going through your situation. Only you. And I want to acknowledge that. Other people also know loneliness, Or difficulty, Or hard times, And it's important to remember that as well. You are not alone in the feelings you are having. But you are alone in the exact set of circumstances that are producing them. Both of those things can be true at the same time. Take a moment. Acknowledge your circumstances. And now acknowledge that you are actually connected to so many, Many, Truly millions of people around the world who are also feeling the same exact feeling that you are currently feeling, But under different circumstances. Allow yourself to know that in this way, You are not alone at all. And other people are also making their way through these circumstances. And you can too. It will not always look the way that it currently looks. And now I want to ask you to find one thing you can do for yourself. That is truly in your control. Something you can do for yourself that will give you the gift of just a tiny piece of what you hoped it would look like. Maybe you're caring for ailing parents and you're having to run back and forth between a child who's not doing well at home and then parents who aren't doing well, And you are just exhausted. Is there an audiobook or a podcast or a song you could listen to in the car? To give yourself one moment of feeling better in the day, Like you are supported. What can you give to yourself today? To allow yourself to still have your dreams even when they're not playing out exactly as you wanted them to. Make a pledge to yourself to do one tiny action. And if you feel like you want to share what that is, Please do so with a friend or here in the comments. I'm sending you love, Genuine love, From someone who has been through a whole lifetime of parenting two children to adulthood, To say, There are so many moments that haven't looked the way I want, And there are so many moments where my life has looked way more wonderful than anything I could have ever imagined. And we get to tell our story. Every single day is full of building blocks. And I want to encourage you to keep rearranging those blocks. Take the reality of what you've been handed, But remember, You also get to arrange those realities in a way that can help support you and not just deplete you. I encourage you, Find your thing. And do it today. And remember. As alone as you are. You are not alone at all.