Dear ladies,
It's time for another episode of the Her Reset Podcast about de-centering old societal rules,
Old business rules,
Old gender rules in order to liberate ourselves and setting up our own rules to live our own lives on our own terms.
Hi,
My name is Andrea and this episode is about de-centering the old unwritten societal rules of care.
Ten years ago,
I funded and built my first intentional community.
I questioned the role of the government support in taking care of our children while we are working to earn our living.
It didn't make any sense to run errands each morning to drop off kids in the kindergarten and pick them up after work,
Totally exhausted and trying to make time for family and myself.
It was a hustle and I was thinking thinking,
This can't be life.
And that's where I started thinking about other ways to do this.
By the time my kids were younger in elementary school,
I was halfway self-employed and I decided to start my community.
As I started to build it,
More and more people joined and after one and a half years we were ready to start our own community school.
And I loved it.
It was a time where life felt so much more natural.
Of course,
It was also the place I have been harshly confronted with two worlds clashing against each other.
It really opened my eyes and reassured me that things Things can be done differently and we have to question things that seem normal just because everybody is playing along even when they are complaining.
As I learned more about the unwritten societal rules,
I also learned about how these have been imposed on us and how they shape who we become and how our societies evolve.
I lived in a couple of different countries and there's a pattern I cannot unsee that has bothered me ever since I was kindergarten age.
Where I grew up in Eastern Europe,
Mothers had to go back to work full time three months after giving birth.
Children were taken to a nursery where they were taken care of till the mothers finished work.
I remember going to the nursery with my mom after school,
Picking up my sister when I was six.
It was shocking for me to see those little babies rubbed and lots of little beds aligned next to them.
To each other.
Nurseries established to keep babies alive.
Withdrawing basic needs like breastfeeding and using formulas instead?
I remember my mom preparing formulas for my sister.
It felt so wrong.
I mean basic care of the mother that is so vital to every human being has been withdrawn at the third month of being born into this world.
And what about the health of the mother?
The psychological impact on generations as a domino effect is undeniable.
We've been pushed into a system that doesn't honor the natural way of life.
Instead,
It forces nature to obey economical systems.
And on the other side of this institutional care,
As they like to call it,
The vital labor of sustaining life,
Like building and maintaining relationships that are vital to us humans,
As we are social beings,
Was left to the private sphere.
With a twist.
Organic communities have been dismantled and the norm of nuclear families has been pushed to be the new normal.
Let me give you some points to look at.
We plan our lives around work,
Kindergarten,
School.
Institutions,
Instead of the natural flow of life like seasons,
Birth,
Recovery,
Basic human needs.
Another one,
We can only take care about ourselves and our families after paid work has been delivered.
Our lives are centered around productivity.
In this realm,
Two strangers are expected to build a small community with the support of the institutions that are meant to replace the village that is needed but doesn't exist anymore.
The institutional care,
On the other hand,
Does not take any responsibility for the well-being of our communities.
And here comes the unwritten rule of care.
Responsible for a household and raising children into total dependency of another person.
Today,
Two incomes can provide for a family.
Why is this important?
Because even though regulations have changed somewhat and women are now allowed to work for money,
The memory and the mindset of so many people didn't catch up with these changes.
Roles don't have a gender.
Care is universal,
And so is providership.
And under no circumstances is providership a form of power,
Nor does it mean solely financial providership.
Every person who is able and has the capacity to take on tasks of care and providership and perform those responsibly has to do it.
This is not a topic that has to be debated.
Women are depleted.
Relationships are falling apart.
We struggle to make time for self-care and struggle caring for others.
Isn't care supposed to be the collective infrastructure that makes life more possible?
I'm sharing my ideas,
As to me these seem very logical and basic.
I felt an immense relief once I could see these patterns.
My workload as a single mother of two didn't become less by these thoughts.
And my workload as a married woman was the same or even bigger.
But this thought process helped me understand how society works and where my freedom lies in it.
And that felt liberating to me.
De-centering is a word.
That works better for me than detachment or just letting go.
With de-centering,
I could finally move the pink elephant out of the room and I have now the mental freedom and the mental capacity to ask questions like how might we organize our lives so that care is shared,
Valued and resourced,
Not as an inconvenience but as a central core need.
What have we been taught to call normal that you're beginning to question?
And what can we do?
We have to build communities.
We need communities of women,
As women are the only ones who can relate to,
Understand and support other women.
We need the mental space to see clearly.
We need solitude for that.
Time away from men,
From social media,
Where millions of voices overwhelm and confuse us,
Where everyone is selling something we don't need.
It's time to de-center ladies and form supportive communities.
I really hope that I could give you some insightful inputs on your decentering journey in the Resit community.
Until next time.
