Okay.
I fear I may sound like a crazy person,
But I've just had a massive breakthrough last night through something that has been plaguing me for years.
It's disrupted and broken up many of my relationships.
Has been a thing underneath it all that has kept me in this mind loop believing that I am evil and I will hurt the people that I love.
It's been a thing that I've used to keep my one foot in one foot out in romantic relationships and I'm sharing it because I finally broke through.
Found some reasons and I think I'm able to give myself.
Solace,
Some relief.
Some acknowledgement.
Some validation and.
.
.
Yeah,
I'm sharing it here in case it helps anyone,
Anyone at all.
Dealing with some kind of long-time pattern that they can't break through,
Something that continues to plague them in relationships,
Or a pattern of self-sabotage.
So.
.
.
The context around this breakthrough is that since I was a teenager.
And I.
.
.
Experienced cheating in a relationship for the first time,
I was the one who cheated.
Um.
.
.
Since then,
Cheating has in some form or another been a part of my relationships.
Around 24,
25.
I was introduced to the concept of polyamory and for me it just clicked because I realized I thought I was a fish.
Trying to climb a tree and that I was just trying to stuff myself into the wrong relationship format.
And that's why I always cheated.
And in every relationship,
It wasn't always me cheating.
I had been cheated on as well.
It feels just as terrible.
But what I realized was that Our natural inclination as beings is to want to express affection,
Flirtation,
Sexual energy with other people.
Learning how to do that ethically,
Being upfront about it,
Accepting that was the only way to move forward in my relationships and the only way that I wasn't going to continue to fuck up.
And so I went through a beautiful journey of learning about polyamory,
About.
.
.
Allowing freedom of love,
And although there's so much of that that I really,
Really hold on to.
There was also kind of this nagging perfectionism about how we communicate with our partners of who we're interested in and how we're interested in and what we're doing and how we're doing it with other people and when you tell them and All of those things that just continuously the bar kept getting raised higher and higher and higher for myself and for my partners.
And it just continued to always be a point of contention to the point where I have questioned whether or not I can do polyamory because it's always such a confronting process.
So fast forward to today when I'm in.
The most loving,
The most reciprocal,
The most.
.
.
Beautiful relationship that I've ever been in and we both work really hard at it and we both give equal amounts of attention and care and understanding.
Both come to each other when we're being our most awful selves with the most love that we can.
And so I am very aware.
That it is a relationship worth fighting for,
Worth looking at myself for.
Worth getting rid of all of the mechanisms that I use to protect myself and keep me separate.
Because it is a truly wonderful relationship.
However.
There are things that still come up for me.
There are certain patterns that happen.
Get jealous and make up stories in my mind around who he's texting.
Insofar as it will get to the point of even if I just see his phone sitting on the desk,
I will get this hint of feeling guilty that I've already.
.
.
Thought that he's doing something.
And the guilt is immediate because that brain process happens so quickly.
So it's almost like the sight of his phone now has triggered this guilt and shame and this story that he's doing something bad.
And.
.
.
You know,
When he does have flirtations with other people or he is dating someone else,
You know,
The how he tells me what he's telling me,
Et cetera.
It just always seems like there's something wrong.
No matter what,
It's not the highest level of ethical.
It's not the highest level of this.
And it's excruciating.
And I do that to myself,
Too.
It's excruciating to myself,
The level of.
Perfection I expect.
And.
.
.
It just no longer.
.
.
Serves me,
I don't understand it,
I don't get where it comes from.
So amongst that,
I am also having some other issues with feeling down about not having regular work.
About my parents supporting me,
About feeling lost,
Feeling like I don't have direction at the moment.
And there's all these evil thoughts coming up around.
Who I am,
What I'm doing.
And so the other night I sat down.
To Write down my old story,
Just get all of those evil thoughts out of the way,
Including.
.
.
This stuff around,
You know,
The cheating,
Etc.
So I wrote down my old story.
And then I felt like I wanted to do some vocalization,
So I laid down on the ground and put my.
.
.
Right hand over my throat and my left hand over my belly and just vocalized,
Did sounds of ha until,
Yeah,
Nothing else was coming out.
And then I talked through what I want my new story to be.
And I then tapped from my old story to my new story.
And then I went to write down my new story.
And while I was writing down my new story.
.
.
All of this stuff about cheating came up.
All of this stuff about why I can't receive the love from my partner that I want to receive,
Why I can't trust things,
Why,
Et cetera,
Started coming up even as I was trying to write my new story.
So I paused.
Realized I needed to go on a little side quest and I started doing some mixture of like reparenting and internal family systems work that I know how to do.
And through that,
Recognized this bit that I really want to share.
It's two things in tandem,
And what I realized was.
.
.
I have a long time story about my parents' marriage,
Which was terrible during my childhood for many reasons.
There was physical abuse,
There was emotional abuse.
You know.
My father did not help at home.
My mother carried a lot of the burden.
She carried the financial burden of the household.
And I looked at that relationship in many ways.
And thought it was terrible.
But the one good thing.
That I heard my mom say is that she has never once questioned whether or not my dad has cheated on her.
So funny enough,
You know,
I don't have any of those other things in my relationships.
Yeah,
Of course.
The stuff around the cheating.
And.
.
.
I think that what I did was make a story around cheating is the only thing that makes or breaks relationships.
You can do a whole bunch of other stuff that's terrible.
And the person won't leave you,
But if you cheat,
Then that's the thing that will actually break up a marriage.
And if you don't cheat,
Then the marriage will stay together.
And so somehow.
When I cheated for the first time,
Well,
I was cheated on for the first time and I left that relationship.
We were young,
Young and young.
I think I was 13.
But the first relationship that I got in that I really actually loved that person,
I cheated.
And that was the end of that relationship,
But it was terrible.
I really broke that person's heart.
And we had on again,
Off again for many years.
He would cheat,
I would cheat.
Um.
.
.
And to that day,
That person is one of the dearest persons in my heart.
I love him so much.
Um.
.
.
But I think the pain I caused.
Made this story that I'm evil and I will hurt you if you love me.
I will do something that will be irreparable to the relationship.
I will cheat on you.
And that's just the way people are.
They will do it no matter what.
We cheat.
And so in some ways I've been playing that story out.
Since I was 12 or 13.
And what polyamory did was put a scaffolding around that story to say it's gonna happen and so.
.
.
Here's how we do it better.
Accept.
Polyamory is not cheating.
And so it kept that nugget of cheating,
Of lying,
Of hurt.
While I tried to build this beautiful ecosystem and orbit of people who want to share love.
So when I get to place in a relationship,
Which inevitably happens because ups and downs happen where I'm not feeling good about myself or I'm not feeling good about my direction,
What I do is I use that.
Nugget around cheating to break up the relationship.
And it's happened in a myriad of ways across my relationships.
But it's like once I get a hint of it.
I feel that the relationship is doomed.
And whether I do it or my partners do it.
Then it's my way out.
And it's my way out because I don't know how to.
.
.
Move through things in my life to be patient and wait for them to soar out,
I have to cause a bunch of chaos.
And craziness.
So that I can just feel like I'm in flow.
That's a whole other thing entirely.
But just recognizing that this nugget has been there for so long,
This belief that I am evil and that I will hurt the people I love,
So therefore,
I need to warn you,
You should see it coming.
And I should see it coming from you that we are going to do this to one another.
It's just a fact of life.
And then our relationship will end.
Has been the recurring pattern and the bomb I've been using to blow up relationships.
For my whole life.
And now that I'm in one for which I am positive is worth staying in,
There's this.
Fight.
Between these different parts of me.
Parts that have been protecting me for a really long time.
And the parts that are conscious now,
Realizing that this is not my past,
This is not my parents' relationship.
That this is a truly good and kind and loving relationship.
And so what I found was a part that's been protecting me and honestly protecting other people.
She's been doing double time.
By being hyper-vigilant and on the lookout for cheating in myself and in my partners.
And so when I talked to her,
I said,
Thank you.
Thank you for doing that.
Thank you for protecting me.
Thank you for protecting other people.
I love you.
And you must be so tired.
So she asked to rest.
Usually I redirect these parts,
But she asked to rest.
So she's resting.
And I'm trying to figure out what my need is,
What I need to ask for,
How I can show up to my partner.
So that this person can have rest.
While being fair and kind.
But I am just recognizing almost the awe and spaciousness I feel for having,
Being able to.
Take out this thorn from a wound that continues to bleed.
So the wound can actually have time to heal.
And I'm so curious about what will happen when I stop moving from this place of I am evil and I will hurt you.
I have no idea what will happen.
But first,
Today I will be extremely slow.
Give myself comfort and self-care and take care of myself nurturingly.
Because when you go out and you dig up something like that.
And you let a part of you that's been.
.
.
Working for years and years and years every time you're in relationship.
And that part asks to rest.
You feel raw and vulnerable.
I feel so raw and vulnerable and exposed.
So today it's softness.
Coziness.
And I am so excited.
To meet who I am.
Without this activation.
