Are you working too hard at being special rather than being glad to be yourself?
Pressure and finding ourselves wanting,
Not because we're not special.
Not because we can't celebrate and love ourselves,
But because the message coming through is that we're not good enough.
We have to do more.
It's something we have to work at.
And this means that this feeling of not being good enough can really take greater root in us.
And it's already a thing that most of us humans will bump up against in our lives.
When we feel that we haven't been productive enough,
Or we turn up at a social event and we don't feel we're dressed well enough,
Or that we're not making conversation as well as the other people.
I mean,
I could give you endless examples of the not feeling good enough feeling.
And it's often so deep rooted in us that we haven't even had a chance to examine really where it comes from.
We believe instead that it's true.
That we are inherently damaged and we are inherently not good enough and that being good enough is something we have to work for to succeed,
Which isn't true.
We shouldn't be striving for specialness,
Especially when this idea of specialness comes from such unstable sources,
Often advertising,
For example.
If someone wants to sell you something to improve the way you look or the way you feel,
Then psychologically they have to convince you that it's something you don't already have,
That you need to pay money for.
It's all about the money.
It's not really that you don't have this thing.
You are probably perfectly well off without it.
So already there's this manipulation using undermining to get something that is needed by the other party system.
This can happen in government,
Culture,
Any institutions,
Even schools and colleges,
Even in families,
Partnerships,
And it can wear us down.
With social media,
Which I don't plug into very often at all for this reason,
I think for most people there's only one direction.
That they can go in and that is to wherever there is a vulnerability inside oneself for feeling one could be doing more or better in some way.
Or purchasing something to make that be the case,
To achieve this more or better,
To be special.
That is the place where you will be most vulnerable,
Possibly.
There's this underlying bargaining that can go on inside of us when we're striving for specialness.
It's like,
If I can discover what makes me exceptional,
Then maybe I'll finally feel good enough.
And that's when we start comparing,
My friends.
We start asking ourselves,
But am I talented enough?
Am I interesting enough?
Am I successful enough?
Am I attractive enough?
Am I creative enough?
Am I different enough?
Am I the same enough,
Right?
Am I doing enough with my life?
Have I found my thing yet?
And then we can fall into this trap of something that actually is apparently positive,
Which is,
You know,
A statement like celebrate what does make you special.
We could fall into the trap of that becoming a measuring system or leaving a measuring system we already have intact.
Because underneath this idea of what makes you special is this question we're still asking.
What is it about me that justifies my value?
That's that.
Feeling that.
You,
Self-esteem is based on performance.
And of course,
That's never ending.
You're never going to perform to get enough self-esteem.
You're never going to find this elusive specialness to create inside of you what you're really yearning for,
Which is,
I'm enough.
I can show up today as me and enjoy life.
I can have the things I love that are in my life right now.
I can be more present with them.
I can enjoy nature and my friends and my hobbies without thinking they're a distraction while I should be doing something more weighty,
More important or that looks good.
If I want to,
I don't even have to brush my hair today,
Right?
I can wear what I want to.
And do things my way.
This is the ideal way of feeling because you're not finding worth based on certain things you have to do,
Which will always be changing depending on what environment or company you're in.
You are already individual.
And being individual is something to cherish.
And cherishing is very different from evaluating.
I always encourage people to cherish their individuality,
To start leaning towards that when you're leaning towards comparison,
When you're feeling stressed and nervous,
Because you can lose yourself in all of that.
Remember that.
Everything about you makes you who you are.
Without you needing to do anything.
Different.
Can you cherish the fact that you're excitable or contemplative.
You cherish that you're sometimes funny.
Or a bit bonkers?
Or that you're quiet and intense?
Can you cherish your eccentricity?
Or that you're practical,
Or that you're dreamy.
Spontaneous or maybe you're meticulous.
And enjoy lots of routine.
And you know what?
We're usually a mixture.
And the more we let ourselves be,
We discover we have these different rhythms,
Different chapters of life,
Different.
.
.
Rhythms as we go through our day that are there to make life interesting.
And to walk alongside ourselves,
Hand in hand with life,
Is such a comfortable place to be.
We're obviously talking about self-acceptance here.
Whatever your particular mixture happens to be in any moment,
That's you showing up as life.
You don't have to establish that any of these qualities make you better or special.
They make you precious.
They are expressions of life within your particular being.
Very valuable,
But you don't have to turn them into achievements.
You know,
Even be yourself,
For some people,
I've noticed this,
Becomes another assignment.
It's all about finding your uniqueness,
Expressing it,
Making your mark standing out,
Which can become another version of I'm not enough,
Just as I am.
You don't have to stand out to be distinct.
You're already distinct.
No two daisies in the meadow are exactly alike.
Her DNA is different.
These two daisies aren't having to compete with each other.
To establish which one is the more authentic Daisy or the more special Daisy.
Think about that,
That just being a daisy.
Two people don't have to compete either.
There's no hierarchy when you establish that everybody is different.
Everybody is individual.
And it's so important to distinguish individuality from specialness seeking.
Specialness itself isn't bad.
Some sense of our own specialness is psychologically very healthy.
It is part of what gives us our own container and our own edges.
We feel ourselves as a separate person.
We don't see ourselves through other people's eyes so much as when they're making judgments or misunderstanding us or criticizing us.
We don't feel ourselves seeing ourselves through their eyes,
We remember actually.
The way they see them doesn't.
Change the way I feel about what's special about me,
Which I'm glad about.
I like these things,
Even if not everybody does or notices these things.
I don't need that external.
Appreciation from everybody,
But it's nice to have it from people.
The people who really see us,
Who tell us we're special,
And special to them,
I'm certainly not saying we shouldn't go to those sources.
We shouldn't appreciate them.
We absolutely should,
And let the compliments land,
And receive them,
And really think about those people to whom we are special,
Or who have noticed something that they see as special in us.
What I'm saying is a huge difficulty arises when we become dependent.
On feeling special and being special in other people's eyes.
You can delight in yourself.
Be proud of yourself.
Enjoy your gifts.
Love your quirks.
And know what you're good at,
And you can certainly let yourself shine.
So you're not relinquishing self-appreciation.
But the exhausting requirement that your difference must prove your worth,
It doesn't.
What if you didn't have to be exceptional to be precious?
What if you could be ordinary?
Being ordinary is not synonymous with not good enough.
And one's ordinary.
Isn't synonymous with not good enough,
Something changes.
You can just be an ordinary human being and an utterly unrepeatable expression of being human.
Because that's what you are.
You are absolutely unique and the DNA which came together to form you will never ever come together in the same way throughout all time in another being.
It is a unique expression of life living in you and you don't have to do anything to make that true.
It just is true,
Right?
You don't need to be special or find a way of proving it.
You don't need to distinguish yourself because you are already innately distinct.
And if you've spent years unconsciously trying to earn a sense of individuality,
How freeing does it feel to know?
You're just innately distinct.
Nothing to strive for,
Nothing to perform,
Nothing to prove even to yourself.
Also,
Everyone is special in the same way.
Specialness isn't a scarce commodity.
If everyone is special,
You don't need to compete for it.
Someone else's brilliance doesn't diminish yours.
Someone else's beauty doesn't make you less beautiful.
Someone else's contribution doesn't make yours unnecessary.
And someone else's extraordinary life doesn't make yours not worth having or too ordinary.
Because we can simultaneously be an individual and belong to the human community.
You're not unique because you've managed to become exceptional.
You're unique.
Because life has never made another you.
Feel your own hands.
Notice the shape of your fingers.
Unique hands.
Unique fingers.
Feel your heartbeat.
Feel the particular way you're breathing right now.
Remember something really almost ridiculously specific that you love.
Even if it's a guilty pleasure,
You know that little expression we have.
Or maybe it's a song.
Or particular colour combination.
Something that really lights up your heart.
Or a place you could find with your eyes closed.
Because you go there so often and it's such a you thing to do,
To go to this place.
Or something that makes you laugh when other people don't even see what's funny.
And then notice.
You didn't manufacture any of that in order to be interesting.
This is just the particular shape life took when it became you.
So you can stop trying quite so hard to be special or put down that exhausting project of having to become somebody else.
Or somebody in the future.
Because you already arrived as somebody.
That somebody is already who you are.
There's only one of you.
And you are precious.
Now,
As you leave this talk,
Perhaps you will take a little more delight in yourself today.
Perhaps you will feel yourself soften towards yourself.
And enjoy your own gifts and your own quirks.
Maybe you'll turn towards something that you do that you feel really good at because you enjoy that feeling.
Or maybe you'll try something new,
Because trying something new and not being good at something is wonderful,
A wonderful adventure.
Enjoy yourself.
Enjoy the self that you are.
The specialness comes in the fact that you are already individual and your life is your own.
There's nothing more special than that.
And that,
My friend,
Is already the gift you hold.
So come back to this anytime you need reminding.
I'm not even going to say keep working on this.
There's nothing to work on.
It's coming back to knowing and receiving.
Your body already knows this.
We get thrown off course by all these messages and the stories our minds tell.
So come back to it as a watering hole,
An oasis of that peaceful return.
And we can always,
When we come back,
Start again from exactly where we are.
Feeling so much better.
Alright my friends,
Look after yourself and be well and until next time,
Bye for now.
