The Window: Where You Can Still Think And Feel

If you have ever gone from fine to shouting in a second, or from fine to silent and gone, this premium talk is for you. Abi explains the window of tolerance, the single most useful map in his work, simply enough for anyone to use in the moment. He covers the three things usually left out: that the window is a range not a target of calm, that it moves through the day so a narrow afternoon is not a character flaw, and that every edge has early warning signs you can learn. Through the story of a client he calls Tomás, called moody for twenty-nine years before anyone showed him a window, he explains why some windows are narrow, how they widen, and what to do at each edge. With Aristotle's mean, the Buddha's middle way and a little humour, the guided practice maps your own window: the feel of your middle, your first sign at the top, your first sign at the bottom, and the sentence that brings you home.

Transcript

So I want to give you one idea today, Just one. And if you take nothing else from anything I've ever recorded, Take this one. Because I use it more than any other tool I have with almost every person. And most of them, Tell me later. That it changed how they understand themselves. And it's called the window of tolerance. And by the end of this, You'll know where yours is, Where its edges are. And what to do when you hit one. So the idea Picture a window first. An ordinary 1 in a wall and inside the frame. Is the range where you work where you can feel things, Even strong things. And still think. Still speak sentences. Still hear the other person. And still remember that this will pass. You might be angry inside the window, Or frightened, Or grieving, But you're still at the wheel. The feeling is in you. And you're not the feeling. Now, Above the top edge is too much. The system floods. Heart racing, Thoughts racing, Voice rising. Hands wanting to do something, Anything. Panic, Rage, The urge to run or fight or fix it right now. You say things you'll regret. You can't hear anyone? You're not at the wheel anymore. The feeling is driving. Now below the bottom edge is too little. And that's where the system shuts down. Fog, Flatness, Can't think, Can't move, Going quiet, Going blank, Staring at a wall, Saying I'm fine, In a voice that's clearly not fine. Also not at the wheel. The car is just stopped. So the phrase comes from a psychiatrist called Dan Siegel. Who gave it to the field in the 90s. And it's still one of the most useful maps in trauma work. Not because it's complicated, Because it's simple enough to use in the moment. Which is the only time a map is any use. So the window actually gets explained a lot online. And it's usually wrong. So let me give you three things that actually matter. First is that the window is not a target, It's a range. People hair window of tolerance. And think that the goal is to stay calm. It isn't. The middle of the window isn't calm. It's alive. So inside the window you can be furious. You can sob inside it. You can be wildly excited. What makes it the window is that you can still think while you feel that. So calm is one small corner of it. So if you spend your life aiming for calm, You'll spend your life avoiding everything. Second, The window moves all day. It's wider when you've slept, Eaten, Maybe been with someone kind. And it's narrower when you're hungry, Tired or in pain. Or alone. Your window at 10 in the morning after a good night is a bay window. And your window at four in the afternoon with no lunch and three missed calls is a letterbox. Same person, Different windows. And this matters more than almost anything. Because most people blame themselves for the letterworks. They think, I handled that badly. What's wrong with me? So maybe nothing is wrong with you. Maybe your window was narrow. And something came through in that. Which might have been fine if it came in at 10. The third? The window has early warning signs and you can learn yours. Nobody goes from the middle to over the top in one step. And there's almost always a moment before. The voice gets a bit faster. Knot in the stomach, Heat in the face, Jaw sets, The urge to interrupt. And that's the top edge. If you can catch it there, You can do something. Same below. The slowness. The looking away. The sudden tiredness that isn't about sleep. That's the bottom edge. Most people only notice they've left the window when they are already out of it. So the whole scale is learning the signs that come a minute before. Now let me tell you about someone. And he's a blend of several people. With the details changed. But everything about him is true to what I see. So Thomas was 29. And he'd been called moody his whole life. His mother said it. His manager had written it in a review. His friends have said it. And he'd go from fine to shouting in what felt to everyone around him, A second. And then usually within the hour. He'd go completely silent. Not sulking, Just gone. He sit in the car in the driveway for 40 minutes. He came to me because his partner had said. I never know which one of you I'm getting. And what thomas had when we looked at it. Was a very narrow window. He'd grown up in a house. Where the volume went from zero to 100 without warning. And his body had learned to live near both edges at once. Over the top at the smallest thing. Hyper-aware. Then straight through the floor to recover. Nobody had ever told him there was a middle. And he thought the choice was shouting or nothing. So we didn't start with the shouting. We started with the minutes before. It took a good few weeks. But he found it. His first time. At the top was heat in the back of his neck. Before the voice, Before the words, Heat. His first sign at the bottom was a kind of distance. Like someone had turned the sound on on the world down a notch. Once he could name them. We then had something to work with. So a few months in. He told me about a meeting at work. Someone had criticized his project in front of the team. And he immediately felt the heat come up the back of his neck. The same somatic symptom. We had been learning and practicing to catch, Observe, And name. And instead of what he'd always done. Which was shouting without even knowing it. Heath said out loud. I need a minute before I answer that. And he'd gone and got a glass of water. And come back. Announce it. He said, Nobody noticed. And I said that was the point. He said it was the first time in his life he'd felt the edge coming and not gone over it. And that comes after a period of sitting in a room every week and just trying to find that heat in your neck. So this is how the work happens. He also said with some bitterness. That 29 years of being called moody could have been shortened considerably if someone had just shown him the window. So, Why do some people have a bay window? And others have a letterbox. Mostly. It's history. This window let's just say is built in childhood. And it's built by being brought back inside it. A baby goes over the top screaming. A steady adult picks it up and settles it hundreds of times, Thousands of times and each time the baby's system learns I can go out, I can come back I can go out and I can come back. So the window widens with every return. If the adult wasn't steady. Or wasn't there. Or was the thing the baby was screaming about? Then the returns don't happen. The system learns that going out means staying out. The window stays narrow. And then the body learns to live at the edges. Because the edges are what it knows. That's not a lie sentence. Because windows widen in adulthood too. But they widen the same way. By going at the edge and coming back thousands of times, Over and over, Usually with someone steady nearby. So trauma narrows the window after the fact. A system that's been overwrapped once. Becomes very quick to flood again. Because it's learned that flooding is what happens. Which is why The first job in any trauma work is not going into the memory. It's widening the window enough. That there is room to go in and come back. Anchoring, Building safety, Co-regulation are all ways of doing the same. So this idea is new by the way. It's only the name that's new. Now, Aristotle more than 2000 years ago. Said that every virtue sits between two extremes. Courage sits between coward and recklessness. And generosity between meanness and waste. And he called it the mean. And he was very clear. That the mean is in the absence of feeling? It's feeling in proportion. Anger he said. Is right when it's at the right person for the right reason in the right moment. And that's the window. That's anger inside the window. Now the Buddha called it the middle way. And found it after years of trying both edges. Indulgence? And then starvation. And then discovering that neither one worked. So to go too far. Is the same mistake. As not going far enough. So it's the same window, I think. We just didn't have a name for the body's version until recently. Here is the practical part. And it's short because at the edge you don't have room for anything complicated. At the top edge when the heat comes, When the voice speeds up. Slow the breath out. Longer out than in. Maybe press your feet on the floor. And just say if you can, I need a minute. The body needs to discharge, Not think. Maybe a glass of water. Maybe cold water on the wrists, Whatever. And then come back. At the bottom edge, When the sound goes down and when the fog comes. Don't try to relax. Because you're already too relaxed. Move. Stand up. Look at something with color in it. Say your own name out loud, If you're alone. Maybe rub your hands together. So the body needs walking not calming and then come back and in the middle When you are there, Notice it. Most people never notice the middle. Because it feels like nothing is happening. Something is. . . You are in your window. Feel what that's like. So you would recognize the edges by contrast. Now let's do a quick, Very quick short practice. So settle wherever you are. And let whatever is beneath you hold you. Let whatever is beneath you hold you. And let your breath be as it is. First, The middle. Bring to mind a time recently when you were in your window. It was not a perfect day. Just a time when you were feeling something and you could still think. Maybe a problem you solved. A moment you were upset but you handled it. So what does the middle feel like in your body? Most people find a kind of steadiness Bread reaches the belly. Eyes that can rest on things. Chords that come one at a time. Let yourself know it. This is home. And now very carefully the top edge. Bring to mind a mild moment. When you went over. 2 or 3 out of 10. An argument about nothing. Someone cutting in. A delay. A small one. Not the worst time. And go back to the moment before it. The minute before you went over. And maybe look for the first sign. Was it heat? The face, The neck, Or the chest. Was its speed. The voice, The thoughts of the hands Or was it the jaw? Was it the bread going high? And urge to interrupt, To fix, Or to move. Just find your first sign and name it inside. At the top, My first sinus. Maybe a change in your breath or whatever it is that might have come up. Now come back to the middle once again. Feed on the ground. Something holding your weight. And you are in the window again. Now let's find the bottom edge. A mild moment when you went under. A conversation where you went quiet. An afternoon that disappeared. A time you said I'm fine and you weren't. And very gently exploring now the minute before. The first time. Was it sound going down? Was it a sudden tiredness? Was it looking away? The body getting heavy or slow. Find it and name it. At the bottom My first sign is. . . Now come back to the middle again. Move your hands. Look around. Feet on the floor. Something holding you back. So now you have a map. And you have two signs, One at each edge. And most people live 30, 40, 50 years, Their whole lives without knowing theirs. And one last thing Choose a sentence. Something short that you'll say to yourself out loud or in your mind when you catch the sign. Thomas used, I need a minute. And you find yours Something that reminds you. In that exact moment. That there is a middle and you know the way way back So the window. It's a range, Not a target. It moves through the day. And a narrow afternoon isn't a character flock. It has edges with early signs and you've just found yours. It was built by being brought back and it widens the exact same way. By going out and coming back. Over and over. If you're in therapy, You're welcome to tell your therapist your two signs. And a good one will be delighted. Because it's the most useful thing you can bring into a room. And if you've been called moody or dramatic or cold or difficult by people who didn't know there was a window, You might very gently let that go You weren't difficult. You were living at the edges because nobody showed you the middle. So for these last moments. Just rest in the middle. I know my signs. There is a middle. I know the way home. I know my signs. There is a middle. And I know the way home. So thank you for listening. Thank you for joining me. And Namaste.