So welcome everyone.
And thank you.
Thank you for listening and thank you for being here.
So let me start with something you already know.
And may never have said out loud.
There is more than one of you in there.
And they do not agree.
Part of you wants to go and part of you wants to stay.
Part of you has decided to change something and another part has quietly made other arrangements.
You resolve at 11 o'clock on a Sunday night to do something differently.
And by Tuesday afternoon,
Somebody else entirely is running the show.
And they never sign anything.
You will have noticed that you can be furious with somebody and worried about them at the same time.
That you can want the thing and dread the thing.
That a version of you shows up at work who is not the version of you who shows up at home.
And neither is the performance exactly.
Most people experience that as a problem,
As indecision,
Inconsistency or maybe a failure to get themselves together.
It is not a problem.
It is the ordinary architecture of a human interior.
And once you can work with it directly.
A great deal that was previously stuck becomes workable.
So this is what gets called parts work.
And there are several well-developed clinical models of it,
Each with its own vocabulary.
Protectors,
Managers,
Subpersonalities,
Archetypes.
Some people also use color-coded diagrams.
I am not going to use any of it today.
The vocabulary is useful in a clinical setting.
And it looks good in a book,
In a blog.
But in an actual difficult moment.
In the kitchen.
At four in the afternoon,
It gets in the way.
What I want to give you instead is simple language.
A body based way of working.
And then a journey.
Because this is not something you understand.
Is something you do.
So let's start with the words,
Because the words do more than people expect.
When you say I'm tired.
Something happens at the level of identity.
The tiredness becomes who you are.
And there's no space then between you and it.
And no room to do anything except be tired until it passes.
So try this instead.
The one inside me who is tired.
And notice what that does.
There are suddenly two characters in the sentence.
The one who is tired.
And the one who has noticed that they are tired.
And the second one is not in the same weight hierarchy.
And that small gap is where everything else becomes possible.
Because in that gap,
You can turn towards them.
You can ask what they need,
You can sit with them,
And the tiredness becomes somebody in the house rather than the whole of you.
The one inside me who is afraid.
But one inside me who is angry.
The one inside me who keeps reaching for the same thing.
The one inside me who has been bracing for a long time.
Always the same form.
Not I am,
Not part of me.
The one inside me who.
.
.
And notice that the phrase does not tell you anything about why.
It does not preload a diagnosis.
It just separates you from the state.
And lets you be in a relationship with it rather than being it.
I use the word one rather than part deliberately.
Because part is a slightly cold word for a warm thing.
And it can suggest assembly,
Fragments,
Machinery.
Is a who rather than a what.
It is also the register the contemplative traditions have used for centuries,
The one who suffers,
The soul,
The beloved within.
And that register is reverent without being religious and intimate without being sentimental,
Which is exactly right for this.
Now a few things worth knowing.
The first.
You have populated.
And that is not a symptom.
The unified single self is a useful working friction and it comes apart the moment you look closely at anybody.
What is actually in their household.
And the second and it is the one that changes everything.
Every one of them is trying to help.
Including the ones causing you the most trouble.
The one who eats at 11 at night,
The one who checks the phone 67 times,
And the one who pushes people away just as they get close.
The one who cannot stop working.
None of those are malfunctions.
Everyone is a strategy that was arrived at for a reason and that also worked at some point.
And that has never been told the situation has changed.
This matters practically.
Because it changes what you do when you meet them.
You do not fight a strategy,
You find out what it is for.
And the third.
The ones who cause the most trouble are usually standing in front of somebody else.
Behind the one who works constantly.
There is usually one who is afraid of being worthless.
Behind the one who pushes people away,
There is usually one who has been badly hurt.
And behind the anger there is nearly always something younger and considerably more frightened.
The loud one at the front is not the problem.
It is a guard.
It has been standing there a long time and never been once thanked.
And the fourth,
You are not trying to get rid of anybody.
And this is where most self-improvement goes wrong.
People arrive wanting to eliminate something.
The anxious one,
The needy one,
The angry one.
And elimination is not available.
It never works.
And attempting it reliably makes the one in question louder and more entrenched.
So the aim here is relationship,
Not removal.
And the last thing,
Fifth,
That attention is a technique.
See,
There is no clever maneuver in this work.
What changes things eventually is your self-awareness and the quality of attention that you bring.
Warm,
Curious,
Unhurried and without an agenda.
Which is genuinely difficult because most of us have never received attention like that from anybody.
And so we have no template for offering it.
And now.
.
.
The clinical part and I would ask you not to skip it because these rules if you want to call it are the difference between this being useful and this being destabilizing.
The first rule,
Build the ground before you go anywhere.
You do not go looking for anything difficult until you have somewhere to stand.
Something steady available in the body.
Floor under your feet,
Weight of your back and the room that you are in.
This is not the warm-up,
It is the equipment.
You would not go down a hole without checking the rope and a great many people do exactly that with their own interior and then wonder why they end up on the floor for two days.
Second rule,
Ask permission and stop when the answer is no.
If you turn towards something and meet resistance,
A tightening,
A shutting down,
A strong,
Strong sense of not this,
That resistance is not an obstacle,
It is another one of them doing its job and it deserves the same courtesy as anybody else.
So you do not push past it.
You greet it.
You ask,
What is it that it is worried about?
And if it is not willing you stop.
And stopping is the single most trust-building thing available in this work.
Something in you that has been overridden for 35 years will not open because you have acquired a technique or you can tap on your chest.
It opens when it discovers repeatedly.
That it is now safe.
And third close what you open.
Whatever comes up.
We bring it to a proper end.
You do not have to leave something raw and then go and answer emails.
That means acknowledging what came.
Putting away anything unfinished and then coming back to the room deliberately before we stopped.
Every serious tradition of inner work has a closing procedure.
So do we.
One thing before we begin,
Begin the journey.
There is a well-known Persian poem that likens a human being to a guesthouse.
Where every arriving mood is a visitor to be met at the door.
Including the difficult ones.
Including the ones who come and clear the furniture out.
And I will not quote it,
But you may know it.
And I mention it because it is 800 years old and it is describing exactly what we are about to do.
The traditions did not treat the inner population as a problem to be solved.
They treated it as a household with a host.
And the rules of hospitality apply.
Which are older and more useful than any therapeutic model.
You do not interrogate the guest at the door.
You do not demand to know where they have come from.
You feed them first.
So that is the posture for what follows.
You are the host.
They,
As in the feelings,
As in the patterns,
As in the anxiety,
As in the sadness,
Or whatever you're carrying,
They have been living here a long time.
And some of them have never been offered anything.
So now.
Let's do a small guided practice.
Settle however you are.
You could be sitting up.
You could be lying down.
Eyes open or closed.
And if you feel safer.
You are very very welcome to keep your eyes open with a soft gaze towards the floor.
Before we go anywhere at all.
Let the body find the room.
Let your eyes travel around the space.
Slowly.
The corners.
The light.
And the edges of things.
Both feet on the floor.
Both feet on the floor.
Now.
Just find somewhere in the body that is steady.
Not calm,
Steady.
Maybe.
The weight of your back against the chair.
Maybe your feet on the floor.
Or maybe your hands resting.
Anything right now that feels steady.
And now I want you to stay there.
With the steady.
And let it become a little bit more detailed.
Temperature,
With where the contact begins.
And where the contact ends.
Now this is the ground.
And we will come back to it several times.
And it will be here each time.
Now,
Who is here today?
Who is here today.
Let your attention move inwards.
And simply ask a question.
Make an inquiry.
Just internally.
Who is hair today?
Don't go looking for anything.
Let somebody arrive.
It might be the one who is tired.
It might be the one who's bracing.
It might be the one who's sad and does not know why.
It might be the one who's irritated with this whole exercise,
Who's also welcome.
If it feels right,
You can name them internally in this phrase.
Right now I am experiencing the one inside me who is and then you can complete this with your experience the one inside me who is Whatever is present for you now.
Now where do they live?
Now leave the words behind and find them in the body.
Where do they seem to be?
Almost everybody has a location.
And it is usually more specific than expected.
Don't dismiss anything your body is showing you.
The chest,
The throat,
Behind the eyes,
Low in the belly.
Across the shoulders,
Maybe somewhere else.
Now whatever place you are guided to,
Just stay there.
And let it become more detailed.
Is it heavy or light?
Is it warm or cool?
Is it still or is it moving around?
Or is there something else?
You are not trying to change any of it.
You're simply getting to know.
Where somebody lives.
Now this is the movement that most people skip.
And it is the one that makes the difference.
Check how you feel towards them.
Not how they feel.
How do you feel turning towards them?
If what you find is curiosity,
Warmth or even a willingness to be there.
That is the right posture and we can go on.
But you may find something else.
Irritation,
Impatience.
A wish that they would hurry up.
And a judgment that this is self-indulgent.
A cool,
Short or a distance.
And if you find any of that Just stop.
And notice.
Stop and notice.
That is not you.
That is another one of them.
There is somebody in here.
Who is impatient with the tired one.
Somebody who thinks this is a waste of time.
Somebody who has been managing the tired one for years by being hard on them.
So we greet that one instead.
Turn towards the impatient one.
And internally say this,
Something like this.
I see you.
You have been keeping things moving for a long time.
Would you be willing to step back just a little?
Just for the next while.
You have been keeping things moving for a long time.
Would you be willing to step back a little just for the next one?
And then just wait.
Don't insist,
Just wait.
Now if they step back,
You will usually feel it.
A small easing.
A slight widening.
And if they will not today,
That is completely fine.
Then we simply stay here.
And get to know this one instead.
Because this is the one who needs attention today.
Now whoever you have ended up with.
Just ask them whether they are willing to be met.
Is it alright if I stay here with you for a while?
Is it alright if I stay here with you for a while?
And the answer does not come in words.
It comes as a change in the body.
A softening.
A tightening.
Or nothing at all.
And now just stay.
Do not fix them.
Do not reassure them.
Do not explain that things are fine now.
And don't perform any techniques on them.
Turn your attention.
Towards where they live in the body and just remain there today without any agenda.
Only and only if it helps.
You can place maybe a hand there if you're aware of a specific place.
Now this may be an unfamiliar experience for them.
Being attended to with no agenda often is.
And they may not know what to do with it.
And they may not respond at all tonight.
Whatever is present in your system right now.
Just offer it your unconditional presence.
Now very gently We'll just ask one question.
What do you want me to know?
What do you want me to know?
What do you want me to know?
Do not answer for them.
And do not construct something plausible.
Just let it be blank if it is blank.
What might come.
Words.
Image.
A sudden feeling,
A sensation.
Or a sense of an age.
Or nothing may come at all.
Now only if there is room for it.
One last question.
What do you need from me?
What do you need from me?
And the answers are usually much simpler than people expect.
To be believed.
Do not to be left alone.
To be allowed to be rest.
To stop being told to hurry up.
Or something else.
Now whatever came for you today.
Or even if nothing came.
We are just going to say these words.
I believe you.
I am not going anywhere.
You can rest.
I believe you.
I am not going anywhere.
And you can rest.
Now very slowly,
Very gently.
Closing.
.
.
And we do this properly.
Just receiving my words.
I know where you are.
I will come back.
I know where you are.
I will come back.
Now?
If you're ready to come back.
Gently bring your attention Feet on the floor.
Your hands Your legs.
Your forehead.
And your nose.
Your throat.
Shoulders,
Your arms.
And now taking a few long and slow deep breaths.
Gently,
Slowly.
Coming out of any and all open activations that you might have tapped into.
Back to the room,
Back to the space.
Back to the now.
Back to the space,
Back to the room.
And back to the now.
Nothing that you experience today has to make sense.
You created safety.
You dropped into your body.
And you simply offered your presence.
To the one inside you who was present.
So few things to carry with you.
Whatever happened,
Whatever you experienced,
Is the right result.
If somebody arrived and spoke to you,
Good.
And if nobody came.
That's also good.
Few times a week checking in with yourself.
And you're giving yourself a chance to rewire and change.
Your relationship with what you already live with.
Simply by turning up without an agenda.
If something has been stirred today for you,
Take care of your body.
For the next few hours,
Days,
And weeks.
Now once again.
You are not a single thing that is going wrong.
You are a household.
Some of the rooms have not been opened in years.
And some of the people in them.
Have been waiting a very long time for somebody to knock.
Tonight you knocked,
And that is enough.
So go gently.
And go back when you're called.
Thank you very much for joining me.
Namaste.
