So many midlife women carry unnecessary shame,
And in this video,
I want to share with you how you can transform that shame into wisdom.
If you're new here,
I'm Dr.
Ellen,
The Midlife Whisperer.
I help midlife women go from surviving to thriving.
Let's talk about it.
So as women,
We carry so much unnecessary shame,
Particularly at midlife.
We are ashamed of aging.
We're ashamed of our changing bodies.
We're ashamed of what the doctor tells us when we go to our annual physical.
We're ashamed of not being good enough parents.
We're ashamed of not being good enough partners,
Of not being successful enough,
Achieving enough.
And all of that shame,
It shuts us down because shame says I'm bad and you are not bad.
Whereas guilt says,
Okay,
I've done something wrong.
How can I change that?
Shame really says that there's something wrong with me.
So here's how you transform that.
You turn that shame into self-compassion.
Using the three elements of self-compassion.
So first of all,
When you notice you're judging yourself,
You're like,
I'm bad.
I've done something wrong.
You talk to yourself the way you would a good friend.
Would you say to your friend who was going through menopause and feeling a little off because she had a hot flash that that's bad,
There's something wrong with you?
Of course not.
You'd be like,
Okay,
Honey,
Here's a cool glass of water.
Let me get you a washcloth.
Here's how you can handle this.
Take off your sweater.
I am not the only woman having hot flashes,
Brain fog,
Not sleeping at night.
Putting on some weight,
Dealing with some health issues,
Taking care of aging parents not as well as I'd liked.
All of this,
Something is wrong with me.
You realize,
No,
There's nothing wrong with you.
You are an imperfect being.
We all are,
We all make mistakes.
That's how we learn and grow.
And that's where the wisdom starts to come in.
Start to look at those issues as how am I learning?
What did I learn from this mistake or what I'm going through?
And how can I be there for myself?
And after the kindness,
After the common humanity,
You bring in the mindfulness.
And this is particularly important when you're feeling shame.
You become that observer,
Right?
And you're like,
Oh,
This is shame.
Where do I feel it in my body?
Is it in my stomach?
Is it in my heart?
Want to get smaller and hide.
And in that moment when you're feeling that suffering,
That happens when shame comes up.
Ask yourself what do i need right now again if i had a friend going through this what would i say to her what would i do and then they give yourself what you need and this starts to transform the shame because honestly there is nothing wrong with you and if you can shed that shame and also work on the guilt that's not being productive.
Your midlife will become so much better because you're not a problem to be fixed.
You are someone to love.
Treat yourself like a friend.
Give yourself the support and love that you need and shed all of that shame because it's stuff that you have picked up and it no longer needs to belong to you.
