This week,
Week 42.
I'm sharing with you something I've worked through.
A surprise that was anger?
Turn to enlightenment.
Turn to my own work.
Join me.
Let's jump in.
When I dare to be powerful.
To use my strength in the service of my vision.
Then it becomes less and less important,
Whether I'm afraid.
Audre Lorde.
This quote has been our quote of the week before.
But it's worth repeating.
When I dare to be powerful,
To use my strength in the service of my vision.
Then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.
How about you,
Awake and creative?
As this year found you in service to your vision.
Your strength aligning more and more,
Step by step,
Into that powerful being.
Are you less afraid?
I did something I thought I'd never do.
Or rather,
I disliked doing so much in my past iterations of self.
That I really never wanted to do it again.
Fundraise.
Ask for money.
Ask for help.
I can do a lot.
I have strength more capacious than truly I thought possible.
And I won't lie,
I'm proud of that.
I'm proud of this body.
What it can do.
I'm proud of this mind.
What it can shrug off.
As the body takes up its muscles,
Its armor,
And charges into the unknown.
And then turns and smiles this mind and heart of mine at itself.
So grateful.
For its courage.
It's vulnerability.
But it's strength and trust to go for it.
But when I have to ask for help.
When my own resources just don't cover everything.
Because one person.
When element isn't meant to be.
To do it all.
I don't like it.
I don't like to rely on others and potentially be defeated.
Or disappointed.
I've often called it anticipation anxiety.
That point of composing an email and hitting send.
Applying and waiting.
Painting.
And hoping.
Anticipation anxiety.
It's a bugger.
I don't think there's any way to fully put it down.
That envisioning the anticipation.
But yes,
It is tied to anxiety.
In starting a non-profit this year,
I did so hoping to add benefit to those who would contribute.
Because that's what I needed.
My financial resources do not match those of my vision,
Of my strength.
Of my courage.
Of my will.
Yet I know they're out there somewhere.
People with those resources of finance.
Without a vision or strength to build it.
I think perfect match.
I need to find them.
So I reach out.
Some rejections don't sting too much.
I know they'll come.
But some.
Some I thought.
Understood.
Cared.
If not for my vision and my little part of this world I'm creating into being,
Then at least in me.
When they say no.
When they bow their heads with their heads.
Rejection I'm angry.
I'm angry.
Disillusionment.
Is a shattering.
And that's what happened.
Months have gone by now since this rejection times three occurred.
The sting is less.
The understanding is there and still,
Not necessarily the comprehension.
I know I'm only looking from my perspective.
Obviously not from theirs.
But it's a battle.
I've had to make the choice to.
.
.
I've had to make the choice.
To not carry it,
To let it go and not ruminate on it.
Because I want that for my life.
I can't ask for sense-making.
It will do me no good to charge forward with my flag waving and demand an explanation from them.
Sure,
I might get one.
But it's not gonna make sense.
Not the way I need it to.
So for my life.
To own my strengths.
And to be in best service to my vision.
I'm choosing to let it go.
And the interesting.
Important thing.
That I'm less afraid.
Those imagined resources.
Those considered alignments.
They no longer cause anticipation anxiety.
You see.
As is the case in last week's reading of my five personal years.
Resources unexpected have come about.
They haven't manifest into the finances I thought those other resources would supply.
But they've seemed to come from nowhere.
And my courage to apply.
To ask.
To reach out.
I find to be remarkably authentic.
And filled with the passion I really feel.
Rather than.
The anticipation.
The anxiety.
Of reaching into those past relationships and asking them to understand this journey I am on and come along.
Till you see.
And I don't think I'm doing a great job here,
But I'm trying.
You see,
My point.
The past is still here.
It's always going to be here.
We have to hold everything and everyone.
In right relation at each point of our journey.
A lot of those past relationships.
Aren't there in the capacity I would hope or wish right now.
And that's just gonna be okay.
There's still a little anger.
Definitely frustration.
But as I let it go a little bit more and a little bit more.
It just doesn't matter.
Because new things come on that horizon.
Unexpected opportunities and resources.
They don't look the same.
They don't hold the same power I envisioned in that machination.
Bad boy.
They have momentum.
And that makes all the difference.
Because it fuels.
And where there's fuel,
There's movement.
Or on this journey.
Awaken Creative.
It's a commitment.
But it's also living wide open,
Alive.
When I dare to be powerful,
To use my strength in the service of my vision.
Then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.
Awake and creative.
Along with me.
