Tup and Stern and the Skipping Rope Scandal at Tampin's Stern Mystery.
Written by S.
D.
Hudson.
Performed by Stephanie Poppins.
Chapter 1 The Maiden Hall at St.
Ethelburg's School for Girls had never quite decided what it wanted to be.
Built for chapel overflow and prize-givings,
It had long gothic windows that let in broken beams of sunshine through their lead lighting.
As for its parquet floor,
That had turned the colour of strong tea from the never-ending stampede of hockey boots and the trail of wobbly wheels belonging to the heavy television trolley.
Earlier that day,
Tup and Stern had been leading the rehearsals for the obligatory school play,
When Tragedy Struck.
She looked up at the scene.
The stage was dressed in black gauze in preparation for the three witches,
And a crooked banner reading Macbeth,
A tragedy in five acts,
Hung above the proscenium arch,
One corner sagging where the drawing pin had finally given up the ghost.
She had Miss Lark to thank for that.
On the stage itself there were cauldron props,
Three washing-up bowls spray-painted black,
They sat waiting on stage left.
And there was a broom cupboard tucked just off the wings behind a fire door that never quite shot properly.
This was over on stage right,
The kind of forgotten little room that held spare hymn books,
Tangled fairy lights from some long ago nativity,
And as of earlier that day,
The body of Mr Carter,
The new caretaker.
Tuppern shook her head.
We're not having much luck in the school maintenance department,
Are we?
She stood apart from the scrum of uniformed girls being herded back towards the courtyard,
Arms folded over her tweed blazer,
The pink ruffle trim at the collar looking cheerful in spite of the murder scene unfolding around it.
Her pants nay,
Were pushed up into her hair.
And she wasn't crying or gasping or doing any of the things a body might reasonably expect of a woman who'd just watched a stretcher wheel past.
She was watching and cataloguing.
Climbing up the stage steps and making her way across the wooden stage boards.
Tuppence checked the door to the broom cupboard.
Mrs Fenwick swore blind she'd locked it at four o'clock.
Just like always the day before.
Tuppence saw the fairy lights,
Usually a nest of tangled wire on the top shelf,
Were coiled far too neatly on the floor,
As if someone had moved them out of the way rather than knocked them down in a struggle.
And she also saw,
Tucked away.
A single daffodil snapped clean rather than peaked.
Lying just outside the cupboard threshold.
Nothing bloomed indoors at St Ethelberg's at this time of the year.
Except in the chapel arrangements and those were lilies.
It was Martin Bonus who came to find her.
That surprised her even more than the body had.
He crossed the hall in the unhurried weathered way of his,
His silver hair catching the grey light from the high windows,
His gown still on from the assembly he'd cut short.
Tuppence thought he had the look of a man who'd spent the last four days being pulled in more directions than any Yorkshire headteacher should ever have to manage.
And he hadn't slept properly in most of them.
Tuppence,
" he said,
The way he always did.
Hello stranger.
Tuppence allowed herself the smallie smile.
Martin's expression was unreadable.
But then he rubbed the bridge of his nose.
That had to mean something,
Surely.
Hmm,
He said in that way he had Governors' meetings,
Budget reviews,
A leak in the science block,
And now this.
He looked past Tuppence towards the wings,
His jaw tight.
I don't have to tell you what a body in my school does to enrollment.
Tuppence agreed.
They shared a small smile,
Not really appropriate considering.
.
.
But neither Tuppence nor Martin Bonas did appropriate.
It seemed as if he was getting used to the whole murder thing now,
She thought.
Looks like history's repeating itself then.
Said Bart as he turned up in his chef's hat and apron that had more icing on it than the cake he'd been preparing.
He was good in an emergency.
I did warn you,
Said Tuppence.
This is steeple bloodshed,
Remember?
But now weed's gonna be all over the shop again.
Bart moaned.
I had hoped she'd take a long walk off a short pier after a cock-up last time.
Bartholomew Bowman?
Smoked tuppence.
But Martin Bonas did not look impressed.
It's not appropriate to speak about other staff like that.
Then he marched off in the other direction.
Bart winced.
He's got his knickers in a twist again,
I see.
What you done this time,
T?
I think it's more about the murder than me,
" said Tubbens.
Like that,
Is it?
I thought you said he was backing off after the whole Shakespeare in the courtyard thing.
I think it's called avoidant personality.
I'm choosing to see it as charming.
Well,
Keep at it,
T!
I have to admit the man's got just the right amount of butter on his biscuit,
If you get my meaning.
You don't want to let that slip through your fingers.
I'll do my best,
Bart.
But I'm rejection adverse.
I usually wait until there's something popping out of my letterbox before I look in it.
Sounds downright perverse to me.
Get your head out of the gutter,
Bart.
Anyway,
Back to the task in hand.
Murder strikes again at St Ethelberg's.
Yeah.
And I'm not a newbie anymore,
So I'm not in the line of fire.
That's probably why people stay in this village,
Said Tuppence.
Now I'm living and working amongst a bunch of murderous Machiavellians.
Your vocabulary has improved since spending more time with me.
More time.
Since you moved back to the village,
T,
I've hardly even seen you.
Derek had to leave sometime.
He's left for sunnier climbs with Chavis Chantel.
And I love having my old house back.
Anyway,
I'm here on my trusty bike every morning,
Same time.
Yeah,
There's that,
I suppose.
Oh,
Bart.
Tuppence gave her best friend a hug.
Now I've got to get to Treyhard before Alice Weed does.
I don't think she'd be let anywhere near this after cocking up last time.
She's meant to be keeping an eye on everything apparently,
Said Tubbins.
Lord Heffingway rang me this morning to tell me the board finds her vital as an officer of the law on site.
And I suppose I can see his point.
Oh,
Friends in high places,
I see.
You'll you know me?
Tuppence pulled her pants neigh out of her hair and set it upon the bridge of her nose.
He won't hear a word against weed,
Apparently,
" she continued.
But I don't like it.
She's not just working for the police now,
She's working for the governors as well.
I've no idea which mouse is she serving when.
And now there's a body for her to make herself invaluable over,
Said Bart.
Exactly.
And I know how her mind works.
She'll have Tryhard's ear within the hour,
And whatever nonsense she plants there will set like concrete.
Because you know as well as I do,
The man doesn't have room for two ideas at once.
And one of those ideas is you!
Don't remind me.
Tuppence glanced towards the doors,
Where the distant thump of a car door suggested the Ford Sierra had just arrived.
I've got to go.
Please keep an eye on the crime scene,
Bart.
I've got to catch Triar before we does.
I need him on side without her interfering.
This is a case for Tuppence Stern,
The detective.
Not we,
The whiny deputy head,
Can police snitch.
Go on then,
Before she starts arresting Mr Dunforth for wearing the wrong trainers.
Tubbets laughed out loud,
Despite the girl three feet away sniffling into Miss Luck's cardigan.
Then she pulled out her little black book and checked herself.
She didn't want the kids any more upset than they needed to be,
Especially as thanks to Martin's latest half-term initiative,
Half of the kids were now boys.
And boys,
By Tubman's reckoning,
Were even more sensitive than girls.
She must get to try hard and share the events of the drama lesson she taught earlier.
That would keep him quiet for a little while,
She guessed.
Is this a dagger what I see before me?
George intoned with all the passion of a boy reading a shopping list.
Yes,
But with a bit more passion,
George,
" said Tuppence.
It's a blade,
Not a wet tissue from the floor of the boys' changing room.
The group dissolved into laughter.
The boys laughing a little bit more than the girls.
That's gross!
George protested.
Tuppence related to Inspector Tryhard about how earlier that morning she had been rehearsing Macbeth with her students in the Assembly Hall.
Be careful George,
You nearly had his eye out!
George,
One of St Ethelberg's new male recruits,
Was waving around one of the dagger props in a way more animated than that which the scene suggested.
But this dagger moves miss.
It's safe,
Look,
It can't hurt anyone.
You'll find a way,
George,
I'm sure you'll find a way.
Tuppence looked at the retracting plastic blade.
Now let's do it again,
But this time you've really got to mean it.
Meanwhile.
.
.
You're tormented,
You're confused,
You have violent ambition juxtaposed with guilt about what you're supposed to do next.
You're going mad and this dagger foreshadows exactly what's about to happen.
Foreshadows?
Yes,
Like my face is foreshadowing the trouble you'll be in if you don't get this right.
George took a breath and tried again,
With the same limp result.
The group,
Meanwhile,
Sided as one.
I'm starving,
George announced.
It must be time for snack now.
Okay,
Tuffernside,
You've got 15 minutes,
Then I want you back here,
Shipshape and Bristol fashion.
Group chorus.
Never mind,
Here comes the cavalry.
At that point,
Bartholomew Bowman swept in with the energy of a man who'd never once considered lowering his voice indoors.
Aye aye,
Campers.
How we all doing?
Make sure you go out backstage,
Tubman's called after the departing students.
There'll be no unringing that bell if you sneak back this way.
I'll send you back to normal essence before you can say,
We love you,
Miss Stern.
The assembly hall emptied in a wave of chatter and scraping chairs.
And how do rehearsals go?
Asked Bart.
They went.
I told you!
Well,
With any luck they'll get better.
Not if the kids have anything to do with it.
Never mind Bart,
How about a nice cup of tea?
There's a hot flask waiting with our name on it in the staff room.
Who said equal people can't be angels too?
By the time second rehearsal began,
Tuppence had recovered enough of her energy to marshal the last of Macbeth's cast into some semblance of order.
Okay,
So let's get started.
Two of you have been chosen by careful selection to do the props.
They need to be finished by the end of the day.
The assembly hall filled with movement and murmuring as the cast arranged themselves.
Now let's get on.
George centre stage.
Witches upstage left.
Banquo upstage right.
But where's Jada?
Probably smoking,
George offered.
That's enough George,
No one likes the grass.
Well Carter's already snitched on her,
He snitches on everyone.
Yeah,
I feel bad for Callum having a dad like that.
Yes,
Well,
George,
Let's just concentrate on what we're doing,
Shall we?
He's a right piece of cake,
George.
Tuppence cutting smoothly.
You were about to say cake.
Now,
Up on the stage,
Thank you.
You've got work to do.
Oh,
There you are,
Jada.
Where on earth have you been?
Jada hovered at the edge of the group,
Pale beneath her makeup.
Just in time,
Jada,
Said Bart,
Turning up.
I want you to go to the cupboard and get the paints and brushes.
I'm going to supervise the prop making.
The broom cupboard?
" said Jada.
Yes,
That's the one,
You're right.
Yes sir,
Why wouldn't I be?
You look a bit pale,
That's all.
Did you have anything to eat?
I was in the loo,
Sir.
Smoking George Putin.
Shut up,
George.
Never mind him,
Jada,
" said Tuppence.
Let's just get on with things,
Shall we?
Jada's name passed in murmurs along the cast as she moved towards the wings.
Then Bart turned back to the stage.
Right,
Off you go then.
Okay George,
Let's start from where we left off.
Is this a dagger I see before me,
Remember?
" said Tuppence,
Keen they should present as great a performance of Macbeth as was possible.
In only two days worth of rehearsals.
Martin Bonas had proven he loved Shakespeare and,
In spite of her better judgement,
She was still keen to impress him.
Alright miss,
Let me just get into character then.
There was a good deal of rustling and fumbling as George attempted with limited success to emulate the style of Leonardo DiCaprio.
I wanna be just like him,
Miss.
Okay George,
Whatever gets you through,
Off you go then.
Now look out to the seats and here we go.
Is this a dagger what I see before?
Goodness sake.
Is this a dagger I see?
Right,
Is this a dagger I see in front of me?
Before me,
George,
Before me.
Is this a dagger I see before me?
Hallelujah!
You've got it George,
You've got it!
Well done!
Footsteps thudded somewhere backstage but no one else seemed to notice.
Then suddenly they came pounding back onto the stage itself.
And in bursts Jada.
Props in hand.
No,
Miss.
He hasn't.
He hasn't.
George hasn't got it at all.
But I know someone who has.
Jada they're not your lines said Bart startled and you shouldn't even be on the stage at this moment For God's sake,
Jada!
George Snapp,
You messed up my moment!
But you don't understand.
No one understands.
Jada's voice had broken into a scream.
Cut!
" shouted Tuppence,
Already moving,
And the whole cast surged towards the steps as one.
Okay,
Now calm down,
Jada.
What is it we don't understand?
What is it?
What's the matter?
Jada's chest was heaving.
Miss Stern,
Miss Stern,
It's terrible.
In fact,
If I didn't hate him so much,
I'd say it was a tragedy,
Just like our play.
What's a tragedy?
" said Tubbins.
You really aren't making sense,
Jada.
Now slow down,
Take a minute,
And tell us what you mean.
As she watched,
Jada breathed in and out.
Then something in her face went very still.
So you see that dagger there,
Miss?
Yes.
That's not the only dagger.
There's another one.
What do you mean,
Jada?
This real one just like the one in the real play only this one She began to scream again.
This one what,
Jada?
This one that I saw in the broom cupboard,
It doesn't go in and out like that plastic one.
It's a real one and it's sticking right up the side of Mr Carter's neck!
