Welcome to day eight of the Break Your Habits Challenge here on Insight Timer.
We all have things we keep doing,
Even when we wish we wouldn't.
This is your time to understand these patterns and find ways to hopefully do things differently.
Let's jump into today's session.
Hello my lovely ones and a huge congratulations on making it to the final day of the challenge.
I'm Dr.
Sara Nasserzadeh.
As a social psychologist,
Relational psychotherapist,
And a psychosexual therapist,
Many people know me as the relationship architect,
Because I truly believe you have the power to design a thriving,
Joyful relationship in every corner of your life,
From the bedroom to the boardroom.
Today I want to address a pattern so many of us fall into.
Losing interest the second a relationship gets comfortable.
At the start is 3 loops You're floating,
You can't stop thinking about them,
And everything feels charged.
But then things settle.
The relationship becomes easy and familiar.
And ironically,
That very ease starts to feel flat and uncomfortable.
A voice creeps in and asks.
With the spark on.
Did I pick the wrong person to begin with?
If a peaceful,
Comfortable relationship has ever left you wondering if something is missing,
Stay with me.
This one is specially for you.
Your love blueprint is the unconscious map you carry about what love is supposed to feel like,
Look like,
And feel like.
And we absorb it in early childhood from our first caretakers.
How we were comforted.
Whether love was expressed through touch,
Words through feeding you.
Through shared meals.
And whether love was given freely.
Or had to be earned.
Your blueprint sets your expectations,
Your rules of engagement.
At your threshold for fulfillment.
As an adult,
You either compulsively chase that familiar default,
Or you spend your life running away from it.
If you find yourself getting bored the moment the relationship calms down.
You're likely caught right in the crosshair of this internal conflict.
To make matters more complex,
Our culture layers on its own fairy tales.
We are taught that true love must be unpredictable,
Chaotic,
And dramatic.
We're told that if you don't have butterflies in your stomach,
It isn't real.
As a scientist,
I have to tell you,
Butterflies aren't always a sign of love.
They are a sign that your nervous system has been activated.
Whether that agitation is positive or a warning signal depends entirely on your blueprint.
In our research with hundreds of couples who have sustained thriving relationships over decades,
They didn't define love through chaotic butterflies.
They define it through consistent intentional behaviors.
Going out of their way to support one another,
Honoring each other's individual priorities and needs on a daily basis.
Cultivating small sacred rituals that belong only to the two of them.
Now,
You might be thinking,
Oh,
Dr.
Saurav,
That sounds wonderful,
But I still want the excitement.
And to that I would say,
Absolutely,
Enjoy the spark.
But build a foundation that can hold it.
Losing interest when things get comfortable isn't proof that the love has faded.
It simply means you've hit the boundary of an inherited blueprint you never consciously chose.
You can't build a steady lasting love until you can see that old map clearly and adjust it.
Before we start,
I invite you to take a pen and a piece of paper.
As I guide you through these questions,
Jot down the words or phrases that come up for you.
You're welcome to simply reflect,
But it really helps to have your blueprint written in front of you.
And please feel free to pause after any question if you need a little bit more time.
I want you to find a quiet place,
Just find yourself settled.
A couple of breaths in and out,
Just to settle in.
Get in touch with your body.
You can put your hand on your heart.
And just try to think about these questions and go back to as early of a memory as you can access.
Think about the feelings of being cozy.
Being comforted.
Being filled with joy.
And now try to answer these questions to get to your love blueprint.
What are your earliest memories of feeling loved or of loving another?
This includes feeling like someone truly cared about you,
Your feelings,
And interested in you and your life.
Now think about your five senses.
What are the touches you were given or allowed to give to express and receive love?
Was there a particular facial expression that you associated with loving or being loved?
What words did you hear?
And you could be associating negative or positive feelings to this.
We are not judging it at this moment.
Just bring on anything that you remember.
What do you associate with love through the senses of taste and smell?
Was love expressed through play or through food,
Through other acts and rituals?
Did you perceive it the same way that was offered?
For example,
If food was offered as a gesture of love,
Did you receive it that way and perceive it that way?
When you were growing up,
Did your family say,
I love you often?
Was love even a part of the verbage?
How did you know that you were loved,
Cherished,
Felt special?
Was love expressed as a reward for positive or desired behaviors,
Like good grades,
Obedience,
Or being helpful?
Did you have access to it unconditionally?
No matter your behavior or whatever that you achieve.
When you think about loving relationships today,
Either romantic or platonic with your friends,
With your siblings,
Even with your co-workers,
What behaviors do you associate with feeling love and giving love?
And what was the energy around you when you felt loved?
Or when love was taken away.
After this exercise,
Take a moment to sit with the blueprint you now have in front of you.
This map is here to help you understand your true needs in relationships and to be able to communicate them clearly to people around you,
Whether in romantic or platonic relationships.
This is simply showing you what you're attracted to when it comes to love and what is it that you're running from.
And if you notice a pattern you would like to change,
Simply becoming aware of it is the first step.
If you'd like more support,
You can always bring it to a therapist or a mental health professional who is qualified to help you to make the changes you want in your life.
Remember.
Everyone deserves to be in the loving relationship they desire.
And we are all capable of creating it,
No matter where we come from.
And with that,
Our challenge comes to a close.
Thank you for showing up for yourself across these days.
For your honesty,
For your vulnerability,
And for your willingness to look at the patterns that quietly shape your life.
That's brave and tender work.
And you did it!
Whatever you have discovered about yourself,
Let it stay with you and be gentle as you carry it forward.
Change rarely arrives all at once.
You know that.
It grows in small,
Steady moments of awareness.
Just like the ones you have practiced here.
It has been an honor to spend this final day with you,
And I'm sending you all my love.
