If you've ever thought,
I love my partner,
So why don't I ever just feel like having sex?
Then this video is for you.
I'm Dr.
Lori Brotto.
I'm a psychologist and sex researcher at the University of British Columbia.
For more than 20 years,
I've studied sexual desire,
What drives it,
What dampens it,
And why so many people believe that theirs is broken when it isn't.
Let's start with a story that many of us have absorbed.
In movies,
Desire appears out of nowhere.
Someone catches a glimpse across the room and suddenly they're swept away having sex.
Wanting comes first,
Then touch,
Then arousal.
That's the way desire works for some people and researchers call it spontaneous desire.
You but it's only one pattern.
And for many people,
Especially women in long-term relationships,
It isn't the only one.
There's a second pattern called responsive desire.
In this pattern,
Desire doesn't show up first.
It shows up in response to something,
A kiss,
A touch,
Feeling close,
A context that feels safe and relaxed.
You might begin feeling pretty neutral.
You're open,
But not craving sex.
Then as things unfold,
Your body starts responding and somewhere along the way,
The wanting,
The desire arrives.
My late colleague,
Dr.
Rosemary Basson,
Here in Vancouver,
Described this more than two decades ago.
Her model showed that for many women,
The starting point for sex isn't a burst of lust.
It's a willingness to be open,
Often motivated by wanting closeness or connection.
Desire builds from there.
That was a big shift and it meant that women who rarely felt desire means that they could experience a different kind of desire.
A responsive one.
Our diagnostic manual reflects this now too,
And lacking sexual desire out of the blue is not considered a sexual dysfunction.
What matters is whether desire can emerge at all and whether you're distressed by it.
So why does this matter so much?
Because when people only know the spontaneous script,
They wait and they wait.
They wait to feel desire before they're even willing to start anything.
So if your desire is responsive,
That feeling may never come.
Months can go by and you start to wonder,
What's wrong with me?
Often your partner might wonder that too.
Nothing is wrong.
You've been waiting for a starting signal that your body was never going to send.
Here's what I want you to take away.
First,
Both patterns are normal.
Most people experience some mix of responsive and spontaneous desire,
And the balance can shift with life stage,
Stress,
Hormones,
Kids in the household,
How long you've been together,
And so many other things.
Early relationships often feel more spontaneous,
Whereas longer term ones often become more responsive.
For some,
Not all people.
That's typical.
That's not a decline.
Second,
Responsive desire responds to context.
Ask yourself,
What helps you feel relaxed,
Connected,
Present?
And what gets in the way.
Fatigue,
Resentment,
A mind full of to-do lists are all putting the foot on the brake pedal.
Time,
Safety,
Affection,
Pleasure without pressure can open the door.
It's like putting the foot on the gas pedal.
Third,
Being willing is not the same as faking it.
Choosing to stay open,
To see what happens without forcing anything,
Is a legitimate way in.
If desire shows up,
Wonderful.
If it doesn't,
You can stop.
That freedom to stop is often what lets desire emerge in the first place.
Let's try a small reflection together.
Take a slow breath in.
And let it go.
Think back to a time you felt desire even briefly.
Not how you think desire should feel,
Just a real moment of desire.
Did it arrive out of nowhere or did it build after something,
A touch,
A laughter?
Dancing,
Feeling seen.
There's no right answer.
Just notice.
Whatever you found is information about how your desire works.
It's not a verdict.
If not in the mood has been a source of worry for you or your partner,
I hope this gives you a kinder way to see it.
Your desire may simply be waiting to be invited.
