Top and stern.
An original audio book.
Written by S.
D.
Hudson Performed by Stephanie Poppins Music by John Miles Carter Chapter 2 In the dining hall at St Ethelberg's,
School for those unfit for public consumption,
There was a smell of burnt toast and floor polish.
It was mid-October,
Two days before the body of Mr Carter had been found in the broom cupboard,
And the hall rang with Miss Weed's voice singing patronisingly over the microphone she clutched in her right hand.
That's it Year 11s,
Find yourselves a seat and get out your work booklets ready for your morning meetings.
You should have your equipment out and be ready to start as soon as you sit down.
She paused,
Surveying the shuffling,
Chattering mass of blazers.
I'll turn to week two in your booklet.
We're on Monday,
Week two.
No,
Calum,
It's week two.
That's it,
George.
Monday,
Week two.
Turn to Monday,
Week two.
Somewhere in the middle of that tide of teenagers Callum Carter slouched into a chair he had no intention of sitting properly in.
Whilst across the hall,
Jada squinted at her booklet as though it had personally wronged her.
St Ethel Byrd's had,
For the better part of a century,
Been a girls' school,
And a great many of its older staff still hadn't quite recovered from the shock of the change.
Boys had only been admitted this term,
A pet project of the school's most generous benefactor Lord Heffingway,
Who decided with Martin Boners over a glass of something very expensive.
Co-education was the future.
And he had funded the venture handsomely enough that nobody felt able to argue with him.
Callum Carter was,
As it happened,
One of the very first.
A fact that gave Miss Weed a fresh and inexhaustible supply of things to moan about.
Now let's check our answers from last week,
Shall we?
Question 1.
A right angle is 90 degrees.
Green pens,
Please,
Jada.
We use only green for marking,
Don't we?
No Callum,
I don't have a pen you can borrow.
Where's your equipment packed?
She huffed and puffed,
But nobody but her Seemed to see her indignation.
Question 2.
Angles on a straight line add up to 180 degrees.
A ripple of discontent then moved through the hall.
Was question one.
.
.
Miss Weed,
Is this question two?
Called Jada at almost exactly the same time.
Parallel lines are always the same distance apart and never intersect.
What?
Jada's pen hovered in the air.
I thought that was question two.
Misses that question too.
No is question free idiot,
Said Callum.
You're the idiot.
You're the idiot.
That's quite enough of that,
Said Miss Weed.
Her voice cracked across the hall,
Like a ruler on a desk.
There'll be enough time for men calling at break.
Then the murmurs receded,
Reluctantly,
Into background noise,
And somewhere behind the rows of heads,
Tuppenstern and Bartholomew Bowman looked on in amusement.
Think with a name like that she'd be more chilled,
" said Bart.
Tuppence yawned theatrically.
Honestly,
Nothing changes,
Does it?
Give that woman a microphone as she turns into the world's worst bingo caller.
Turn the screw sixty-two,
" said Bart,
Deadpan,
And tuppence-snorted despite herself.
Doing here anyway.
By all rights,
I should still be at home enjoying a nice hot Lapsang Sousho,
She said.
Look,
Butter won't melt.
You're only here in the week now.
You want to try being stuck here all weekend too?
Part-timers,
" said Bart,
Shaking his head.
Jealousy will get you nowhere,
Said Tuppence.
Twenty years on the front line,
I've earned my stripes.
Besides,
The folk of this village need me.
Minds the door they're knocking when the gossip comes a-rocking.
And there's plenty of that now we've got boys at St Edelberg's.
Bart agreed.
Behind them,
Jada and Callum's bickering had not so much stopped as relocated.
I thought it was 180 degrees in a square,
Jada insisted.
Are you stupid?
Miss,
Callum called me stupid.
Bart rolled his eyes towards the ceiling.
Those two honestly just get a room.
Oh,
To be sweet sixteen again,
Said Tuppence wistfully,
Full of life,
Full of energy.
No thanks.
Guess what?
I got in early today.
I didn't know the clocks went back.
Very funny,
Bart.
You know my little bike hates me if I ask for anything over ten miles an hour.
Get rid then,
You can afford it.
It reminds me of better times.
Something shifted in Bart's face.
You mean,
Better times with Derek?
I thought that ship had long sailed.
Where did he get to anyway?
Him and Chantal have left for Africa.
Apparently they're going to teach starving kids.
And who are you to compete with starving kids,
Right?
Right,
" said Tuppence.
Bart saw the faintest flicker of something neither of them was inclined to examine too closely.
He knew Tuppence was over her ex-husband.
He knew she'd suffer greatly as a result.
But he also knew she was finding it difficult to move on.
And going back to the house they had once shared was probably something to do with it.
Across the hall,
Miss Weed's patience had reached the end of whatever short tether it possessed that morning.
Hands above the table,
Callum.
No,
I don't want to know what he was doing,
George.
That's inflammatory,
That is,
" said Callum.
Sit down,
Callum.
Anne's got a move,
Miss.
Callum,
That's a verbal now,
Sit down.
He's got my pen Miss,
" Jada put in.
Give it back Callum,
Said Miss Weed.
Make me.
Right,
That's a written warning.
One more and you're getting detention.
Callum Stuart said.
.
.
Tuppence,
Meanwhile,
Watching from a distance,
Was getting ready to step in.
A walkie-talkie crackled somewhere near the hall door.
On call,
Anyone on call?
Said Miss Weed.
Assistance needed in the hall now,
Please.
This is out of order,
" said Callum.
The radio crackled again.
Miss Weed?
It's Callum Carter,
" Miss Weed snapped.
He's refusing to obey instructions.
If in doubt call the school giant,
Said Bart under his breath.
Martin won't take any of her rubbish,
Said Tuppence with something close to satisfaction.
He would if it was you making the call.
Headteacher's pet.
Tuppence winced I don't think it's ever going to happen Bart.
He's six foot sitting down and I'm four foot eleven standing.
I don't think it's humanly possible.
Why does weed pick on Callum anyway?
God knows.
The woman's a malevolent machine.
The walkie-talkie crackled a final time.
I'm in a meeting,
Miss Wade.
You'll have to deal with it yourself.
Said Martin Bowness.
And hearing this,
Up got Tup and Stern.
Come with me Callum,
She said brightly.
We'll go to room 201 and let's see if we can't sort this out there.
Then she got up and left without looking back.
Miss Weed's metaphorical daggers failing to reach her.
Have you had a drink this morning?
" she said to Callum,
Once the door to room 201 was safely shut behind them.
Yeah,
I already finished it.
He replied.
Something to eat?
Yeah,
I got some toast from the canteen.
Tup and Stern reached for her can and cracked it open.
Diet Coke?
What about the no can policy miss?
It's frontline fuel Callum,
Frontline fuel.
I'm doing my best to chug this without gagging and you young man are not helping,
So give me a moment.
Tuppence drank quickly,
Then set the cat down.
Roses,
Roses,
Miss,
" said Callum,
Grinning.
This is room 201 Callum,
I make my own rules said Tuppence,
Reaching into a drawer and a bag of sweets landed on the desk between them.
Don't eat them all at once.
Thanks Miss.
Have I got you today?
No Callum,
You've got to be tomorrow.
Oh,
Alright then.
Laters.
Latest column.
Tuppence watched as Callum got up and was almost at the door when he turned back and said Meese?
Yes,
Callum?
I'm glad you're back.
I mean,
You didn't leave.
You're still teaching here.
Me too Callum,
Me too,
" said Tuppence.
Then the door closed behind him.
And for a moment,
Tuppence sat with the thought there was nothing wrong with this lad.
That a little time and love wouldn't fix.
She knew,
Of course,
He'd seen less of either of those in his 16 years than your average snake.
But she also knew it was her job to write that role.
She heard his voice drift back through the general chatter.
You all right,
Girl?
" he was saying as the second bell went,
Followed by a ripple of giggles that suggested his gifts,
Whatever their origin,
Had not deserted him.
Callum could charm the birds off the trees.
And in a school this small,
There weren't that many trees to charm the birds off.
Cuppence turned to her folder to check which lesson she had with whom next,
When in walked Jada right on cue.
That's detention after school,
Callum Carter,
Miss Weed was saying in the corridor.
Then the door swung shut again,
Sealing Tuppence in with Callum's enemy.
If he thinks he's going to get away with elbowing me,
He's got another thing coming.
He's out of order that Callum,
She was saying.
Here we go again,
Thought Tubbens to herself.
Yes,
Jada,
Come on in then,
Sit down.
Thanks,
Miss,
" said Jane,
A-sniffing.
You okay?
What's up?
It's Callum,
Miss.
He's just not right,
He isn't.
Are any of us?
Thought Tubbins,
But she didn't say that.
Okay,
Well let's have a mint and I'll be with you in two shakes of a lamb's tail.
She said rustling a packet across the desk while at the same time checking her pager.
One second please,
Jada.
Calling through to reception,
She found out that Callum Carter was now added to the dangerous behaviour list.
Jesus,
That escalated quickly!
She said to herself.
Honestly miss,
Said Jada suddenly,
I swear he's on something.
Testosterone probably.
That reminds me,
I forgot my HRT.
What?
Oh,
Nothing,
Said Tubbins.
Right then,
Let's get on with what we're supposed to be doing today.
Macbeth!
She pushed a book across the table,
Her pen already scratching.
Let's write the date then and the title.
But these?
It's Jada.
Do you think Callum likes me?
Tuppence looked at the girl sitting opposite her.
A foundation was applied with what appeared to have been a kitchen knife.
There was one oversized eyelash hanging on by a wing in a prayer.
Her hair had been ironed flatter than the congregation of steeple-bloodstid church,
And Tuppence felt,
Not for the first time,
A wave of compassion.
How could he possibly say no?
She said.
But perhaps you should exercise a little caution as far as Callum Carter's concerned.
What do you mean miss?
Have you ever tried playing it cool?
Playing it cool?
What does that mean?
You know,
Boys love the chase.
And anyway,
You've got exams to pass,
Jada,
Never mind Callum Carter.
Oh,
Alright then.
Thanks,
Miss.
You're welcome.
Tuppence was far from a relationship counsellor.
Having failed to hang on to the marriage he started off with 20 years ago.
But you hope this did the trick.
You know,
Miss,
" said Jada after a moment.
If I didn't know you,
I wouldn't think you was an English tutor.
No?
Why's that then?
Well,
You're not exactly grey,
Are you?
Out of the mouths of babes,
Said Tubbins.
You're right.
Platform boots aren't exactly school regulation,
But I get things done,
Jada.
And that's why St Ethelberg's keeps calling me back.
It's the school for unteachables,
Our mum says.
Top and side.
Maybe she'll change her mind when you pass your English GCSE.
I doubt it.
She's far too busy crying over Callum's dad.
A pen dropped somewhere in the small silence that followed.
Oh.
Said Tuppence very carefully.
He got rid of her in the half term.
Tubbence's fingers began to drum against the desk.
But she said nothing.
Gossip was par for the course in room 201.
And she was here for it.
I bet Callum's dad's taking out on him too.
He doesn't need much of an excuse.
Yay.
Tuppence didn't comment.
I went to find Mr Carter this morning to tell him he's been out of order,
But apparently he's off sick.
Said Jada.
How's he ill though?
He only fixes desks and cleans up,
Doesn't he?
He's only just started this job.
It's not exactly hard.
He hasn't got far to come either,
He only lives next door.
It's certainly not much of a commute,
Agreed Tuppence.
Something in the back of her mind quietly filed this fact away.
He's avoided me,
Miss,
I'm telling you,
" said Jada.
And Miss,
Can I tell you something in secret?
You know the rule,
Jada.
What's said in room 201 stays in room 201.
I think he's thieving on the side.
In fact,
I know it for a fact because he gave my mum some of the stuff that he nicked.
Right.
Maybe he's on the run or something.
For a couple of free school toilet rolls,
I doubt it,
Said Tuppence.
Hell hath no fury and all that.
What does that mean?
" said Jada.
I don't get half the things you say,
Miss.
And that,
Jada,
Is just as well.
Mr Carter probably just needs space,
That's all.
Now let's get on,
Shall we?
You've got mock exams coming up,
Remember?
Okay miss.
Can I have another mint now?
And what was the title again?
