Becoming More Me With Alexia Leachman

Alexia Leachman of The Fear Free Childbirth Podcast lost her mom at 30. This loss sent her on a massive personal journey, where she ended up learning the tools and techniques that helped address her fears around becoming a mom herself. She's since been on a mission to help other women unlock their fears of pregnancy and childbirth. We'll touch on the reality of "being a mom without a mom."

Transcript

Welcome to Coming Back. I would love for you to start us off with your lost story. The lost story that defined me really is the loss of my mother. And that happened when I was just turning 30. So it happened for me way too soon in my life and hers for her to go. And it all happened very quickly because she passed with cancer. And she had cancer when I was a teenager, You know, So she was battling cancer when I was 15 and she had breast cancer and had breast removed. And so we were lucky that she didn't go at that point. And it came back. And we found out that it came back quite quickly. Her health hadn't been good for many years, But we just couldn't know what on earth was going on. The doctors didn't seem to be able to find any answers for us. And then suddenly we found out that she had nine tumors in her brain and six weeks later she was gone. So it's a very quick and brutal transition from having her there to suddenly she was gone. And I completely spiraled out of control. And one thing that really made my experience quite tough was that my both my mum, Because she was a single mum, So she raised both of us. And because I was the oldest of the two, Then I acted like her buddy, Her friend. And so there's a thing that's known within psychological circles, A condition that's called emeshing. And it's when the parent and the sibling or the child are very close, Too close than they should be for a parent child relationship. So I'd get consulted on what colour we're going to decorate the lounge, What car we're going to get, What we're going to get on holiday. I'd sort of help her to raise my brother kind of thing. So when she left, It was very much a part of me went with her. And I completely, Literally a part of me just disappeared that day. And I very much spiraled out of control. So I was leading up to that. I was in a very good position. I'm on the outside looking very confident, Very sure of myself. Yeah, Good job. You know, It's all all that good stuff. And suddenly my whole world collapsed, Wasn't there. And so I called into question everything about who I was, What was important, Why I was here, What was what was the point. And so I was very much in a spiral, Downward spiral. And I think I must have spent a good year in the fetal position, Just sobbing my eyes out and just feeling sort of that raw pain that you get with grief. And I realized, You know, This carried on for a bit, I got back into work. And it was it was not an easy journey, Because I just find myself being sidelined by grief, You know, Just crying, Just without warning. And I realized that things are really reaching a low point for me when I needed to take a couple of weeks holiday work. And, And I love traveling, And I absolutely adore traveling. And, And I realized I didn't want to go traveling, Because I'd be stuck with me and I didn't want to be with me and, And, And, And what this was a real issue. And at the point at that moment in time, Eat, Pray, Love was a huge bestseller. And I just read it and absolutely adored it. And I remember thinking, I need what she's got, What she had on the ashram. I need somebody to just lock me up with my demons so I can face this. Because there's nothing else that's going to do this for me. And I was looking at retreats, You know, Week long retreat with nice nutritious food and a couple of meditations and a bit of yoga. And I was like, That's not going to do it for me. I need something really hardcore to really go deep and sort this out. Because if I don't, I'm just going to hit drugs or not want to end it all. I literally couldn't find a way out of this because I felt so low. And I came across something that was pretty much not my savior, But it got me out of the hole. And that was I discovered something called the Hoffman process, Which is like an eight day residential therapeutic retreat for want of a better word. And that was my that was the thing that got me out of my hole of grief and set me on track again to being a person that wasn't affected by it so badly. So yeah, I think that was my journey of going through that, Which I think is very dark two years for me, That period of time. I totally get this feeling of I use this visual a lot of this huge tree just like being uprooted and all the roots and the gross stuff down there is like dangling and it won't go back into the place where it got pulled out from but there's really nowhere else to put it. And so you're like, What am I supposed to do when literally everything has been upended? Yeah. How did you discover Eat, Pray, Love? And how did you discover the Hoffman process? Like, How did these things come to you? I have no idea how Eat, Pray, Love came to me, Probably because it was so popular. I don't know. It was a big, You know, It's a very popular book and themes that I was very drawn to. When I was going through my, You know, In the period in the six weeks when my mum was very ill and it was, You know, It was discussed that she needed to go into palliative care and that there wasn't anything that could be done. And my aunt just arrived, My family are from France and so my aunt came in from France. And she said, You need to read this. And she gave me the Tibetan book of the living and the dead. And I think I just read the dead section. I haven't read the living section to this day. And I just, I must have just consumed that book while we were sitting in the hospice, Literally just slightly for bed. So yeah, My the beginning of my spiritual bit, You know, The Tibetan piece was planted, The seed was planted back right before she died. And so I'm sure that my antenna would have been alert to any kind of spiritual kind of books. I think the minute Eat, Pray, Love was out, I was probably on it like a carbonate, You know. Oh, Sure. That makes perfect sense to me. And I'm laughing because this is not the first time that the Tibetan book of the living and the dead has been mentioned on this podcast. This will actually be two weeks in a row, I think. That's been mentioned. And this is kind of a heads up from the universe to me that maybe I need to read that because I did not have that as a resource in the loss of my mom. Is there one memory or one day leading up to her death that you remember or that stands out more than anything else? Oh, Gosh, Yeah, There was a moment when I was just sitting at the side of the bed holding a hand and there was, I don't know if you know of Bruno Gronning, Who's a German healer back in the, I think he was banished from Germany for going, I don't know, He's a fascinating healer. He had a huge neck because he would channel energy through his neck. But he was quite an incredible person. I want to read more about him. My grandma, I used to talk about him and she used to kind of, I don't know, Talk to him in some way. He's part, He's dead, You know, So I don't know how she was doing that. But she did communicate with him in some way. And one thing that he talked about very much was having this gold beam of light connecting between two beings from their heart space. And how this is almost like something that is probably the size of a watermelon in diameter. You know, It's a really big channel of pure love, Basically. And I had that experience with her in the hospice where I literally, I swear I could have touched it. There was this very powerful golden light that was just coming straight into my heart just from her. And it was just, I don't know how long, I would have been in a timeless space when that happened. I couldn't tell you what was going on. It's just a very clear memory and a very clear feeling of just pure love that happened in that moment. And when I've asked about that kind of experience since it's like, Yeah, That was she was basically just kind of communicating in the only way she could the love that she had for me. So that was kind of pretty monumental. I'm curious to know this is kind of an Oprah question. But what did you know for sure in that moment? Love, I don't know for me, Love is it was just it's all about love. Yeah, Well, Not wanted to sound like Wonder Woman, But I believe in love. Love is the most powerful thing that I think is better than love. And I think it's just the unconditional love that she had for me as her daughter, As her, You know, That that's what I felt. And it was very unequivocal, Very powerful. Yeah, I love that picture. I want to move forward next and talk about the days, Months, Even the two year span. After your mom's death, Where you're walking through this, This darkness of loss, I'm curious to know what you wrestled with internally and externally, I guess, Both with your brother and this identity of enmeshing that you talked about earlier, And as well as trying to deal with the quote unquote, Everyday things like your house and with work and travel and pets. I mean, All these things that just come in and demand still having attention, Despite the fact that you're like, Don't you understand, I just lost everything. Yes. Talk about that a little bit for me. So I headed up this division and was in the middle of doing a massive relaunch of a huge brand of products here in the UK with a big retailer, And it was a major project. I'd hired a big team. And also there was talk of the company that I'd migrated to being interested in selling me that portion of the business. So I was looking at doing, Getting funding, Investment, Investment. There's this big stuff going on that required me, And I was the one driving it. I was the one absolutely at the helm, Leading people through this project that was apparently not possible, But it was happening under my steam. And so without me being completely able to drive it, The whole thing was literally going to collapse. So this was what was going on in my workplace. And so I wasn't able to go through with the buyout that I wanted to because suddenly, You know, This my mum situation happened very quickly over six feet period and completely sidelined me. So in that time, Another group of people had bought the company, And they were really nasty pieces of work, And they had no patience, They were no compassion of what I'd gone through. And I got a whiff. I was like, You know what, I'm just sensing an energy change here. And so I got myself some insurance, Some redundancy insurance. And within a week, I was made redundant of getting my redundancy insurance. So that my intuition was spot on. That basically paid for my bills for 12 months, Which was just what I needed. So I stopped work, I basically stopped. I think maybe three months after she died, I was made redundant. And I decided I just needed to do I just needed to find myself. I was doing soul searching. I did a DJ course, I did a video production course, I did a music production course, My background's marketing. So this is all very, Very different to what I was doing, You know, My background's business. So I explored, I decided to take, I did coaching, I did a coaching course, You know, I was really curious, I wanted to do work with more meaning. And so I was just kind of scrabbling around, I was like, I'm going to be a big DJ, I'm going to be, You know, Like all this kind of like, Literally, I was spinning out, Having sort of reached a very senior level in marketing, I was like, Oh, I'm going to just suck it all in and go and do some other crazy job and live on beaches and beach bars. Yay. And it's like, That's the sign of somebody that's just lost the plot, Right? Really, When you look back. I love that phrase. So I was, But I was, But I was lucky I took out this insurance, I was able to just be in bed and sob, But also do these other things that enabled me to kind of maybe find myself again. And that's what I needed to do, Because I'd lost touch with who I was, I didn't know who I was, Actually, A big part of me was my, My mother. And apparently, When you lose your husband or your partner, A lot of people say that they lose, They feel like half of them is gone, Because you make so much room in you for them, That when they go half of you feels like it's gone. And I really felt like that's what happened to me that some of me went and I had to kind of rebuild who I was. But that meant knowing what I was made of what knowing what what pieces I need to find to fill the gaps, You know, So I really had to really understand, Go back to basics on what are my values? What is important to me? What are my goals? You know, This is all really fundamental stuff, Which kind of very well fits in with a very with a coaching piece. So as I was training in that I was learning some of this stuff, I was learning about identifying my values. So my, My journey seeking out wanting to be a coach was very much aligned with actually, This is what I need, I need to find this out for me, You know, A lot of the healing professionals are actually on that journey, Because they need to do find the answer to themselves, First and foremost, And that's definitely what's defined me in my journey. And this is what started me off on my own journey of shifting careers and shifting into a new line of work was, Was needing to find answers primarily for myself. And as I found those answers, I was able to then share those answers through my work, Through people that were two or three steps just behind me on a similar path. So, So yeah, Those two years was very much dabbling, Exploring, Wrestling. So I discovered the Hoffman process. And I, I did that. And I think the way that I would describe the Hoffman process is when I was looking to go on holiday, And I was like, Oh, I need something a bit more hardcore. So I was just googling, Looking for something. And I think I just found it through Google. And I decided it's pretty expensive for me back then. But I decided that this was, This was my one shot at kind of finding sanity again and finding coming home, As it were, In my, To, You know, Coming home to myself in a sense of being happy with who I was. I would describe Hoffman as being basically it kind of breaks you down to the, The, The, The pair bits of what you're made of. And it's brutal and raw, But it's powerful and amazing. And it's such an incredible process. But when you come out of it, At least when I came out of it, I felt like my shell had just been put back. It's still very delicate. It wasn't very solid. It wasn't strong. It's like you've just been glued back, But the glue is still a bit gooey. It hadn't dried and set, You know. And, And I felt like I still quite delicate for a while after Hoffman. So it wasn't my, It wasn't total healing for me. It was a very important step. But it wasn't the thing that, That set me on the path of happiness. It was the thing that stopped me sinking into a spiral of a yuck. But it wasn't the thing that kind of made me properly whole, If that makes sense. Somebody told me about a course I needed to go on. They said, You're going to love it. You're going to love it. And it's the first course. He's, He's come up with the technique and it's the first course. You've got to come on the training. And that moment when she, We were having lunch and I will remember this moment forever, Because it's such a clear moment. I felt when she was telling me I had to be on that course, I felt like God, If I believed in God, Was booming down at me, Pointing his finger, Going, You will be on the course. And I was like, I've got to be on this damn course. Like, I felt like this is a defining life moment for me that had to be on the course. And I called the guy and I was like, I can't afford the damn course. He's like, Don't worry, You don't have to pay me. Just pay me when you've got the money. I was like, Okay, This is the universe making this easy. And I went on the course and it was life changing. It was a new therapy. It completely started to fix me in the way, In where it basically picked up where Hoffman left off. And it was started, And I tried a lot. Believe me, I've been, You know, I've been to Tony Robbins events. I've done Reiki. I've chased everything to fix, Not fix myself. I hate someone who's fixed, But to address how I was feeling. I've tried loads of stuff. And when on Hoffman, You're exposed to lots and lots of Tony. So, I feel like I have really tried a lot of stuff to address my crap, You know. And this was the stuff that really made the difference. This is stuff that was having impact really quickly. And this was life changing for me. And I went on to, Because of my marketing background and the way that I spoke about what I'd learned and how I needed to express it to my clients to continue to sell what I just learned. The founder, We partnered together and we started training other people in it together. So, I ended up becoming one of the sort of leading trainers in the world of this technique now. And it's now what I continue to do today. And it's what I've adapted to my current work. So, It's very much, That was a very much life defining moment. And it's a life defining moment that was as a direct result of my grief experience that has now turned into my life's work of what I do today. When I say I'm enormously grateful for my loss, I really truly am because I'm now doing work that has meaning and I adore and that is really, If I get hit by bus tomorrow, I know my work has done already. I've done it. I have no regrets. And for that, I'm grateful. People never, Some people never have that in their life. So, I'm searching for gratitude in the ways that I can because I think that's an important way of dealing with what you're dealt personally. I see this pattern come up a lot in grief where loss happens and you get, You don't even really get asked if you want to go on the search. You kind of get forced to search for answers and for meaning and for stability and everything after grief happens. And then there's this process of finding as well. You're kind of trying on these different modes and modalities and coaches and books and ideas and say, What will help me? What will bring me through? What were some core things that you found that you never lost in the first place? What happened as part of my own grief processes and as part of my own rebuilding and the work that I did through things like the Hoffman and the technique that I learned was I became more me. So, When you said that I didn't lose in the first place, No, I didn't lose that stuff. But I was just my core essence, My core truth, Whatever you want to call that, Who I was, Was being clouded so much by all the conditioning, Everything that you know. When you're a 20-year-old in late 20s, Not many people know who they are at that point. They're still figuring things out. So, At 30, I was still figuring some stuff out and suddenly I get this event that kind of spirals me out. And when I came out the other side, My other half, He just said, You're just more you. And that feels like a really nice way to kind of express it that I'm just a highly more concentrated version, Less of the crap, You know, Less of the distraction, Less of the head trash, Less of the fears and anxieties and confusion and conflicts, All that stuff that kind of masks who you are and prevents you from being fully authentic and being on your path or aligned, Whatever, However you language that. That was coming back to me, Was actually just being more me. I want to bring in your podcast and the work that you do now, Because I know I introduced you at the start of this show in Fear Free Childbirth and the concept of tokophobia and having home births and just birthing in general. So, Can you tell us a little bit about the work that you do? And then I would love to talk about how your loss affected you and your kids and your idea of being a mom as well. So, Yes, My work today. So, When I first discovered this technique that kind of was life change with me, I described the experience of using this technique as clearing my head trash. That's kind of how it felt. And so, My first podcast was called The Head Trash Show and I built a business called Head Trash. And I was a head trash clearance coach and business coach. And so, I was very much doing all that stuff. And when I first found out I was pregnant for the first time, I was hugely fearful. In fact, When I first was pregnant, I had a miscarriage at eight weeks. And the shock of finding out I was pregnant, Which wasn't a planned pregnancy. And so, I really didn't take it very well at all. In fact, I got a photograph of me within two or three minutes of discovering looking at the pregnancy test and it's not a pretty photo. It's not a person who's delighted to being pregnant. It's somebody who looks like they've just had really bad news, Which I had. And when I miscarried, I was relieved. And I knew when I experienced that relief that something wasn't right. And I didn't know what that was at that time. But I knew that that was a cue for me to do some serious soul searching because what kind of response is that? That is not a healthy maternal response. And so, During the year that followed that miscarriage, I basically used this head trash clearance technique on me and all my stuff. So, I worked. This is where I really started motoring in terms of getting back to me from the grief. This is that year where I really started feeling better properly. And then when I got pregnant again, I was, Well, I was feeling better about the pregnancy, But I was still really terrified of birth. And I used this technique to clear my own fears of birth. But what I didn't realize at that time was that having huge fears of birth, So the fear that I had of birth, I basically couldn't open my birth books and read about birth, Especially the pages of my book that had a birth canal in it. They'd make me have a panic attack. So, I couldn't even look at the pages. I'd have to close the book. If I was on the underground train in London, For example, I'd be there quite a lot. If I read a story about a woman giving birth in a taxi, Which happened to me once, I just burst out crying on the train, Not knowing why. I couldn't bear the idea of a baby moving in my tummy. I felt like an alien. I had a parasite. It would freak me out. That was basically what was going on in my mind. It was very difficult that first trimester, But I happened to be doing some advanced training in this technique. I was able to just go, Oh, We're going to practice the next stuff. We need to work on a fear. So, Pick a fear, Get into pairs. I was just telling everybody about my fears in a very supportive environment. I was very lucky. A lot of women who are pregnant who share their fears don't get the opportunity to do that in a very supportive environment. I was able to work on those. I ended up discovering a thing called hypnobirthing, Which is a great birth prep technique. In my research, I learned the link between fear and pain in birth. I realized pain was my biggest fear. That really prompted me to go, Well, You know what? I'm going to use this technique I've just learned to clear my own fears. I'm just going to do it that way, Make my own version of hypnobirthing. That's what I'll do. In about two months, I cleared all my fears. I decided month seven, I'm going to ditch my C-section plan, Hospital birth plan, And I'm going to go for a home birth because I can do this. This is fine. That's what happened. I had an amazing home birth. I didn't think anything of it. I created a couple of audio tracks and things. I needed them to help me clear my own. I didn't do anything with it because I didn't realize at the time that this was a thing that other women experienced. I thought I was a weirdo. I thought that women didn't experience this. This is just me. I didn't do anything with it until pregnancy number two, Where I had loads of new fears because I was an older mum this time. I had the prenatal depression thing going on. I went back to my earlier work for my first pregnancy and did it all again. When I gave birth, I had emails from women who I didn't know who'd heard about my journey, Which I find quite incredible. I find it difficult that people talk about my pregnancy journey like this. Oh, You need to get in touch with Alexia because she's just had an amazing birth twice. She was really scared. You need to find out what she's done. I was getting these emails from women going, What did you do? What I did is I couldn't just write a paragraph to tell them what I did because it was more than that. I had to unpack it. There was a technique. I adapted a therapy to make it a DIY version. When I started, I must have written a good handful of emails. I'm breastfeeding now with a three-week-old at this point. I'm like, You know what? It's going to be quicker to write a book. I was like, Oh, I'm going to write a book. This is when I started writing my book. I got the first draft done in two months. That was channeled that book. When I was in my head trash business, I was like, I'm not going to write a book. It's going to be a business book to help business people clear their head trash. It ended up being a book on pregnancy and birth fears. I didn't choose to write that book. I wrote the first chapter was my business head trash book. It just became my aunt spoke to me again. My spiritual mentor went, Oh, You need to write a book for pregnant women. I'm like, You're joking. Seriously, I'm a business coach. This is a ridiculous idea. But yeah, The next day, What am I doing? I'm writing a book for women on their fears of birth. Within two months, I'd written 80, 000 words. It just happened with a new baby. This is the book that I'm about to bring out. I had this book and I'm a business coach. I'm like, Lex, What have you done? You coach men who are leaders of business and you've written them on pregnancy. This is not going to wash with your personal brand. How are you going to handle this? I know. I'll just bring a podcast out while I'm on maternity leave and keep it quiet. Yeah, I'll get back to my head trash business once this is all out of the way. And the podcast just went a little bit crazy. I had my head trash show podcast, Which was very successful. It was at the top of iTunes, Basically. It was dominating the top 10. I regularly had three episodes in the top 10. I was nominated for an award in Las Vegas. So, In my mind, I had a very popular podcast. And yet the stats I was getting on the Fear-Free childbirth just completely engulfed what I was experiencing on the head trash show. And I started getting emails from women all around the world saying, I need more information. How do you do it? And they're telling me what they're thinking. And it really snowballed. And at some point, I thought, I'm going to have to part my head trash business and give this a little bit more attention because women need this. I need to listen to what this audience is telling me because they want help. This isn't just me. I didn't realize how widespread fear in birth was. It's kind of created this whole new area of work for me that I never. . . If you'd said to me three years ago, Hey, You're going to be working pregnant women, I'd have laughed in your face. You know, I was coaching alpha males in business, Business leaders. So it totally doesn't fit with my plan. But not plan. But yeah, It wasn't on the. . . I definitely didn't see it coming. Let's put it that way. So yeah, So today I have my Fear-Free childbirth podcast. I work with women, Fearful pregnant women, Which includes tocophobic women. So that might mean that women aren't pregnant yet, But are really fearful of birth, Of pregnancy, Can't cope the idea of being pregnant, And need help and support in preparing. So it can be mild fear. It can be. . . And so I might coach some of those women. Or it could be extreme phobia where I'm working with somebody at the moment, And she's had two abortions with babies that she wants. And she desperately wants kids. And the relationship is straining. And it's really about getting rid of that fear so she can have the family that she wants and be happy again. So it's a really hardcore fear that isn't appreciated at all. People don't know enough about it and appreciate what the women that have it are going through, You know? And so helping these women feels really worthwhile for me, Because it's life-changing, You know? I'm curious to know where these childbirth experiences in your life came in in terms of timeline with your mom's death, And then how you thought of her, Or if you thought of her during both of these experiences, Like how she's influenced these moments in your life. My aunt was basically calling to say. . . I was like, Oh, I'm gonna go. I'm just gonna put myself on a water skiing holiday. She goes, You're not going on holiday because your mother's ill. We didn't know what she had then, But my aunt's great intuition. And she was like, What do you mean? And she goes, You're not going anywhere. I was like, What do you mean she's going to be gone on my Christmas? And she said, I'm not saying that. I'm just saying you're not going on your holiday. As it happened, She was gone seven weeks later. And I remember one of the first things that crossed my mind sitting on the sofa, And I still remember this moment very, Very clearly was, Well, Who's going to be there for my kids and help me with kids? That was the first thing that hit me. And even though at that moment in my life, I was still like, Oh, I don't know if I want kids. I don't like kids. Like, Literally, I was still on this. I was talkophobic, So I didn't want kids. But there was a very clear, Deep thing within me. Well, Who will support me when I have kids? And so, Yeah, Being pregnant without a mom is tough. And raising kids without a mom is tough, Especially when you've got everyone around you talking about, Oh, Mom's coming over and this stuff. You're like, Yeah, I'm just doing all this on my own. I've got nobody to ring up in the middle of the night, Nobody to support me. I'm literally making this up as I go along on my own. It's been very difficult being a mom without a mom. But, You know, That's my path. And a lot of women have that path. Yeah, It's not been an easy one. But I've stopped, Not whinging, But kind of thinking, Oh, Life's not fair. You know, I stopped in that a long time ago because, Yeah, No, Life isn't fair. Just suck it up, Buttercup, And just crack on with it, Okay? Just do with what you've got. Actually, What I've been given as a result of my experiences, Lots of strength, Lots of trusting of my intuition, And my ability to just focus on the important stuff, Which is love. There really is nothing else. So that's what drives me. How do you send love to your clients and through your podcast and your work? It's an interesting question. I think I'm present with what I'm doing. And so I always started doing it for the reason I genuinely wanted to help women, Like, Help them on this path. And I'm still doing it for those reasons. I remember the kind of person I was before my growth experience. Okay, Because I was in marketing. Okay, Let's identify an obvious market opportunity. Oh, Look, And there's a need here. And let's try and exploit that opportunity for business reasons, Which is awful. And that was who I was because I'd been trained. I'd gone to business school. I was in marketing. I was in corporate life. And that's what that kind of rammed into. I absolutely didn't approach what I'm doing today with that hat on. It was genuinely from a place of, These women need to know this information because it can change their lives in a huge way. And I still want to share that in that same way with them because it really does. The difference between a positive birth experience and a traumatic birth experience is just staggering in terms of how that impacts that woman and how it's going to impact her until her dying breath. I had one incredible email from a lady who she emailed me saying, I think you saved mine and my baby's life. My baby's not born yet. And I was like, What? And she was driving in her car, I think 28 weeks pregnant or something like that at night and listening to my podcast in the car and a car hit her from the front. And the car starts rolling down the hill. So she's tumbling down a hill. And at that moment in the podcast, I was saying how important it is for your baby, If you're in a stress moment, To just maintain even breathings. If you manage to stay calm and it's stressful around you, That you can protect your baby that way by just staying calm. Because if you get stressed, They get stressed. So just focus on your breathing and stay calm. And that's what I was saying. And that's what she did while the car was rolling down the hill. And then the car came to rest on its side or upside down. She had to wait 15 minutes from the ambulance. And all that was working in the car was the podcast. And all she could hear was my voice keeping her calm. And when the ambulance arrived, They're like, This is a miracle. Not only do you not have a scratch, But you are really calm. We don't need to take you in for observation. Your pulse is fine. This is a miracle. And she credits the podcast with helping her in that moment. And I just think that's just an incredible story. You know? If that's not a testimonial, I don't know what is. I know when I got that. And then when she emailed me her birth story, I was just in bits. I just cry all the time when my listeners send me their birth stories and their pictures. And when they come on the podcast and share their birth stories, I'm always crying on my podcast. Because it's such a beautiful thing to help women have these amazing experiences that they will live with them forever and make them. That when you have a great birth, It empowers you in so many ways and gives you confidence and like, You know, Strength that you can take to other parts of your life. This is such an important, For me, Such an important thing to help people with. And because of my own story, If I'm becoming my own stuff, You know, It makes it worthwhile. I'm a worthwhile person to help them with that. I definitely want to ask how you feel sitting in this chair right now. Looking back at your loss at 30, What about you is different? And or if you had to send a message back to yourself at that time, What would it be about what the future holds for you? I think it's what message I still try and tell myself today, Actually, Which is trust. Things are going to be fine, You know, And I still wrestle with that today. It's just being trusting in the universe that things are going to be okay. You know, I still worry a bit that things aren't going to be okay. And certainly back then, I would have been really panicking that things weren't going to be okay. And, You know, I think the trusting, Surrendering and allowing the control freaks in us always like to kind of make sure it's okay, Rather than just let go, Lie back and allow it to be okay. And there's a very fine balance. Certainly within the birth contacts, There's a very fine balance between being in control and letting go. And I think that applies to life where you kind of want to be in control of your life, You want to be driving it, You want to be doing stuff, But also, There's a lot of value in just stepping back and allowing life to happen and surrendering to it and being taken by the current because sometimes the current could take you in interesting places rather than always being come to paddle. Yes, That trust that everything is going to be okay. And it's not going to look like what you thought it was going to look like. And sometimes that'll tick you off, But it will turn out in the end.