Strategies for Women Who've Lost Their Desire

You will learn why so many women lose their sexual desire. You will understand a new type of desire that can help lead you to engage in satisfying sex--and why scheduling sex works. You will learn some ways to fully absorb in your bodies sensations, instead of being up in your head, during a sexual encounter.

Transcript

If you're a woman who says, I love my partner, But I never desire sex anymore, This video is for you. Hi, I'm Dr. Lori Mintz. I'm a licensed psychologist and a certified sex therapist. I've written three books for women to empower them sexually, Including one for women with just this problem. And research shows that women who read it have better sex, Become more desirous. And I'm gonna share with you one of the most important things I talk about in that book and with clients who tell me they've lost their desire. First off, I define desire. Desire simply means wanting sex for a variety of reasons. One of those reasons might be because we feel horny. But another reason might have nothing to do with feeling horny. It's simply, I know if I have sex, It'll be good when it gets going. I'll be close to my partner. I'll feel all those loving feelings. Well, When women say they've lost their desire, What they mean is, I never feel horny anymore. And they miss that. And I get that because it's a glorious feeling. However, What women aren't told that I want to tell you is as we age, And as our relationships age, That feeling of being horny naturally goes away. It just doesn't occur as much. There's nothing wrong with you. That's normal. However, What women also don't know is that that is only one type of desire. It's called spontaneous desire, The feeling horny. But there's another kind, It's called responsive desire. And that is when you want sex for a reason other than being horny, Like it'll feel good, Like I'll feel closer to my partner, And you have sex for that reason. And as you are engaging sexually, The desire, The horniness follows. So in other words, You're reversing the equation. You're having a sexual encounter to feel the desire, Rather than waiting to feel horny to have sex. Women often call that duty sex. And I say, No, It's not duty sex. It's an actual sex therapy technique. It's using your responsive desire, Using your ideas in your mind of what's good about sex to lead you to have sex. It's reversing the equation. It's having sex to get horny rather than waiting you're horny to have sex. And how do you use this with your partner? I honestly suggest a scheduled time. I call it a tryst because you know it's going to happen. You set time for it. You save your energy for it. And, You know, Planning doesn't decrease the joy or anything like that. In fact, It adds to it because it says this is important enough that we're setting time out for this. And you have a trust, But certain conditions need to be in place for that trust to have a successful outcome. You have to have it at a time you're open to it, Ready. You've set the time aside. You have to receive consensual, Lovely touch in the way you want it. Future videos will cover that. And you have to quiet your busy mind. You cannot have sexual pleasure. You cannot have an orgasm when your mind is thinking, How do I look? How does, Is he having fun? Ooh, I forgot to return that email. So you must quiet your mind and fully absorb in the sensations. And certainly, Meditation in daily life is a way to learn to do that, To turn off your mind, Turn off those thoughts. Oops, There they go. Let them float away. But instead, Absorb in bodily sensations, Internal sensations, The feeling of wetness in your genitals, Perhaps, External sensations, The feeling of your partner's touch. And another way to practice this, Meditation is turning mundane daily tasks into absorbed ones. My favorite is teeth brushing. You're supposed to do it two minutes, And most of us kind of walk around like this, Doing it, Thinking other things. But brushing your teeth involves a lot of sensations, The taste of the toothpaste. The urge to spit, The feeling of the bristles on your mouth. So in the next week, What I encourage you to do is every time you're brushing your teeth, Practice absorbing fully into body sensations. Talk to your partner about setting a time for a tryst. Save time and energy for that tryst and during that tryst allow the touch to lead you to feeling horny and absorb fully in your sensations. This is all about using both responsive desire and absorption, Which we learn through mindfulness.

Reviews

Very interesting. It is hopeful to know that there are ways to rekindle that spark without having to wait to naturally feel it. Thank you. I hope you to see more videos of you regarding this topic. You And also how to spark that desire whole going through perimenopause and menopause.

I'm so happy I found your video! I've been looking for something like this for a while on Insight Timer. Welcome! I guess I have been practicing the "responsive desire" instinctually, because I do miss the electric desire I used to have with my husband that I never experienced with anyone else. I find that adding a bit of fantasy in my mind helps to get me "there" along with the physical sensations. It keeps my husband and I intimate and very close which is good for both of us! 🥰 I look forward to more guided meditations from you.