Welcome to day one of the Break Your Habits Challenge here on Insight Timer.
We all have things we keep doing,
Even when we wish we wouldn't.
This is your time to understand these patterns and find ways to hopefully do things differently.
Let's jump into today's session.
Welcome to the Break Your Patterns Challenge.
I'm Dr.
Marielle Bouquet.
And today we're exploring a pattern that many of us carry.
Without even realizing it.
Feeling responsible for how everyone around us feels.
Maybe you're the person who notices when someone's mood shifts.
The one who tries to keep the peace.
To ease the tension or make sure everyone's okay.
Even when you're not.
And somewhere along the way.
You may have learned the keeping other people happy.
Was somehow your responsibility.
So today.
I want us to take a closer look at this pattern.
You may have grown up in a family where you learned to pay close attention to how everyone was feeling.
You knew when someone was upset.
Even when they didn't see it.
Maybe that's where you learn to be the one who kept the peace.
Maybe you grew up watching your mother put everyone else's feelings before her own.
Maybe you saw your father take responsibility for keeping the family together.
Even when it came at a cost to his own well-being.
And when we grow up,
Seeing those behaviors repeated.
We can begin to understand them.
Simply what it means to love someone.
We don't always recognize them as patterns because for us,
They were normal.
Your parents may have learned these same behaviors from their parents who may have learned them from theirs.
And without anyone consciously deciding to pass them along.
The pattern continues.
Over time.
What may have started as a way to create some sense of safety or stability.
Became a pattern you carried.
Into all of the relationships in your life.
And when we spend so much of our lives tending to other people's emotional needs,
We can slowly become people who are very good at helping others manage their lives while losing sight of our own.
We become so familiar with what everyone else needs.
That we may struggle to recognize what we need.
Or when we've reached our own emotional limits.
But the fact that you learned this pattern doesn't mean you have to keep repeating it.
You can begin to recognize where it came from.
Understand what it may have helped you navigate.
And make different choices about how you want to show up in your relationships today.
Let's dive into a practice.
That will help you recognize.
When you're taking responsibility for someone else's emotions.
And begin to make space for your own.
Let's take a few moments to explore how this pattern may have traveled through your family.
And enter your own life.
Find a comfortable position,
Sitting or lying down.
If it feels okay.
Gently close your eyes.
Or softening your gaze.
Take a slow breath in through your nose.
And a long breath.
Out through your mouth.
As you settle into this moment.
Allow yourself to notice what it's like to not have to do anything for anyone else right now.
There is no one you need to make happy.
No problem you need to solve.
No one's feelings you need to figure out.
For the next few minutes.
You get to turn some of that attention towards yourself.
Now I'd like you to think about the family you grew up in.
When someone was upset.
What typically happened.
Was there someone who stepped in to make things better?
Someone who tried to keep the peace.
Someone who put their own feelings aside.
To take care of everyone else.
Perhaps that person was you.
You don't have to revisit any difficult memories around this.
Just see if you can recognize.
Some of the patterns that existed in your family.
Now consider this.
Was there someone in your family?
Who modeled this behavior for you.
Maybe a parent,
A grandparent,
Or another caregiver who was always taking care of everyone else.
Someone who rarely seems to have room.
For their own feelings because they were so busy tending to the feelings of others.
And perhaps even without realizing it.
You learned to do the same.
Now gently bring your attention to your life today.
Think about a recent moment.
And you felt responsible for someone else's feelings.
Maybe a conversation where someone was upset and you felt a familiar pull to fix or perhaps someone who was disappointed or frustrated or unhappy and you immediately began wondering what you could do to make things better.
You don't need to go too deep.
Choose something that feels manageable to reflect on.
And just hold it lightly.
As you think of that moment.
Notice what happens inside of you.
Did you feel an urge to explain yourself?
To apologize.
To make the other person feel better.
Even if it meant putting your own feelings aside.
Maybe you felt uncomfortable simply allowing that person to be upset.
See if you can recognize the connection between.
What you'd learned growing up.
And how you respond in your relationships today.
Not every pattern will have a clear beginning.
And that's okay.
You don't have to know exactly where it came from to begin changing it.
Just notice where you feel this responsibility in your body.
Maybe there's a tightness in your chest or a knot in your stomach.
Or heavy shoulders,
Or perhaps you don't notice anything.
That's okay too.
If there's a place in your body that seems to be holding some tension.
Gently place a hand there.
If that feels comfortable.
You don't have to make the feeling go away.
Just acknowledge that it's there.
Now softly say to yourself.
Is this feeling mine?
Or am I taking responsibility?
For how someone else feels.
And perhaps there's another question worth asking.
What am I afraid might happen?
If I don't try to make this person feel better.
Maybe you're afraid they'll be disappointed in you.
Maybe you're worried they'll pull away or become angry or think you don't care.
Whatever comes up.
See if you can meet it.
With curiosity.
If some of what you've been carrying belongs to the other person.
Imagine gently setting it down beside you.
You're not throwing it away and you're not abandoning them.
You're simply recognizing.
That their feelings belong to them.
Just as yours belong to you.
And you don't have to carry both.
You might even quietly say to yourself.
I can care about you.
Without carrying this for you.
Take one more deep breath in.
And a slow breath out.
Feel the surface supporting you.
Notice the space around you.
And when you're ready.
Gently open your eyes.
Or bring your attention back to the room.
This pattern took years to form.
And it may have been passed down through generations.
So be patient with yourself as you begin to unlearn it.
Every time you pause and ask,
Is this mine?
You're teaching your nervous system something new.
That if something isn't yours to carry,
You're allowed.
To put some of it down.
And this is just the beginning.
In the sessions ahead.
You'll explore more of the patterns we carry.
And simple ways to work with them.
Take good care.
And I'm so glad you're here.
