3 Tuppence Stern & The Body In The Broom Cupboard S D Hudson

Laughter is the best medicine, they say. And with this in mind, this Cosy Comedic Audio Drama is perfect for relaxation with a smile.
Potty Pedagogue Tuppence Stern is the English teacher at St Ethelburg's School and an amateur sleuth into the bargain. With the help of her best pal Bart and her hunk of a headteacher Martin, she'll get to the bottom of the latest murder. She's good like that.
In this episode, Tuppence is having a hard time.
All rights reserved. Individual use only. Copyright Neworld Books Ltd.
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Written by S D Hudson
Performed by Stephanie Poppins
Music by Jean-Miles Carter
Published by Neworld Books

Transcript

Toppin' Stern. An original audio book. Written by S. D. Hudson Performed by Stephanie Poppins Music by John Miles Carter Chapter 3 Sitting alone in room 201, Tuppence Stern was using the first five minutes she had had to herself all day. To contemplate the ways and wherefores in her little black book. It was the day before Mr Carter was found by Jada in the school broom cupboard, And Tuppence was considering his son Callum, Who had been playing on her mind since her conversation with Jada. His relationship with his father sounded complicated at the best of times. By Jada's reckoning, His father was a real character. Closing her book, Tuppence Stern removed her pants knee and rubbed her eyes. At least I get to go home at the end of the day now, She said to herself, Beats being on call 24-7. And it gives me time to suss out the word on the mean streets of steeplebloodstead. She smiled. This was tongue-in-cheek, Of course. This village-come-town-come covert murder capital of the North of England. Could not appear less like a scene from Martin Scorsese's urban crime thriller if it tried. Everything that happened at Steeple Bloodstead was behind doors, Closed off to the public. Which suited her just fine. She preferred death to distraction. Suddenly, The door opened and the corridor's noise flooded in. That's a verbal for you, Jay Dimash! Tuppence looked up from her copy of Macbeth, Then quickly wished she hadn't. Son of a- What's God's gift to precisely nobody doing here? Quick, Hide the Diet Coke. Third best smile, Tick tock. Miss Wade. Cubbins looked at the thin, Reed-like figure standing in the doorway. She was wearing the kind of wooden shoulder pads befitting a scene from Dynasty. But weed was no Crystal Carrington. For one, Her voice was like nails on a chalkboard, And for another, She had no power to her punch. All show and no go, Derek would have said. Oh shut up Tuppence, The man's ancient history. Mrs Stern, I thought I'd update you on what's happening this week. Tuppence beat her tongue. She wanted so desperately to say, That's Miss, Not Mrs. But she knew weed was just winding her up. We're rolling out our morning meeting scheme. I notice you have time available each Monday before lesson one. Right you are. Top and side. It's all hands to the pump. The SLT are giving this an extra push. Gotcha! Any time allocated over your daily teaching hours will be worked into your PPA allocation. Up and set up straight. Will I get that in writing by the end of the day? Miss Weed's sigh spurred her on even more. And will it be in person or a VC? Perhaps I'll need a little WBT? Have a nice day, Mrs Stern, " said Miss Weed, Leaving quickly before the quickest wit in the school could come up with worse. That's the great thing about getting older, Thought Tuppence as the door swung shut again. You can get away with saying what you really think. Which is just as well. That woman gets on my last nerve, And I'm not one for holding my tongue. By the time the last bell rang, Tuppence had jumped on her trusty bike and was halfway along the long gravel drive that led to the school gates when her best friend, Bartholomew Bowman, Pulled up beside her in his car. Of out, She called as he wound his window down. Post office. I've got a card to send to my mother. It's her birthday this week. Just look at this, Though. It's like Piccadilly Circus. I'll never catch the last post now. I can't move till these buses are gone. Where's a caretaker when you need him? Apparently he's still off sick, " said Tuppence. She looked at the school buses blocking the entrance. This was the school hockey match. Things were always frantic when Mr Danforth was in the mix. He was hardly the most organised of teachers. Well I for one am glad Carter's off sick, Said Bart in disgust. I wouldn't be surprised if he's on some homophobic march or something. Piece of easy bar just still wearing a teacher's hat. Tuppence urged Bart to turn his radio off. One minute's Phil Collins against all odds, The next it's Louis Armstrong with all the time in the world. I'm up and down like a yo-yo. I can't take it, You've got to turn that off. For a hard-nosed detective, You're quite sensitive today, Little Miss Stern. Or so. I've had a rough day and I just want to go home and hide. Bart reached through the window to where she stood. Bonus not playing ball then I guess. Very funny. It's not like that. I'm just not sure I'm up to the task. Tup and sighed for the fiftieth time that day. She was thinking about all the children in the school that she was unable to really help. Bart looked at the daisies she'd painted on her bike the week before. You're just having an off day, That's all. I like what you did with your bike. Do you? It's very you. Well if I have to keep the old girl, I might as well make her look pretty, Mightn't I? And rainbow-coloured daisies definitely give off the 90s vibe. Oh look Sharp, Said Tubbets, The buses are starting to move. I'll see you tomorrow then. See you tomorrow. And tea! Tell Henry I say hello when you get home. I assume he's still at your house, Is he? In sickness and in health, " said Tuppence. And she jumped back on her bike while Bart's laughter got suffocated in his exhaust fumes. Ten minutes later, Tup and Stern was entering her local mini market, Finding it hard to believe they were already playing Christmas music to an audience of nobody in the month of October. This is a sign of the times, She thought. I'm not even finished with autumn yet and already they're ramming boxes of roses down my throat. Grabbing a basket, She caught a glance of her reflection in the glass chiller doors. You're getting old, Tea, And you're shopping for one. Not a good look. Tuppence knew this didn't sound like her at all, But at that moment she didn't care. Being on her own was supposed to be life-affirming, Invigorating, A fresh start. But all she felt today was washed up and lonely. But better or worse, She really believed when she said her vows more than 20 years before. But as it turned out, Derek had other plans. Right, She said, Pulling herself together. Fresh broccoli. Tick tock. She dropped it into her basket, Then turned her attention to the meals for one. Sodium nitrate, Calcium propionate, Monosodium glutamate, What about this one? Butylated Hydroxynyl Tasty. She shut that particular glass door and looked at the items much higher up. Then she heard footsteps approaching. Her stomach performed the drop reserved for unexpected colleagues. Play it cool, Tuppence, Play it cool. He's struggling, Miss. Martin didn't see you there. Really? Tuppence laughed in spite of herself. This was ridiculous, The man was six foot four for goodness sake. But she was still annoyed with him. Hadn't he backed off at a speed of knots since their tete-a-tete in the school's courtyard? Okay, Bastard. I am kind of unapproachable in the real world. No problem. Do you need a hand? Well, It's that or a stepladder. Carbonara or chili. Martin lifted a tray from the shelf before Tubman's could answer. There, That's not bad with a nice Rioja. Likewise, Said Tubbins, Before immediately regretting it. Okay, Well I'll see you tomorrow then. See you! Tup and Swatch Martin leave secretly mortified. Likewise? What on earth's that supposed to mean? For God's sake, T, You're demented! Next stop, Book aisle. It's time you invested in some Sudoku. Reaching the till, She placed her things on the counter amidst Christmas carols and repetitive jingles designed to greet. I'll take these please. Do you have a bag? Uh, No. Do you want a bag? Um, Yes. Call it all cash. Uh. . . Will it be card or are you paying cash? Neither! " Toppen snapped suddenly. Neither. Does this book look like a card? Tuppence held up her checkbook. Now, Does it have the Queen's head on it? This is getting weird. Look, I'm paying by cheque, Okay? Alright, If that's the way you want to put it. The young man sighed and said under his breath, Baby boomers who'd have them. Pardon? Nothing. No, Young man, Baby boomers are most certainly not nothing. If it wasn't for us, You wouldn't even be here, Let alone have a job. Alright, Alright, Keep your wig on. Cheeky bugger! This is all my own hair! The tannoy chimed. Security to check out four, That's security to check out four. And what's with this stupid music? Tuppence demanded. We don't know it's Christmas because it's October for Christ's sake! I'll need to get all Christian on. Oh, God. I warned you! Look, I just want to pay for my stuff. Five minutes later, Tuffence escaped outside to the evening air before a car screeched past, Close enough to make her stagger backward, Her shopping bag hitting the tarmac. Hey! Watch it! She shook her head. This was a bad end to a very bad day. But suddenly heavy footsteps ran up behind her and a familiar voice said. . . You okay there, Tappans? Martin That's me. Yes, That car, It just made me jump, That's all. The man's a bloody liability, " said Martin as they watched the taillights vanish. You know him? Who was it? The facilities manager. Car to the caretaker. That's the one. And by the looks of it, There's nothing wrong with him. A good slap wouldn't fix. Up and said nothing. But she filed that fact away like she did everything else. Once home again, Tuppence threw her bags on the side, Took her coat off and tossed her keys into their bowl. These small rituals unwound something in her shoulders that the school had spent all day tightening. Hello Henry. From his cage a large grey parrot shifted his weight. And fixed her with one baleful eye. Daddy's home. Daddy's home. No, Henry, It's not Daddy, It's me. It's me, It's me. Yes, Henry, It's me. Have you been a good boy? Good boy, Good boy. That's what I like to hear. Well let's let you out then and you can have a fly around. Tuppence opened the cage and Henry launched himself into the room. Daddy's home, Daddy's home, He kept repeating. For goodness sake Henry, Daddy is not coming home, It's me, It's mummy. Daddy's home! Gosh, Help me. Tubbins muttered. She went to investigate the fridge which offered up only last week's Prosecco and half a pint of unmistakably sour milk. What was I thinking? I blame Martin Bonus. That man puts me off my stride. I should have got some more shopping. At least I got the broccoli, I suppose. She poured herself a glass of wine, And as she did, Some old unhealed thing rose to the surface. Curse Derek for buggering off and leaving me with his number one fan. Number one fan, Number one fan. Yes, That's you, Henry. Derek's number one fan. Curse that man! Curse that man! Curse that man! Tuppence stopped what she was doing, Gasped and smiled for the first time that day. Oh, Henry, Say it again. Just say it again. Curse that man. Curse that man. Yes Henry, Good boy! You know what? You and I might just get along really well after all. The next morning came with a school bell already ringing and a hostile mood settling over tuppence that owed something to a restless night and a great deal to the lanyard currently strangling her at the front gates. Give me a hand. This lanyard strangles me every time I turn the key. Here, Let me. We've got to get in quick. Someone shouted Trolls and now weeds on the wall path. Where's my excellent effort stickers? It's her new shock of purple hair. I haven't but bet she should try and tame the thing. It's like a bird's nest. I think that's the look she's going for, Angry bird. Speaking of birds, Henry says hello, Said Tubman, Struggling. Oh, You're on good terms now then. I thought we hated each other. Not since I taught him a new phrase. Dare I ask? Well, Let's just say he's shaping up to be the perfect mummy's boy. Tubman's paused while Bart shot her a knowing smile. Then she related what had happened in the Tesco car park with her and Martin the night before. I couldn't believe it! Mr Carter nearly ran me over! We. Last night. Well, It was getting dark. And Oh don't give me that look Bart, We're outside Tesco's. Every little helps. Stop! It's just as well Martin was there. I could be in hospital right now. Carter still holding a grudge then? That is ancient history. Doesn't sound like ancient history to me. Tubbins thought back to the day Mr Carter arrived and almost flattened her bike with the school van. She had forgiven him for that. Newbie nerve, She put it down to. But not this. I'm going to have to go round there and have it out with him today. Really? You better speak to Boners first. What is it they say? If you embrace the divine feminine, You attract the divine masculine. Well then, Said Tuppence, It's about time I invested in a pair of sturdy trousers. I'm Tuppence Stone, Remember? And I can deal with this on my own. Then the bell rang, Cutting the conversation short. See you at lunch, " Bart called after her. See you later Bart. Call Tuppence back. With a renewed spring in her step.