A Systemic View Of Sibling Estrangement

16:05

A Systemic View Of Sibling Estrangement

by Yvette Vermeer

Rated

5

Type

talks

Activity

Meditation

Suitable for

Everyone

Plays

8

Hi unique learners, Sibling estrangement is one of the most painful forms of grief because the person is still alive, yet the relationship is gone. In this video, I explore why sibling estrangement often goes much deeper than a disagreement between two brothers or sisters. From a systemic perspective, many sibling conflicts are shaped by unconscious loyalty to parents, family roles, and childhood survival strategies that continue into adulthood. We'll look at how these hidden dynamics can fuel distance between siblings, how to recognize when reconciliation may or may not be healthy, and what healing can look like regardless of whether contact is restored. My hope is that this perspective helps you better understand your own family story with greater clarity and compassion. Please note: This content discusses family estrangement and vulnerable experiences. It is intended for educational and supportive purposes and does not replace professional mental health care.

Sibling Relationships Grief Family Dynamics Parentification Therapy Healing

Meet your Teacher

Rotterdam, Nederland

Meet your Teacher

Rotterdam, Nederland

Transcript

Hello. Welcome, My name is Yvette. And I am a systemic coach and a meditation teacher. And I want to talk about sibling estrangement today. And one of the reasons might be something you didn't expect. I'm going to talk with a systemic view today. About systemic. Work where we focus on sibling estrangement and the deepest loss people rarely talk about. Is when they're not in contact with a sibling anymore. Even though they're still alive. They are grieving. But they are no longer a part of your life. And there are no funerals, No rituals, But the grief can be overwhelming. I'm talking about an ambiguous loss. And you probably know a thing about that. Seeing you are watching this video and maybe you saw the title in the description and you thought This is for me. But what if sibling estrangement? Isn't about having a fight with a sibling. Maybe it's something deeper, And I'm going to talk about that. And I'm going to talk about why sibling estrangement hurts so much. And that is They are your first relationship, One of the first lifelong relationships you have. You have a shared childhood. Now, Often people have different experiences within the family dynamic, But you have a shared childhood. They're your first playmate. It's someone who has witnessed your life in some way. For example, I have two sons and my youngest son His whole world is his older brother. He doesn't know a world without his older brother being there. When? We are estranged from a sibling, There is this ambiguous loss. And I call this Because, For example, When someone dies, You have a funeral. But when you are estranged, There are no rituals, There is no real saying goodbye. And society can also will respond with typical sentences, Maybe you've heard it before, But they're still your family. And today I really don't want to talk about why siblings fight. I want to look at what could be an underneath conflict. So there are of course some obvious reasons why siblings become twins. Estranged. Favoritism, Inheritance, Addiction, Abuse, Betrayal, Politics, Just having a different lifestyle, Boundaries, Mental illnesses, You name it. These are not the events that end the relationship. From a systemic perspective, They are often the final chapter, But not the beginning. So that's why I want to offer a systemic view. In systemic psychology, We don't look at two people fighting. We look at the whole systemic picture. So. Here you have a systemic family in the US. Father, Mother, Eldest daughter, Youngest daughter. And in a healthy family, Parents. . . You can see they're a bit bigger. They help resolve if there is conflict. They have open communication about it and they don't encourage rivalry. Um. . . It's really important that there are repairs after an argument and they don't force children into adult roles. So when you have dysfunctional families, Multiple things can happen. For example, Parentification. Or triangulation. Go check out my videos about that if you're interested to learn more about that. But today we focus on OOPS. Sibling. Estrangement. And why does this hurt? Besides the obvious that you're not in contact, But systemically everyone has a place. Parents are parents. Children are children. You have the father, The mother, The oldest and the youngest. Um And of course. . . Things can happen for obvious reasons, But also sometimes they just happen in dysfunctional families. But when we look at balance, There should be a balance between giving and taking, Mutual respect between siblings. And of course parents give and children take. That is a rule systemically. But when there's no balance, Resentment grows. And there is. This hidden loyalty to the parents. Because this is the part people often don't see. Many siblings. When they have a conflict, Or they are fighting, It isn't really about the sibling. Just an easy example is for example when both of my children are fighting but they actually want my attention. But you can even have Baker! Conflicts because there's a loyalty for the parents. And why is this? We do this subconsciously. We don't even know we're doing it. And that is. Children need their parents for survival. Even as a baby, You of course need your parents. Because you need them to feed you, To take care of you. And even when we grow older, Even when we are adults, There is this automatic loyalty. We might not even be aware of it. And children, Again, Depend on their parents for survival when they're young children, Of course. And this becomes a pattern we are repeating in our adult life. And as adults. . . When you get older, Even when teens, For example, You have a golden child, You have a scapegoat, Or you have a peacemaker, You have a hero, The invisible child. These are all things that happen. Well, If you grew up in a dysfunctional family when you grew older. What happens when, For example, You become preteens or. . . Teenagers, You start, Some of you, Start to question your parents. And another sibling might experience this as betrayal. Not consciously, Emotionally. Because defending the parent has become part of protecting themselves. And this is where loyalty lives. Now this can go on into your adulthood. And you might not even know it that you're doing it. So the argument between siblings is often much older. Than the argument itself. It's about protecting the family story. And you know, Even for example, When there's this problem when the parents die and you are, You know, Maybe perhaps in your 30s and you are estranged. Again, There can be a loyalty. For your parents. This isn't always the case, I'm not saying it's that black and white. But it can happen and not every estrangement should end. I am I do want to mention, You know, What are signs for when it's worth preparing. A relationship. I don't want to be all negative here, But. . . That is when there's a mutual accountability, When there's safety, When both are doing, When there's a shared reality, So when there becomes more balance in giving and taking, When people are taking their own role. What you want to avoid is the following, And I'm going to show that. And this might be a bit of a repetition for some of you who have watched my other videos. But when is distance healthier? When there is of course manipulation, Abuse, Denial, Nervous system stays activated when parents are being enabled or they are enabling the estrangement but when it's unhealthy is for example when the youngest is thinking they are a parent themselves. They are taking on a parent role. And of course there will be friction here. Because the oldest is like, What are you doing? You are my younger sister in this case. And when you see this, You think it's obvious, Right? But trust me, This happens in families. Or when, For example, There's triangulation and mom and dad are fighting so much, They're looking at this child. Because for example mom and daughter are forming a bond because dad is For example he cheated or he left and they are forming a bond. So this becomes a triangle. Guess what happens here. So if we then don't look at the parents, Of course they become estranged. Look at the distance. And if that keeps repeating in adulthood and we see that for example when later on let's say this daughter is still taking care of mom And they're still fighting with that, Even though he has left a long time ago. How difficult would it be for them? This sibling to be in contact. And this is what is happening. Another thing that could happen if we place them back together is parents are emotionally unavailable. They are really not that emotionally mature. Let's say. . . So this is the oldest, This is the youngest, Daughters are fighting. And they are Looking at the other sides. And they are fighting. And this is, For example, The case when they're children, Right? Parents are, This is unhealthy dynamic, Parents are. NOT. Helping to repair conflicts by having healthy communication, By repairing. It's not like they have to meddle but let's keep it simple here. And this pattern keeps repeating itself, Repeating itself for years and years, Then the teenager. . . Teenagers, There is jealousy, Rivalry, Whatever. And of course what happens, They become young adults, They grow more distant, Parents are still doing this. And sometimes, Well, What happens is one child really goes into the triangle again and the other one leaves. And this is over time. But it started somewhere. And it's still. . . Being hold, Because parents are keeping a blind eye. And I'm not trying to say that Our parents are the fault of everything. But I just want to show what's one thing that might happen. That can of course lead to sibling estrangement and then of course what might happen, For example. Um this one is saying hey I'm not happy that you do this you do that And the sibling is like, Mommy, Daddy, Whatever. And they're still turning a blind eye and they think they're choosing a side. What happens? Sibling estrangement. You can see this and I think you can think of many other things that might happen. But try to If you are interested in this, Just try to make it more visual for yourself what has happened. Might be interesting. So these were a couple of examples. And the parents, Well they should have of course helped in the earlier years with healthy repair. Um Sometimes, Like I shared before, The fights aren't even about the siblings. They're just about getting either the attention of the parents, Or their love, Or whatever. They're keeping family secrets. Could all be dynamics. Um. . . I'm not here to talk to you about when you should wear an estrangement or when you shouldn't. But I do want to talk about healing. What might help? And I'm just going to keep it very brief here, It's of course individual therapy. Family therapy if of course everyone is willing and it's a healthy choice to do because there's mutual accountability, There's respect, Etc. You might want to work on boundary work, Grief work. Because there is an ambiguous loss. You want to work on your own chosen family. Focus on that. Mindfulness, Journaling. And systemic therapy, Where you really see the patterns that might be happening. Or constellation work. So what I do is I do constellation work, Where you can even do table constellations with, For example, These backbones. Or you can ask. Real people to represent your family members. So you, For example, When you don't have a sibling or a parent who wants to go in therapy, Constellation work can be a great site. Offering. Because someone can represent as your sibling or parent. But more on that on my profile. Go check it out. And those are a couple of steps you can do. I think the main message I wanted to show here is that sometimes healing doesn't begin with reconnecting with a sibling. Sometimes it begins with understanding the family system you both came from. And your sibling may have been sending a cross from you. In the conflict? You know you're like having a conflict but if you look at the hole Both of you are sending in a bigger story. And I do want to address that there might be a loyalty for the parents. If you like this video, If you like this content, Let me know and I will make more videos. But I really hope this was helpful for you. Again, This is very individual work, This isn't like very black and white like you should do this this is happening this is it Of course, There's always context. But I did want to show you. How it can look like. And hopefully I've done that. Thank you.